Divorce abroad is an exhausting process lived far from family and between two legal systems. Read about the emotional toll, protecting children and support.
Divorce is hard wherever it happens. But going through a divorce in a city thousands of kilometres from Turkey, where your mother cannot bring you a bowl of soup and your sister cannot knock on your door, adds a whole other set of layers. Talking to a lawyer in a foreign language, trying to understand how the rules of two countries will work, lying awake over the question of which country the children will live in, and carrying all of this, much of the time, on your own... Divorce abroad can be a crisis that is lived on an emotional, a practical and an identity level all at once. In this article we look at the psychological burden of divorce abroad, its effect on children, cultural pressures, and how you can support yourself and your children through the process. This article does not contain legal information or advice; on legal matters you must take advice from a qualified lawyer in the country where you live and, if necessary, in Turkey.
Why Can Divorce Abroad Feel Heavier?
In psychology, divorce is counted among the most stressful life events. The end of a relationship means the end of a shared life, of plans for the future and, often, of an identity. Abroad, extra burdens are piled onto this process:
- The absence of a support network: Someone divorcing in Turkey can usually return to their family and draw support from friends. Abroad, this network is often far away. For some people, the social circle in the country where they live is largely shared with the former partner, so that circle may fall apart along with the marriage.
- Legal uncertainty: Questions such as which country's law will apply, how decisions will be recognised in the other country, custody and the child's country of residence can be complicated. This uncertainty increases the anxiety of the process.
- The language barrier: Following legal, financial and official procedures in a foreign language can create a sense of lost control and helplessness.
- Residence and financial worries: In some cases, a person's right of residence, job or housing in the country where they live may be tied to the marriage. Uncertainty about this gives rise to the worry "Will I be able to stay here?" For definite information on such matters, you need to consult the relevant authorities and a lawyer.
- Stay or go back? Divorce often brings this question up again, and far more urgently. If there are children, the question becomes even more complicated.
Common Feelings During a Divorce Abroad
The divorce process involves shifting emotions, much like a process of grief. None of these feelings is "wrong".
Grief and loss
Even if you wanted the divorce yourself, it is natural to grieve what has been lost: the life built together, the picture of the family, dreams of the future, shared friendships. Abroad, the grief of the losses experienced through migration can be added to this grief. If you would like to read in more detail about the emotional weight of separation, you can take a look at our article on the pain of separation.
Anger and resentment
Feelings of being cheated on, betrayed or wronged, or resentments built up over years, can come out as intense anger during the divorce process. Anger is a natural emotion; but when it is expressed in an uncontrolled way in front of the children or in legal proceedings, it can do harm.
Anxiety and uncertainty
Questions such as "Where will I live?", "How will I make ends meet?", "How much time will I be able to spend with my children?" and "What will my family in Turkey say?" can keep the mind constantly occupied.
Shame and a sense of failure
In Turkish culture, especially in some families and communities, divorce can still be seen as a "failure" or something shameful. This view can lead a person to blame themselves and avoid asking for help.
Loneliness
In an empty home after a divorce, especially on the days the children are with the other parent, the feeling of loneliness can be very intense. Abroad, this loneliness can turn into the feeling of "I am alone in the world".
Signs to watch for
- Intense low mood, hopelessness or emptiness lasting for weeks
- Serious disruption to sleep and appetite
- Being unable to go to work or fulfil daily responsibilities
- Turning more and more to alcohol or other substances
- Thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life
Cultural Pressures and the Reaction of Family in Turkey
The "put up with it for the children" pressure: In many Turkish families, continuing an unhappy marriage "for the children" can be seen as a virtue. A person who decides to divorce may feel pressure or blame from their family in this direction.
Extra pressures on women: Divorced women may be judged more harshly in some circles and may be subjected to the label of "widow" or "divorced woman". Within the small Turkish communities abroad, fear of gossip can lead a person to cut their ties with the community.
Pressures on men: Divorced men, for their part, may find it hard to express their feelings. The mould of "real men don't cry" can lead to grief being suppressed and expressed through anger, overwork or alcohol.
Two families getting involved: Families in Turkey may get involved in the divorce by phone, through visits or by giving advice. Even when well meant, such interventions can make it harder for a person to make their own decisions.
The "come home" call: The family may ask the person to return to Turkey immediately after the divorce. But the situation of the children, work, residence and legal circumstances can make this decision complicated. It is important to make such a big decision not in the middle of intense emotions, but by gathering information and giving yourself time.
Divorce Abroad and Children
For children, their parents' separation can mean that the foundations of their world are shaken. For children living abroad, extra questions arise: Which country will I live in? How often will I see my dad or mum? What will happen to my relationship with my grandma and grandpa in Turkey?
Children's reactions by age: In young children, sleep problems, bedwetting, separation anxiety and tantrums may appear. In school-age children, there may be sadness, self-blame and a drop in school performance. In teenagers, anger, withdrawal or an intense reaction against one of the parents may emerge.
Basic principles for protecting children:
- Explain the divorce to the child in simple, honest, age-appropriate language, with both parents together if possible. Our article on how to explain divorce to a child offers detailed guidance on this.
- Give the message "This is not your fault" clearly and repeatedly.
- Avoid making the child a messenger, interpreter or side-taker between the parents.
