Is your child really misbehaving on purpose? Attention-seeking behaviour, the negative attention cycle, the limits of ignoring and the special time method.
One afternoon while you are working from home, just as you join a video meeting, your five-year-old son runs through the living room shouting, then knocks your pen pot off the desk, and then pulls the cat's tail. As soon as the meeting ends you snap: "You're doing this on purpose!" Perhaps you are even right: your child really did do these things at exactly that moment, in exactly the place where you could see them. But "doing it on purpose" and "doing it out of malice" are not the same thing. Attention-seeking behaviour in children is very often a child using the most effective way they know of saying "See me". In this article we look at why children may even prefer negative attention, how this cycle takes hold at home, and what steps you can take to break it.
What Attention-Seeking Behaviour in Children Is, and What It Isn't
For children, a parent's attention is as basic a need as the nourishment they need to grow. A child wants to feel that their parent sees them, is interested in them and cares about their presence. When this need is not met, the child makes a calculation without realising it: if nobody looks at them when they are behaving well, but everyone turns to them when they break something, breaking things becomes a method that "works".
There is an important distinction here. A child does not plan, "I'll make Mum angry now so she looks at me." Rather, they learn by trial which behaviour produces a result. If shouting makes Mum put the phone down, if pushing a sibling makes Dad come running, these behaviours become more frequent over time. So the phrase "doing it on purpose" is partly true; the child has learned the consequence of the behaviour. But what lies underneath is not badness; it is a need.
Attention-seeking behaviour can show up as:
- Rising noise and activity when a parent is on the phone, when guests arrive or when a parent is concentrating on something
- Doing something they know is forbidden while making eye contact (for example, reaching for a plug socket and looking at the parent)
- Starting to talk like a baby, or going backwards in toilet skills, when a sibling gets attention
- Constantly complaining, whining, asking the same question over and over
- Playing with food at the table, knocking over a glass, rocking on a chair
Each of these behaviours is ordinary on its own. What needs watching is when most of a parent's attention starts to go to behaviours like these.
Why Do Children Prefer Even Negative Attention?
From an adult's point of view it is hard to understand: being told off or punished is not pleasant. Why would a child want it?
The answer is that, for a child, the absence of attention is harder than negative attention. Even an angry parent is completely focused on the child in that moment; they make eye contact, direct their voice at the child, talk to them. Being ignored, by contrast, means "I don't exist" to a child. Many children unknowingly choose the first of these two options.
Typical situations that feed this cycle are:
When a parent's attention is elsewhere: Working from home, the phone, social media, housework or tiredness can mean a parent is physically there but mentally far away. Children sense this "half-presence" very well. We discuss the impact of a parent's relationship with screens on children in more detail in our article on parental phone addiction.
When a new sibling arrives: The attention at home shifting to the baby can create a deep sense of loss in the older child. A child who starts crying while the baby is being fed, or makes noise while the baby is asleep, is really saying "I'm here too." Our article on sibling jealousy can guide you on this.
When positive behaviour goes unseen: When a child is playing quietly, the parent does not approach, thinking "I'd better not disturb them." Yet these are the very moments when a child most needs attention. When good behaviour goes unnoticed, the child tries to make themselves heard another way.
When there is a crisis at home: A house move, a parent's illness, financial hardship, family tension or a major loss drains a parent's energy. During such a period a child both needs more reassurance and receives less attention.
In crowded, noisy homes: In extended families, where there are several children, or where relatives such as a grandmother, grandfather or aunt live in the same house, a child may learn that they need to speak louder to be heard.
How Does the Negative Attention Cycle Take Hold at Home?
Suppose a four-year-old girl comes into the kitchen while her mother is preparing dinner and says, "Mum, look." Her mother, looking at the pan, says, "Mm-hmm, lovely." The child waits a bit longer, then spills the paint in her hand on the floor. The mother turns round immediately, raises her voice, takes the child by the arm to the living room, and spends two minutes explaining why she must not do that.
What the child learns in this scene is clear: saying "Mum, look" didn't work; spilling the paint brought all of Mum's attention. When the same scene is repeated the next day, the child will probably wait for a shorter time and act more quickly.
On the other side of the cycle is the parent. A tired parent naturally prefers to get back to their own tasks when the child is calm and to step in when there is a problem. Over time, most of the relationship starts to consist of warnings, telling-offs and "Don't do that!" Both parent and child are unhappy about this, but the cycle feeds itself.
Think about the moments when your child gets most of your attention; if these are mostly moments when they are causing trouble, you may unintentionally have told them that "this is the way to attention".
How Should You Respond to Attention-Seeking Behaviour in Children?
The way to break the cycle is to change the direction of attention. This does not mean showing a child less attention; it means directing attention towards the right behaviours.
Set aside a short "special time" every day
Set aside 10–15 minutes every day that belong only to your child. During this time, keep your phone in another room. Let your child choose the game and follow their lead. Instead of asking questions, teaching or correcting, describe what they are doing: "You put the red block on top. The tower's getting taller and taller." This short but complete attention can noticeably reduce a child's hunger for attention during the rest of the day. What matters is not the length of time but that it is regular and uninterrupted.
Catch positive behaviour
When your child is playing quietly, sharing a toy with a sibling or trying to get dressed on their own, notice it and say so: "I saw you give your car to your brother, that was really thoughtful." Naming the specific behaviour rather than giving general praise ("Well done, you're so clever") shows a child more clearly what is valued.
