Values Conflict: Between Your Family's Values and the Norms of the Society You Live In

Why is it so hard to be caught between family values and host-country norms? Tips for coping with a values conflict and finding your own path abroad.

At some point in their lives, many Turks living abroad ask themselves this question: "Where do I stand between what my family taught me and what I see around me here?" Sometimes this question comes up at a business dinner, sometimes at a school meeting, sometimes while preparing for a wedding, and sometimes in a simple question your child asks. A values conflict is the feeling of being caught between the values of the family and culture a person grew up in and the norms of the society they live in. In this article we look at what a values conflict is, how it feels, how it affects family relationships and the steps a person can take to build a life in line with their own values. Our aim is not to declare any value system right or wrong, but to understand the inner world of the person experiencing this tension and to help them.

What Is a Values Conflict? How Is It Experienced Abroad?

Values are our beliefs about what is important, right and meaningful. Concepts such as family ties, honesty, respect, faith, freedom, achievement, generosity and privacy are all values. We take our values largely from our family, our environment and our culture. Norms, on the other hand, are the patterns of behaviour regarded as "normal" in a society.

A person who has migrated, or grown up in an immigrant family, lives alongside different values and norms. For example:

• In the family, following the decisions of elders may be seen as important, while in society individuals may be encouraged to make their own decisions.
• At home, not talking about family matters outside may be a value, while at school or at work you may be expected to talk openly about feelings.
• Faith and worship may be at the centre of life for the family, while in the person's surroundings faith may be seen as more of an individual matter.
• The family's expectations about marriage and starting a family may differ from the common choices among the people around you.
• Ideas of hospitality, neighbourliness and mutual help may be lived out in different ways.

A values conflict is not only experienced between "family and society". Often it is experienced within the person. They both love and embrace their family's values and adopt some of the norms of the society they live in. Sometimes these two sides sit together without trouble; at other times they make the person feel as if they have to choose.

This tension can be seen in very different people, from the first generation to the second, from students to white-collar professionals who have just moved, from those in mixed marriages to religious and non-religious individuals. The content is different for everyone; the common point is the feeling of being caught between two worlds.

Signs of a Values Conflict: Tension Felt Inside

A values conflict is often experienced silently. Even if a person cannot name it, they may notice the following feelings and behaviours:

• Guilt: Feeling intense guilt when doing something the family would not approve of, or conversely feeling "backward" when not meeting the expectations of the society they live in
• Shame: Feeling ashamed of your own origins or way of life and a need to hide it
• Living two lives: Being one person around the family and another around friends or colleagues
• Being unable to decide: Staying undecided for a long time over important decisions (marriage, career, moving, raising children)
• Fatigue: Mental tiredness from constantly thinking "What should I say in front of whom?"
• Anger: Resentment and anger building up towards the family or society
• Alienation: The feeling "I belong neither there nor here"
• Physical symptoms: Tension, sleeplessness and stomach complaints before important family gatherings or religious holidays

These feelings do not mean that you are "the problem". They are understandable reactions that people living between two different value systems often experience. We looked at the identity dimension of this subject in more detail in the article on identity between two cultures.

Why Can a Values Conflict Be So Exhausting?

Being caught between love and independence. For many people, questioning family values feels like disloyalty to the family. Being squeezed between "I don't want to upset my mother" and "I want to live my own life" is one of the psychologically most demanding situations.

The community's eye. Turkish communities abroad are sometimes small and close-knit. The thought that a person's choices will affect not only themselves but their family too can increase the worry of "what will people say".

Invisibility or prejudice in the society you live in. A person may sometimes feel misunderstood, or met with prejudice, in the society they live in because of their own values. This may lead them to cling more tightly to their values or, conversely, to hide them. Both reactions are understandable, but both can increase inner tension.

A changing Turkey. People living abroad are sometimes surprised to see that Turkey has changed too, and that relatives living there live by different values. A person may face the question "What was it that I was trying to preserve, actually?"

Life milestones. A values conflict usually intensifies at times such as marriage, having children, children entering adolescence, the death of a loved one or a career change. These periods require a person to face their values again.

In a values conflict, the aim is often not to choose a side but to notice which values are truly meaningful to you and to find a way to live in harmony with them.

Effects on Family, Marriage and Children

Between parents and adult children. As adult children build their own lifestyles, the difference between them and their parents can become visible. If this difference is not talked about, the relationship may remain superficial; if it is talked about, an argument may break out. Many families live with a careful silence around unspoken topics.

In marriage. Spouses may have different values, especially if one has recently arrived from Turkey and the other grew up abroad, or if it is a mixed marriage. Matters such as the children's education, how religious holidays are celebrated, faith practices and relationships with relatives can be sources of disagreement. We also covered this in the article on mixed marriage.

In raising children. Parents may struggle with which values to pass on to their children and how. When what is learned at school conflicts with what is said at home, the child may feel confused. Values that the parent has not clarified for themselves can reach the child as inconsistent messages.

