A grandmother caring for grandchildren carries both love and invisible labour. Data, intergenerational role conflict, boundaries and burnout explored.
The doorbell rings at seven in the morning; the mother is about to rush off to work, a sleepy baby in her arms and a bag full of nappies and formula in her hand. The person who opens the door is a grandmother who has spent most of her life raising her own children, who has perhaps just retired or has never been able to retire at all. This scene, familiar in many families in Turkey, is the story of both deep love and labour that often goes unnamed. Grandmothers caring for grandchildren can be the most trusted source of support for working parents, but they can also be people who find it hard to voice their own tiredness, health problems and wishes. In this article I will discuss the data on this subject, the context in a province such as Çorum where the proportion of older people is high, and the psychological aspects of caring for grandchildren.
What Do the Figures Say? How Common Are Grandmothers Caring for Grandchildren?
There are no provincial-level data on grandchild care. However, there are some indicators for Turkey as a whole:
- Who provides daytime care? According to the Turkey Family Structure Survey 2016, the daytime care of children aged 0–5 is provided by the mother in 86% of households. The grandmother comes second after the mother, at 7.4%.
- This rate may reflect only those living in the same household. Situations in which a grandmother looks after her grandchild in her own home, or helps on some days of the week, may not be fully captured by questions of this kind.
Data on Çorum help us understand the background to grandchild care:
- Older population: According to the Ministry of Health's Health Statistics Yearbook 2023, the proportion of the population aged 65 and over is 16.6% in Çorum and 10.2% in Turkey.
- Women and retirement: According to the 2025 Statistical Yearbook of SGK (Turkey's Social Security Institution), only 13.6% of those receiving an old-age pension in their own name in Çorum are women; in Turkey this figure is 22.4%. In other words, most older women in Çorum have no pension income of their own. By contrast, 24,062 women receive a survivor's pension from their late husbands.
- Older people's well-being: According to OKA's (the Central Black Sea Development Agency's) 2021 report based on TÜİK (the Turkish Statistical Institute), Çorum ranks third lowest in Turkey for the proportion of older people who say "I am happy" (49.7%). According to the same report, the share of single-person households occupied by older people (53.4%) is the highest in Turkey.
The limits of the data
There are no data specific to Çorum on the number of grandmothers caring for grandchildren, the time they spend on care or the effect of this care on their health. The indicators above only describe the context: a province where the older population is large, women's own incomes remain limited and older people's well-being appears relatively low. The proportion of older people saying "I am happy" is also based on a survey carried out years ago and cannot be directly linked to grandchild care.
A Sociological Reading: Why Does Grandchild Care Fall to Grandmothers?
There are several possible reasons why the care of grandchildren falls to grandmothers.
Trust. Many parents find it safer to leave their child with their own mother or mother-in-law rather than with a "stranger". This trust reflects the strength of family ties.
Economics. Nursery or childminder fees are a heavy burden, especially for families living on a single wage or on a low income. A grandmother's support may be the only way for the mother to continue working.
Access to early childhood education. In places where access to early childhood education is limited, especially for three- and four-year-olds, care within the family becomes even more important.
Cultural expectations. In the traditional family structure, being a grandmother naturally includes looking after the grandchildren. The thought "I raised you, and now I'll look after my grandchildren" can be both an expression of love and an expectation. Sometimes this expectation matches the grandmother's own wishes, and sometimes it is placed on her without her being asked.
Women's retirement situation. For a grandmother with no pension income of her own, looking after grandchildren can be a way of "contributing" within the family and feeling valued. However, the same situation can also weaken the grandmother's ability to say "no".
The structure of the older population. In a province where the proportion of older people is high, the people giving care and receiving care within the family frequently swap places. A grandmother who looks after her grandchild today may herself need care a few years later; indeed, some grandmothers look after both their grandchildren and their own elderly parents or husbands at the same time. This double caring burden can be heavy both physically and emotionally, especially for women with no income of their own.
A Psychological Reading: Grandmothers Caring for Grandchildren and the Balance Between Generations
Caring for grandchildren cannot be described with a single emotion. For many grandmothers, joy and tiredness, meaning and a lost freedom are all experienced together.
A source of love and meaning
Spending time with grandchildren gives life new meaning for many older people. Roles that diminish with retirement or with children leaving home can come alive again through the bond with a grandchild. Studies of social isolation and loneliness in old age show that loss of roles is one of the risk factors for loneliness (Akbaş and colleagues, 2020). From this point of view, for a grandmother who looks after her grandchild willingly and within her strength, this role can be protective. Grandchildren, in turn, learn love, patience, family stories and a sense of rootedness from their grandparents.
Invisible tiredness
On the other hand, caring for grandchildren, especially in the baby and toddler years, is physically tiring work. Carrying a child, waking at night and running after a child who needs constant attention can be heavy for a grandmother with joint pain, high blood pressure or chronic illnesses. Yet many grandmothers do not voice this tiredness. The worry "What will my children say, will they think I'm ungrateful?" can lead them to put their own needs second.
Let us say a woman in her mid-sixties looks after her daughter's two children every weekday. She loves her grandchildren very much; but in the evening, when her daughter collects the children, she feels exhausted, cannot see her friends and keeps postponing her own doctor's appointments. One day, when she mentions her tiredness, she sees the worry on her daughter's face and takes back what she said. Over time this silence can turn into resentment and caregiver burnout.
