A guide for parents who say my child hits me: why teenagers become violent towards parents, how to stay safe in a crisis, and what support is available.
Many parents reading this article may have felt ashamed even while typing their search into the search box. Saying "my child hits me" is not easy, especially when this child is fifteen or sixteen, a young person who has grown taller than you. A mother hiding the bruise on her arm under long sleeves, a father explaining the broken door with "I slammed it myself": these are small examples of the silence these families live in. A teenager's violence towards their parents is, in many families, a secret that is lived for years without being told to anyone. In this article I explain how this violence begins and grows, how you can protect yourself and others in the home during a crisis, and what steps can be taken towards change.
Parents Who Say "My Child Hits Me" Are Not Alone
Violence towards parents is experienced by far more families than is assumed, yet it is one of the least talked-about forms of domestic violence. Parents often see it as their own failure: "What kind of parent am I if my child raises a hand to me?" This shame delays asking for help and lays the ground for the violence to grow inside the home.
A teenager's violence towards a parent is not only about hitting. Some or all of the following behaviours may occur together:
- Physical violence: Pushing, slapping, punching, kicking, pulling hair, throwing objects
- Damage to property: Breaking a door, punching the wall, smashing a phone or television, deliberately breaking something the parent values
- Verbal and emotional abuse: Insults, humiliation, constant shouting, hurtful words such as "You're not my mother", threats to self-harm or run away from home
- Financial abuse: Taking money by force, using the parent's card without permission, selling belongings
- Intimidation and control: Trying to decide where the parent sits at home, what they say and whom they see; the parent living on edge at every moment so that "there won't be an explosion"
Outbursts of anger, slammed doors and harsh words can occur during adolescence; but a parent becoming afraid of their own child is not an ordinary part of adolescence. The deciding question is this: in the home, who is afraid of whom?
How Does the Violence Begin and How Does It Grow?
Violence towards parents rarely appears out of nowhere. In most families there is a familiar cycle.
In the first stage, the young person asks for something: more pocket money, a new phone, staying out at night, having the internet switched back on. The parent says no. The young person insists, raises their voice, hurls insults. The parent either backs down or raises their voice too. Both paths feed the cycle: when the parent backs down, the young person learns that pressure works. Shouting at each other, meanwhile, escalates the tension, and in a moment that cannot be controlled comes the first push or the first slap.
After this first incident there is usually a short period of regret. The young person goes quiet, perhaps apologises; the parent, relieved, thinks, "It was a one-off." But if the underlying pattern has not changed, the violence comes more easily and more quickly in the next conflict. Over time, to avoid a crisis, the parent begins to give in to the young person's demands from the outset. The hierarchy in the home is reversed: the rules are set not by the parent but according to the young person's anger.
Picture a scene like this: a mother, left alone with her son after a divorce, wants to limit her sixteen-year-old's gaming sessions, which run until midnight. On the evening she switches off the modem, her son pounds on her door; the following evening, as he snatches the modem from her hands, he pushes her against the wall. On the third evening, the mother does not switch the modem off at all. This evening, which looks "calm" from the outside, is in fact an evening the violence has won.
Why Does a Teenager Become Violent Towards Their Parents?
There is no single cause; usually several factors come together. Understanding these factors is not about excusing the violence, but about seeing where change can begin.
Difficulty regulating emotions. Some young people have serious difficulty coping with intense emotions such as anger, disappointment and shame. When the emotion rises, they act before they think. Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder may accompany this picture.
Learned violence. In young people who have witnessed violence between their parents at home, or who have experienced violence themselves, violence may have been learnt as a way of solving problems. Sometimes the young person's anger is directed not at the parent who was violent years ago, but at the parent who stayed at home and whom they feel could not protect them.
Substance use and addiction. Alcohol or drug use weakens impulse control, and the need for money makes conflicts with the parent more frequent. Conflicts over digital gaming and online betting can likewise trigger violence. The article on substance use in teenagers offers further information on this.
Underlying psychological difficulties. Depression, anxiety, post-traumatic symptoms or bullying among peers show up as withdrawal in some young people and as anger in others. A young person who is pushed around at school may have found at home the only place where they can use power.
Unclear boundaries. In homes where rules are enforced one day and forgotten the next, and where the mother and father give different messages, a young person may try to learn where the boundary lies only by pushing against it.
If you are curious about the general picture of anger in young people, you can also take a look at the article on anger in teenagers; however, physical violence towards a parent is a situation that needs to be addressed more seriously than ordinary anger problems.
My Child Hits Me: What Should I Do in a Crisis?
At the moment of violence, the priority is not winning the argument but everyone staying safe.
In a crisis, the parent's task is not to be proved right but to give the situation a chance to calm down; the talking happens once everyone is safe.
- Leave the room. While the young person is in the middle of an outburst, do not try to persuade them, lecture them or announce a punishment there and then. Go to a room that can be locked, or leave the house.
- Do not hit back. Hitting back escalates the violence and confirms to the young person that violence is a legitimate route. Do as much as is needed to protect yourself, and no more.
- Remove risky items in advance. Put sharp tools such as knives and scissors, medicines and car keys somewhere hard to reach.
- Protect the other children. If there are younger siblings at home, have a plan for directing them to a safe room or to a neighbour during a crisis.