Imagine a woman in her thirties, born and raised abroad, trying to decide which school to send her child to. Her mother wants an environment that places importance on traditional values, while she wants her child to grow up with friends from different cultures. Her husband is undecided. The subject comes up at every family visit, and each time the woman feels like both a "bad daughter" and an "indecisive mother". This picture is a good example of how exhausting a values conflict can be in daily life. What is needed here is often not to find the right answer but to clarify her own values and express them to her mother respectfully yet openly.

The parent's own inner conflict. A values conflict is not something only young people experience. Many first-generation parents also notice that some of their views have changed over the years. For example, a father who quietly supports his daughter going to another city for university may be unable to say so openly because he fears his relatives' reaction. In this case the parent too is caught between two inner voices. Seeing that everyone in the family carries this tension in different ways can reduce blame and increase understanding.

What You Can Do to Cope with a Values Conflict

1. Write down your values. Write the five values that matter most to you on a piece of paper. Then next to each one note who you learned it from and what it means to you today. Sometimes you realise that you can keep the essence of a value while changing how you live it out. For example, the value of "respect for family" does not have to mean getting the family's approval for every decision; keeping them informed about your decisions and valuing their views is also a form of respect.

2. Notice "all-or-nothing" thinking. Thoughts such as "Either I live entirely as my family wants or I cut myself off from them" box you in. There are often middle paths. It can be a relief to work out in which matters you can be flexible and in which you need to stand firm.

3. Communicate respectfully but openly. When talking to your family, you can express your own preference without belittling their values: "I know how important this is to you. I think differently about this, and I can see that it upsets you."

4. Don't try to resolve every issue at once. Conversations about values take time. Rather than trying to settle everything at a holiday table or on one phone call, it is healthier to spread topics out over time.

5. Connect with people who have had similar experiences. Talking to other people who live between two cultures makes you feel you are not alone. Associations, student communities, parent groups or circles of friends are valuable in this respect.

6. Think about the difference between guilt and responsibility. You are not responsible for every feeling your family has. Taking care not to hurt them is up to you; but their being upset when you make a different choice does not mean you are a bad person.

7. Give yourself time. Values take shape over time. On something you are unsure about today, you may be clearer tomorrow. Indecision is not always a weakness; it is part of thinking.

8. Talk about values with your children. Explaining values to children not only as rules but with the reasons behind them helps them form their own values too. The sentence "In our family we do it this way, because..." is far stronger than "That's just how it's done".

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Reflecting on values, questioning them and struggling from time to time are a natural part of life. However, professional support may be helpful in the following situations:

• If guilt, shame or indecision clearly affects your daily life
• If your relationship with your family has reached breaking point or there is constant conflict
• If you have been living "two lives" for a long time and feel intense anxiety because of it
• If differences in values in your marriage keep leading to arguments
• If there are persistent changes in your sleep, appetite, energy and mood
• If you feel under threat or pressure

If you are experiencing threats, violence or coercion within the family, your safety comes first. In such situations, and when you have thoughts of harming yourself, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of severe risk, local emergency services and local support services are necessary.

How Do We Work in Mother-Tongue Online Therapy?

For a person experiencing a values conflict, feeling understood is very important. The emotional weight of concepts such as "ayıp" (shame or impropriety), "hayırlı evlat" (a dutiful, good child), "gelin" (daughter-in-law or bride), "hürmet" (deep respect) and "elalem" (other people, what outsiders think) can be lost or misunderstood when translated into another language. Working with a therapist who speaks your mother tongue and knows the cultural context can help a person spend the energy they would have used explaining these concepts on understanding their own inner world instead. For detailed information, you can look at the Turks living abroad page.

In therapy, the aim is not to tell a person which values to choose. The therapist does not regard any faith, lifestyle or culture as superior; they respect the client's own values. In a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) based approach, the following areas can be worked on:

• Clarifying values: The person noticing which values are truly important to them
• Thought patterns: Realistically evaluating thoughts such as "If I upset my family, I'm a bad person" and "If I make my own choices, I'll lose everyone"
• Working with guilt and shame: Understanding the source of these feelings and building a more compassionate relationship with them
• Communication skills: Setting boundaries respectfully but clearly, and preparing for difficult conversations
• Decision-making: Calmly weighing the options and possible outcomes in important decisions

For online sessions, a place at home where no one can overhear and headphones are especially important when talking about family-related matters. A session time that suits the time difference can be arranged; payment can be made online. You should check the terms for insurance reimbursement in the country where you live. For how online sessions work, you can look at the online therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Will the therapist respect my faith or lifestyle?

The basic principle in psychotherapy is to respect the client's values and beliefs. The therapist's job is not to steer you in one direction but to help you clarify your own values and live in line with them.

Is questioning my family's values a betrayal of them?

Questioning does not mean rejecting values. Many people, after questioning, hold on to some values more consciously. Questioning can be a way of making values truly your own.

My partner and I have different values. Can our relationship work?

Differences in values exist in every relationship. What matters is that the differences can be talked about and a shared way forward can be found. If you are struggling with this process, couples therapy can provide a setting in which both sides feel heard.

How do I decide which values to pass on to my children?

It helps to clarify your own values first. Passing values on to children not only through rules but by example and by explaining the reasons behind them tends to last longer. Accepting that your child will form their own values as they grow up is also part of this process.

• #values conflict
• #cultural values
• #faith
• #identity
• #life abroad

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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