Why does cultural conflict arise between teenagers and parents abroad, and how can it be managed? Practical advice on communication, boundaries and trust.
"Are you going too just because all your friends are going?", "You never understand me, this isn't Turkey!" These sentences will sound familiar in many Turkish homes raising teenagers abroad. Adolescence is a period in every family when arguments about independence, boundaries and identity intensify. Abroad, another layer is added to these arguments: the difference between the culture of the home and the culture outside. The relationship between cultural conflict and teenagers often arises not from a lack of love, but from two different worlds meeting under the same roof. In this article we look at the causes and signs of this conflict, and how it can be managed while preserving trust within the family.
Cultural Conflict and Teenagers: What Is Happening Abroad?
Adolescence is a process in which a young person looks for an answer to the question "Who am I?", gradually separating from the family and forming their own values. This process is difficult everywhere. But in Turkish families living abroad, the young person has to build their identity between two different points of reference:
- At home: Family loyalty, respect for elders, what society will say, privacy, religious and traditional values, the lines of "that's not done in our culture"
- At school and among friends: Individuality, independence at an early age, different norms of dating and friendship, the habit of speaking to parents as equals, personal choices put first
These two worlds do not always clash; many young people nourish themselves from both and build a rich identity. But when the lines become sharper on certain issues, tension can be unavoidable. The topics argued over most often are usually these:
- Evening curfews, sleeping over at a friend's house, school trips
- Friendships and dating with the opposite sex
- Clothing and appearance
- Religious practices and traditions
- Phones, social media and privacy
- Career choice and educational path
- Speaking Turkish, holidays in Turkey, family visits
From the parent's point of view, these issues are often about the worry of "protecting my child" and "making sure they don't lose their roots". From the young person's point of view, they are about "being like my friends", "not being left out" and "making my own decision". Both sides have valid reasons from their own perspective.
Signs of Cultural Conflict in the Teenager and in the Family
Conflict does not always look like loud fights. Sometimes it appears as a quiet drifting apart. The following signs may suggest that tension is growing in the family:
In the young person:
- Talking less and less at home, shutting themselves in their room
- Lying often or living "two lives": being one person at home and another outside
- Refusing to speak Turkish or reacting against anything to do with Turkish culture
- Angry outbursts, slamming doors, saying things like "I hate you"
- A fall in school performance, reluctance about school
- Changes in sleep and appetite, constant tiredness
- Saying they do not feel they belong anywhere
In the parent:
- Constant anxiety and a need for control: going through the phone, calling often
- The thought "I wish we hadn't come to this country"
- Arguments between partners such as "You're letting them off too lightly" and "You're too strict"
- Distrust of the young person's friends and school circle
- A sense of helplessness and guilt
These signs can be part of the normal ups and downs of adolescence. But if they continue for a long time and trust in the relationship is seriously damaged, it is necessary to look more closely. To understand the adolescent years in general, the article on adolescence may also help.
Why Are We Struggling So Much? The Cultural Context
The parent's "frozen culture." Families who migrate sometimes remember Turkey as it was in the years they left. Yet Turkey has changed too. Some parents may set stricter rules than many families in Turkey today, because they think the way to preserve the culture is to keep it exactly as it was. This is an understandable reaction born of anxiety, but for the young person it can create a feeling of being stuck: "neither like my peers in Turkey nor like the ones here."
Community pressure. The worry "What will people say?" ("elalem ne der") is sometimes felt even more strongly abroad. When the community is small, everyone knows everyone; a young person's behaviour can be linked to the reputation of the whole family. This can push parents to be more controlling.
Fear of loss. For many migrant parents, the greatest fear is the child "drifting away from us": losing their language, their faith and their values, and becoming a stranger to their family in old age. This fear sometimes turns into behaviour that looks more like control than love.
Role reversal. The young person often knows the language and system of the country they live in better than their parent does. They translate the official letters and make the phone calls. This can weaken the parent's authority, and the parent may try to balance it with stricter rules.
The teenager's double burden. The young person copes with being seen as a "foreigner" at school on one side and being criticised at home as "too estranged" on the other. This can lead the teenager to feel they are not fully accepted anywhere. We have covered this experience of the second generation separately in the article on second-generation Turks.
Underneath most cultural conflicts lies the same feeling: the parent fears losing their child, and the young person fears losing themselves.
The Effect of Conflict on Family Relationships
Conflicts that go on for a long time without being resolved can head in several different directions within the family.
Some young people build a secret life. They tell their parents only what they want to hear and hide their real life. Although this seems to reduce conflict in the short term, the young person cannot turn to their family when they genuinely need help. In a dangerous situation, for example if they are hurt in a relationship or face a risk related to substance use, they may be left alone.
Some young people experience an open break. They reject their family's values entirely and weaken their ties to home. Others, on the contrary, completely suppress their own wishes and show excessive conformity; while they look like a "well-behaved child" from the outside, anxiety, low mood and anger can build up inside.
On the parents' side, disagreement between partners can grow. When one parent is more flexible and the other stricter, the young person can exploit this difference, and alliances can form within the family. Siblings are also affected by this tension: younger siblings, watching what an older sister or brother goes through, either fear their own adolescence or take them as an example.
