Telling a Child They Are Adopted: When and How to Explain It

When is the right time for telling a child they are adopted? Ways for adoptive families to share the truth honestly, reassuringly and in an age-appropriate way.

There is one question that occupies the minds of many adoptive families for years: "When are we going to tell them?" Some parents keep putting the conversation off, saying "Let them grow up a little more first." Others think it would be better if the child never knew at all, and try to keep the secret from everyone around them. But the truth usually comes out one way or another: a sentence that slips out of a relative's mouth, a document requested by the school or a file found years later. Telling a child they are adopted is one of the cornerstones of the relationship of trust the family will build with the child. In this article we look at when and how the truth can be explained to an adopted child, what can be said at different ages, how to approach the difficult questions a child may ask, and what families need to pay attention to during this process.

Why Does Telling a Child They Are Adopted Matter?

A child knowing their own story is an important part of developing a healthy sense of identity. Expert opinion on adoption and clinical experience show that children who learn the truth at an early age, and from their own family, find it easier to integrate this information into their identity.

Keeping the truth hidden, on the other hand, carries various risks:

• Shaken trust: When a child learns the truth from someone else or by chance, they have to face not only the fact that they were adopted but also the fact that their family hid it from them. The question "What else have they hidden?" can deeply shake trust within the family.
• Identity confusion: A truth learnt in adolescence or adulthood in particular can turn upside down the identity story a person has built up until then.
• Intuitive unease: Children often sense the subjects that are not talked about within the family. Feeling that something is missing but not knowing what it is can create a vague anxiety in a child.
• A sense of shame: Things that are hidden send a child the message that the subject is something to be ashamed of.

In Turkey, adoption is still surrounded by silence in many families. Worries such as "What will people say?" and "The child will be upset" feed this silence. Yet sharing this information in natural, loving and open language allows the child to see this truth not as a wound but as part of their life story.

For an adopted child, the most powerful sentence of trust is "We will always tell you the truth", just as much as "We love you very much".

When Is the Right Time for Telling a Child They Are Adopted?

Most professionals recommend that the information about adoption is woven into the child's life early and naturally. The aim is for the child to be able to answer the question "When did I first find out?" with "I've always known."

Rather than a single big "confession" conversation, it is healthier to think of a process that deepens as the child grows older. This process begins when the child is very young and continues into adolescence and even adulthood.

There are also times that are not suitable for learning the truth. When a child is dealing with another major change (the birth of a sibling, a house move, a change of school, the loss of a parent), it may be more appropriate to wait a little rather than share the information for the first time. However, this "waiting" should not turn into endless postponement.

Some families plan, "We'll tell them when they turn eighteen, when they're mature." Yet adolescence and young adulthood are periods when identity is already in turmoil; a truth learnt for the first time at that age is often far more shattering than one learnt at a young age. What is more, keeping a secret until that age is a heavy burden for the parents too. Living for years with the fear that the truth will come out at every visit from relatives, every doctor's appointment and every official procedure quietly strains communication within the family.

How to Explain Adoption at Different Ages

Infancy and early childhood (ages 0–3)

At this stage a child does not fully grasp the meaning of words; however, it is valuable for helping the parent get used to talking about the subject comfortably. Saying to a baby, as if singing a lullaby, "The day we adopted you was the happiest day in the world" makes it easier for the parent to use these words naturally.

The preschool years (ages 3–6)

Children of this age love stories. A simple story about how the family came to be is a suitable way to give a first explanation: "Some children grow in their mummy's tummy and live with that family. You grew in another woman's tummy. She couldn't bring you up, and we wanted you so much, so we became your family." Children of this age may not understand all of the information; but it is important that the word "adoption" is used in a loving context. Picture books and family photo albums are good tools in this process. Marking the day the child came home each year with a small family celebration also links this story with joy.

School age (ages 7–11)

School-age children begin to reason and ask more questions: "Why did she leave me?", "Where is that woman now?", "Do I have other brothers and sisters?" At this stage the child begins to grasp that being adopted means a family wanted them, but that it also means they were separated from another family. Feelings of loss may therefore emerge. It is important to accept the child's sadness without dismissing it.

Adolescence (age 12 and over)

Adolescence is a period when the search for identity intensifies. Adopted teenagers may ask the questions "Who am I? Where do I come from? Who do I look like?" more deeply. They may want more information about their birth family, and may even want to find them. At this stage it is very important for parents to stand by the teenager without becoming defensive and without perceiving their curiosity as disloyalty.

How Should You Tell Your Child? Core Principles

• Be honest. Do not add untrue details to make the story nicer. For example, saying the birth parents died, if this is not the truth, can lead to a serious problem of trust later on.
• Give age-appropriate information. Not every detail needs to be shared in the first conversation. Some difficult information (for example a history of neglect or abuse) can be shared in suitable language when the child is older. But the information given must always be true.
• Speak respectfully about the birth family. Expressions such as "They didn't want you" or "They were bad people" can make a child feel ashamed of their own origins. More neutral and respectful language, such as "She wasn't in a position to bring you up", can be preferred.
• Emphasise love and permanence. The message "You are our child and you always will be" meets a child's most basic need for security.
• Be ready to answer questions. A child may ask the same questions many times. Answering patiently each time shows that the subject can be talked about.
• Keep the subject open. Rather than closing the subject after the first conversation, raise it again from time to time when natural opportunities arise: "Today I remembered the day we adopted you."

