The Empty Chair Technique: Saying What You Could Not Say

What is the empty chair technique? Read how it is used in sessions, why it can help with grief and anger, its limits and what to watch for if you try it alone.

Think of the conversation you never managed to have with your father, the things you could not say to a loved one you lost without saying goodbye, or a hurt you have carried inside for years. Some words remain unspoken because the other person is no longer alive, is out of reach, or because talking to them is not safe. The empty chair technique is a method used in therapy to make room for these unspoken words. The person imagines that the other person is sitting in the empty chair opposite them and speaks to them directly. In this article we explain what the technique is, how it is used in a session, when it may help and, above all, what its limits are.

What Is the Empty Chair Technique?

The empty chair technique is an experiential therapy method in which a person imagines that an important person in their life, a part of themselves or a feeling is sitting in an empty chair placed opposite them, and speaks to it directly.

The technique is most closely associated with Gestalt therapy, and similar work is also used in approaches based on roles and enactment, such as psychodrama. Jacob Levy Moreno, the founder of psychodrama, gave the method's birthday as a performance he gave in Vienna on 1 April 1921. Since then the ideas of role, stage and enactment have been used in different ways by different schools of therapy. If you are curious about the general framework of Gestalt therapy, you can read our article what is Gestalt therapy.

The basic idea of the technique is simple: there is a big difference between talking "about" someone and talking "to" them directly. Saying "My mother never understood me" is a description. Saying "Mum, you never understood me" makes room for that feeling to be experienced now, here. This small change in language often brings an unexpected emotional intensity.

How Is the Empty Chair Technique Used? The Flow of a Session

Every therapist adapts the technique to their own approach and to the person's needs. Still, a general flow might look like this:

1. Preparation: The technique is suggested once the therapeutic relationship has reached a certain level of trust. The therapist explains what will be done and waits for the person to agree. If the person does not want to, the exercise is not done.
2. Placing the chair: An empty chair is placed opposite the person. Sometimes the person is asked to imagine in detail the one sitting in that chair: How are they sitting, what are they wearing, what is the expression on their face?
3. Speaking: The person says what they want to say directly to the chair. Where needed, the therapist accompanies them with brief prompts such as "Say that to them" or "What do you feel in your body right now?"
4. Swapping places (optional): In some exercises the person moves to the opposite chair and answers from the other person's position. This can help them experience the other person's point of view.
5. Closing: After the exercise, what happened is talked through together. The feelings that have surfaced are gathered up, and care is taken that the person leaves the session in a calm state.

Imagine a woman who lost her mother in hospital a few months ago and blames herself for not being by her side in the last days because of pressure at work. In sessions she always describes this with the same sentences and stops at the same point each time. When the empty chair exercise is suggested, she hesitates at first, then says to her mother, "I couldn't come, I'm sorry," and cries for a long time. Then, when she is asked to move to the other chair and speak from her mother's place, she says, "My girl, you did everything you could." This sentence does not take away the loss or the pain; but it opens a door that allows the guilt to be talked about.

What Is the Empty Chair Technique For?

The technique can be used for different purposes. The areas where it is used most often are:

• Grief and unfinished goodbyes: Saying what could not be said to a loved one who has died can accompany the natural process of grief. We discussed the general course of grief in our article on the grieving process.
• Suppressed anger and hurt: Where saying things directly to the other person is not safe or not possible, it makes room for expressing anger without causing harm.
• Inner conflicts: Using two chairs, two voices within the person, for example the part saying "I should go" and the part saying "I should stay", can be helped to talk to each other.
• Self-criticism: The harsh inner critic is seated in one chair and the criticised side in the other. This can help the person notice how merciless their inner voice is.
• Preparing for a difficult conversation: It can be used as a kind of rehearsal for a conversation that will take place in real life.

Let us give an example of the two-chair work used with inner conflicts. Imagine a man in his thirties who has received a job offer in another city but is torn about leaving his elderly parents behind. In one chair sits the side of him that says, "I need to build my own life"; in the other, the side that says, "A good son stays here." By moving between the chairs, he gives voice to both. The aim of the exercise is not to impose a decision on him; it is to let him hear what each voice is trying to protect. Often the person realises that the voice saying "I should stay" is actually fed by guilt, and the voice saying "I should go" by burnout, and begins to make the decision with this awareness.

Unspoken words do not disappear; they often look for a place in the body, in sleep and in relationships.

In Turkey, unspoken words carry a particular weight for many families. Not contradicting one's elders, swallowing hurts within the family "so as not to cause offence", and acting as though everything is fine during holiday visits are common situations. For someone who has been unable to say something to their mother-in-law, father or elder brother for years, first saying those words to an empty chair in a safe room can help clarify what they want to say in real life, and how. For many people who lost loved ones without saying goodbye in the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, too, unfinished farewells have been one of the hardest parts of the grieving process.

The power of the technique comes from inviting the person to live a feeling rather than describe it. "Catharsis", the idea Aristotle used for tragedy, of a kind of purification brought about by living through emotions, is often mentioned in the history of drama-based therapies. However, the aim of empty chair work is not simply to release feelings; it is to notice the feeling, understand it and form a new relationship with it.

What Might You Feel During the Exercise?

