Undefined Relationship: When the Question What Are We Goes Unanswered

Are you in an undefined relationship? Read why unlabelled bonds can be so draining, how to have the clarity conversation and how to protect yourself.

You have been messaging almost every day for eight months. You spend weekends together, know each other's friends, and when you were ill they left medicine at your door. But at a wedding, when someone asks, "Is that your partner?", they laugh and say, "No, we're just friends." On the way home there is an emptiness inside you that is hard to describe. You want to ask, "What are we?", but you are afraid that if you do, everything will fall apart. An undefined relationship is a bond lived in exactly this in-between zone: you are as close as partners, but it has no name; you don't know whether you have a future; it is unclear where the boundaries begin and end. In this article we will talk about why relationships like this can be so exhausting, whom the uncertainty protects and whom it wears down, and how you can voice your wish for clarity.

What Is an Undefined Relationship?

An undefined relationship describes a bond in which two people are close to each other emotionally and in terms of time, but where what the relationship is, where it is heading and which expectations apply have not been discussed, or one side avoids discussing them. In recent years it has also been called by the English word "situationship".

At the start of every new relationship there is a natural period of uncertainty. While you are getting to know each other there is no need to put a label on things straight away; this period is often filled with curiosity and excitement. The problem begins when the uncertainty stops being a stage and turns into a permanent arrangement. Months pass, closeness grows, but the name and direction of the relationship stay in the same place.

These unlabelled bonds can take different forms:

• The "we're fine like this for now" relationship: Neither side talks about what it is, but one side secretly hopes for more.
• The relationship kept hidden: It is concealed from families, the workplace or the people around you; "It's not the right time yet," they say, but the time never seems to come.
• The on-and-off relationship: A period of intense closeness, then a period of silence; with every return it is unclear where things stand.
• The long-distance bond: Two people living in different cities or countries who meet now and then but have never defined what they are.

What Are the Signs of an Undefined Relationship?

If several of the following feel familiar, you may be in an undefined relationship:

• You don't know what to call them: partner, friend, "someone I'm seeing"?
• Plans are usually made at the last minute; nothing is discussed for a few weeks ahead.
• You can't predict where they will be on a religious holiday, on your birthday or on a hard day for you.
• You don't know whether they are seeing someone else, and you hesitate to ask.
• When the question "What are we?" comes up, the subject changes, a joke is made or you hear, "Why are you so hung up on labels?"
• You try to interpret the tone, the number of emojis and the reply time of every message from them.
• You are not seen together on social media; you are absent from their posts.
• You play down your own wishes as "too much": "Well, they never promised anything."

These signs do not always mean the other person has bad intentions. Sometimes neither side is truly sure what they want. But the longer the uncertainty lasts, the more one side usually pays a higher price than the other.

Why Is Uncertainty So Exhausting?

The human mind is inclined to perceive uncertainty as a threat. Knowing that something is bad can sometimes feel easier to bear than not knowing whether it is good or bad. In an undefined relationship the mind switches into constant "guessing mode": What does this message mean, why didn't they write this evening, who is that person in the photo?

Another challenging aspect of this situation is a mechanism known as intermittent reinforcement. When attention and closeness come not regularly but unpredictably, a person becomes more attached to that attention. A warm message after a week of silence creates a far more powerful relief than regular attention does. That locks you into waiting for the next warm message. This pattern, which resembles the principle a slot machine works on, makes it harder to break away from a relationship in which you are in fact unhappy.

Let us say you had a lovely dinner together on Friday evening, talked for a long time, and they told you about their family and their childhood. After that closeness, not a single message comes from them on Saturday or Sunday. On Monday at lunchtime, as if nothing had happened, they send a link to a song. Over the weekend you stopped counting how many times you picked up your phone; when the song arrives, an indescribable relief spreads through you, and every question you had disappears beneath it. At the next silence the cycle starts again. To someone looking from the outside this picture is clearly exhausting; the person inside it, however, often only asks themselves, "Am I making too much of this?"

In uncertainty, what wears you out most is not the answer itself but the life you spend waiting for it.

An unlabelled bond can also quietly erode a person's sense of self-worth. The thought "If I were better, they would give us a name" can turn over time into an attitude of constantly trying to prove yourself. Instead of voicing your own needs, you stay silent so as "not to push"; and the more you stay silent, the more invisible your needs become.

Why Does an Undefined Relationship Drag On?

Attachment patterns. For someone who is uncomfortable with closeness, uncertainty is a safe space: they can be close without having to take on responsibility. Someone with high abandonment anxiety, on the other hand, may avoid asking for clarity for fear of losing the other person. When these two tendencies meet, uncertainty becomes a kind of balance for both sides. We look at these dynamics in more detail in our article on attachment styles.

A sense of abundant options. Dating apps can keep the thought "Maybe there's someone more suitable" constantly alive. One side feels that defining the relationship would mean closing off other options. You can find the effect of apps on the way we form relationships in our article on dating apps.

Family and social pressure. In Turkey, giving a relationship a name often means families getting involved too: meeting the parents, a promise ceremony, an engagement, questions of "What are your intentions?" Some people prefer to keep the relationship unnamed to escape the weight of this process. For people from a conservative family, or who are seeing someone they think their family would not approve of, uncertainty can also be a way of hiding.

