What is self-esteem, and how does it differ from self-confidence? Read about the signs of low self-worth, its childhood roots and the steps that strengthen it.
Picture a thirty-eight-year-old engineer. He gives presentations comfortably in meetings, negotiates with foreign clients, and is someone whose word carries weight in his team. Everyone looking from the outside would say his "self-confidence is in good shape". In his year-end review, after ten positive points, his manager writes a single area for development. That weekend the engineer sits at home without speaking to anyone, and a single sentence goes through his mind: "Actually, I can't do anything right." This picture shows the difference between two concepts that are often used interchangeably: trusting that you can do something is one thing; feeling that you are valuable is another. In this article we look at what self-esteem is, how it differs from self-confidence, what it looks like when it is low, where it comes from and how it can grow stronger.
What Is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is a person's overall evaluation of how valuable, acceptable and worthy of respect they see themselves as a whole. It is like the answer we give inwardly to the question, "Am I a good person; do I deserve to be loved and respected?" This concept has been studied in psychology for many years; the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale, developed in the 1960s and still widely used, is one of the most familiar examples.
Valuing yourself in a healthy way does not mean seeing yourself as perfect. On the contrary, it is being able to give yourself a basic worth while also accepting your shortcomings and mistakes. Being able to say, "I'm not good at this, but I'm still a valuable person" is the essence of this concept.
Valuing yourself is not arrogance or conceit either. Someone who truly values themselves does not feel the need to belittle others, because they do not have to prove their worth by comparing themselves with other people. Behaviours such as a constant need for praise, reacting to criticism with excessive anger and putting others down are usually signs not of a strong but of a fragile sense of self. Although these kinds of patterns are referred to in everyday language as "narcissism", it is worth remembering that a personality disorder can only be diagnosed through a comprehensive assessment by a specialist.
Self-Esteem Versus Self-Confidence: What Is the Difference?
In everyday language the two concepts are often used interchangeably; yet they describe different things.
Self-confidence is the trust you have that you can do something in a particular area. Confidence in driving, confidence in speaking in public, confidence in cooking, and so on. Self-confidence develops largely through skill and experience; the same person can have high confidence in one area and low confidence in another.
Self-esteem, on the other hand, is the overall value a person places on themselves, independent of their skills. It is fed not by whether you succeed or fail at something, but by the question "Am I valuable as myself?"
This distinction matters, because the two can follow independent courses. Like the engineer at the beginning of the article, someone who is competent and confident in many areas can feel worthless deep down. For these people, every success brings temporary relief, but the feeling of being "good enough" never becomes lasting. Conversely, a woman who has spent years at home raising children and has low confidence about returning to work, saying "But I don't do anything", may be sure of her own worth and have solid inner ground.
This difference also shapes the way forward. Self-confidence grows with practice and experience. The value a person places on themselves, however, usually requires working with deeper beliefs and with the relationship the person has with themselves. Gaining new skills makes a person more competent; but as long as the underlying belief of worthlessness does not change, every new skill can quickly be dismissed with the thought, "I managed this too, but it's still not enough."
Signs That You Struggle to Value Yourself
A low sense of self-worth does not always show itself openly. Sometimes it is masked by shyness, and sometimes, quite the opposite, by excessive hard work and perfectionism. The following signs are among the most common:
- Being unable to accept compliments, immediately turning them away or playing them down
- Constantly apologising even when you have not done anything wrong
- Saying "yes" to things you don't want so as not to upset others
- Constantly comparing yourself with others and measuring yourself against what you see on social media
- Experiencing a small criticism as an attack on your whole personality
- Attributing your successes to luck and bad outcomes to yourself
- Putting up with behaviour in relationships that is not good for you, with a sense of "I don't deserve better"
- Staying away from new opportunities, saying "it won't work out anyway"
- Finding it hard to voice your needs, always putting yourself last
For more on oversensitivity to criticism, you can read our article on the fear of criticism.
How Is the Value We Place on Ourselves Shaped?
The foundations of the value we place on ourselves are largely laid in childhood. A child reads their first information about themselves in the eyes of the adults who care for them. A child who feels loved and accepted, and feels that their worth does not diminish when they make a mistake, acquires solid inner ground.
Some experiences that weaken this ground are:
Conditional love. Even if the sentence "I'll love you if your school report is good" is never said out loud, in homes where love and attention are shown only at moments of success, the child learns that their worth depends on their performance.
Being compared. Sentences such as "The neighbour's son got full marks in maths" or "When your sister was your age..." feature in the childhood memories of many adults in Turkey. A child who is constantly compared begins always to weigh their own worth by someone else's measure.
Harsh criticism and humiliation. Environments in which mistakes are met with mockery, shouting or generalisations such as "You'll never amount to anything" can leave behind a lasting inner critic.
Emotional neglect. A child whose physical needs are met but whose feelings are not seen or asked about may conclude, "What I feel doesn't matter."
Peer experiences. Being excluded at school, being bullied or being mocked for one's appearance deeply affects the sense of self during adolescence.
Cultural context adds to this picture. In an education system where success is often measured by exam scores, many young people grow up matching their own worth to their marks. On the other hand, the idea that "Praising yourself is shameful" can blur the line between healthy modesty and constantly putting yourself down. Unemployment, divorce, workplace bullying or long-term health problems in adulthood are also among the experiences that can shake the way a person sees themselves.