Imagine a seven-year-old girl who, while making a family tree set as homework at school, asks her mother, "Who is my real mum?" The mother takes a deep breath and replies: "There is a woman who gave birth to you, and her name is known. And I'm the mum who is bringing you up. We're both part of your story. Shall we think together about how to draw the family tree?" This approach does not brush the child's question aside; it invites her to hold two truths together.

Difficult Questions a Child May Ask

Over time, adopted children may ask questions that can challenge their parents:

• "Why did she leave me?" This question carries a worry that can lead the child to feel worthless. An answer such as "It wasn't because of you. Sometimes adults aren't in a position to look after a child. It doesn't mean you aren't worth loving" prevents the child from feeling guilty.
• "Who is my real mum?" The word "real" can hurt parents. But a child usually uses this word in the biological sense. Saying "You have the mum who gave birth to you and the mum who is bringing you up. We are both real" helps the child hold the two realities together.
• "Can I see her?" The answer to this question varies according to the legal situation, the child's age and the circumstances. However, it is important to accept the child's curiosity and to adopt an attitude that leaves the door open, such as "We can think about this together when you're older."
• "Will you leave me too?" This question reflects the fear of abandonment that adopted children often carry. The message of permanence and unconditional love needs to be given clearly.

The article on attachment styles may give some insight into the effects of early separations on attachment in adopted children.

Family, Community and School

How information about adoption is shared with those around you is also an important matter. This information belongs first and foremost to the child; so if everyone around them knows before the child does, it can leave them vulnerable.

• Inform relatives. Make clear who in the extended family knows and how they should talk about it. Rather than "Don't tell them", saying "We've told them, so if they ask you about it, be natural" is healthier.
• Get in touch with the school. Informing the teacher can prevent the child from being put in a difficult position by homework such as a family tree or bringing in a baby photo. But whether this information is shared in class should be the child's decision.
• Give your child the right to tell their own story. With older children, talk about whether or not to share this information with their friends. Some friends may ask curious or hurtful questions; rehearsing together what your child could say in these situations gives them strength.

A child at peace with themselves and their origins moves with more confidence in social settings. You can find useful suggestions on this in the article on self-confidence in children.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

After information about adoption has been shared, children may react in different ways. Sadness, curiosity, anger and confusion are natural reactions. However, it may be helpful to consult a professional in the following situations:

• If the child learnt the truth in an unexpected or shattering way
• If long-lasting withdrawal, intense sadness or outbursts of anger are seen
• If fear of abandonment has clearly increased and the child has extreme difficulty separating from a parent
• If the search for identity in adolescence has turned into an intense crisis
• If the parents feel intense anxiety about how to have this conversation and keep putting it off
• If the child's history includes challenging experiences such as neglect, abuse or many changes of caregiver

These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; however, they suggest that the child and the family may need support during this process. If intense hopelessness or thoughts of self-harm are seen in a teenager, take them seriously; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).

How Is the Adoption Journey Addressed in Therapy?

When working with adopted children, the core aim is to support the child in making sense of their story and strengthening their sense of identity. With young children, child and play therapy is an important tool. Themes such as families, babies, separations and reunions may emerge in the playroom. By rebuilding their own story in play, the child works through their feelings.

With older children and teenagers, life story work, the expression of feelings and a cognitive behavioural approach can be used. The child can learn to notice thoughts such as "I was left, so I must be worthless" and to develop a more balanced perspective.

Work with parents is also an important part of the process. Parents who feel anxious about telling a child they are adopted can plan how to have this conversation, address their own feelings (such as grief over not being able to have children, or the fear of losing their child) and prepare for their child's questions.

Frequently Asked Questions

What happens if I never tell my child?

The likelihood of the truth coming out one way or another is very high. When a child learns it from someone else or by chance, they have to cope both with the information itself and with the fact that it was hidden. This can seriously shake trust within the family.

What should I say if there is negative information about the birth family?

Give information without lying, but at a level suited to your child's age. Difficult details can be shared when the child reaches an age at which they can carry this information. Using non-judgemental language when speaking about the birth parents prevents the child from feeling ashamed of their own origins.

How should I explain it if one sibling is adopted and the other is not?

Tell both children how the family came to be in natural language. Emphasise that the children joined the family in different ways, but that the love and belonging are the same. Take care that the subject does not become a tool for superiority or teasing between the siblings.

What should I do if my child wants to look for their birth family?

This wish usually stems from a need to understand their own origins and does not mean their love for you has lessened. Getting information about the legal processes and standing by your child on this journey can strengthen your relationship.

• #adoption
• #family secrets
• #talking to children
• #identity

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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