Why does bayram feel so sad abroad? Read about the longing on holidays and special days, the effect on family and ways to celebrate meaningfully from afar.
On the morning of bayram (the Turkish religious holidays), it is an ordinary working day in the city where you live. No one on the bus is exchanging bayram greetings, and no one in the office says "Bayramınız mübarek olsun" (Blessed bayram to you). Messages pour in from Turkey on your phone: a photo of your father coming back from the bayram prayer, the table your mother has laid, a crowded living room where cousins have come to kiss the elders' hands. You make a video call for a few minutes during your lunch break, then go back into a meeting. Bayram abroad is one of the most emotional days of the year for many Turks living overseas. These are days when joy and sadness, closeness and distance are felt all at once, and they bring homesickness back most intensely. In this article we look at why bayrams and special days abroad can feel so heavy, which emotions come up, how they affect family and children, and concrete ways to make bayram meaningful from afar.
Why Is Bayram So Emotional Abroad?
In Turkish culture, bayram is not only a religious or national celebration; it is a powerful ritual that brings the family together, reconciles those who have fallen out, and involves visiting elders and delighting the young. Sweets and treats at Ramazan Bayramı (Eid al-Fitr), sharing and solidarity at Kurban Bayramı (Eid al-Adha), kissing the elders' hands, bayram pocket money, new bayram clothes, crowded tables and visits to relatives are an important part of childhood memories. New Year, birthdays, weddings, kandil nights (holy nights in the Islamic calendar), Mother's Day and Father's Day hold a similar meaning for many families.
Bayram abroad often means meeting this ritual in its "incomplete" form. In psychology, this is explained by concepts such as the anniversary reaction or holiday blues: certain dates revive strong feelings and memories from the past. As bayram approaches, a person feels more sharply how far they are from their loved ones.
These feelings are natural. Feeling sad at bayram is not a sign of weakness or poor adjustment; it is a sign of how attached you are to your roots and the people you love.
Emotional Signs on Bayrams and Special Days
As bayram approaches abroad, or during the bayram days, you may experience the following feelings:
Emotional signs
- Sadness and a bittersweet feeling that begin days before bayram
- An urge to cry when you see family photos or videos
- Guilt: "I can't be with my mum and dad"
- Envy or hurt: "Everyone is together, and I'm here"
- Emptiness and fatigue once the bayram has passed
Thinking-related signs
- Idealising childhood bayrams
- The thought "No bayram will ever be the same again"
- Worries about how many more bayrams you can spend with ageing parents
- The question "Did I do the right thing coming abroad?" coming up again
Behavioural signs
- Ignoring bayram and trying to get through it like any other day
- Staying away from social media and family groups
- Or the opposite: watching the celebrations in Turkey on your phone all day
- Arguing with your partner or family because you cannot go to Turkey for bayram
Physical signs
- Sleep problems
- Changes in appetite
- Weakness and low energy
Experiencing some of these signs is entirely understandable. But if bayrams turn into a heavy period for you every year, and that period lasts for weeks, it may be intertwined with a deeper loneliness or low mood. Our article on homesickness offers a broader framework on this.
The Cultural and Psychological Reasons for Bayram Sadness Abroad
The loss of a collective ritual. In Turkey, bayram is something that you and everyone around you experience at the same time. The streets, the shops, the television and the neighbours all remind you of it. Abroad, this shared atmosphere is missing. Living bayram alone or with a small nuclear family makes it harder to preserve the meaning of the ritual.
Work and school calendars. In many countries, bayrams are not public holidays. Taking leave may not be possible, and children may have to go to school. Spending bayram morning in a work meeting can deepen the conflict of belonging.
Family expectations. Your family in Turkey may ask, "Won't you be coming this bayram either?" Not kissing the elders' hands and not taking part in visits to relatives can feel to some people like "failing in their duty". We covered this topic in detail in our article on guilt when living abroad.
Losses and a changing family. Over the years spent abroad, a grandmother or grandfather passing away, parents ageing and changes within the family can turn bayrams into sad reminders. Knowing that a table you have not sat at for years no longer exists as it once did can create a feeling of grief in itself.
Say a mother living in Vienna has to send her children to school on the morning of bayram. She goes to work herself; at lunch she calls her own mother and hears a crowded table and laughter in the background. When she hangs up, she goes back to her desk and stares blankly at the screen for a few minutes. When she gets home in the evening, she is tired and unmotivated, and gives up on making the dessert she had planned for bayram. The following year, drawing on this experience, she takes a day's leave in advance, writes a short note to the children's school, and meets two Turkish families for dinner. The bayram is still not like it is in Turkey, but it is no longer a "lost day" either.
Being caught between two cultures. The holidays of the country where you live, such as Christmas, may or may not hold meaning for you. Especially in mixed marriages, or in families where children celebrate different holidays at school, the question of which special day to celebrate, and how, can become a point of uncertainty.
The Effect of Bayrams Abroad on Family, Couple Relationships and Children
In the couple relationship. While one partner wants to celebrate bayram with great care, the other may want a simpler day. Questions such as which family to call on bayram, whether to go to Turkey, or how to use the budget can lead to arguments. In mixed marriages, a partner who cannot fully grasp the emotional meaning of bayram can create a feeling of loneliness.
In children. For children growing up abroad, what bayram means depends largely on how their parents let them experience these days. If bayram is remembered only as "the day Mum cried", a child may not form a positive bond with this cultural ritual. On the other hand, a warm, fun and shared bayram experience lets a child build up good memories of their roots. Being able to say to friends at school, "Today is our bayram," can add pride to a child's identity.