Economic conditions. Rents, wedding costs and job insecurity can lead some young adults to see a long-term commitment as a burden they "can't shoulder right now". This may reflect a real worry rather than emotional avoidance; but the result is still uncertainty.

Fear of loss. The thought "If I ask, I'll lose them" is one of the most common reasons. Yet not asking can also keep a person in a half-relationship for months, sometimes years.

How Can You Protect Yourself in an Undefined Relationship?

First, clarify what you want

Before asking the other person "What are we?", ask yourself: What do I want? An exclusive relationship, a future together, or genuinely a light bond for now? Sometimes uncertainty suits both sides; the problem is when one side accepts it without wanting it.

Give yourself a time frame

The thought "I'm waiting for the right moment to bring this up" can turn into endless waiting. Set yourself a realistic time frame: for example, I will raise this within the next month. This time frame is not an ultimatum to the other person but a promise you make to yourself.

Have the clarity conversation

Have this conversation not by message but, if possible, face to face and at a calm moment. Instead of blaming, describe your own experience:

"Spending time with you does me a lot of good. But not knowing what we are is hard for me. I want an exclusive relationship that has a name. I'd like to know how you feel about this."

There is a request in this sentence but no pressure. It leaves the other person room to think, and it also states your need clearly.

Hear the answer as it is

Answers such as "I don't know", "I'm not ready right now" or "Aren't we fine like this?" are answers too. It can be tempting to interpret them as "If I wait a bit longer, it will change." Ask yourself honestly: Can I live with this answer as it stands now? If the answer is no, you have the right to decide according to your own needs rather than wait.

Don't put your life on hold

In unlabelled relationships people often arrange their plans around the other person's schedule, drift away from their friends and turn down other opportunities. Protecting your own friendships, hobbies and goals both supports your self-worth and allows you to see the relationship more clearly.

Cut down the habit of interpreting

Trying to decode the meaning behind every message keeps the mind constantly on alert. When a message arrives, instead of reading it twice and sending a screenshot to a friend, remind yourself: "This message doesn't tell me what the relationship is; only an open conversation can tell me that."

If they suddenly disappear

In bonds like this the other person sometimes cuts off contact without any explanation. This experience is particularly wounding, because there is not even an "official" relationship to end, and you may not be able to tell anyone about your grief. To cope with this situation you can look at our article on ghosting.

If you are the one choosing uncertainty

Sometimes the person who does not want clarity may be you. There can be many understandable reasons for this: not yet knowing what you want, carrying the wounds of a past relationship, being unable to make promises because of another uncertainty in your life. None of these makes you a bad person. But brushing the subject aside while sensing that the other person hopes for more can take months out of their life. Saying "I can't promise you a relationship right now, and it's important that you know that" is a hard but fair sentence; it gives the other person the information they need to make their own decision.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

This situation does not always call for therapy. But seeking support can be helpful in the following cases:

• Months of uncertainty are affecting your sleep, appetite or work performance
• Waiting for a message from them has become the centre of your day
• When you think about asking for clarity you feel intense anxiety and keep postponing it
• You notice that you keep experiencing similar undefined relationships
• You find yourself thinking you are not chosen "because you are not good enough"
• You want to break away from this relationship but somehow cannot

Individual therapy offers a space to understand what keeps you in this relationship and to gain the strength to express your own needs.

How Is the Experience of an Undefined Relationship Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy two questions are usually worked on together: What is happening in this relationship, and which pattern in your life does this relationship fit?

Within the framework of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), thoughts such as "If I ask for clarity I'll lose them", "I want too much" or "If I'm patient they will change too" are examined. Together you see how these thoughts silence you and ultimately lead to more anxiety. The clarity conversation can be rehearsed; what you will say, and how, is made concrete.

A schema therapy perspective helps you understand why you settle for uncertainty, or why you prefer it. Someone who grew up with a parent whose love came unpredictably, close one day and distant the next, may be drawn to this familiar pattern in adulthood. For someone who learned to suppress their own needs, even the question "What do I want?" can feel foreign.

If you are the one choosing uncertainty, therapy can help you understand your fears around commitment and how those fears affect the other person. In therapy some people realise that the arrangement they have kept up for years is actually a form of protection: if I never make a promise, I never disappoint; if I never give it a name, I am never left. Seeing the cost of that protection is the first step towards being able to make a new choice.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long is it normal for an undefined relationship to last?

There is no length of time that fits everyone. What matters is less the length of time than whether the uncertainty suits both sides. If one of you wants more and this cannot be discussed, the burden is heavy even if the time is short.

Will asking "What are we?" scare the other person off?

Some people may feel uncomfortable with this question. But asked in a calm, non-blaming way, it is a question that should be possible to discuss in a healthy relationship. If you are afraid the question will end the relationship, that fear itself may carry important information about the relationship.

Can an undefined relationship turn into a real relationship?

Yes, sometimes it does, especially if both sides realise over time that they want the same thing. But this transformation usually begins not with waiting but with talking openly.

Why am I suffering so much now that the undefined relationship is over?

The fact that it had no name does not mean the bond you lived was not real. What is more, the people around you may belittle your grief by saying, "Well, you weren't really together." Taking the pain of this loss seriously and giving yourself room to grieve is important.

• #situationship
• #unlabelled relationship
• #clarity in relationships
• #dating

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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