Children Who Experience Exclusion and Discrimination at School

What are the signs of discrimination at school and what should parents do? A step-by-step support and communication guide for Turkish parents abroad.

"Nobody played with me today." "They said my name wrong and laughed." "The teacher always makes me sit at the back." When Turkish families living abroad hear sentences like these from their children, they feel both sad and unsure what to do. Discrimination at school is when a child is excluded, mocked or treated differently because of their origin, language, name, religion, appearance or family background. These experiences can sometimes be open and sometimes very subtle, but their effect on a child's sense of self and school life should not be underestimated. In this article we look at the signs, the causes and the concrete steps families can take.

What Is Discrimination at School and What Does It Look Like?

Discrimination does not always take the form of insults said out loud. The experiences children meet at school can take different forms:

• Verbal: Jokes about origin, nicknames, remarks like "Go back to your own country", mimicking an accent.
• Social exclusion: Not being included in games, being systematically left off birthday invitations, being left alone in group work.
• Implicit messages: A child's name being constantly mispronounced and not corrected, cultural holidays or foods being belittled.
• Differing expectations: Lower achievement being expected of the child, or being steered towards programmes that do not match their abilities.
• Digital: Not being added to messaging groups, mocking posts on social media.

You can also look at our article on peer bullying for the general features of bullying and what families can do. Discrimination, unlike bullying, targets a part of the child's identity. That is why a child may think not just "I was treated badly" but "I was treated badly because of who I am and who my family is."

Is Your Child Being Excluded at School? Signs to Watch For

Children do not always tell you directly what they are going through. They feel ashamed, do not want to upset their family, or cannot find the words to describe what they are experiencing. The following signs may need attention:

• Physical complaints such as stomach ache or headache in the mornings, not wanting to go to school,
• Avoiding talking about school or giving very short answers,
• Friends' names disappearing from conversation, saying they spend break times alone,
• Trying to hide their name, Turkish or their family's culture; questions such as "Can we change my name?",
• A sudden drop in school achievement,
• Angry outbursts at home, harshness towards siblings, or on the contrary withdrawal,
• Sleep problems, nightmares, changes in appetite,
• Statements that devalue themselves such as "I'm bad" and "Nobody likes me".

These signs can have other causes and do not in themselves amount to a diagnosis. But if several of them are seen together and have lasted a while, the time may have come to have a calm conversation with your child.

Why Does Discrimination at School Happen? The Psychological and Cultural Context

The source of discrimination is generally unfamiliarity, prejudice and group belonging. Children can repeat, without realising it, generalisations they have heard from adults. In the school setting, an "us and them" divide can become pronounced, especially at ages when group identities gain importance. This is not a feature of a particular society or country; it is human behaviour that can be seen between different groups in many parts of the world. Many schools also run conscious policies and programmes on this subject.

For Turkish families, certain cultural factors can make it harder for a child to share what they are experiencing:

• A "keep quiet, don't make trouble" approach: Some parents, as immigrants, are wary of drawing attention and tell their child, "Forget it, stay out of it." This can give the child the message that what they are going through is unimportant.
• The expectation of being strong: Boys in particular may be given advice such as "Real men don't cry, hit back." This distances the child from their feelings and can also get them into trouble at school.
• Language barrier: When a parent does not know the school's language well enough, talking to the teacher becomes difficult; the child may therefore think that telling them what happened will not help.
• Shame: Saying "Our child is being excluded" can feel shameful to some families. Yet what is shameful is not being excluded but excluding.

What a child needs most is an adult who, when they describe the injustice they have experienced, says: "I believe you and I'm on your side."

The Impact of Discrimination on the Child and the Family

Repeated experiences of exclusion can deeply affect how a child sees themselves. The child may begin to think, "There's something wrong with me." Over time the following can emerge:

• Anxiety, fear of school and avoidance of social settings,
• Shame towards their own culture and family, a wish to hide their Turkish identity,
• A drop in school achievement and reduced motivation to learn,
• A build-up of anger and a sense of injustice,
• A weakened sense of belonging: "I don't belong anywhere."

The family is affected by this process too. A parent may come face to face with memories of discrimination in their own migration experience and feel helpless and angry. Say a mother learns that her daughter is constantly left alone in class. Because she had similar experiences in her own youth, she wants to go straight to the school and have a heated argument; the father, on the other hand, suggests waiting, saying "It'll sort itself out." While tension grows between the parents, the girl decides she is upsetting her family and will no longer tell them anything. This example shows how important a calm and shared family plan is.

Siblings can be affected too. The child who experiences discrimination at school may take their anger out on a sibling at home, or a younger sibling may hear what an older sister or brother went through and become afraid of starting school. For this reason it is important to talk about the subject within the family in age-appropriate language, leaving room for everyone's questions.

For a broader look at the psychological effects of discrimination on adults, you can read our article on racism and mental health.

How Can You Support a Child Who Experiences Discrimination at School? Step by Step

1. Listen and Believe

When your child tells you something, listen first rather than immediately offering solutions or saying "Maybe you misunderstood." Sentences like "That must have upset you a lot. Thank you for telling me" make it easier for your child to come to you again.

