Who is a toxic friend, and how do you recognise a draining friendship? Read about the signs, why you stay in the friendship and ways to protect yourself.
Before you meet up with her, you always feel a slight tension; afterwards, you come home tired, a little diminished, with a hurt you cannot quite put your finger on. Still, you have been friends for years; a bond that goes back to secondary-school desks, your first workplace or a university hall of residence. You persuade yourself: "That's what friendship is like; everyone has their quirks." The idea of a toxic friend is used to describe a friendship that constantly wears you down, makes you feel worthless or leaves you feeling used. It is not a diagnosis or a label to stick on someone; it is an invitation to become aware of how the relationship makes you feel. In this article we look at the signs of a draining friendship, why we stay in such relationships, and ways to protect yourself.
What Does "Toxic Friend" Mean?
No friendship is perfect. In every friendship there are times of hurt, misunderstanding, and periods when one person gives more. What distinguishes a toxic friendship from an ordinary disagreement is that the negative pattern is persistent, and that overall the relationship drains you more than it nourishes you.
A healthy friendship usually involves reciprocity, trust and respect. Both people want the best for each other, can share joys and difficulties, and can talk through disagreements when needed. In a toxic friendship, this balance breaks down: one person constantly takes while the other gives; one criticises while the other defends themselves; one controls while the other adapts.
An important distinction needs to be made here: the word "toxic" is used very often in popular culture and is sometimes applied to any disagreement or behaviour we don't like. Yet a person going through a difficult time, thinking differently from you or sometimes making mistakes does not make them toxic. The problem is when the relationship turns into a pattern that systematically harms you.
What Are the Signs of a Toxic Friend?
If you have noticed several of the following signs in a friendship for a long time, it may be worth reflecting on that relationship:
Constant criticism and belittling
Your clothes, your job, your partner, your decisions: your friend finds fault with everything. Sometimes this criticism comes disguised as a joke: "I'm only joking; don't take offence." But in the end you always feel a little more inadequate.
Being unable to celebrate your successes
When you get a promotion, move into a new home or pass an exam, your friend either quickly changes the subject or plays down your achievement: "You must have had connections", "I could have done that if I'd wanted to." You begin to hide your joy rather than share it.
A one-sided relationship
Your friend only calls when they need something. You stay on the phone for hours about their problems, but when you start to tell them something, the conversation comes back round to them. And when you ask for help, they are nowhere to be found.
Jealousy and control
When you spend time with other friends, they sulk, reproach you or make you feel guilty. With remarks such as "You've forgotten me" or "You've got new friends now", they try to restrict your social life.
Sharing your secrets and talking behind your back
Things you told them in confidence reach other people's ears. You hear from mutual friends that they have been speaking negatively about you.
Emotional manipulation
When they don't get their way, they create guilt: "After everything I've done for you", "So I'm that unimportant to you." Even when they were in the wrong, you are the one who ends up apologising. We look at a similar kind of behaviour, which makes you doubt your own perception, in our article on gaslighting.
Disrespecting your boundaries
When you say "no", they insist, take offence or accuse you of being selfish. They do not respect your time, your privacy or your decisions.
The Effects of a Toxic Friendship on You
A draining friendship can affect a person's mental health without them noticing:
- Erosion of self-esteem: Someone who is constantly criticised or belittled may gradually internalise that voice.
- Anxiety and tension: A knot in the stomach before meeting up, unease when opening their messages.
- Self-censorship: Calculating in advance what you will say and what you will share.
- Exhaustion: The emotional fatigue of always being the one who gives.
- Effects on other relationships: The insecurity learned in a toxic friendship can be carried into other relationships.
Let us say you have been friends since university, and every time she broke up with someone or had a crisis at work, she called you in the middle of the night. You were always there. Last month your father had an operation, and you messaged her from the hospital. Her reply came two days later: "Oh, I've been so busy, hope he gets well soon." That same evening, you saw photos on social media of her enjoying herself at a party. What you felt in that moment was the imbalance you had been trying not to notice for years suddenly becoming visible.
When assessing a friendship, the question to ask is not "Is she a bad person?" but "Who do I become in this relationship?"
A Toxic Friend, or a Friend Going Through a Hard Time?
A change in a friend's behaviour does not always point to a toxic pattern. Difficulties such as depression, grief, divorce, unemployment, debt or a serious illness can cause people to seem temporarily more withdrawn, more touchy or less attentive. During such a period, a friend being unable to give you as much time as before, or talking constantly about their own problems, may not mean they don't care about you.
The following questions can help you tell the two apart:
- How long has the behaviour been going on? Is it a difficult period of a few months, or a pattern lasting years?
- What was the relationship like before? Was there a reciprocal, supportive friendship in the past?
- How do they react when you talk to them? When they hear how their behaviour affects you, do they try to understand, or do they blame you?
- Are they respectful towards you despite their hard time? Being tired or sad is different from being belittling or manipulative.
Supporting a friend going through a difficult period is one of the valuable sides of friendship. But this support does not have to be limitless either. Standing by them while taking your own strength and boundaries into account is more sustainable for both of you. Gently suggesting, when needed, that they get support from a professional is also a friendly thing to do.
Why Do We Stay in Toxic Friendships?
