Sending financial support to family in Turkey can bring pressure as well as love. A psychological guide to guilt, anger and boundaries while living abroad.
At the start of every month the salary arrives, and almost the same day the phone rings. Sometimes it is your mother's medicine money, sometimes your sibling's school instalment, sometimes the repair of your father's house, sometimes a relative's wedding... The sentence "You're over there, you must be doing well" echoes in the ears of many people living abroad. Sending financial support to family is, in Turkish culture, one of the most concrete expressions of love, loyalty and being a good son or daughter. But when this support turns into an expectation, the expectation into an obligation and the obligation into a silent pressure, both the person's mental health and their relationship with their own family can suffer. In this article, we look at the psychological dimensions of this pressure, its cultural background, and ways to set healthy boundaries while preserving love.
Financial Support for Family: The Unseen Burden of Life Abroad
The history of emigration is also a history of support. A significant share of first-generation migrant workers sent money regularly to the families who stayed at home; houses were built in villages, siblings were put through school, debts were paid. This tradition continues today in different forms. In recent years, white-collar professionals, students and academics who have gone abroad have also continued to support their parents or siblings because of economic conditions in Turkey.
This support is not a problem in itself. For many people, helping their family gives a sense of meaning, pride and belonging. The problem begins when the support turns into any of the following:
- It reaches a scale that endangers the person's own budget, savings and future
- A feeling that saying "no" is impossible and that every request must be met without question
- The support being seen as routine, or even as insufficient, rather than appreciated
- The roles within the family splitting into "the one who sends the money" and "the one who builds emotional closeness"
- Constant conflict with one's own spouse or children over the subject
At this point, the support can stop being an expression of love and become a burden.
Signs: When Support Turns into Pressure
Some signs that you may be struggling with financial support for family are:
- Feeling a knot in your stomach when the phone rings or a message arrives from the family
- Worrying "What will they ask for this time?" even before money is requested
- Feeling intense guilt when you say no or send less
- Thinking "I'm being selfish" when you spend on your own needs
- Feeling a quiet anger towards the family, then feeling guilty about that anger as well
- Arguing often with your spouse or partner about this subject
- Feeling anxiety before visits to Turkey, then tiredness and disappointment afterwards
- Hiding your income, savings or pay rise from the family
- Sleep problems, tension and physical complaints
These signs do not on their own mean a mental disorder. But they point to a chronic source of stress and, in the long term, can lay the ground for anxiety, low mood or burnout.
Why Is It So Hard? Cultural Context and Psychological Roots
Filial debt and loyalty. In Turkish culture, looking after one's parents is seen as one of a child's most basic duties. The thought "They raised us, now it's our turn" is felt deeply. This value is a good one in itself; but when it knows no limits, it can conflict with a person's right to build their own life.
The assumption that those abroad are rich. The family and community in Turkey may assess the income of the person living abroad without considering the high cost of living in the country, the rent, the taxes and other expenses. Money earned in foreign currency looks large from Turkey; but the real expenses abroad are not visible.
The guilt of having left. Many people think that by going abroad they have left their parents alone and left a burden to their siblings. Financial support can become a way of balancing this guilt: "I can't be with them, so at least let me send money." For the different faces of guilt abroad, you can look at the article on guilt abroad.
Economic uncertainty and a constant sense of emergency. In periods when the cost of living in Turkey is high, requests from family can become more frequent, and each request can feel urgent. One month rent, the next hospital costs, the next school fees... A person may feel as if they are constantly putting out a fire. This makes it hard to make long-term plans and to feel secure about one's own future.
Shame and "what will people say?" (elâlem). Fear of comments such as "Their son is abroad but doesn't look after his mother" can limit the person's freedom of decision.
Roles within the family. In some families the child abroad settles into the role of "rescuer". Every crisis is loaded onto their shoulders. Although this role can feel valuable, over time it can lead to burnout.
Schemas and early learning. From a cognitive-behavioural and schema-focused perspective, people who have received the message "Other people's needs come before mine" since childhood may find it hard to express their own needs in adulthood. Schemas such as self-sacrifice or approval-seeking can make saying "no" feel almost impossible.
The line between love and duty lies in whether what is given is given freely or out of fear. Support given out of fear wears down, over time, both the giver and the relationship.
The Effect on Family, Marriage and Children
Marriage and the couple relationship. Financial support for family can be one of the subjects couples living abroad conflict over most often. While one spouse sees supporting their own family as a duty, the other may think that the joint budget, savings and the children's future are put at risk. In mixed marriages this becomes even more pronounced; for a spouse who comes from the culture of the country of residence, this expectation can seem incomprehensible. When both spouses support their own families to different degrees, the sense of fairness can be damaged.
Children. Parents' tension over this subject can be passed on to children. Children may also ask questions such as, "Why can't we go on holiday but money goes to Grandma?" It is important to answer these questions in an age-appropriate way and without blame.
The balance between siblings. While the child abroad carries the financial burden, siblings in Turkey often take on the parents' daily care. Both sides may feel their own contribution is not seen: one says, "I'm sending money," the other, "But I'm with them every day." Not talking openly about these different forms of contribution can lead to resentment and rivalry between siblings.
