Witnessing Violence as a Child: The Effects That Last Into Adulthood

How does witnessing violence as a child leave its mark in adulthood? Read about what people who grew up with violence at home go through and how to heal.

The sound of the neighbours arguing comes through the thin wall of the apartment block. A man's voice rising, a woman crying, something falling to the floor. You are thirty-five, in your own home, on your own sofa; but suddenly your heart is pounding as if it will burst out of your chest, your hands go cold, you hold your breath. Your body remembers those nights, years ago, when you pulled the duvet over your head in bed and waited. Witnessing violence as a child, that is, seeing or hearing violence between parents or within the family, or living with its consequences, is an experience that can leave deep marks on a child's mind even if they were never directly subjected to violence themselves. In this article I will try to explain how these marks show up in adulthood, what a child growing up in that home learns, why this subject remains so silent in Turkey and what can be done on the road to healing.

What Does Witnessing Violence as a Child Mean?

Witnessing violence within the family does not only mean seeing an incident with your own eyes. Hearing shouting, the sound of slaps and things breaking from the next room; seeing the bruises on your mother's face the next morning; breathing in the tense silence at home every day; waiting fearfully for the time your father comes home are all part of witnessing too. Sometimes the child steps in and tries to protect their mother; sometimes they hide, or take their siblings to another room.

For a long time it was thought that "If the child wasn't touched, they won't be affected." Yet today it is known that children can be affected by witnessing violence between their parents at least as much as by being directly subjected to it. Because for a child the most basic need is safety; and the adults who should be the source of safety have at the same time become the source of fear.

This experience is usually not a single event but something that repeats over years. That is why its effects are generally deep and many-layered. You can find more about the features of long-lasting, relational trauma in the article on complex trauma.

How Does Witnessing Violence as a Child Leave Its Mark in Adulthood?

Being constantly on alert

A child who grows up in a home with violence learns to sense danger in advance. They read their father's mood from the sound of the key in the door, the pace of his footsteps, the silence at the dinner table. This "radar" keeps working in adulthood: raised voices, doors slamming or a small tension on someone's face can put the body into a state of alarm.

Fearing conflict or being swept up by anger

Some adults avoid every kind of argument; at the slightest disagreement they fall silent, withdraw and try to placate the other person. Others struggle to control their own anger, and this frightens them deeply: "Am I going to turn out like my father?"

Guilt and the feeling "I couldn't protect them"

Having been unable to protect their mother as a child, being unable to hide their siblings, or thinking "The fight started because I was naughty" can leave a feeling of guilt that persists into adulthood. A child's mind wants to believe it can control what happens; so taking on the blame feels more bearable than helplessness.

Growing up too early

Many children in homes with violence take on the role of "little adult". They listen to their mother's troubles, look after their siblings and keep the house in order so as not to anger their father. In adulthood these children often become people who take on responsibility for everyone but cannot see their own needs. For the adult reflections of this role, you can take a look at the article on the parentified child.

Trust in relationships and the fear of repetition

Growing up in a setting where love and fear existed together in the same home, even in the same person, can make close relationships complicated. Some people cannot trust anyone and avoid closeness. Others may, without realising it, be drawn to what is familiar, that is, to controlling or angry partners. This is not destiny; but when it goes unnoticed, it carries a risk of repetition.

Body and mood

Growing up in long-term fear can be associated with anxiety, depression, sleep problems, unexplained bodily pains and an intense sense of shame. Many people only notice years later that these symptoms may be connected with their childhood.

Why do the effects appear years later?

Many people notice the effect of what they went through in childhood only after leaving home, or even after starting a family of their own. In childhood all the energy goes into surviving; there is neither the time nor a safe space to feel emotions. When a relatively safe life is built in adulthood, suppressed feelings begin to rise to the surface. An argument in a marriage, the birth of a first child, or a parent falling ill or dying can set these feelings in motion unexpectedly. So witnessing violence as a child can be an experience whose effects sometimes show twenty or thirty years later. This delay does not mean that what happened "is in the past"; it shows that the mind only begins to process feelings once it feels safe.

None of these effects on its own means a diagnosis; and not everyone who grows up witnessing violence carries the same marks. A supportive grandmother, an understanding teacher or a safe friendship can be important protective factors that strengthen a child's resilience.

Through a Child's Eyes: What Is Learned in That Home?

In a home with violence, a child learns certain "rules" that no one states openly. These rules protect them at the time; but in adulthood they can narrow life:

• "Anger is dangerous." So they suppress their own anger or are excessively afraid of other people's.
• "Don't make a sound." They learn not to voice their needs, objections and feelings.
• "Love and pain go together." They may come to see staying attached to someone who treats them badly as ordinary.
• "What happens at home stays at home." Shame and secrecy become a big obstacle to asking for help.
• "Everything is in my hands." They feel responsible even for things they cannot control.
• "Happy moments aren't safe either." Because they know a pleasant evening could turn into a fight at any moment, even in adulthood they cannot fully relax in enjoyable moments; they live expecting that "Something is about to happen."

Becoming aware of these rules is the first step in seeing that they are no longer obligatory.

The "It Happens in Every Family" Silence in Turkey

In our country domestic violence was for a long time seen as a "family matter", and in many homes it remains a subject that is not talked about. Neighbours hear the noise but do not get involved, saying, "You don't come between husband and wife." Relatives say, "He's a man, he gets angry" or "Be patient, it'll get better." The child senses that what they are living through is wrong; but the silence of the adults around them teaches them that it cannot be talked about.