Even when you realise that a friendship is harming you, it may not be easy to step away from it. There are several reasons for this:
- Shared history: Years of shared memories, the feeling "But she's my oldest friend."
- A shared circle: Being in the same group of friends, and the worry that distancing yourself will affect other relationships too.
- Guilt: "She's going through a hard time; I can't leave her now."
- Fear of being alone: The difficulty of making new friends, especially in adulthood.
- Familiar patterns: Someone who grew up with critical or emotionally unavailable parents may accept similar dynamics as "normal" in their friendships.
- Hope: "She wasn't always like this; maybe it'll get better again."
In Turkey, friendships are often intertwined with family ties as well. In friendships where your mothers are also friends, where you grew up together in the same neighbourhood and go to weddings and funerals together, drifting apart can also affect the relationship between two families. The worry "What will her mother say, what will my family say?" can lead a person to stay longer in a relationship that wears them down.
All of these reasons are understandable. But none of them justifies you being constantly worn down.
How Do You Deal with a Toxic Friend?
First, observe
For a while, note down how you feel after each meeting or conversation with this friend. Seeing the pattern in writing stops your mind from minimising the situation by saying, "Maybe I'm exaggerating." In your notes, record not only the negative moments but also the meetings that went well. That way you see the whole picture of the relationship and avoid deciding on the strength of one bad day. Asking another friend you trust, or your partner, how they see this relationship from the outside can also offer a different perspective.
Try talking openly
Not every difficult friendship has to end. Sometimes your friend is not aware of how their behaviour affects you. At a calm moment, try talking without blame: "Lately your jokes have been hurting me. I value our friendship and I want to talk about this." Your friend's reaction will tell you a great deal about the future of the relationship.
Set boundaries
Clarify which behaviours you do not accept, and apply this consistently. Not always answering late-night phone calls, saying no to a request to borrow money, and closing the subject when sarcastic comments begin are all boundaries.
Adjust the distance
Rather than ending the friendship entirely, changing the level of closeness is also an option. Seeing each other less often, meeting only in group settings and sharing fewer personal matters can make the relationship manageable for you.
Look at your own relationship patterns
If you keep experiencing similar friendships, it is important to think about why. Do you keep taking on the role of "rescuer" or "listener"? Do you find it hard to say no? Similar patterns can also appear in romantic relationships; we look at this in our article on toxic relationships.
End the friendship if necessary
If, despite every effort, the relationship continues to harm you, ending the friendship may be a healthy decision. Although this decision is painful, it is a legitimate way of protecting yourself. Ending it is not declaring the other person a bad human being; it is accepting that this relationship is no longer good for you. We look in detail at how this process can unfold in our article on ending a friendship.
Invest in nourishing relationships
Spend more time with people who truly listen to you, celebrate your successes and stand by you on your hard days. Healthy relationships do not just fill the gap left by a toxic friendship; they also remind you what you deserve in relationships. Making new friends in adulthood takes time; it is possible to grow closer, in small steps, to people you meet on a course, at work, at your child's school or in your neighbourhood. To tell whether a relationship is good for you, you can also use a simple yardstick: after spending time with them, do you feel lighter or heavier?
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It may be helpful to talk to a professional in the following situations:
- If a friendship has noticeably shaken your self-confidence and you constantly feel inadequate,
- If you generally find it hard to say no and set boundaries,
- If you keep experiencing similar draining relationships, in friendships and in other relationships,
- If you feel intense grief, guilt or loneliness after a friendship has ended,
- If you are finding it increasingly hard to trust people.
These signs do not amount to a diagnosis; however, they show that sharing this burden with a professional may help.
How Are Draining Friendships Addressed in Therapy?
In individual therapy, the person's experiences in friendships, the roles they take on in these relationships and the difficulties they have in setting boundaries are explored together. The aim is not to judge the other person, but to help the person see their own needs and make more conscious choices in their relationships.
Within a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) framework, thoughts such as "If I say no, she'll abandon me" or "If I hurt my friend, I'll be a bad person" are addressed. The person notices how these thoughts steer their behaviour, and more realistic alternatives are developed. Boundary-setting and self-expression skills can be practised through role-play.
From a schema therapy perspective, the way themes such as "subjugation", "self-sacrifice" or "defectiveness" influence a person's choice of friends and their tendency to stay in a relationship is explored. Recognising relationship patterns learned in childhood opens the way to building more nourishing relationships in adulthood.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a toxic friend change?
Some people can change when the effect of their behaviour is clearly expressed and they themselves are willing. But change does not happen through your effort alone. If the same pattern continues even after you have talked openly, you may need to reassess what the relationship means to you.
Could I be a toxic friend too?
Being able to ask this question is an important sign of self-awareness. Everyone can be hurtful at times. Honestly reviewing how your friends feel after spending time with you, the balance in your relationships and how you respond to criticism helps you see your own part.
My toxic friend is in our shared group of friends. What should I do?
Staying polite and reserved in group settings, reducing one-to-one closeness and not forcing your other friends to take sides is often the healthiest path. Nurturing your other relationships in the group individually stops you from feeling excluded.
Does jealousy always point to toxicity?
No. Jealousy is a human emotion and can be felt from time to time between close friends too. The problem begins when this feeling turns into behaviours such as belittling, control or sabotage.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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