Adolescence Abroad: Growing Up Between Two Cultures

What challenges does adolescence abroad bring? Practical advice for parents and teens on identity, family conflict and the need to belong between two cultures.

Adolescence is a stage of life when every young person asks, intensely, "Who am I, and where do I belong?" For Turkish teenagers growing up abroad, this question gains another layer: one culture at home, another at school and on the street. Adolescence abroad means trying to build a bridge between two different worlds of expectation. On one side are the family's values, religious festivals, hospitality, and the ideas of "ayıp" (shameful or improper) and "el âlem ne der" (what will people say). On the other are the norms of the peer group and an emphasis on individuality and independence. In this article, we look at what this period means for teens and families, which signs deserve attention, and which concrete steps you can take at home.

What Is Adolescence Abroad, and Why Is It Different?

Adolescence is a developmental stage that generally spans the ages of ten to nineteen, when physical, emotional and social changes speed up. During this time, young people try to separate from their families and form their own identity. Friends become more important, challenging parental rules becomes common, and emotions are felt more intensely. You can find the general features of this stage in more detail in our article on adolescence.

For a young person growing up abroad, this ordinary process takes place between two cultures. They ask not only "How different am I from my family?" but also "What does being Turkish mean to me?" and "How much do I feel I belong here?" Some teens combine these two worlds with ease; others feel caught in between.

This difference has several sources:

• Differences in values: The expectations of the family and those of the surrounding society can diverge on matters such as friendship, dating, going out at night, clothing, alcohol and religious practice.
• Language differences: A young person may find it easier to express feelings in the language of the country they live in, while parents may prefer to speak Turkish.
• Role reversal: Some teens act as interpreters for their parents and help with official correspondence. This can place adult responsibility on a young person at an early age.
• Visibility: Being seen as "different" at school because of one's background, name or religion can affect a young person's sense of belonging.

Signs of Struggle During Adolescence Abroad

Emotional ups and downs are normal in adolescence. However, some signs may show that a young person is feeling torn between cultures or needs support:

• Being very quiet at home but behaving like a completely different person at school or among friends; feeling that they are living "two lives",
• Constantly hiding important things from the family and struggling with the guilt or anxiety this creates,
• Rejecting their Turkish identity altogether or, conversely, cutting themselves off sharply from the society they live in,
• A marked drop in school performance, or not wanting to go to school,
• Long-lasting unhappiness, loss of interest, changes in sleep and appetite,
• Intense outbursts of anger, frequent and heated arguments at home,
• Withdrawing from friends, shutting themselves in their room, spending excessive time on screens,
• Substance use, risky behaviour or thoughts of self-harm.

These signs do not amount to a diagnosis on their own. But when several appear together and last for weeks, it is important to have a calm conversation with your teenager and, if needed, to consider professional support.

Why Does It Become Harder? Cultural Context and Family Dynamics

Parents' Anxiety and the Wish to Protect

Many parents who have migrated fear "losing" their children in a new society. Sometimes this fear turns into stricter rules, frequent monitoring and bans. While parents try to preserve the values of the environment they grew up in, the young person may experience this as mistrust or restriction.

Shame and the Concept of "Ayıp"

In Turkish culture, shame and the concept of "ayıp" are an important part of boundaries within the family. When a parent thinks, "What will people say?", the teenager may ask, "Why should my life be anyone else's business?" Both sides are actually driven by a need to belong and to be accepted; but these needs are directed towards different communities.

Distance in Language and Emotion

If there is a language gap between parent and teenager, emotional conversations can become harder. When a teen says "My mum doesn't understand me", they sometimes literally cannot find the Turkish words to describe their feelings. Parents, in turn, may miss the subtleties of what their teenager is saying in the language of the country they live in.

The Search for Belonging

When young people visit Turkey, they may be met with labels such as "Almancı" (a term for people of Turkish descent living in Germany) or "foreigner"; in the country where they live, they may be seen as "immigrants". The feeling of being "neither from there nor from here" can be especially intense in adolescence. This sense of being in between can lead some teens to give up one of their two identities entirely, and others to avoid thinking about identity at all.

School, Peers and Social Media

Peer approval is extremely important in adolescence. A young person who is teased, excluded or faced with prejudiced comments at school because of their background often does not tell their family, either because they do not want to upset their parents or because they fear hearing "you're exaggerating". Social media makes it easier to find content from both cultures, but it can also increase comparison and the feeling of not belonging. That is why it is important to ask, with curiosity and without judgement, what a teenager is encountering in the digital world.

For a young person growing up between cultures, the real question may not be "Which side am I on?" but "How can I carry both sides within me?"

The Impact of Adolescence Abroad on the Family and Relationships

This period is an adjustment process not only for the young person but for the whole family. Imagine a sixteen-year-old girl who wants to join her friends at an evening event. Her father does not allow it, because in the environment he grew up in, a girl of that age being out in the evening was not considered appropriate. The girl, on the other hand, believes that everyone in her class is going and that she will be left out if she does not. As the argument grows, she starts to lie, and her father feels his trust has been shaken. Each side believes they are right; but the real loss is the trust and communication between them.

Cycles like this can have the following effects on a family:

• Loss of trust and secrecy between parent and teenager,
• Arguments between partners, such as "You are too lenient" and "You are too strict",
• A sense of unfairness among siblings because of different rules,
• Comments and pressure from the extended family in Turkey.

