Why can dating abroad be confusing? Read about relationship expectations in different cultures, family pressure and ways to build a healthy relationship.
You have met the person you matched with on a dating app three times. While you are wondering, "Are we a couple now?", they are still saying, "We're getting to know each other." You were unsure who should pay the bill; introducing your family would be a huge step for you, while for them it is just an ordinary Sunday lunch. You find some of their behaviour too cold and some of it too casual. Your friends in Turkey say, "Then they're not serious", while your friends in the country where you live say, "That's how it is here, don't rush." Dating abroad can be as confusing as it is exciting for many Turkish people. That is because our expectations of relationships are often shaped, without our noticing, by the culture we grew up in. In this article, we look at how dating and relationship expectations can differ between cultures, the inner conflicts people often face, the effect of family pressure, and concrete ways of building healthy relationships that suit you.
Why Does Dating Abroad Feel Different?
Dating may seem like something that happens only between two people, but it is actually surrounded by cultural rules. Who makes the first move, how often you text, when a relationship counts as "official", when and how the family gets involved, the pace of physical closeness, and views on marriage and living together can vary from culture to culture, and even from family to family within the same country.
For someone who grew up in Turkey, some rules seem "natural" and "known to everyone". In some circles, for example, the family is expected to find out at a certain point in the relationship, to discuss whether the relationship is heading towards marriage, or for the man to pay the bill. In the country where you live, people may stay in the "getting to know each other" stage for longer, may consider it normal to date more than one person at the same time, may split the bill, or may treat the relationship as a space separate from their families.
These differences do not make any culture better or worse. But when expectations are not discussed openly, the two sides can attach very different meanings to the same behaviour. This can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings and the sense that "I don't know the rules of this game".
Besides, the situation is different in every country and for every individual. The examples in this article are not generalisations but pointers to situations you may come across.
Signs of Inner Conflict When Dating in a Different Culture
Emotional signs
- Intense uncertainty and anxiety after dates
- A feeling of rejection or worthlessness
- Guilt: "What would my family say if they knew?"
- Feeling caught between two different sets of expectations
Cognitive signs
- Generalisations such as "Nobody here wants a serious relationship"
- Judgements such as "I'm too old-fashioned" or "They're too casual"
- Constantly interpreting the other person's behaviour according to your own cultural rules
- Uncertainty about your own values: "What do I actually want?"
Behavioural signs
- Hiding the relationship from your family and the Turkish community
- Doing things that do not fit your values in order to be accepted
- Or, conversely, avoiding dating altogether
- Collecting contradictory advice about the same person from friends in Turkey and friends abroad
These signs may show that you are in a period of cultural transition and need to redefine your own values.
Cultural Reasons That Shape Dating Abroad
Individualism and family orientation. In some societies, relationships are seen largely as a matter between two individuals. In Turkish culture, relationships, especially as they become serious, can become a matter for both families. Different expectations can arise between someone who says, "My family's approval matters to me" and someone who says, "My family doesn't get involved in my relationship."
Gender roles. Things like who makes the first move, who pays, and who puts in more emotional labour can vary across cultures. A man who grew up in Turkey may find splitting the bill strange; a woman may find a more egalitarian relationship dynamic in the country where she lives a relief. This change is liberating for some and confusing for others.
The pace and definition of the relationship. In some cultures, a long time can pass without the question "Are we together?" being asked openly. In Turkey, defining the relationship may come up earlier. This difference can create pressure for one side and uncertainty for the other.
Physical closeness and privacy. The concepts of "ayıp" (improper) and shame can affect how a person feels about physical closeness. Even if the norms in the country where you live are more relaxed, you have the right to move at a pace that fits your own values. In the same way, you also have the right to make choices that differ from your culture.
Religion and values. Religious beliefs can influence views on relationships before marriage, on alcohol, or on how children are raised. Not talking about these topics at the start of a relationship can lead to serious disagreements later. Our article on religious and cultural values offers a broader perspective on this.
What being second generation brings. Young people who are born and raised abroad grow up with Turkish culture at home and the rules of the country they live in outside. While their friends date freely, they may be wary of their families or feel they have to hide their relationships. This double life can create anxiety and loneliness.
Imagine a woman in her late twenties who has moved to Stockholm for work and has been seeing a Swedish man for a few months. She thinks the relationship is serious, but her partner has not yet introduced her to his family and they have never talked about the future. She reads this as "He doesn't take me seriously" and withdraws. One evening she plucks up the courage and asks openly; her partner is surprised: for him the relationship is already serious, he just doesn't see meeting the family as such a significant threshold. Two people looking at the same relationship are travelling with different cultural maps. An open conversation makes both sides' expectations visible.
The Impact of Dating and Relationships on Family Ties
Family pressure. Family in Turkey or abroad may expect the partner to be Turkish, or to come from a particular religion or background. This expectation can lead a person to hide their relationship or to feel they must choose between family and partner.
Secret relationships. Hiding the relationship from the family may prevent conflict in the short term, but in the long term it can create intense stress, guilt and disconnection. The partner, too, may feel worthless or like someone who is being hidden.
