What is trauma bonding and why does it form? Read about the cycle that keeps you tied to someone who hurts you, its signs and the steps that can loosen it.
"Why do I still miss someone who did all this to me?" Many people who ask themselves this question describe their mind standing in one place and their heart in another. Friends say "Let them go", the family says "Never go back"; and the person knows this is right. Yet with a message, an apology or the memory of a good day, the door opens again. Trauma bonding describes the strong, complex and often illogical emotional attachment that a person who has been harmed develops towards the person who harms them. In this article I will look at why this bond is so strong, the signs by which it can be recognised, and what can be done to loosen it.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
A trauma bond is not a diagnosis but a concept that describes a pattern observed in relationships. The bond between you and another person grows stronger not in spite of the pain they cause you but partly through the repeated cycle of that pain and the closeness that follows it.
This pattern is most often discussed in romantic relationships, but it is not seen only there. People who, even as adults, behave protectively towards a parent who was violent in their childhood, employees who seek approval from a boss who belittles them, and young people who cannot break away from a controlling group of friends may be caught in a similar bond.
The core elements that turn a relationship into this kind of bond are:
- Power imbalance: One party has marked economic, emotional or physical control over the other.
- Intermittent good and bad periods: Harsh, humiliating or frightening behaviour is interspersed with periods full of love, attention and remorse.
- The threat and the only refuge being the same person: The person who frightens you is also the one who comforts you.
Why Does Trauma Bonding Form?
To someone looking from the outside, "leaving someone who treats you badly" seems simple. Yet there are powerful psychological processes behind this bond.
The effect of intermittent reward
A well-known finding in behavioural psychology is that rewards whose timing is unpredictable create the strongest attachment. Compared with a partner who is always affectionate, a partner who is sometimes affectionate and sometimes cold and angry pushes you to keep waiting for the "good day" and to try to win it back. The reconciliation that follows a fight creates a far more intense sense of relief and closeness than an ordinary day.
The need to attach in the face of danger
When human beings are frightened, they seek closeness. When the source of the fear and the source of comfort are the same person, the more frightened you are, the more you turn towards that person. This is not weakness; it is one of our most basic survival tendencies running into a dead end.
Self-blame and hope
Thoughts such as "If I hadn't made him angry, this wouldn't have happened" or "She's actually a very good person, she just had a hard past" serve to explain the harmful behaviour and make it seem controllable. Seeing the problem in yourself is painful, but it also carries a hope: "If I change, they will change too." This hope is one of the most powerful fuels that keeps the bond alive.
Familiarity from the past
For someone who grew up in a home where love and fear were intertwined, this mixture can feel as familiar as "love" in adulthood. This is where early maladaptive schemas come into play; themes of abandonment, defectiveness or subjugation can draw a person into similar relationships without their realising it.
Signs of Trauma Bonding: How Can You Recognise It?
If you recognise some of the following signs in yourself, it may be time to look more closely at the dynamics of your relationship:
- You defend the person who harms you to others and make excuses for their behaviour.
- You hide what happens from your friends and family, or tell it in a softened form.
- You cling to the good days that follow the bad periods and think that "this is what the relationship is really like".
- You have thought about leaving many times and gone back every time.
- When you are away from them you feel intense emptiness, anxiety and longing; this feeling is sometimes felt in your body like withdrawal.
- You adjust your own needs, your words and your clothes according to how they will react.
- Their approval has become the only measure by which you feel valuable.
Let's say your spouse shouts at you when angry, throws things, and then does not speak to you for days. Then one evening they come home with flowers, their eyes fill with tears and they say "I can't live without you". The closeness that evening is so intense that the fear of the previous days seems to vanish in an instant. And until the next outburst, you live on the memory of that evening. The cycle itself increases the strength of the bond.
The same pattern can appear in working life too. Let's say your manager belittles you in front of everyone in meetings, but once a month calls you into their office and says "I trust you more than anyone on this team". For the warmth of that single sentence you put up with weeks of humiliation, and even looking at another job advertisement feels like betrayal. Whether at home or at work, the mechanism is the same: unpredictable warmth makes the cost of the coldness seem worth paying.
In everyday language, labels such as "narcissist" or "psychopath" are often used for people who cause harm. Whether a person has a personality disorder can only be understood through a comprehensive professional assessment. What matters more for you is not the other person's diagnosis but the effect their behaviour has on you.
Factors That Strengthen Trauma Bonding in Turkey
Trauma bonding is a universal pattern; however, the expectations of the society we live in can make leaving such a bond even harder.
The advice to "be patient, it will get better": Many women who tell their families what they are going through hear responses such as "That's what marriage is like", "It happens in every home" or "Be patient for the children's sake". These words lead a person to doubt their own perception and to normalise the situation.
Economic dependency: For someone without their own income, or who believes that renting a home alone is almost impossible because of the cost of living, leaving is not only an emotional issue but a concrete practical problem. Sometimes the person causing harm deliberately maintains this dependency: they keep hold of the salary card or forbid the other from working.
The worry of "what will people say": The stigma of being divorced or having a broken engagement can, particularly in small communities, become the reason a person stays where they are.
