Many young people who can't afford to get married put it off. We look at how this affects the relationship, self-worth and family ties, and ways of coping.
They have been together for six years. Both of them work, and both are sure of each other. But every time someone asks, "So when are you getting married?", the same silence falls over the table. The young man has calculated the total cost of rent, furniture, the wedding and setting up home over and over again; every time, the result is the same: "Not now." His girlfriend is understanding, but her mother's words, "That boy is stringing you along", will not leave her ears. The young man, for his part, feels himself shrink a little and feel more "inadequate" with every postponement. "I can't afford to get married" is a sentence many young people in Turkey today say out loud or think to themselves. It carries not only an economic reality, but also postponement, shame, uncertainty and, at times, a tension that strains the relationship. In this article we look at the psychological burden of marriage postponed for financial reasons, and at how you can protect both yourself and your relationship during this process.
Why Is the Thought "I Can't Afford to Get Married" So Common?
As in many societies, marriage in Turkey is seen as an important marker of the transition to adulthood. But the financial cost of this transition has risen markedly in recent years.
The cost of setting up home
Finding a flat to rent, paying a deposit and an estate agent's fee, and buying furniture and household appliances is a major burden in itself for a young couple. In big cities where rents are rising fast, even two salaries may not be enough to set up and maintain a home.
The wedding and traditions
Traditions such as the promise ceremony, the engagement, the henna night, the wedding and gifts of gold require serious financial preparation. Some families do not look kindly on giving up these rituals, which pushes the couple either into debt or into postponing.
Job insecurity
For young people working on fixed-term, temporary or irregular contracts, the question "What if I lose my job?" makes taking on a long-term responsibility frightening. The sense of security needed to plan for the future does not take shape.
Responsibility for supporting the family
Many young people are trying to save for their own future while also supporting their parents or siblings financially. Contributing to a father whose pension does not stretch far enough, a sibling who is studying or a relative who is ill can push the young person's goal of setting up their own home even further away. In this situation, a person may feel caught between their responsibility to their family and their wish to build their own life.
Expectations about gender roles
In some families and communities, women and men are given different responsibilities when it comes to setting up home, wedding costs or the trousseau. The expectation that "the man provides the home", in particular, can feed a feeling in young men that "If I'm not good enough, I have no right to get married." Women, meanwhile, are often the ones left waiting in this process, while also facing pressure from those around them: "How much longer are you going to wait?"
The Psychological Burden of Postponed Marriage
Postponing marriage for financial reasons can be a sensible and responsible decision. But this decision also carries an emotional cost.
A sense of inadequacy: The thought "I've reached this age and I still can't set up a home" can shake a person's self-worth. A financial difficulty starts to be perceived as a personal failure.
Shame: Answering questions from relatives, friends or colleagues becomes difficult. To escape these questions, the person may begin to stay away from social settings.
Comparison: Seeing friends get married and have children creates the feeling that "Everyone is moving forward and I'm standing still." Wedding and home photos shared on social media can make this feeling even bigger. We discussed this subject in detail in our article on comparison on social media.
Uncertainty: Having no answer to the question "When?" increases insecurity about the future. Being unable to make plans can create a sense of helplessness.
The postponement cycle: Conditions such as "Let's save a little more", "Let's wait for the pay rise" or "Once I move to the new job" can be replaced by a new one every time the goal comes close. In periods when prices are rising fast, the goal keeps moving further away, so the person may never feel "ready". When this cycle goes unnoticed, postponement stops being a decision and turns into a habit.
Anxiety about time: Especially as people approach their thirties, or if they want to have children, the postponement itself becomes a separate source of anxiety. The question "What if I leave it too late?" occupies the mind.
Economic conditions can change the timetable of your life; but they do not determine your worth.
How Is the Relationship Affected When You Can't Afford to Get Married?
Postponed marriage tests not only the individual, but also the relationship between two people.
Let us think of an example: a twenty-eight-year-old woman has agreed to wait until the financial situation of the boyfriend she has been with for five years improves. For the first two years, this decision makes sense to both of them. But over time the woman begins to feel uneasy that her boyfriend never raises the subject and makes no concrete plan. He, meanwhile, perceives every question as pressure and withdraws. In fact, they both want the same thing; but unspoken expectations build an invisible wall between them.
As the wait grows longer, the relationship itself may start to feel like a kind of "stopover". Couples may also put off plans such as a holiday together, a shared hobby or learning something new together, saying "We'll do that once we're married." Yet constantly waiting for the future without living the present reduces the vitality of the relationship.
Common difficulties in the relationship include:
- Unspoken expectations: one partner waits, thinking "He'll say when he's ready", while the other feels "She's pressuring me."
- Questioning trust: a long postponement can give rise to the question "Does he really want to marry me?"
- Family interference: questions such as "What's going to happen with this?", especially from the woman's family, can strain the relationship from outside.
- Financial inequality: if one partner earns more, sensitivities can arise about who will contribute how much.
- Avoiding talking about a shared future: because the subject is painful, it is never discussed, which increases uncertainty.
How Can You Cope With Pressure From Family and Others?
"When are you going to get married?", "You're getting on", "At your age we already had two children": these are words many young people in Turkey frequently hear during Bayram visits, at weddings and at family gatherings. For someone postponing marriage for financial reasons, these questions can deepen the sense of inadequacy that is already there.