Many mothers say, "I put up with it for your sake." This sentence can lead a child, in adulthood, to carry both deep gratitude and pity towards their mother and a suppressed anger: "I wish you hadn't put up with it." Having these two feelings together is confusing and is often experienced alongside guilt.

Kissing their father's hand on holiday visits, sitting at the family table as if nothing had happened, or having to look after an ageing father who has now grown weak creates a separate dilemma for adult children. They can get stuck between the thought "If I don't look after him, I'll be an ungrateful child" and the feeling "Why should I look after someone who did this to me?" There is no single right answer to this dilemma.

Let's say a woman in her forties witnessed her father's violence towards her mother throughout her childhood. Her father is now old and ill; her siblings want to leave the caring to her, "because you're his daughter." After every visit she cannot sleep for days, and she becomes impatient with her husband and children. She cannot tell anyone, because "It's not right to dig up the past." For this woman, the first step might be to notice the connection between her intense reactions and the past, and to see that she has the right to set her own boundaries.

Steps You Can Take Towards Healing If You Witnessed Violence as a Child

• Name what you went through: Saying "I grew up in a home where there was violence" instead of "There used to be a bit of fighting in our house" is the beginning of acknowledging your experience without making it smaller.
• Get to know your body's reactions: Notice what happens in your body when voices are raised or in moments of tension. Reminding yourself "I'm safe now, this isn't that night" and breathing slowly can help calm the state of alarm.
• Put the blame where it belongs: What happened in your childhood was not your fault. A child is not responsible for preventing adults' violence.
• Observe the patterns in your relationships: Is there something that repeats in your choice of partners or your reactions during arguments? Noticing these without judgement is the first step in changing them.
• Recognise your right to set boundaries: You have the right to decide the shape of your relationship with the parent who was violent. Seeing them less often, setting boundaries on certain subjects or redistributing caring responsibilities among siblings are legitimate options.
• Strengthen your circle with safe people: Friendships and relationships in which you can disagree without anyone raising their voice teach your body anew that "Conflict does not always turn into violence." Noticing and collecting these experiences is a quiet but powerful way of putting new learning in place of old fears.
• Build a safe language in your own home: If you are a parent, take care not to raise your voice when you argue in front of your children, and if an argument has happened, make a repair afterwards. Seeing that the cycle can change with you can be a healing experience.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It is important to talk to a professional in the following situations:

• If you experience intense fear, freezing or panic in the face of raised voices, arguments or particular people,
• If you struggle to control your own anger and are frightened by this,
• If you notice that you are repeating patterns involving violence or control in your relationships,
• If you have nightmares, intrusive images from childhood and sleep problems,
• If you carry intense guilt, shame or a sense of worthlessness.

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, share this immediately with someone close to you and with a professional; in emergencies, call 112 (emergency services). If you are currently being subjected to violence in your own home, or you know that a child is living with violence, you can call 112 in an emergency, and ALO 183 (Turkey's social support hotline) for support and referral. For detailed information on the rights of women subjected to violence and the routes to support, you can take a look at the article on women who experience violence.

How Are the Effects of Witnessing Violence as a Child Addressed in Therapy?

The first step in therapy is building a safe relationship. For someone who grew up in a home with violence, trusting another person and telling their own story is not easy; so the process moves forward respecting the person's pace. Work usually focuses on the following areas:

• Making sense of the symptoms: Seeing that today's reactions of being on alert, freezing or anger are survival strategies learned in childhood.
• Regulation skills: Learning to stay balanced in the face of intense bodily reactions and emotions.
• Processing traumatic memories: Lightening the weight of memories, to the extent the person is ready, with approaches such as trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy or EMDR.
• Working with schemas: Addressing deep beliefs such as "I'm not safe", "My needs don't matter" or "Someone who loves me can hurt me" from a schema-focused perspective.
• Relationships and boundaries: Reshaping the present-day relationship with parents, the roles among siblings and one's own partner relationship.

You cannot change what happened in that home; but you do not have to carry everything that home taught you.

You can read about how this is worked on individually on the individual therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

I grew up in a home with violence. Will I be violent too?

Growing up witnessing violence can be a risk, but it is not destiny. The very fact that you are asking this question is a sign of your awareness. Developing skills for coping with anger and getting support when needed are the most effective ways of breaking the cycle.

I'm angry with my mother too, for not leaving. Is that normal?

Yes, this is a very common feeling. You may feel anger towards the parent who could not protect you as much as towards the parent who was violent. This anger does not mean you do not love your mother. Understanding that she too may have been living within financial, social and emotional limitations at the time can help transform the anger without denying it.

Should I cut off contact with my father?

There is no single right answer to this decision that applies to everyone. Some people choose a distant but ongoing relationship, while others cut off contact completely to protect themselves. What matters is that the decision is made with your own safety and mental health in mind, not out of guilt or pressure from those around you.

My siblings grew up in the same home but seem unaffected. Why?

Siblings who grow up in the same home may have had very different experiences depending on their age, their role in the home, their temperament and how close they were to the events. And "seeming unaffected" does not always mean being unaffected. Rather than comparing your experience with your siblings', it is important to take your own needs seriously.

• #domestic violence
• #childhood trauma
• #witnessing violence
• #relationships
• #trauma

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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