Bonds formed within the family: Adult children may feel a deep loyalty, saying "But he's my father", even towards a mother or father who humiliated them for years. In our culture, setting boundaries with parents is easily perceived as disrespect.
Staying for the children: The thought "The child shouldn't grow up without a father" is the reason many mothers and fathers stay in the relationship. Yet children perceive tension, fear and silence at home much better than adults think. They also learn what a healthy relationship looks like largely from the relationship they observe.
Knowing these factors matters, because every moment you blame yourself for not being able to leave is a reminder that these structures also weigh on you.
What Can You Do to Break Free From Trauma Bonding?
Leaving this bond usually happens not through a single decision but through a series of small and brave steps. Going back may be part of this process; it does not mean you have failed.
Think about your safety first
If there is physical violence, threats or stalking in your relationship, the priority is your safety and that of any children. In a moment of immediate danger, call 112 (emergency services). For counselling and referral regarding violence and threats, you can contact the ALO 183 Social Support Line (Turkey's social support hotline). For more detailed information on this subject, you can read the article on women who experience violence.
Put the reality in writing
One of the most powerful tools keeping this bond in place is that bad memories fade when good days arrive. Writing down the events you experience, the words that were said and how you felt at the time in a notebook, with dates, anchors you to concrete facts against the thought "Maybe I'm exaggerating".
Rebuild your connections
Harmful relationships often isolate a person from those around them. Calling a friend you haven't seen for a long time, signing up for a course, creating a small space of your own reminds you that you have a world outside them.
Be prepared for waves of longing
The intense longing that comes after leaving is not proof that the relationship was good; it is a reflection of the biological and emotional imprint of the bond. When these waves come, instead of acting immediately, give yourself a few hours to read the notebook you have written or to call someone you trust.
Plan for the first weeks after separation
The days immediately after a break are often the most fragile period. Planning in advance the evenings you will spend alone, adding two or three people you can call to the first screen of your phone, and not neglecting basic needs such as sleep and food make things easier. Telling yourself "Today I will just get through today" breaks a big and frightening decision into more manageable pieces.
Limit contact
If possible, limit messaging, following them on social media and "let's just talk" meetings. If you cannot cut off contact completely for reasons such as a shared child, keeping conversations short, in writing and focused on the subject can help.
Approach yourself with compassion
The question "How did I put up with this for so long?" often comes up during the process of breaking away and frequently turns into harsh self-criticism. Remembering that you did what you could with the knowledge, resources and strength you had at the time helps you focus not on the past but on the step in front of you.
How strong a bond is says nothing about how good that bond is for you.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Most people caught in a trauma bond seek professional support only after several attempts at leaving. Yet support can also be sought before making a decision. It may be particularly helpful to see a professional in the following situations:
- If you have gone back many times even though you want to leave,
- If you feel worthless, guilty or helpless,
- If sleeplessness, intense anxiety or low mood are affecting your daily life,
- If, after leaving, you notice that you have entered a new relationship with similar features,
- If thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life are crossing your mind.
If the last point applies to you, please do not carry this alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services) or go to the nearest emergency department. The article on toxic relationships can also guide you in recognising harmful relationship dynamics more generally.
How Is Trauma Bonding Addressed in Therapy?
The first aim in therapy is to create a safe space where you are listened to without judgement. People caught in this kind of bond carry shame because they often hear "Still?" from those around them. This shame needs to ease for change to begin.
In work carried out with cognitive behavioural therapy and schema therapy knowledge, the following areas are generally addressed:
- Making the cycle visible: Mapping together how the periods of tension, explosion, remorse and honeymoon work in your relationship.
- Working with self-blaming thoughts: Examining beliefs such as "I deserved it" or "It's my fault" together with the evidence.
- Understanding early maladaptive schemas: Noticing which familiar feelings from your past this bond touches; addressing themes such as fear of abandonment or self-sacrifice.
- Coping with longing and the urge to go back: Developing a concrete plan for moments of intense longing.
- Setting boundaries and finding your own voice: Working step by step on noticing and expressing your needs.
The pace of the work is set according to your safety and readiness. It is you, not the therapist, who makes the decision; therapy opens a space for you to make that decision more clearly and less alone. You can find information about work with adults on the individual therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is trauma bonding love?
A trauma bond may also contain genuine feelings of love; that is why it would not be right to call it "fake". However, the strength of the bond is fed largely by a cycle of fear, uncertainty and relief. Love without safety and respect is not enough to build a healthy relationship.
I've left, but I still miss them. Is this normal?
Yes, it is very common. Longing is a result of the emotional and physical imprint of the bond and tends to lessen over time, especially when contact is limited. Seeing the longing not as a signal to make a decision but as a wave that needs to pass makes things easier.
Does trauma bonding only happen in romantic relationships?
No. A similar bond can develop between a parent and child, an employee and manager, or even between an individual and a group of friends. The common point is a power imbalance combined with good and bad periods intertwining unpredictably.
Can the other person change?
People can change; but this becomes possible when the person takes responsibility for their own behaviour and seeks support of their own accord. Your becoming more accommodating, quieter or more understanding will not change their behaviour. While waiting for change, it is important not to put your own safety and wellbeing on hold.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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