Teenager Who Wants a Tattoo: Forbid It or Talk About It?

How do you talk to a teenager who wants a tattoo? What the wish means, health risks, a waiting agreement and what to do if it was done in secret.

One evening your sixteen-year-old daughter holds out her phone: on the screen is a small, fine-line tattoo on the inside of a wrist. "I want this too. I'm going to have Grandad's name done in his own handwriting." The first sentence that crosses your mind is probably "Never." A teenager who wants a tattoo triggers the reflex to forbid in many parents, because a tattoo is permanent, it carries health risks, and in many families it is still associated with certain prejudices. Yet this wish is sometimes not just a passing fashion craze but the young person's attempt to express their identity, their attachments and their passage into adulthood through their body. In this article we look at what may lie behind the wish for a tattoo or piercing, why forbidding it is usually not enough on its own, and how you can have this conversation without damaging the relationship.

Why Does a Teenager Want a Tattoo?

There is no single reason for wanting a tattoo. The same wish can carry completely different meanings for two different young people. So starting the conversation by asking "Why?" with curiosity teaches you more than assuming you already know the answer.

• Identity and self-expression: Adolescence is the period when young people try to define who they are. A tattoo can look like a way of writing that definition onto the body: "This is who I am, and this is my decision."
• Remembrance and attachment: A grandparent who has died, a pet, an important date... For some young people a tattoo is a wish to make grief or love permanent. Especially in young people who have experienced a loss, this wish can be a carrier for the feeling.
• Belonging: If there are young people in the friendship group with tattoos or piercings, the wish may be linked to the need to belong to the group. Sometimes the idea of "getting the same tattoo" as a friend comes up.
• Feeling grown-up: For many young people a tattoo is a symbol of adulthood. A young person who does not yet have the rights adults have may want to feel grown-up through this symbol.
• Aesthetic taste: Sometimes it is simply a matter of taste. The small, fine-line tattoos that are often seen on social media can look to young people like a harmless, ordinary accessory.
• Pushing back against parents: Especially at times when tension with the family is high, a tattoo can be a vehicle for the message "You can't tell me what to do."

What Worries Parents About a Teenager Who Wants a Tattoo?

Parents' worries are very often justified, and explaining them openly to the young person is a legitimate part of the conversation.

Permanence: A shape or sentence that seems very meaningful at sixteen may not carry the same meaning at twenty-six. Tattoo removal is generally a long, costly and laborious process, and it does not always give the expected result.

Health risks: Tattoos and piercings done in settings where hygiene rules are not followed carry a risk of infection and blood-borne diseases. Some people may have allergic reactions to the ink. Procedures done in unregistered settings or in the home of "someone a friend knows" are particularly worrying in this respect.

Rules and age: Most reputable studios will not work on minors without parental consent. But there may be places that do not apply this rule, and a young person turning to exactly these places is the scenario a family should fear most.

How others see it: The school's rules, the reaction of older relatives and how visible tattoos may be viewed in the young person's future workplaces are also on parents' minds. Sharing this worry through a realistic conversation rather than an exaggerated warning such as "Nobody will ever give you a job" is more effective.

The family's values: For some families a tattoo is a practice that does not sit well with their beliefs or cultural values. This is also a legitimate part of the conversation. But the way to pass on values is not to belittle people who have tattoos or to accuse the young person of "immorality"; it is to explain calmly why the family thinks this way. When young people see that you listen respectfully to their values even if you don't share them, they listen more easily to yours.

Why Is Forbidding It Usually Not Enough?

Saying a firm "No" closes the subject for a while in some families. But a ban does not remove the young person's wish; it only removes the conversation. And where the conversation closes, the following risks appear:

• The young person may get the tattoo secretly, in a place that does not ask for parental consent and cannot be trusted on hygiene.
• They, or a friend, may try tattooing at home with a needle and ink.
• The tattoo may stop being an expression of identity and turn into a symbol of a power struggle with the parent.
• The young person learns not to consult their family on the next important matter either.

There is a wide space between forbidding and letting go. That space is called thinking it through together. A parent who keeps the conversation going with a teenager who wants a tattoo, even if they cannot change the decision itself straight away, continues to have an influence on how, where and with what information the decision is made.

How Do You Talk to a Teenager Who Wants a Tattoo?

Put off your first reaction

The reaction you give when you first hear the idea sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. Saying "I need to think about this; shall we talk tomorrow evening?" both gives you time to calm down and lets the young person feel they are being taken seriously.

Ask what it means

Questions like "What does this tattoo say for you?" and "Why this design, why this place?" make the need behind the wish visible. For a young person who wants their grandfather's name tattooed, the real issue may be not the tattoo but their grief. In that case, talking about their grandfather, perhaps putting together a memory book, can also respond to this need.

Explain your worries honestly

After listening to what the young person has to say, share your own worries openly: permanence, health, age and school rules. Do this by giving information, without turning it into a scare talk. Young people listen to the reasoning of an adult who respects them far more readily than to that of an adult who gives orders.

Research it together

Gathering information together about hygiene rules, aftercare, the removal process and studios' age rules helps the young person make a more informed decision. Many young people, when faced with this information, choose to postpone the decision themselves.

