Why do family visits to Turkey in the summer wear you out? Practical advice on expectation pressure, guilt and setting boundaries for Turks living abroad.
The summer holiday you have waited months for has finally arrived. The suitcases are full of presents, the plane tickets are bought, or the car is ready for the long drive. When you arrive in Turkey, hugs, laden tables and conversations over tea are waiting for you. But after a few days, exhaustion sets in. Every day you visit a different relative, and at every table the same questions come up: "When are you coming back?", "Why don't the children speak Turkish?", "How much do you earn over there?" By the time the holiday ends, you return not rested but drained. For many Turks living abroad, a family visit to Turkey is a time when longing is eased, but also a time when expectations, resentments and tiredness build up. In this article we try to understand these complicated feelings, to see the causes of the exhaustion, and to suggest concrete steps so that your next visit can feel more balanced.
Why Does a Family Visit Stir Up Such Intense Feelings?
For someone living abroad, a visit to Turkey is not just a holiday. It is a chance to see parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and friends. It is an opportunity for children to get to know their roots and bond with their grandparents. It is also a period in which a year's worth of longing, guilt and the feeling of "I wasn't there for you" is something you try to make up for.
A few weeks that carry so much meaning are expected to go perfectly. Everyone must be seen, nobody must be offended, every invitation must be accepted, the children must look charming to everyone, quality time must be spent with parents, and you are supposed to rest as well. It is often impossible to meet all of these expectations at once. This is exactly where exhaustion and disappointment begin.
The visit also becomes a mirror of your life and identity abroad. Feeling like a stranger in Turkey, changing cities, nieces and nephews who have grown, parents who have aged... All of these make visible the marks left by time and distance. We discuss this experience in detail in our article on reverse culture shock.
Signs of Visit Fatigue
If you recognise several of the following, family visits may have become emotionally taxing for you:
- Starting to feel anxious and tense weeks before the holiday.
- Feeling that the visit schedule is more like a "to-do list".
- Finding no time at all for yourself while you are in Turkey.
- Becoming defensive in the face of constantly repeated questions and comments.
- Arguing more often with your partner or children in Turkey.
- Feeling exhausted, tense and even angry at the end of the holiday instead of rested.
- Experiencing sadness, emptiness and guilt for a while after returning.
- Avoiding thinking about the next visit, yet feeling ashamed to admit it.
Imagine a couple living in Switzerland who decide to spend their three weeks of leave in Turkey. They spent the first week with one partner's family and the second with the other's; the third week was filled with visits to relatives and wedding invitations. The children grew cranky from the heat and the constantly changing beds, and almost every evening the couple argued about "whose family we spent more time with". On the flight home both were thinking the same thing: "That wasn't a holiday." This example shows how a packed schedule, made with good intentions, can tire everyone out.
These feelings do not mean you do not love your family. They often show the burden created by carrying love, longing and expectations all at once.
Causes of Family Visit Fatigue and the Cultural Context
Hospitality Culture and the Visiting Marathon
In Turkish culture, visiting relatives matters, as does making sure nobody can say "they came but didn't stop by to see us". The person coming from abroad is expected to visit everyone. Going to dozens of homes in a limited time, eating at every house, drinking tea and having long conversations is physically and emotionally tiring. Skipping a visit, on the other hand, can lead to hurt feelings.
Divided Time
For married couples, time is split between two families. Scorekeeping such as "This year we stayed more with your family" can create tension between partners. For couples whose parents live in different cities, the holiday can turn into travel between cities.
Pressure of Expectation and Evaluation
Certain expectations and comments directed at those living abroad are very common: questions about financial circumstances, expectations of gifts, the assumption that "everything is wonderful over there, isn't it?", comments on the children's Turkish or behaviour, criticism of weight, clothing or lifestyle. These comments are often well-meant but can create a feeling of being constantly evaluated.
Guilt and the Effort to Make Up for Lost Time
The guilt of being far away all year can turn into an effort to make up for everything during the visit. For ageing parents, responsibilities such as doctor appointments, home repairs and official paperwork are squeezed into the holiday. The thought "If I don't do it now, it will wait another year" leaves no room for rest.
Changing Identity and Belonging
The years spent abroad have changed you. Your way of thinking, your habits and your approach to raising children may have shifted. If your family still sees you as you were years ago, or criticises the changes in you, you may come to feel like a stranger. We also address this subject in our article on family pressure while living abroad.
Children's Adjustment
Children who grow up abroad can react differently in Turkey. Some enjoy playing with their cousins enormously, while others are overwhelmed by the heat, the crowds, the language difficulty or the constantly changing surroundings. Relatives' comments such as "Why is this child so shy?" or "Why doesn't he answer in Turkish?" can be hard on both the child and the parent.
The value of a visit is measured not by how many homes you went to, but by who you were really together with, and for how long.
The Effect of Visits on the Family, the Couple and the Children
Visits to Turkey can also test the couple's relationship. One partner may feel more at ease with their own family while the other is more tense. In mixed marriages, the partner who does not speak Turkish may be left out of conversations that last for hours and feel lonely. This can lead to tensions that build up during the holiday and to arguments after returning.
For children, a visit to Turkey is a time when they experience an important part of their identity. Positive experiences strengthen the child's bond with their Turkish identity. But a visit in which the child is constantly criticised, compared or overwhelmed in crowded settings can create distance from Turkey and the Turkish language.