The following can help in coping with this pressure:
- Prepare an answer: a short, clear sentence such as "We have plans, and we'll share them with you when the time comes" saves you from having to give long explanations every time.
- Set a boundary: if the questions become insistent, saying "Talking about this is hard for me; shall we talk about something else?" is not disrespectful; it is a boundary.
- Talk to your family at a calm moment: explaining the economic conditions and the reasons for your decision calmly to your parents can ease their worries. Beneath these questions there is usually love and curiosity.
- Own your timetable: other people's life timetables do not have to be a yardstick for you.
We discussed the wider dimensions of pressure to marry in our article on pressure to get married.
Planning for the Future When Money Is a Worry
The sentence "I can't afford to get married" is often said as if announcing a conclusion. But the same sentence can also be the start of a plan.
Talk openly with your partner
Share your financial situation, your expectations and your fears openly with your partner. Instead of saying "We can't get married right now", asking together "What do we need in order to get married, and how and when can we achieve it?" reduces uncertainty.
Distinguish between the minimum and the ideal
Which things are really necessary for marriage, and which belong to the ideal imagined by those around you, or by you? Starting with a simple civil ceremony, a small home and basic furniture can be a perfectly reasonable option for some couples. Making this distinction makes the goal more achievable.
Set small, concrete steps
Opening a joint savings account, setting a small monthly target and writing down what you want to have completed by a certain date takes waiting out of the realm of the passive. Every small step strengthens your sense of control.
Consider different ways of starting out together
There is no single right way to begin married life. Some couples prefer to live in a smaller home or a more affordable neighbourhood in the early years, some to complete their furnishings over time, and some to start out with the support of one of the families. Each of these options has its advantages and difficulties; starting out living with a family, for example, can ease the budget while raising new questions about boundaries. What matters is weighing the options not by the expectations of those around you, but by the values and means of the two of you.
Recognise anxiety about the future
Financial uncertainty can also trigger a more general anxiety about the future. It is important to notice whether this anxiety is felt only about marriage, or across life in general. We also discuss this feeling, common among young people, in our article on anxiety about the future.
Treat yourself with compassion
Much of the economic situation is outside your control. Making a responsible decision under these conditions is not a failure; it is a sign of maturity. Telling yourself "I'm doing what I can" eases the feeling of inadequacy.
Invest in the present of your relationship too
Even if marriage has been postponed, your relationship is being lived today. Not neglecting the present while planning for the future, spending time together, holding small celebrations and supporting each other make the waiting more meaningful.
Keep your social ties
Not going to weddings, Bayram visits or meet-ups with friends in order to avoid questions about marriage may seem a relief in the short term. But over time this avoidance increases loneliness and the feeling that "I've fallen behind everyone." Keeping up your ties with friends who understand you and listen without judging, and sharing experiences with other young people in a similar situation, lightens the load and reminds you that you are not alone.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Postponing marriage for financial reasons is something many people experience. However, it may be helpful to get support from a professional in the following situations:
- If feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness have lasted a long time and are spreading to other areas of your life
- If anxiety about the future is affecting your sleep, appetite or performance at work
- If arguments with your partner about this have become more frequent and the relationship has started to suffer
- If you have begun to withdraw completely from social settings because of family pressure
- If hopelessness, lack of motivation and the feeling that "Nothing will ever change" have become dominant
How Are Postponed Marriage and Financial Anxiety Addressed in Therapy?
Therapy does not change economic conditions; but it can change how a person makes sense of those conditions and how they cope with them. In individual therapy, the person's thoughts, feelings and relationships concerning themselves and their future are explored together.
In a cognitive behavioural therapy approach, automatic thoughts such as "If I can't set up a home, I'm inadequate" and "Everyone else managed it; I'm the only one who didn't" are noticed and their realism is assessed. The person learns to distinguish between the areas they can and cannot control, to plan concrete steps and to develop skills for coping with anxiety.
In some people, the feeling of financial inadequacy is linked to deeper beliefs from childhood. A schema therapy perspective can help to understand how patterns such as "I'm not good enough" or "I must meet other people's expectations" affect today's decisions. For couples, joint sessions can support talking openly about expectations and building a shared plan.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it wrong to postpone marriage for financial reasons?
No. Making a decision with economic conditions in mind is a responsible approach. What matters is that the decision is taken with the agreement of both partners and is supported by a concrete plan rather than an open-ended postponement. A postponement that is never talked about can create insecurity in the relationship.
My boyfriend never brings up marriage because of his financial situation. What should I do?
It is important to keep in mind that this subject may be linked for him to feelings of shame and inadequacy. Starting the conversation without blame, with curiosity, and while also expressing your own feelings may work. Saying "I'd like us to plan this together" sends a message of partnership rather than pressure.
How can I respond to relatives' constant questions about marriage?
Preparing a short, clear and polite answer is usually enough. You do not have to give long explanations. If the questions become insistent, changing the subject or gently saying that you do not want to talk about it is a way of setting a boundary.
Will getting married with a simple civil ceremony upset our families?
Some families may feel disappointed at first, because the wedding carries an important meaning for them too. Explaining the reasons for your decision calmly, acknowledging the families' feelings and making them part of the process reduces hurt feelings. Over time, most families come to value their children's happiness and peace of mind more than the size of the wedding.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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