Is your child having nightmares and afraid to go to sleep? Causes of nightmares, what to do in the moment, rewriting the dream by day and when to seek support.
"Mum, it came again." The middle of the night, a child with a sweaty face and a trembling voice, and a parent jolted out of the deepest part of sleep. The next evening the same child dawdles as bedtime approaches, says "let's sit up a bit longer" and won't let you turn off the light. If in your home too a child having nightmares means that falling asleep turns into a small battle every night, you are not alone. Nightmares are quite common in the preschool and primary school years, and most of the time they are the night-time form of feelings the child is trying to digest during the day. In this article we will talk about what a nightmare is, what you should do on the night itself and what can be done during the day to make nightmares less frequent.
What Is a Nightmare and How Is It Different from a Night Terror?
A nightmare is a vivid and disturbing dream that wakes the child with fear, anxiety or sadness. It usually appears in the second half of the night, towards morning, in the stage of sleep when dreams are most intense. A child who wakes from a nightmare is fully awake within a short time, recognises you, wants a cuddle and can often describe the dream: "A dog was chasing me", "Our house was collapsing".
A night terror is a different picture. The child usually sits bolt upright in bed screaming within the first few hours after falling asleep; even if their eyes are open they don't seem to recognise you, they don't respond to comfort and in the morning they don't remember what happened. It is important to tell these two apart, because the approach is different. With a nightmare, comforting the child works; with a night terror, intervening often prolongs the episode. For detailed information on night terrors, take a look at our article on night terrors.
As a brief reminder:
- In a nightmare the child wakes up, says they are scared, asks for you and remembers the dream.
- In a night terror the child is not awake, may push you away and remembers nothing in the morning.
Child Having Nightmares: The Most Common Causes
Occasional nightmares are an ordinary part of development. Between the ages of three and six, a child's imagination grows rapidly but the ability to separate the real from the imaginary has not yet fully settled. At these ages, monsters, the dark, getting lost and being separated from a parent are common themes of nightmares.
Some factors that make nightmares more frequent are:
Daytime stress and changes: Situations such as starting school or nursery, a new sibling, moving house, parents arguing often or a relative's illness can be carried into dreams at night. Even if the child says nothing about it during the day, their mind keeps working with that feeling at night.
Frightening content: Watching over an older brother's shoulder as he plays a horror game, a creepy character encountered in a short-video feed or footage of an accident seen on the evening news stays in a child's mind much longer than adults expect. Especially after the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, many children who watched footage of the rubble had nightmares about collapsing homes or family members going missing.
Getting obedience through fear: "If you don't sleep, the bogeyman will come", "If you're naughty I'll hand you over to the police", or stories told by older relatives about jinn and the karakoncolos (a goblin of Turkish folklore) directly feed some children's night-time fears. A sentence that is a joke to the person saying it can become a real threat under the bed for the child.
Lack of sleep and irregular sleep: Nightmares can be more frequent in children who are tired and short of sleep. Holiday visits when the family stays up late as guests, or rhythms that fall apart after a trip, are times to watch out for in this respect.
Physical causes: Illnesses with fever and some medicines can make dreams more vivid and disturbing. Situations such as snoring or pauses in breathing during sleep call for an assessment by a paediatrician.
How Do Nightmares Affect a Child's Day?
The effect of nightmares may not be limited to a few minutes of fear at night. In a child who has frequent nightmares, anxiety about sleep itself can develop over time. The child puts off bedtime, doesn't want to be alone in their room and objects to the light being turned off. A child who has only just got used to sleeping in their own room may want to come back to the parents' bed after a few bad nights.
Broken sleep can show up during the day as restlessness, irritability, distractibility and tiredness at school. The picture is exhausting for parents too: sleep that is interrupted every night wears down the patience of a mother and father who have to go to work in the morning, and evenings become tense. A tense evening, in turn, leads the child to go to bed more anxious, and the cycle feeds itself.
If Your Child Is Having Nightmares: What to Do in the Moment
What a child waking from a nightmare needs is to feel with their body that they are safe. The things you can do in that moment are simple but effective.
Go quickly and calmly
If your child has woken up crying or calling for you, go to them. Keep your voice low and your movements slow. Your calm conveys the message "the danger has passed" to the child's nervous system.
Reassure through the body
Hugging, stroking their back or holding their hand works faster than words. Some children are soothed by drinking a glass of water or washing their face; this eases the passage from the dream to reality.
Name the feeling, don't argue about the dream
"You got really scared, your heart is beating fast. I'm here, you're safe." This sentence is far more effective than saying, "There's no such thing as monsters, don't be silly." The middle of the night is not the time to prove how illogical the dream was. If the child wants to tell you about it, listen briefly and leave the detailed conversation for the morning.
Check the room together, but don't overdo it
Some children want to look inside the wardrobe or under the bed. Doing this once, in a calm manner, can be reassuring. But if it turns into long "monster hunts" every night, it can unintentionally strengthen the idea that the monster might exist.
You can stay with them until they fall asleep
Sitting with a child for a while after a nightmare does not mean spoiling them. Staying with them until they calm down and fall asleep again helps them get into bed more confidently the next night.
What You Can Do During the Day: Making the Nightmare Smaller
The real work with nightmares is done during the day, at a sunny hour, in a safe setting.
Draw the dream and change its ending. Ask the child to draw their nightmare. Then suggest they add a new ending to the same picture: the dog that was chasing them can be given a bone, the monster can be given a funny hat, a sturdy house can be drawn next to the one that collapsed. Rehearsing the dream with its new ending for a few days before bed is a child-friendly adaptation of a technique known as imagery rehearsal, which is used in working with nightmares. This exercise gives the child the feeling, "I have some say over what happens in my dreams."