2. Make Notes of the Details

What happened, when, where, who was there, who said what? Write the events down as short notes in date order. These notes help you use concrete and calm language when talking to the school.

3. Work with the School

• First make an appointment with the class teacher or the school counsellor.
• Use solution-focused rather than accusatory language: "What can we do together so that my child feels safe at school?"
• If you do not know the school's language well enough, ask whether interpreter support is available, or go with an adult you trust. Try not to put this task on your child.
• Find out the school's policy on discrimination and bullying, and confirm in writing the steps agreed in the meeting.
• Set a date to meet again after a few weeks.

4. Strengthen the Child's Self-Esteem

• Explore the good sides of Turkish culture with your child: family stories, food, music, holidays.
• Make your child's abilities and strengths visible.
• Tell the meaning and story of their name; make them feel that the name is not a source of shame but an inheritance.

5. Create Spaces for Friendship Outside School

Sports clubs, music and art classes, library events or gatherings of Turkish families offer settings where the child is accepted outside school. Even one or two close friends can noticeably increase a child's resilience. Inviting a classmate to your home to play can also be a small but effective way of softening relationships at school.

6. Practise Coping Phrases

You can prepare short, calm responses together with your child: "This is how my name is pronounced." "That's not nice." "If you don't stop, I'll tell the teacher." Acting these phrases out at home like a game helps the child not freeze in a difficult moment.

7. Manage Your Own Feelings

It is entirely understandable that you feel anger and sadness. However, reacting excessively in front of your child may stop them from telling you next time. Sharing your feelings with your partner, a friend or a professional lets you support your child more calmly.

8. Talk in an Age-Appropriate Way

With pre-school children and in the early years of primary school, short, concrete sentences and acting out with toys work better: "How did the teddy feel when he wasn't included in the game, and what can he do?" With older children, you can talk about what prejudice is and why people sometimes fear what they do not know. These conversations help the child see what they have experienced not as a personal flaw but as someone else's wrong behaviour. With teenagers, asking for the young person's views on how to handle what has happened together protects their sense of control.

9. Look at the Digital Environment Too

Discrimination at school is sometimes not limited to school hours; it can move into messaging groups and social media. Talk with your child, without judging, about what they experience online. Keeping screenshots of upsetting messages and using blocking and reporting options together when needed also helps you present concrete information when talking to the school.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

In the following situations, seeking support from a professional should be considered alongside cooperation with the school:

• If the child has not wanted to go to school for a long time, or school refusal has become marked,
• If anxiety, unhappiness, sleep problems or physical complaints have lasted for weeks,
• If the child feels marked shame about their identity, name or family,
• If angry outbursts or withdrawal are affecting daily life,
• If nothing changes despite meetings with the school,
• If the child talks about harming themselves or not wanting to live.

The last item is an emergency. In this case, without delay, call the emergency number of the country you are in (112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia) or go to the nearest emergency department. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service. The school psychologist, paediatrician and local child mental health services in the country where you live are also important sources of support in this process.

How Does Online Therapy in Your Native Language Work?

Sessions in the native language with children who experience discrimination at school, and with their families, can cover both the child's emotional needs and the parent's own experiences. A parent being able to speak Turkish makes it easier to talk about their own migration story, feelings of shame and anger, or the "Forget it" messages from older family members, without having to explain them. This support does not replace the school or local services in the country where you live; it can run alongside them.

The following methods can be used in the work:

• Assessment: The child's school experience, the signs, communication within the family and meetings with the school are reviewed together.
• Play and drawing: With younger children, space is opened for them to express what they have experienced through play therapy techniques and drawing. You can find information on this on our child and play therapy page.
• CBT-based skills: With older children, thoughts such as "There's something wrong with me" are noticed and more balanced thoughts are developed; skills for coping with anxiety and expressing themselves are practised.
• Parent counselling: How to communicate with the school, how to listen to the child and steps to strengthen self-esteem at home are planned together.

A quiet, private space, headphones and a secure connection are enough for online sessions. Suitable times can be chosen taking time differences and school hours into account. Payment is made online and payment by international card is possible; we recommend checking insurance terms in the country where you live. For other articles aimed at families living abroad, you can visit our page for Turks living abroad.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I tell discrimination from an ordinary childhood quarrel?

Ordinary arguments are usually mutual and short-lived. In discrimination, a part of the child's identity, such as their origin, language, name or religion, is targeted, and the behaviour is repeated. If you are not sure, listening to your child and talking to the teacher helps clarify the situation.

Should I tell my child to hit back?

Hitting back physically can leave the child facing disciplinary problems and put their safety at risk. Teaching them instead to use calm, clear sentences, to walk away and to tell an adult they trust is more protective.

What can I do if the school does not take the situation seriously?

Keep recording meetings and incidents in writing, and request a meeting with the school leadership or the bodies the school answers to. It can also be useful to look into whether there are advice services for parents or discrimination support bodies in the country where you live.

Should my child change schools?

Changing schools can be an option in some cases, but it is often not the first step. Cooperation with the school should be tried first, and the child's view should be sought. If a change is being considered, the child's adjustment to the new setting should also be planned together.

• #child living abroad
• #exclusion
• #school adjustment
• #child mental health

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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