In the relationship with family in Turkey. Bayram calls can be both bonding and tiring. Talking to many relatives in a short time, answering the question "When are you coming?" and finding a suitable time because of the time difference can be demanding.
Living bayram from a distance does not mean losing it; you can carry its meaning with you and rebuild it in a new form.
What You Can Do to Make Bayram Meaningful Abroad
1. Accept your feelings in advance
Knowing you may feel sad as bayram approaches protects you from being caught unprepared. Saying "I might feel a bit bittersweet these days, and that's normal" is less tiring than fighting the feeling.
2. Plan ahead
Do not let bayram catch you by surprise. A few weeks beforehand, plan to take leave, talk to the school about the children, and decide whom you will call and how you will spend the day. Uncertainty can deepen sadness; a plan gives direction.
3. Keep the rituals going, even in small ways
Preparing a special breakfast on bayram morning, wearing bayram clothes, making a dessert at home, giving the children pocket money or small gifts, taking the family's bayram photo... Even keeping up not the whole ritual but its most meaningful parts preserves the spirit of bayram.
4. Build your own "bayram family" abroad
You can organise bayram gatherings with Turkish friends, neighbours or associations in the city where you live. Inviting local friends or friends from other cultures can also be a lovely way of sharing bayram. Keeping the culture of hospitality alive abroad strengthens your sense of belonging.
5. Make family calls planned
Taking the time difference into account, agree a call time in advance with your family in Turkey. A short video call when the whole family is together can be more satisfying than being on the phone all day. You can experience exchanging bayram greetings with the elders as a ritual, even if it is through a screen.
6. Remember sharing and helping
Sharing lies at the heart of bayram. Supporting a charity where you live, taking a dessert to a neighbour who lives alone, or helping someone in need can keep the meaning of bayram alive and make you feel good.
7. Make room for the sadness, too
Set aside a short time during the day to remember your childhood bayrams, to pray for the loved ones you have lost, or simply to remember them. Making room for sadness rather than suppressing it can help you get through the rest of the day more lightly.
8. Be compassionate towards yourself
Not every bayram has to be perfect. Some years may be joyful, others quiet and bittersweet. Do not force yourself to celebrate the "right" way. Try to treat yourself with the same understanding you would show a close friend.
9. Prepare for the days after bayram, too
You may feel a sense of emptiness in the days after bayram ends. A small, enjoyable plan for those days, such as meeting a friend or going for a walk in nature, can ease the transition.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Support from a professional can be helpful in the following situations:
- If bayrams and special days turn into an intense low every year
- If you experience sadness, listlessness or hopelessness lasting weeks before and after bayram
- If you lost a loved one while abroad and bayrams deepen that grief again
- If family arguments about bayram are seriously straining your relationships
- If there are marked disruptions in your sleep, appetite and energy
- If the feeling of loneliness has become constant, independent of bayram
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call the emergency number of the country you are in straight away: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.
Mental health services in the country where you live are also a valuable resource. Some people, however, find it easier to speak in their mother tongue, without having to explain the meaning of bayram, kissing the elders' hands, sıla-i rahim (maintaining ties with relatives) or crowded tables. You can see the options on our page on psychological support for Turks living abroad.
How Is Bayram Sadness Abroad Approached in Mother-Tongue Online Therapy?
When working with bayram sadness abroad, an approach based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often used.
Making sense of feelings. The sadness, guilt and longing felt at bayram are addressed together. We talk about what these feelings point to and which values they are tied to.
Examining thoughts. Thoughts such as "If I can't spend bayram with my family, I'm a bad son or daughter" and "I'll never have a happy bayram again" are evaluated, along with the evidence for them and the alternatives.
Planning and behavioural activation. Meaningful, achievable and enjoyable activities are planned together for the bayram period. The aim is not merely to "get through" the day, but to live it in line with your own values.
Working with grief. If bayrams remind you of a loss, the grieving process can be addressed separately. The particular difficulties of grieving from a distance are discussed.
Communication within the family. Communication skills can be worked on for disagreements about bayram with your partner or with your family in Turkey.
Sessions can be arranged as online therapy, planned with the time difference in mind. A quiet, private room, headphones and a secure internet connection are all you need. Payment is made online; pricing in TL and payment with an international card are both possible. It is recommended that you check the insurance terms in the country where you live for reimbursement.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to cry on bayram abroad?
Yes, it is entirely natural. Bayrams bring back powerful memories and family ties. The sadness of being far away shows how attached you are to your loved ones. If the feeling affects you intensely and for a long time, you may want to consider getting support.
How can I help my child love bayram abroad?
Make bayram concrete and fun for the child: bayram clothes, pocket money, making desserts together, exchanging bayram greetings with friends, and video calls with family in Turkey. Explaining in age-appropriate language why bayram is celebrated also gives it meaning.
I can't go to Turkey for bayram. How can I cope with the guilt?
It can help to explain the reasons you cannot go clearly, to yourself and to your family. Ways of showing your love from a distance, such as a planned call or a small gift, keep the bond alive. If the guilt is very intense, it can be addressed in therapy.
Which bayrams should we celebrate in a mixed marriage?
There is no single right answer. Many families choose to celebrate the special days of both cultures. What matters is that partners respect each other's special days and create shared, warm rituals for the children.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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