- Do not speak negatively about the other parent in front of the child.
- Preserve the fixed points in the child's life, such as school, friends and daily routine, as far as possible.
- If it matters to you that the bond with Turkish and Turkish culture continues, support it in a way that does not damage the child's relationship with the other parent.
If you see long-lasting behaviour changes, school problems or intense anxiety in your child, it may be helpful to get support from a child mental health professional. For information about working with children, you can look at our page on child and play therapy.
How Can You Support Yourself During a Divorce Abroad?
- Get legal information from the right source. Rather than internet forums or the experiences of acquaintances, get advice from a lawyer who works in family law in the country where you live. If there are matters relating to Turkey, you may need to consult a lawyer in Turkey too. Accurate information reduces the anxiety of uncertainty.
- Separate emotional decisions from practical ones. Try not to make important legal and financial decisions at moments when you are angry or very sad. Wait a day and talk to someone you trust.
- Make a support list. List three to five people, in the country where you live and in Turkey, whom you could call in difficult moments. Knowing whom to call in a crisis is reassuring.
- Keep your daily routine. Sleep, nutrition, exercise and work patterns give you an anchor in the chaos of the divorce process. Plan ahead, especially for the days the children are with the other parent.
- Make room for your feelings. Keeping a journal, going for walks, talking to a trusted friend or allowing yourself to cry prevents feelings from building up.
- Structure communication with your former partner. If possible, limit communication to practical matters concerning the children, and use written, calm language. If necessary, find out about mediation services in the country where you live.
- Set boundaries with your family in Turkey. You decide what, when and how much to tell your family. Saying "I've made my decision, and right now I need your support, not advice" is a legitimate boundary.
- Give yourself time to build a new social circle. After a divorce, shared friendships may fall apart. Hobbies, sport, volunteering or support groups can be useful for forming new ties.
- Do not rush the "stay or go back?" decision. This decision depends on many factors, including the children's situation and legal circumstances. Give yourself time and make the decision in a calm period, by gathering information.
Divorce may be the end of a relationship, but it is not the end of your story. The compassion you show yourself in this process is the first line of a new page.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
You do not need to wait until you feel "really bad" to seek support during a divorce. However, talking to a mental health professional can be particularly helpful in the following situations:
- If low mood, hopelessness or intense anxiety lasts longer than two weeks
- If you are struggling to keep up your daily functioning, your work or the care of your children
- If you have difficulty controlling your anger
- If your alcohol or substance use is increasing
- If you notice long-lasting changes in behaviour or mood in your children
If there is violence, threats, stalking or a risk to the children's safety in the relationship or in the divorce process, safety comes first. The police, local support services and social services in the country where you live can help with this. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please call the emergency number of the country you are in straight away: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.
How Is the Divorce Process Approached in Mother-Tongue Online Therapy?
The divorce process is a time when the deepest feelings, family relationships and questions of identity come up again. Being able to express these feelings in your mother tongue can bring great relief to some people, especially when cultural themes such as the family's reaction, shame, "elâlem" (what other people will say) and sacrifice are involved. Therapy in your mother tongue is an option that can be used not instead of the legal, social and psychological support services in the country where you live, but alongside them.
In a process based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), work can be done in the following areas:
- Grief and acceptance: Room is made for grieving the loss of the relationship, the shared life and plans for the future.
- Thought patterns: Thoughts such as "I failed", "I've ruined my children's lives" and "I'll never be happy with anyone again" are examined and more balanced interpretations are developed.
- Emotion regulation: Practical skills are worked on for coping with anger, anxiety and intense sadness.
- Parenting: Guidance is given on communicating with the children, cooperating with the other parent and keeping the children out of the conflict.
- Structuring the new life: The social circle, daily routine and decisions about the future are addressed step by step.
For online sessions, it is important to choose a quiet, private place where the children cannot hear, to use headphones, to pick a time that suits the time difference and to prefer a secure connection. Payment can be made online; pricing in TL and payment with an international card are both possible. For general information aimed at people living abroad, you can look at our page on Turks living abroad. For insurance coverage, we recommend that you check the insurance terms in the country where you live.
Frequently Asked Questions
Which country's law applies when divorcing abroad?
This question depends on many factors, such as the spouses' nationalities, the country where they live, where the marriage took place and the rules of the countries concerned, and it can differ from person to person. For this reason it is not possible to give a general answer. The right course is to get advice from a lawyer who works in family law in the country where you live and, if necessary, in Turkey.
How should I tell my children about the divorce?
It is recommended to explain it in simple, honest, age-appropriate language, with both parents together if possible. Telling the child clearly that the divorce is not their fault, that both parents will continue to love them, and what will change and what will stay the same in their daily life reduces the anxiety of uncertainty.
Should I return to Turkey after the divorce?
This decision depends on many factors, such as your children's situation, work, financial circumstances, legal arrangements and your own values. Because decisions about moving with children can have legal consequences, be sure to get advice from a lawyer before deciding. Emotionally, it is important to make this big decision not in the middle of intense feelings, but by giving yourself time.
Does having therapy during a divorce prolong the process?
No, therapy does not affect the legal process. The aim of therapy is to help you cope with your feelings during this difficult period, make calmer decisions and support your children. For many people, therapy can be a way of getting through the divorce process less wearingly.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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