Talk about the fear through play. Preschool children express their feelings through play far more than through words. A game with toy animals about "a frightened little bear and the mother who calms it down" lets the child watch their own night-time experience from the outside.
Review the content. Think about what the child watches, but also the television left on at home and the older sibling's screen. Don't watch the evening news while the child is in the room; short-video apps should not be places young children browse on their own. If there is a broader picture of fear, you can find suggestions for fears of the dark, monsters and being alone in our article on childhood fears.
Calm the hour before sleep. Let the hour before bed be screen-free, with dim lighting and quiet voices. A repeated routine such as a bath, a short story and talking about a nice moment from the day helps the mind slow down. When choosing stories, prefer ones that end peacefully rather than ones where the excitement builds.
Open up space to talk during the day. Some nightmares are a sign of a worry the child cannot put into words. Open-ended questions such as "What's been on your mind most these days?" are more easily answered at dinner or while sitting side by side in the car.
A child who wakes from a nightmare is not looking for an explanation in the dark, but for a calm adult breathing beside them.
Imagine a six-year-old boy who, in the weeks after an earthquake drill, dreams almost every night that their home is collapsing. During the day his family prepare the earthquake emergency bag with him and identify the safe corners of the home together, and then the child draws a rescue team waiting next to the house in his picture of the nightmare. For several weeks they tell "the dream's new ending" together before bed. The nightmares don't end overnight, but their frequency and the intensity of the fear the child feels on waking decrease noticeably.
When a Child Having Nightmares Is Afraid to Sleep: Making Bedtime Easier
For some children the real problem is less the nightmare itself and more the state of waiting for it. A stomach ache starts after dinner, bath time drags on, requests for "one more glass of water" pile up. The child is actually resisting not sleep but what might happen in sleep. In this case, turning bedtime into a ritual of safety helps.
Choose a comfort object. A soft toy, a small pillowcase carrying mum's scent or a "courage stone" given by dad reminds the child that there is a piece of their parent with them through the night. Choosing the object together during the day and giving it a name strengthens the bond.
Be flexible about light. A dim night light or a door left ajar gives most children reassurance without spoiling sleep quality. There is no need to turn sleeping in the dark into a test of courage.
Don't carry worries into bed. During the day you can set aside a short time called "worry time": the child talks about or draws whatever is bothering them and puts the paper in a box. When a worry comes at night, saying "we'll talk about it tomorrow at the worry box" teaches them to postpone the thought.
Let them talk about themselves. Asking about three good moments of the day before bed steers the mind away from fear and towards reassuring memories. School-age children can also write these down in a small notebook.
Look at your own anxiety too. A parent worn out by nightmares may, without realising, be tense and on alert at bedtime: sentences like "I hope you don't wake up tonight" give the child the message that the night is dangerous. Instead, a question that sparks curiosity, such as "What would you like to see in your dream tonight?", changes the meaning of the night. Partners taking turns on night duty also protects the parents' patience.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Occasional nightmares are no cause for concern. In the following situations, however, it can be helpful to talk to a specialist:
- If nightmares occur several times a week and continue for several weeks
- If the child is clearly afraid of sleeping and bedtime turns into a crisis every night
- If the nightmares began after an accident, a loss, an earthquake, witnessing violence or a frightening event, and the child also re-enacts that event over and over in their play during the day
- If intense anxiety, being easily startled, withdrawal, angry outbursts or a marked decline at school are seen during the day
- If the child is regressing in skills they had previously gained, for example toilet control
Recurring nightmares that begin after a traumatic experience may indicate that the experience has not yet been processed. Our article on children's fear of earthquakes may also offer guidance on supporting children after a disaster. These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; however, they do call for an assessment.
How Are Nightmares Addressed in Therapy?
The assessment usually begins with a meeting with the parents. When the nightmares started, how often they occur, their content, what the child goes through during the day and how the family has responded so far are discussed. Often, small but consistent suggestions given to parents change the night-time picture significantly.
In a cognitive behavioural approach, the content of the nightmare is rewritten with school-age children and the new script is rehearsed regularly. The child is taught relaxation skills, how to notice frightening thoughts and self-help sentences such as "This is a dream, I am safe." Gradual steps for working with pre-sleep anxiety can also be added to the plan.
With younger children, play therapy opens up space for the child to express their fear not through words but through play and drawing. In the playroom, the child can shrink the threat from their nightmare, create characters who protect them and regain a sense of control. To learn more about this approach, you can visit our child and play therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do frequent nightmares mean a trauma has occurred?
No, most nightmares are linked to everyday stress, imagination and frightening content. However, if the nightmares started after a particular event and keep repeating the same theme, it may be that the child is struggling to process that event. In that case, talking to a specialist is helpful.
At what age do nightmares decrease?
Nightmares are more frequent in the preschool years and the first years of primary school, and in most children they become less frequent as they grow. Even so, they can increase at any age during stressful periods. As well as frequency, how much the nightmares affect the child's day also matters.
Can food eaten in the evening cause nightmares?
A heavy dinner eaten late can disturb sleep in some children and lead to restless sleep. However, the main source of nightmares is usually not food but feelings and experiences. A light evening meal and a regular bedtime still support sleep.
Should I push a child who doesn't want to talk about their nightmare?
No. Some children think that saying what frightened them will summon it again. You can accept drawing, telling it through play or simply saying "it was a scary dream". Rather than pressing them, it is enough for them to know they can share it with you when they are ready.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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