The relationship with family in Turkey. Support continued without boundaries can, over time, lead the person to build up anger and resentment towards their family. The relationship can start to feel like a transaction instead of love. This makes family visits and phone calls tiring.
Suppose a nurse in her thirties living in Germany has been sending her parents money regularly for years. Her siblings live in Turkey, but almost all the financial responsibility rests on her. Lately she wants to save to buy her own home, but she is afraid that if she tells her family, she will be met with hurt: "Are we dependent on you?" She and her husband often argue about this, and after every argument she feels caught between the two sides. This fictional example shows the tension between love and the wish to build your own life. For the wider dimensions of family pressure, you can read the article on family pressure abroad.
What You Can Do on Your Own About Financial Support for Family
1. Clarify your own values. Why is supporting your family important to you? Which part do you genuinely want to do, and which part do you do out of fear or guilt? Noticing this distinction is the first step.
2. Make a realistic budget. Taking into account your own needs, savings goals and unexpected expenses, work out how much support you can give your family. A fixed and predictable amount reduces uncertainty for both you and the family.
3. Make a joint decision with your spouse. Talk about the subject at a calm time, not in the heat of an argument. Set out openly the expectations on both sides' families and strike a fair balance.
4. Express your boundaries kindly but clearly. Setting a boundary is not a lack of love. For example: "I love you very much and I want to do whatever I can. This month I can only send this much, because I also have debts to pay and my own family's needs."
5. Explain the reality of life abroad. Give your family clear information about rent, bills and living costs in the country where you live. Expectations often come from lack of information.
6. Share the responsibility. Talk with your siblings in Turkey or other family members about how the responsibility will be shared. You do not have to take on the "rescuer" role alone.
7. Remember the non-financial forms of support. Regular calls, visits, researching health matters and helping with official paperwork are also valuable forms of support. Your love should not be measured only by the money you send.
8. Question the guilt. When the thought "If I send less, I'm a bad son or daughter" comes, ask yourself: "What is the evidence for this thought? If a friend were in the same situation, what would I say to them?"
9. Invest in yourself too. Saving, going on holiday, signing up for a course or spending on your health is not selfish. Protecting your own wellbeing is the foundation for being able to support your family in a healthier way in the long run. A person who is worn out cannot be good for themselves or for their loved ones for long.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It is important to consider professional support in the following situations:
- If anxiety, guilt or anger about your family markedly affects your daily life
- If you are going into debt because of financial support, or cannot meet your own basic needs
- If conflicts with your spouse over this subject are seriously straining your relationship
- If sleep problems, constant tension and physical complaints have lasted for weeks
- If you feel hopeless, helpless or trapped
- If thoughts of harming yourself come to mind
In a crisis, or if there is a risk of self-harm, call the emergency number of the country you are in immediately: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary. For debt and budget matters, debt advice services in the country you live in can also be a useful resource.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Native Language Work?
Concepts such as "filial debt", "loyalty", "what will people say?" and "gurbetçi" (a Turk living abroad) sit right in the middle of this pressure. It is possible to explain these concepts in another language to a therapist from another culture; but sometimes that explanation can delay reaching the actual feeling. Working in your native language can make it easier to be understood without having to describe the cultural context at length. You can find more detail on this on the Turks abroad page.
In a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)-based approach, the following areas can be addressed:
- Guilt and thinking patterns: Realistically re-evaluating thoughts such as "If I say no, I'm a bad son or daughter" and "Their happiness is my responsibility."
- Schema awareness: Noticing the effect of early patterns such as self-sacrifice and approval-seeking on present-day relationships.
- Boundary-setting and communication skills: Building clear and respectful language with the family while preserving love; rehearsing difficult conversations in advance.
- Values-based decision making: Making decisions that take into account your own life, your love for your family and your future together.
- Couple communication: Being able to talk about this subject with your spouse without blame.
For online sessions, a quiet, private room, headphones and a secure connection are enough. A regular session time is set with the time difference in mind. Payment can be made online; for insurance reimbursement, you need to check the insurance conditions in the country you live in. You can find information on how the sessions work on the online therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel so guilty when I don't send money to my family?
In Turkish culture, supporting parents and family is a strong value, and it is often learned from childhood. On top of this, the guilt created by having gone abroad can also be loaded onto financial support. Feeling guilty does not always mean you have done something wrong; sometimes it may simply be the voice of a learned pattern.
Will setting boundaries with my family damage our relationship?
At first there may be hurt or surprise. However, boundaries set in kind and clear language can, in the long term, move the relationship onto more honest and healthier ground. Anger and resentment that build up when no boundaries are set often damage the relationship more.
My spouse and I disagree about financial support for family. What can we do?
It is important to talk about the subject at a calm time, putting on the table the expectations and worries about both sides' families. Setting a shared budget framework and a fair balance can reduce arguments. When communication gets stuck, seeking support as a couple can be helpful.
How can I decide how much support I should give my family?
There is no single answer that applies to everyone. A good start is to think about the amount you could give with a clear conscience after meeting your own basic needs, savings goals and unexpected expenses. It is important that the support comes from free choice, not from fear.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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