Ignore minor behaviours in a planned way
Not reacting to harmless but annoying behaviours such as whining, rocking on a chair or making silly noises reduces the power of these behaviours to "bring attention". However, this method has some rules:
- Ignoring is used only for harmless behaviours. Behaviour that is dangerous or harms someone else or property is always stepped in on.
- When you start ignoring, the behaviour may increase at first. Your child will try the method that used to work even harder. Staying consistent during this period is very important; giving up halfway sends your child the message "If I push harder, it'll work in the end."
- Attention must come back the moment the behaviour stops. When your child stops whining and speaks in a normal voice, turn back straight away and listen to them.
Plan waiting times in advance
Talk with your child in advance about situations when your attention will be divided, such as a phone call, having guests or preparing a meal. "I've got a ten-minute phone call now. While I'm on it you can play with this colouring book. When I'm finished, we'll go out into the garden together." For longer tasks, preparing a "waiting box" that only comes out at those times can also work.
When a limit is needed, be brief and calm
Some behaviours cannot be ignored: hitting a sibling, punching a window, running into the street. In these moments a long lecture gives the child exactly the intense attention they are looking for. Instead, go over, get down to their eye level and speak in one sentence: "No hitting. I'm bringing your brother over to us to keep him safe." Then apply the natural consequence of the behaviour in a calm voice and close the subject. The flatter and shorter your voice, the less of a "stage" the behaviour finds. Once things have calmed down, talking about what happened without dragging it out, and noticing your child straight away the next time they behave positively, helps the limit settle into place without damaging the relationship.
Involve your child
Asking your child to wash vegetables while you cook, or to pair up socks while you fold the laundry, both keeps them busy and gives them the feeling of being someone who is "useful". This is another form of attention.
Observe where your own attention goes
For a few days, jot down a short note in the evening: How many positive interactions did I have with my child today, and how many warnings or telling-offs? This simple observation helps many parents see the balance in the relationship.
Misbehaviour When Visiting and in Crowded Settings
For many parents in Turkey, the hardest moments are bayram (religious holiday) visits, family gatherings or hosting guests. When a parent's attention shifts to adult conversation, a child feels left out. On top of that, in these settings older relatives' looks that say "Why is this child like this?" make the parent even more tense, and reactions can become harsher.
Some suggestions for these situations:
- Before the visit, talk with your child about what will happen: "We'll be at your aunt's for two hours. The grown-ups will be chatting. You can take your colouring set rather than your tablet."
- During the visit, go over to your child every so often and show that you have noticed them with brief eye contact or a hug.
- Include your child in the adult conversation in a suitable way: "My daughter did a drawing today, would you like to show it?"
- Rather than telling them off in front of everyone, take them to a quiet corner and talk briefly.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Behaviours that arise from seeking attention usually start to decrease within a few weeks of changes in a parent's approach. However, it may be helpful to consult a specialist in the following situations:
- If there is no change at all in the behaviour even though special time, positive attention and consistent limits are being used
- If the behaviour is becoming increasingly aggressive and the child is harming a sibling, friends or property
- If the child also constantly disrupts the class at school and there are frequent complaints from the teacher
- If the behaviour problems are accompanied by distractibility, excessive activity or impulsivity
- If the child has changed markedly after a difficult period at home or in the family, such as a loss, divorce or witnessing violence
- If you as a parent feel exhausted, helpless or constantly angry
These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but an assessment is helpful for understanding whether there is another need behind the behaviour.
How Is the Negative Attention Cycle Addressed in Therapy?
Most of the work is usually done with the parents. In the first stage, what happens at home during the day, which behaviours are met with which reactions, and how much positive time is spent with the child are examined in detail. At this point, parents may be asked to keep a short observation diary.
In parent guidance, skills based on behavioural principles are worked on step by step: how to use special time, how to notice and name positive behaviour, which behaviours can be ignored and which need a clear limit. The parent's own tiredness, anxiety, or thoughts such as "My child is deliberately making me angry" can also be addressed using a cognitive behavioural approach.
In work with the child, play comes to the fore. In child-centred play therapy, a child experiences being accepted without judgement, within a time and space entirely devoted to them. This experience helps the child meet their need for attention in a healthy way and find new ways of expressing their feelings. You can find more about this approach on our child and play therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Doesn't ignoring mean neglecting my child?
Planned ignoring means ignoring not the child but only a harmless yet annoying behaviour. You need to give your attention back the moment your child stops that behaviour. This method makes sense when it is used alongside plenty of positive attention and special time during the day.
Does setting aside 15 minutes a day really make a difference?
More than the length of time, what matters is that this time is regular, uninterrupted and led by the child. Many parents notice within a few weeks that their child's demands for attention during the day have decreased. When a child knows attention will reliably come every day, they have less need to look for it in other ways.
My child only misbehaves when their father comes home. Why?
The arrival home of a parent they haven't seen all day is a very precious moment for a child, and they want to claim it as quickly as possible. If the father devotes the first few minutes after coming home only to the child, this behaviour may decrease.
My child also disrupts the class at school to get the teacher's attention. What can I do?
Working together with the teacher is important. You can ask the teacher to notice your child's positive behaviour and give them small responsibilities in class. If the behaviour continues in more than one setting, it is also wise to ask a specialist for an assessment.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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