The future of intercultural relationships. When a relationship becomes serious, questions come up about the wedding ceremony, the children's language and religious education, where to live, and relationships with the families. We covered these topics in detail in our article on intercultural marriage.
Worry about gossip in the Turkish community. When the Turkish community in the city where you live is small and close-knit, the worry of "What if people find out?" can make it hard to date freely.
A healthy relationship is a space where you can live in line with your own values without having to choose between two cultures.
What You Can Do for Healthy Dating Abroad
1. Clarify your own values
Write three headings on a piece of paper: "What I can't compromise on", "What I can be flexible about" and "What I really don't care about". Place topics such as religion, wanting children, relationship with family, alcohol use and which country to live in under these headings. This list should reflect your values, not those of your family or your circle.
2. Talk about your expectations openly
Instead of making assumptions, ask: "Where is this relationship going for you?", "Are we seeing each other exclusively, or are you seeing other people too?", "What does meeting our families mean to you?" These questions may feel odd at first, but they prevent hurt later on.
3. Explore cultural differences with curiosity
When something the other person does seems strange to you, instead of taking it personally straight away, ask: "What does this mean in your culture?" In the same way, share your own culture: concepts such as religious festivals, family visits, hospitality and kissing the elders' hands may be new to your partner.
4. Set your own pace
Neither the norms of the country you live in nor your family's expectations have to set your pace. You do not have to take steps you do not feel ready for when it comes to physical closeness, living together or marriage. State your boundaries in clear, calm language.
5. Do not take rejection personally
A date not going any further does not mean you are inadequate. Especially when dating in a foreign language, you may feel that your humour, warmth or personality does not fully come across, and this can make rejection feel more personal. There may be different expectations, different timing, or simply incompatibility. You can see each experience as a chance to get to know yourself and what you want better.
6. Pay attention to your safety
When you meet people through dating apps, hold first dates in busy, public places and let a friend know where you are. Do not ignore disturbing, pushy or controlling behaviour.
7. Plan the conversation with your family
If your relationship is becoming serious and you want your family to know, do not rush this conversation. Think in advance about your family's possible concerns, try speaking first to a supportive family member, and give your family time.
8. Build a supportive circle
Friends who understand both Turkish culture and the culture of the country you live in are valuable people with whom you can share your experiences. Talking with people who have been through similar processes helps you feel that you are not alone.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Support from a specialist can be helpful in these situations:
- If you experience intense anxiety, shame or guilt about dating and relationships
- If you have felt caught between your family and your partner for a long time
- If you have to hide your relationships constantly and this is wearing you out
- If you avoid forming relationships altogether because of a fear of rejection
- If you keep running into similar problems in relationships
- If you are experiencing control, threats, humiliation or violence in a relationship
If you are in a situation involving violence or threats, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, call the emergency number of the country you are in straight away: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local support services are necessary.
Mental health and counselling services in the country where you live are also valuable resources. Some people find it easier to talk about family, "ayıp", shame and privacy in their native language, without having to explain the cultural context. You can see the options on the page on psychological support for Turks living abroad.
How Are Dating Abroad and Relationship Difficulties Approached in Online Therapy in Your Native Language?
Difficulties with dating and relationship expectations can be addressed in individual therapy and, if the relationship has become serious, within couples therapy. An approach based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often used.
Exploring values and identity. A person living between two cultures is supported in telling their own values apart from the expectations of their family and surroundings. The aim is not to steer you towards one side but to help you make your own choices more consciously.
Examining thoughts. Thoughts such as "If my family finds out about this relationship, everything is over" and "Nobody here will take me seriously" are weighed up along with the evidence for them.
Working with shame and guilt. Feelings about privacy, "ayıp" and family honour are discussed without judgement.
Communication skills. Skills work is done on expressing expectations clearly, setting boundaries and having difficult conversations with the family.
Attachment patterns. Recurring patterns in relationships, such as anxious or distant attachment, can be explored within the framework of attachment styles.
Sessions are held online and can be planned with the time difference in mind. A quiet, private room, headphones and a secure internet connection are enough. Payment is made online; pricing in TL and payment with an international card are possible. For insurance reimbursement, it is advisable to check the insurance terms in the country where you live.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do I have to give up my own values when dating abroad?
No. You have the right to build relationships that fit your values. You also have the right to rethink and change some of your values. What matters is that you make your decisions of your own free will, not under pressure.
How can I understand my partner's cultural differences?
Curiosity and open questions are the best starting point. Instead of making assumptions, ask what behaviours mean to them, and share your own culture too. Over time, you can develop a shared "relationship language".
What should I do if my family does not accept my relationship with someone from a different culture?
Listening to your family's concerns, expressing your own decisions in calm language and giving them time can help. If the process is very difficult and you feel stuck, individual therapy can be supportive.
Can dating anxiety be reduced through therapy?
For many people, therapy can help in understanding and managing dating anxiety. Working on fear of rejection, social anxiety and negative thinking patterns can make it easier to approach relationships more comfortably.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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