For a more detailed look at cultural conflict between teenagers and parents, you can read our article on cultural conflict between teens and parents abroad.

Concrete Steps for Parents and Teens

For Parents

1. Be curious first, decide later. Instead of immediately saying "no" to your teen's request, ask, "What kind of event is it, who will be there, and why are you so excited about it?" Curiosity increases your teenager's willingness to open up to you.
2. Separate values from rules. Be clear about core values such as honesty, respect and safety, but accept that there may be more than one way to protect them. For example, you might allow the evening event until a certain hour and plan the journey home together.
3. Tell your own migration story. Sharing why you came to this country, what you miss and what you fear helps your teenager understand you better.
4. Limit the interpreter role. It is natural for your teen to help you; but for official, heavy or emotionally loaded matters, look for a professional interpreter or another adult's help where possible.
5. Stay in touch with the school. Teachers and school counsellors can give valuable information about how your teen is adjusting at school. If there is a language barrier, ask whether you can request interpreter support from the school.
6. See the good sides of both cultures. Constantly criticising the country you live in can send your teen the message, "You are lacking because you grew up here."
7. Set a weekly time to chat. Outside of conversations about rules and bans, set aside a short time just to listen to your teen's interests. Walking together, sharing a meal or watching a series you both enjoy creates a ground of trust that makes difficult topics easier to discuss.

For Teens

1. Name your feelings. There is a big difference between "I don't like my family" and "I feel that my family doesn't understand me, and it makes me feel lonely." Saying your feeling clearly makes the conversation easier.
2. Choose the right moment to talk. Don't do it in the middle of an argument; talk at a moment when everyone is calm.
3. Find your own "bridge person". An aunt, cousin, teacher or family friend who understands both you and your family can act as a mediator between the two sides.
4. Explore both of your identities. Discovering Turkish music, literature, food or history in line with your own interests can help you claim your Turkish identity on your own terms rather than your family's.
5. Remember that you are not alone. Many young people have similar experiences. Counselling services at your school, youth centres or an adult you trust can be places where you can share these feelings.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Adolescence abroad can be challenging, but not every struggle requires therapy. It is worth considering support from a professional in these situations:

• If the signs last longer than a few weeks and clearly affect the young person's school, family or social life,
• If arguments at home turn violent or family members can no longer talk to one another,
• If the young person is constantly unhappy, hopeless, feels worthless or is very anxious,
• If substance use, risky behaviour or serious changes in eating patterns are observed,
• If the young person talks about harming themselves or about life being meaningless.

In emergencies such as self-harm or suicidal thoughts, call the emergency number of the country you are in without delay (112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia) or go to the nearest emergency department. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local child and adolescent psychiatric services are necessary. School counsellors and youth mental health services in the country where you live are also important sources of support.

How Do We Work in Online Therapy in Your Native Language?

In sessions with young people growing up abroad, language can be handled flexibly. Some teens prefer to speak Turkish, while others mix the two languages as they talk. Parents, meanwhile, usually find it easiest to express their own worries, values and experiences of life abroad in Turkish. Not having to explain the cultural context at length, such as the concept of "ayıp", the expectations of older relatives or being labelled during visits to Turkey, can make the therapeutic relationship easier. This support is not an alternative to school counselling or local mental health services in the country where you live; it is an option that can be considered alongside them.

In work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT):

• Individual sessions with the young person: Identity, belonging, friendships, school stress and skills for coping with emotions are worked on. Automatic thoughts ("I don't belong anywhere") are noticed and examined alongside more balanced thoughts.
• Sessions with parents: The distinction between rules and values, the developmental needs of adolescence and ways of communicating that reduce conflict are explored.
• Family sessions: When needed, the young person and parents work together to create shared rules in a setting where both sides feel understood.
• Problem-solving skills: Joint solutions are sought step by step on concrete issues such as going out in the evening, screen use or choice of friends.

You can find out about work with adolescents on our teen counselling page. For online sessions, a private room and headphones are important so that the young person feels comfortable; session times can be planned with the time difference and school schedule in mind. Payment is made online and international cards are accepted; it is advisable to check insurance conditions separately in the country where you live. You can find more content for families abroad on our Turks living abroad page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does adolescence abroad cause problems for every young person?

No. Many young people combine the two cultures successfully and experience this as a source of richness. Difficulties become more noticeable when communication within the family weakens, when the young person experiences exclusion, or when they feel they have to choose between the two cultures.

My child is rejecting their Turkish identity. What should I do?

Questioning identity is natural in adolescence. Approaching it with curiosity rather than pressure and criticism, and giving your teen room to explore Turkish culture through their own interests, may be more helpful. Many young people become interested in their roots again in later years.

What can I do if my teenager does not want to go to therapy?

Explain to your teen that therapy is not a punishment but a space where they can talk about themselves. As a first step, you can seek support as a parent; this can help both you and your teenager to see the process as less threatening.

Is online therapy suitable for teenagers?

For many young people who are used to communicating through screens, online sessions can be a comfortable option. What matters is that the young person can speak in a private, uninterrupted setting and takes part willingly. Suitability is assessed together in the first session.

• #adolescence
• #bicultural identity
• #immigrant families
• #parent-teen relationship

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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