An important reminder is needed at this point: looking at childhood experiences does not mean blaming parents. Many mothers and fathers repeat what they saw in the environment they grew up in, usually with good intentions. A parent who holds back praise "so the child doesn't get spoilt", or who compares "so the child takes someone as an example", does not aim to hurt the child but to prepare them for life. Understanding these roots is not about finding someone to blame but about being able to look at yourself through different eyes today.
The Trap of Conditional Self-Worth
Many people make valuing themselves conditional: "I'm valuable if I have a good job", "if I lose weight", "if everyone likes me". This kind of conditional sense of worth rises when the condition is met and falls sharply when it is not. The person lives as if constantly sitting an exam; every criticism, every failure, every rejection calls their worth into question again.
The most exhausting part of this trap is that no success is ever enough. When a promotion comes, the relief lasts a few days, and then the next goal appears. Because the problem lies not in reaching the goal but in worth having been tied to the goal.
A healthier approach is to separate evaluating our actions from evaluating ourselves. A presentation going badly is information about that presentation; it is not a verdict on the person's worth as a whole.
Our worth is not recalculated every term like a school report; we can evaluate what we do, but not our existence.
How Does Self-Esteem Grow Stronger?
Strengthening the way you value yourself requires more than repeating a few positive sentences. Real change comes as the relationship you have with yourself is transformed over time. The following steps can provide a starting point for that transformation:
- Get to know your inner critic. For a week, note down the harsh sentences you say to yourself. Then ask: whose voice does this sound like? It is often noticed that these sentences are echoes of words heard in childhood.
- Separate behaviour from personality. "I was late for the meeting" is a behaviour; "I'm an irresponsible person" is a verdict. When you talk to yourself, take care to use the language of behaviour.
- Keep a positive data log. The mind easily records information that fits a negative self-image and overlooks information that contradicts it. Every evening, write down three small pieces of evidence that support something positive about yourself: a friend's thanks, a problem you solved patiently, a moment when you kept your word.
- Live according to your values. Evaluate yourself not by performance but by how closely you live in line with the values that matter to you: honesty, compassion, effort, curiosity. Values offer a more stable foundation than success.
- Set small boundaries. Kindly saying "no" to something you don't want gives yourself the message "My needs matter too." Start with small steps, such as leaving a colleague's extra request until the next day.
- Limit sources of comparison. Muting for a while the social media accounts that constantly make you feel inadequate gives your mind room to breathe. Comparing other people's shop windows with your own kitchen is never fair.
- Approach yourself with compassion. In a difficult moment, what would you say to a friend in the same situation? Try saying that sentence to yourself too.
When the engineer at the beginning of the article starts a positive data log, in the first weeks he struggles to find anything to write. In the third week the list starts to grow: patiently helping a new colleague, calling his mother every Sunday, managing to stay calm with a difficult client. In the next review, the development area is written there again; but this time he is able to read it not as a list of failings but as a road map.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Difficulties with valuing yourself have usually formed over many years, and changing them on your own can take time. In the following situations, working with a professional may be helpful:
- If a sense of worthlessness noticeably affects your daily life and your decisions about work and relationships
- If you stay in relationships where you cannot get away from the person who hurts you
- If the sense of worthlessness is accompanied by depressive symptoms such as lack of motivation, sleep problems or hopelessness
- If, because of anxiety, you constantly avoid social settings, job opportunities or new experiences
- If thoughts of self-hatred and self-contempt have intensified
For more detailed information on feelings of worthlessness, you can read our article on the feeling of worthlessness. If these thoughts have turned into thoughts of harming yourself, do not carry this alone, and in an emergency call 112 (emergency services) without delay.
How Is Self-Esteem Addressed in Therapy?
In cognitive behavioural therapy, low self-esteem is addressed through the person's core beliefs about themselves and the patterns of thought and behaviour that keep these beliefs in place. A core belief such as "I'm inadequate" or "I'm not worthy of love" produces rules such as "If I make a mistake, everyone will see what I'm really like." These rules are in turn maintained by behaviours such as avoidance, over-preparation or always pleasing others. In therapy this chain is made visible together, beliefs are weighed against evidence and tested through behavioural experiments.
The schema therapy perspective goes down to the roots of schemas such as defectiveness, failure or emotional deprivation in particular. Unmet childhood needs for acceptance and love are recognised; in place of the person's punitive inner voice, a compassionate, healthy adult voice is strengthened.
Clinical Psychologist Eda Erkan Alapala has completed Cognitive Behavioural Therapy training to EABCT standards with the KDTD and studied early maladaptive schemas in her master's thesis. If you would like to strengthen your relationship with yourself, it is possible to carry out this work within individual therapy, either face to face or online.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can self-esteem be too high?
There is no "too much" of a truly solid sense of self-worth, because it includes valuing others while valuing yourself. What causes problems is usually not a high but an inflated and fragile sense of self. Although such a self-image may look confident from the outside, it is easily shaken by criticism.
How can I support my child in valuing themselves?
Not tying your love to success, appreciating effort more than outcomes, not comparing your child with others and treating their mistakes as learning opportunities are the basic steps. Taking your child's feelings seriously gives them the message "You matter" most powerfully.
Are tests that measure self-esteem reliable?
Scientifically developed scales provide useful information when used as part of an assessment by a specialist. Quick online tests, however, can only give a general idea and should not be seen on their own as a result or a label.
Can a new relationship or job fix my self-esteem?
A supportive relationship or a satisfying job can help you feel better about yourself. But if your worth depends entirely on an external source, your self-esteem will be shaken when that source is shaken. Lasting change comes when, alongside external circumstances, the relationship you have with yourself is transformed too.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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