- Do not hesitate to call for help. If there is serious danger, if someone has been injured, or if the young person is threatening to harm themselves or someone else, call 112 (emergency services). Calling the police or a medical team is not a betrayal of your child; it is protecting everyone's life.
Once the crisis has passed, do not act as if nothing happened. When the young person has calmed down, the next day or within a few days, tell them in a calm but clear voice that violence is unacceptable. When you do so, use short, firm sentences rather than a long lecture.
Violence should have a consequence; but this consequence should not be a punishment handed out in anger, in the middle of the crisis, and too big to be carried through. A decision such as "No phone for a year" is a burden neither you nor the young person can carry, and it is usually reversed within a few days. Instead, choose consequences that are directly linked to what happened and genuinely workable, such as paying for a broken item out of pocket money, or the young person taking part in repairing it. Consistency matters far more than the size of the consequence.
Non-Violent Resistance: Re-establishing Parental Presence
One of the most widely used approaches in the field of violence towards parents is the parenting model known as "non-violent resistance". Its core idea is this: the parent neither gives in to the young person's violence nor responds in the same language. Instead, they show a determined, calm and persistent presence.
Some of the practices of this approach are:
Delayed response. Contrary to the saying "strike while the iron is hot", the parent does not react in the middle of the crisis. They say, "This is unacceptable; we'll talk about it later", and raise the subject when everyone is calm.
The announcement. The parents, together if possible, make a short statement to the young person at a calm moment or give them a letter: "We will no longer allow violence at home. We love you and we are not giving up on you. We will do everything we can about this." This announcement is not a threat or a punishment; it is a declaration of the parent's stance.
A support network. Violence grows the longer it stays hidden. Sharing the situation with a few relatives you trust, a family friend or an adult the young person respects both reduces your isolation and shows the young person that the violence is no longer a secret. Saying the sentence "My child hits me" out loud for the first time to someone you trust can be hard, but most parents describe feeling the weight on their shoulders lighten after taking this step. These people can talk to the young person and give them the message, "We've heard what has happened, we care about you and this has to stop."
Gestures of repair. While tackling the violence, parents continue to nurture the relationship: cooking the young person's favourite meal, leaving a short note, offering to watch a match together. These gestures are not a reward; they are a reminder of unconditional love.
This approach is much safer and more effective when applied with the guidance of a specialist.
Do not neglect yourself
Parents who have been exposed to violence for a long time may experience constant alertness, sleeplessness, palpitations, avoiding going home and a deep sense of helplessness. Some parents cannot stop thinking about the young person's next outburst even at work, on public transport or around a table with friends. These reactions are not weakness; they are the natural result of living under threat for a long time. Getting support for yourself is also a precondition for being able to stand calm and firm with the young person.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The short answer: if physical violence has happened even once, do not wait to seek support. It is especially important not to lose time in these situations:
- The violence is recurring, becoming more frequent or more severe
- Siblings or elderly family members in the home are at risk
- The young person has substance use problems, is involved in online betting or has serious debts
- The young person is harming themselves, says they do not want to live or is threatening suicide; in this case, call 112 (emergency services) urgently
- You yourself cannot sleep for fear, cannot go to work, or feel low or helpless
If you would like information about legal protection, you can apply to the Violence Prevention and Monitoring Centres (ŞÖNİM) or to ALO 183 (Turkey's social support hotline). Making such an application does not mean giving up on the young person; on the contrary, it is a boundary that reminds both them and you of how serious the situation is.
How Is Violence Towards Parents Addressed in Therapy?
One of the most effective ways of working with violence towards parents is a process carried out with the parents and the young person together. In many cases the first step starts with the parents, because the young person may not want to come to therapy at first, but the parent's changed stance begins to shift the balance at home.
In the work with parents, a safety plan is drawn up, the cycle of violence is examined in detail, and the principles of non-violent resistance are applied step by step. Parents dealing with their own feelings of guilt, fear and anger is also part of this process.
In cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) with the young person, the focus is on noticing the first bodily signs of anger, recognising triggering situations, alternative behaviours to use as anger rises, and problem-solving skills. If there is a difficulty underlying the violence, such as depression, trauma, attention deficit or substance use, this is addressed too; where necessary, an assessment by a psychiatrist is recommended. You can find detailed information about work with young people on the adolescent counselling page.
Frequently Asked Questions
If I report my child, will our relationship break down completely?
Many parents put off asking for help because of this fear. Yet the violence continuing harms the relationship more than any report would. Asking for outside help also gives the young person the message, "I won't leave you in this state"; over time, this message can lay the ground for repairing the relationship.
Does this violence show that I am a bad parent?
No. Violence towards parents occurs in very different families, for very different reasons. Reviewing your past mistakes can be useful for change, but responsibility for the violence lies with the person who uses it. Rather than blaming yourself, focusing on what you can do differently now is more helpful.
Why does my teenager attack me more when their father is not at home?
Young people often direct violence at the parent they see as weaker in the power relationship, or as more alone. This shows how important it is for the mother and father to take a joint, consistent stance. Parents who live apart giving a shared message, at least on the subject of violence, reduces the young person's sense that "there's a gap here".
Their younger sibling witnesses everything; what should I tell them?
Siblings often see and hear more than is assumed. Giving a short, honest explanation suited to their age, and saying, "Your brother's anger is not your fault; the grown-ups are dealing with it", reassures them. If you notice changes in the sibling's sleep, school life or behaviour, consider seeking separate support for them too.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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