People who take part in empty chair work report very different experiences. Knowing about them in advance can help you not to be taken by surprise.

• Awkwardness and embarrassment: Many people think at first that talking to an empty chair is strange; they smile or say, "I can't do this." This is very normal and usually eases after a few sentences.
• Unexpected intensity: A subject that has been described many times before can take on an entirely different emotional weight when it is addressed directly. Crying, a trembling voice, warmth or tightness in the body may be felt.
• Not finding words: Sometimes the person stays silent in front of the chair. This silence carries meaning too and can be talked about together.
• Relief and tiredness: After the exercise it is possible to feel lighter, but also to feel drained or emotionally tired. It is good to set aside some calm time for yourself after the session.
• Thoughts that come in the following days: Subjects opened up in the exercise may reappear in the following days in dreams, memories or thoughts. These are valuable material to talk about in the next session.

None of these reactions is "wrong". What matters is that whatever emerges is met within the therapeutic relationship and that the person moves at their own pace.

The Limits of the Empty Chair Technique and What to Watch For

Empty chair work is a powerful method, and for exactly that reason it calls for care. Here is what you should know:

• Research support is limited. There are few high-quality, large studies examining the effect of the technique on its own. It is therefore appropriate to use it as part of a therapy process, within a wider framework; it should not be seen as a treatment on its own.
• It can open up intense feelings. Unexpectedly strong sadness, anger or shame may emerge during the exercise. These feelings need to be met safely, and the session needs to end with a careful close.
• It is not suitable for everyone. For people who have experienced severe trauma, who are in an intense crisis or who sometimes feel they are losing touch with reality, experiential work of this kind can be suggested only after careful assessment, at the right time and in the right way.
• It should not be forced. If the person says, "I don't want to do this," this is seen not as resistance but as a boundary to be respected.
• It does not stand in for the real person. What is said to the chair does not show what the other person really thinks. The answers given when swapping places come from the person's own inner world.

If you are going through a period accompanied by thoughts of self-harm or suicide, it is important to speak with a professional rather than trying exercises like this on your own. In an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).

Can You Try It at Home? Safer Alternatives

There is a great deal of content online suggesting that you try the empty chair technique alone at home. For a mild hurt, talking to a chair on your own may bring some people relief. But especially where grief, trauma or intense anger is involved, it can be hard to gather up the feelings that are opened on your own.

If you want to try something on your own, you could consider gentler alternatives:

• Writing a letter you will not send: Putting what you want to say on paper is a more controlled route than speaking aloud. You can keep what you have written, burn it or read it again after a while.
• Thinking quietly while looking at a photograph: Noticing what goes through your mind while looking at a photograph of a loved one you have lost can also be a form of expression.
• Sharing with someone you trust: Telling what you could not say not to that person but to a trustworthy friend or family member who can listen to you.

While doing any of these, keep the following in mind: keep it short, and afterwards do something that calms you, such as a walk, a glass of tea or a phone call with someone you love. If the feelings come more intensely than you expected, stop. It may be more appropriate to take the next step together with a professional. Also, the aim of these alternatives is not to reach a conclusion but to make a little room for your feeling; not expecting to "empty yourself out completely" in one go is a kinder attitude towards yourself.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

You might consider speaking with a mental health professional in the following situations:

• Months after a loss, grief is still making daily life markedly difficult
• Thoughts of guilt, anger or regret will not leave your mind
• What you have been through with a particular person is affecting your relationships, your sleep or your work
• You constantly feel tense or numb because you are holding back what you want to say
• You are having thoughts of harming yourself; in this case, call 112 (emergency services) without delay

How Are the Empty Chair and Role Work Used in Therapy?

The empty chair and similar role work are meaningful when they serve a particular purpose within a therapy process. In psychodrama, work of this kind is used within a group alongside techniques such as role reversal and mirroring. We described this approach in our article what is psychodrama.

Individual therapy is grounded in cognitive behavioural therapy. Within this framework, role work may also sometimes be used: for example, rehearsing a conversation the person finds difficult, or answering the inner critic's voice from a different position. In schema therapy, too, experiential methods similar to chair work may be used when working with emotional needs that go back to childhood. In every case the priorities are the person's safety, readiness and consent. Before suggesting the technique, the therapist assesses together with the person how much emotional load they can carry at that time, whether there are people in their life who can support them, and how they will be able to recover after the session. If needed, the work is spread across several sessions or left for a later period.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is the empty chair technique only used for people who have died?

No. Although work with a loved one who has died is common, the technique can also be used for someone who is alive but cannot be talked to, for the person's own inner voices, or for a feeling.

What if I feel embarrassed talking to the chair?

This is a very common reaction and a feeling that can be talked about in therapy. You can wait until the embarrassment passes, the exercise can be done in smaller steps, or it need not be done at all.

Will this technique change my real-life relationship?

The technique does not change the other person; but it can help you notice your feelings about that person and form a new relationship with them. Over time, this may be reflected in your attitudes in real life.

Can empty chair work be done in an online session?

It can, with some adaptation; the person can put a chair opposite them at home. However, bearing in mind that intense feelings may be opened up, it is important that they are in a setting where they feel safe and will not be disturbed.

• #empty chair technique
• #gestalt therapy
• #psychodrama
• #emotional expression

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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