Make a waiting agreement

One method that works is a "waiting agreement". The young person draws the design they want on paper or has it printed, and puts it up on their bedroom wall. For a set period, for example six months or until they turn eighteen, they see this design every day. If at the end of that period they still want the same design, the subject is discussed again. This agreement spreads the wish over time without rejecting it, and reveals the difference between an impulsive decision and a matured wish.

Let's say your seventeen-year-old son wants to get the same small symbol on his arm as his best friend. During the conversation you learn that the symbol comes from a game they have played together since middle school. You ask, "So when you go to different cities for university, how will this symbol make you feel?" Your son thinks for a moment and says, "I don't know, maybe it'll still be nice." You then suggest that he carry the design on the cover of his notebook for a year and that you talk again after that. This is not a ban, but a period agreed together to let the decision mature.

Mum and dad should give the same message

A teenager who wants a tattoo may, on noticing that one parent is more flexible, try to pursue the matter through that parent. The sentence "Dad didn't say anything; why are you against it?" moves the argument to between mother and father. That is why it is important for parents to talk first among themselves, without the young person present, and agree on a shared stance. Even if you don't agree, you can still offer the young person a consistent road map.

Suggest in-between solutions

Temporary tattoos, henna, or drawings done with special pens that do not harm the skin allow the young person to "try out" a design on their body for a few weeks. Some young people change their mind after seeing how a design looks on them; others realise their wish really is lasting.

Talk about piercings separately

An ear or nose piercing is a more reversible decision than a tattoo, but it carries a risk of infection and needs aftercare. So rather than treating the wish for a piercing with the same strictness as a tattoo, it may be more realistic to talk about having it done in a reputable place, following hygiene rules and with the family's knowledge.

It is possible to say "No" to a young person; but in homes where the conversation also ends after the "No", young people learn to make their decisions alone.

What Should You Do If They Got a Tattoo in Secret?

Sometimes the parent only notices the tattoo after it has been done. This moment is usually full of anger, disappointment and a sense of having been deceived. Even so, the first step is to check on their health: Where was the tattoo done, and under what conditions? Is there redness, swelling, discharge or a fever? If necessary, see a doctor.

The question of trust should be left until after you have calmed down. Saying "It really hurt me that you hid this from me. I want to understand why you couldn't tell me" makes room for understanding before punishment. If consequences are needed, they should be applied not in a moment of anger but in a proportionate way that has been discussed in advance. The principles in the article on punishing teenagers may offer guidance here.

Some situations need particular attention. A young person carving shapes, letters or lines into their own body with a needle or razor may sometimes be bound up less with a passion for tattoos and more with self-harming behaviour. If you notice unexplained cuts, burns or areas that are constantly covered up, take this seriously and see a specialist. In situations where you think the young person's life is in danger, call 112 (emergency services) without delay.

For a young person who has been persuaded under pressure from the friendship group, for example to get a "group tattoo", the real issue is not the tattoo but the ability to say no. The article on peer pressure may be helpful here.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Wanting a tattoo is not, in itself, a sign of a psychological problem. However, it may be helpful to seek support from a specialist in the following situations:

• If the tattoo issue has turned into a power struggle at home and communication within the family has almost completely broken down
• If the young person has experienced a loss and the wish for a tattoo comes together with intense sadness, withdrawal and shutting down in their grief
• If the young person's impulsive behaviour towards their body, such as attempts to tattoo or pierce themselves at home, keeps recurring
• If the wish for a tattoo or piercing is increasing together with other risky behaviours such as substance use, risky friendship settings or coming home late
• If there are signs of self-harm

How Are a Teenager's Decisions and Search for Identity Addressed in Therapy?

In the process of adolescent counselling, the wish for a tattoo is addressed not simply as a question of "should it be allowed or not", but as part of the young person's search for identity and their relationship with the family. In individual sessions with the young person, the meaning of the wish, the way they make decisions, impulsivity and peer relationships are discussed. With a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy approach, thoughts such as "If I don't get it now, I'll never have the chance again" or "My family will never respect my decisions" can be examined and more flexible thinking skills can be developed.

In sessions with parents, work is done on the source of their worries, on which matters boundaries will be firm and on which flexible, and on ways of negotiating with the young person. Where needed, in joint sessions the family and the young person create a road map both sides can accept. Where a wish for a tattoo emerges after a loss, the grieving process can also be addressed separately. Throughout the process, the aim is to strengthen the skills that will enable the young person, when making this or similar important decisions, to weigh both their own wish and the possible consequences together.

Frequently Asked Questions

My daughter got a tattoo in secret; how should I react?

First check on her health, and if there are signs of infection, see a doctor. Once your anger has settled, talk less about the tattoo itself and more about why she hid it. This conversation may determine whether she comes to you when she has her next important decision to make.

Is a temporary tattoo or henna a good in-between solution?

For many young people, yes. Temporary options give them the chance to see how a design looks on the body and to find out whether the idea changes over time. However, this should be offered not as a stalling tactic but as a step that helps the young person's decision to mature.

Should a nose or ear piercing be treated differently from a tattoo?

A piercing is usually a more reversible decision than a tattoo; the hole can close up. For this reason some families prefer to be more flexible about piercings. Even so, it matters that the procedure is done in a place that follows hygiene rules and that aftercare is kept up regularly.

• #tattoos and piercings
• #teenage decisions
• #parenting approach
• #identity in adolescence

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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