For parents, the end of the visit is often the hardest part. Saying goodbye to ageing parents can bring the anxiety of "Will I be able to see them next time?" This sadness of parting can continue into the weeks after returning.
Concrete Steps for a More Balanced Visit
Talk About Expectations in Advance
Before the visit, sit down with your partner and talk through these questions: What does each of us expect from this holiday? Whom do we definitely want to see? How much time will we set aside for rest? What do the children need? A shared plan reduces tension during the visit.
Make a Realistic Schedule
Instead of visiting every day, build in free days between. Bringing large relative gatherings together, for example by organising a picnic or a shared meal, can reduce the number of individual home visits. Letting your family know the schedule in advance also reduces last-minute expectations.
Make Time for Yourself and Your Immediate Family
Spend part of the holiday with only your partner and children. A short trip, a few days by the sea or simply a walk together can balance out the fatigue of the visit. Setting this time aside is not selfishness; it is respect for your family's needs.
Be Ready for Difficult Questions
You know the questions that come up every year. Prepare short, calm answers in advance. For example, to "When are you coming back?" it may be enough to say, "We're there for now, we'll talk when the time comes." You do not have to give details in response to questions about money. Politely changing the subject is also an option.
Prepare and Protect the Children
Before the visit, tell your children whom they will see and where they will stay. Introducing relatives through photographs helps them feel more at ease. When critical comments are made about your child, support them kindly but clearly: "They're learning at their own pace, and we're proud of them."
Set Boundaries with Love
Saying "no" or saying you cannot attend an invitation can be hard. When you do it, express your affection too: "We've missed you so much, but the children are very tired today. Could we come for breakfast tomorrow?" Boundaries set with love protect relationships rather than harming them.
Simplify the Matter of Gifts
Filling suitcases with presents is an expression of love; but over time it can become a financial and emotional burden. Instead of buying separate gifts for everyone, you can consider shared and symbolic ones. Remembering that what is really valuable is your presence and the time spent together can lighten this burden.
Allow a Transition Period for Your Return
If possible, rest at home for a day or two before starting work. Treat the sadness and emptiness you feel on returning as normal. Remembering the good moments of the visit, looking at photographs and keeping in touch with your family can ease this transition.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The fatigue of family visits usually passes within a few weeks. However, it may be helpful to talk to a specialist in the following situations:
- You experience intense anxiety, unhappiness or anger for a long time before or after visits.
- There are deep resentments, estrangements or unresolved conflicts in your family relationships.
- Visits lead to recurring and escalating arguments between you and your partner.
- You feel constantly criticised, controlled or belittled by your family.
- Guilt and worry about your ageing parents affect your daily life.
- Difficult experiences you went through in the family in the past come back during visits.
If you have thoughts of hopelessness or of harming yourself, please do not wait and call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. If you are in Turkey, you can call 112. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in these situations local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.
Mental health and family counselling services in the country where you live are also important resources. Support in your mother tongue is an option that can be used alongside these services.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
Talking about family relationships is perhaps one of the things that is easiest to do in your mother tongue. Being able to talk without having to explain concepts such as "how I should behave in my mother-in-law's house as a daughter-in-law", "what people will say if I don't go to kiss the elders' hands at Bayram" or "the fear that it would be shameful" can allow sessions to focus directly on the heart of the matter. For general information aimed at those living abroad, you can look at our page for Turks living abroad.
Work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for family visits and family relationships generally includes the following:
- Noticing expectations and beliefs: Beliefs such as "I must please everyone" or "If I say no I'm a bad child" are examined together.
- Working with guilt: The guilt that comes with living far away is addressed from a realistic and compassionate perspective.
- Boundary-setting skills: Ways of setting loving but clear boundaries with your family are practised; you can rehearse difficult conversations.
- Planning the visit: A realistic plan, time for rest and strategies for difficult situations are prepared for the next visit.
- Working as a couple: If needed, sessions that both partners attend together address visit plans and the balance between the families.
A quiet and private setting, a secure internet connection and headphones are recommended for online sessions. If you would like to continue sessions during your visit to Turkey, it is important to find a private space in a crowded house. A suitable time can be arranged according to the time difference. Payments can be made online; pricing in TL and payment by international card are possible. For insurance terms, we recommend checking your insurance in the country where you live. For detailed information, you can look at the online therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
If family visits wear me out, does it mean I don't love my family?
No. Exhaustion does not show a lack of love; it shows intense expectations and feelings being squeezed into a short time. You can love your family very much and still be tired by visits.
Do I have to go to Turkey every summer?
This decision depends on your and your family's circumstances. You can take into account finances, work, the children's needs and your own need for rest. Some families prefer to spread visits across different seasons or to host the family from Turkey in their own home.
What should I do if my child does not want to go to Turkey?
First ask, with curiosity, why: is it the heat, the crowds, the language, or a relative's attitude? Listening to the child's worries and making arrangements that make the visit more comfortable for them helps them keep their bond with Turkey.
Is it normal to feel sad after returning from a visit?
Yes, it is quite common to feel sadness, emptiness and longing after returning. These feelings usually ease within a few weeks. If they continue for a long time and affect your daily life, you may consider seeking support.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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