Say a sixteen-year-old wants to go to a birthday party that school friends are holding at the weekend. The father says a firm "no" and does not explain his reasons. The following week the young person goes to the party, saying they are going to the library. When the father finds out, his trust is shaken and he tightens the rules even further. The young person starts hiding more. This vicious cycle leads to a distance that neither side wants. In the same situation, if the father states his worry openly ("Will there be alcohol there, how will I pick you up, these things worry me") and the young person responds to that worry, it can open the door to a different path.
What Parents Can Do on Their Own
1. Explain the value behind the rules. Saying "Your being safe matters a great deal to me, so I want to know where you are" instead of "Because I say so" makes it easier for the young person to see the rule as a worry rather than pressure.
2. Separate negotiable from non-negotiable matters. Not every issue carries the same weight. Keep a few basic rules about safety clear; be more flexible about things like clothing, music and hairstyle. The "no" of a parent who says no to everything loses its meaning over time.
3. Listen first, then speak. When your young person tells you something, do not rush into giving advice or judging. Saying "I understand, this is important to you" keeps the conversation going.
4. Remember your own youth. You, too, once argued with your parents. What helped you then, and what did you need? This question makes empathy easier.
5. Get to know the young person's world. Try to get to know their friends, visit their school and learn about their interests. Things that are unknown feel more frightening.
6. Pass on culture through relationship, not by force. Values are passed on most in a warm relationship. Cooking together, telling family stories and forming enjoyable ties with relatives in Turkey can be more effective than lecturing.
7. Agree a joint stance with your partner. Talk through the rules between yourselves first, then explain them to the young person together. Take care not to argue about topics you disagree on in front of the young person.
8. Look for areas of compromise. Middle-ground solutions such as "You can go to the party, but I'll pick you up at eleven" let both sides feel heard.
A few notes for teenagers:
- Remember that there is often worry behind your parents' rules. Sharing information that eases their worry (where you will be, who you will be with) increases trust.
- Try talking at a calm time rather than in moments of anger.
- When explaining yourself, using "I" language instead of blame works: instead of "You never understand me", something like "I feel alone with this."
- If talking to your family feels too hard, you can ask another adult you trust, such as an aunt, a school counsellor or a family friend, to act as a go-between.
- Remember that you do not have to choose one of the two cultures. It is possible to embrace some of your family's values and question others, and to adopt some of the norms of the country you live in and not others. Identity is a process shaped over time and by experience.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Arguments in the family are a natural part of adolescence. But in the following situations, getting support from a professional may be worth considering:
- If almost every conversation at home turns into a fight
- If the young person has not spoken to their family for a long time and has withdrawn completely
- If running away from home, dropping out of school or risky behaviour is involved
- If the young person has persistent low mood, intense anxiety or difficulty controlling anger
- If there is physical violence or threats within the family
- If the young person talks about harming themselves, or it is noticed that they are harming themselves
If there is a risk of self-harm or suicide, contact local emergency services without waiting: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local child and adolescent psychiatry services are necessary.
The school's guidance team, youth advice centres and family counselling services in the country where you live are also important resources. Support in your mother tongue can be used alongside these services.
How Does Mother-Tongue Online Therapy Work?
In families experiencing cultural conflict, it can be a great help for the therapist to know both worlds. Parents can feel understood without having to explain at length concepts such as "ayıp" (shameful), "elalem" (what other people will say) and "respect". The young person can feel that their experience is seen not as "estrangement" but as an effort to find their way between two cultures. You can find more information on this on the page for Turks living abroad.
In work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the following areas can be addressed:
- Individual sessions with the teenager: Working with feelings of identity, belonging, anger and anxiety; developing a sense of self that draws on both cultures
- Sessions with the parent: Understanding the source of the worries, reviewing catastrophising thoughts ("If they go to this party, their life will be ruined"), setting age-appropriate boundaries
- Family sessions: Working together on active listening, "I" language and problem-solving skills
- Compromise plans: Making agreements that both sides can accept on concrete issues (curfews, phone use)
Confidentiality is important in sessions with the teenager; the young person should know that what they say will not be passed on to their parents. Except for a serious risk to safety, this confidentiality is kept, and this rule is discussed openly with everyone from the start. In online sessions, it is important for privacy that the young person connects in a room at home where no one can hear, with headphones. Payment can be made online; you need to check the conditions in the country where you live regarding insurance. For details, you can look at the page on teenager counselling.
Frequently Asked Questions
I'm afraid my child will break away from Turkish culture entirely. What should I do?
Culture is passed on not by force but within a warm relationship. Rather than tightening the rules, enjoying the pleasant sides of the culture together can help the young person embrace this identity of their own accord. Most young people become interested in their roots again later in life.
Should I check my teenager's phone?
Checking in secret seriously damages trust when it is discovered. Unless there is a serious suspicion about safety, speaking openly is healthier. Setting the rules for phone use together gives longer-lasting results than monitoring.
My teenager says "You don't understand me." Do we really not understand?
This sentence often means "I want you to be curious about my world." Instead of getting defensive straight away, asking "Can you tell me what you think we don't understand?" can open the door to conversation.
Is family therapy or individual therapy more suitable?
This varies according to the particulars of the situation. Very often individual sessions with the young person, separate sessions with the parents and, when needed, joint family sessions are used together. In the first assessment session, you can work out together which path is suitable.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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