Role conflict: whose rules?
One of the most common tensions in grandchild care is differing views about raising children. Screen time, food, sleep routines, discipline... While the parents set one rule, the grandmother may follow another path based on her own experience. The parents may feel interfered with, while the grandmother may feel her efforts are being devalued. This conflict is the source of many family tensions described as grandmothers interfering. Yet often the problem is not the people but the fact that roles and rules have not been openly discussed.
A grandmother's love for her grandchild is unconditional; but her labour should not remain invisible.
Grandfathers and changing roles
Although grandchild care is mostly associated with grandmothers, grandfathers can also take part in it. For a grandfather who spends more time at home after retirement, looking after a grandchild can be a new role and a source of meaning. Sharing the caring burden between grandmother and grandfather both eases the grandmother's load and allows the grandchild to form a bond with two different adults.
Maternal or paternal grandmother?
Grandchild care can also become a delicate balance between the two grandmothers. Which grandmother looks after the child may be perceived in some families as a measure of love and loyalty. The grandmother who does not provide care may feel left out, while the one who does may feel the burden falls on her alone. The relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, or son-in-law and mother-in-law, is also tested during this process. When the parents take an open and fair stance towards both families, the care arrangement stops being an arena of rivalry.
When the grandchildren grow up
For a grandmother who has looked after her grandchild every day for years, the child starting school can create an unexpected void. The all-day rush suddenly comes to an end; the house falls quiet. This can bring the grandmother a feeling that "I'm no use any more", or a second empty-nest experience. Talking about this transition in advance, allowing the grandmother to continue her bond with the grandchild in different ways and supporting her return to her own interests ease the possible sense of loss.
The parents' guilt
On the other side of the coin is the guilt of parents who leave their child with their own mother. Feelings such as "I'm wearing my mother out", "I'm in her debt" or "I didn't see my child's first steps" are common, especially among working mothers. This guilt can show itself sometimes as excessive gratitude and sometimes as criticism of and control over the grandmother.
Practical Suggestions for Grandmothers Caring for Grandchildren and Their Families
For grandmothers:
- Assess your strength realistically. Decide from the outset how long, on which days and under what conditions you can provide care. Set up a sustainable arrangement instead of "every day, every hour".
- Leave room for your own life. Seeing your friends, going to your health check-ups and resting are not luxuries but needs.
- Say when you are tired. Saying that you are tired does not mean you do not love your grandchild. Setting boundaries protects the relationship in the long run.
- Talk about the rules. Discuss the issues you disagree on privately with the parents, not in front of the child.
For parents:
- Recognise the labour. See the grandmother's support not as a duty but as a contribution, and say so openly. Even a small thank you can change a great deal.
- Set the rules together. Create a shared framework on basic issues such as food, sleep and screen time; allow the grandmother flexibility on the rest.
- Consider alternative support. Where possible, spread the load with options such as nursery, half-day care or sharing with other family members. In the article on leaving a child with their grandmother I discuss different aspects of this decision.
- Keep an eye on the grandmother's health. Do not ignore signs such as tiredness, forgetfulness, pain or reluctance.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Caring for grandchildren is not a problem in itself. However, it may be helpful to seek support in the following situations:
- If the grandmother constantly seems tired, unhappy or reluctant, and her sleep and appetite are disturbed,
- If she is neglecting her own health problems because of grandchild care,
- If there are constant and wearing arguments between the parents and the grandmother about raising the child,
- If the grandmother feels trapped and worthless because she cannot say "no",
- If the parents are experiencing intense guilt or anger and this is damaging family relationships.
Low mood in old age is often brushed off as "tiredness" or "just getting old". If a loved one talks about hopelessness, about life being meaningless or about thoughts of harming themselves, take it seriously; in an emergency call 112 (emergency services).
How Are Grandchild Care and Intergenerational Relationships Addressed in Therapy?
Individual therapy can help both grandmothers and parents understand the complex feelings they experience during this process. Sessions can work on the following areas:
- Boundary-setting skills: Being able to say "no" without damaging love, and expressing needs clearly.
- Role change: Adjusting to transitions such as retirement, ageing or becoming a grandmother for the first time.
- Feelings of guilt and indebtedness: Understanding the parents' guilt about leaving their child with the grandmother, or the grandmother's guilt about taking time for herself.
- Communication within the family: Being able to discuss different perspectives between generations without blame.
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) helps people notice thoughts such as "If I say I'm tired, I'll be a bad mother" or "Asking my mother for help shows that I'm inadequate", and develop more balanced perspectives. Where necessary, through family sessions, the parents and the grandmother can sit around the same table and create a shared care arrangement.
Frequently Asked Questions
How common is it for grandmothers to care for grandchildren?
According to the Turkey Family Structure Survey 2016, the daytime care of children aged 0–5 is provided by the mother in 86% of households and by the grandmother in 7.4%. There are no separate data at provincial level, for example for Çorum.
I don't want to look after my grandchild; does that make me a bad grandmother?
No. Caring for grandchildren should be a choice, not an obligation. Setting boundaries for the sake of your health, your strength and your own life can also help you build a more enjoyable and healthy relationship with your grandchild.
My mother doesn't follow my rules when she looks after my child; what should I do?
First identify the few issues you consider most important and discuss them with your mother privately and without blame. Allowing flexibility on other issues both reduces conflict and enriches the relationship your child forms with different adults.
How does caring for grandchildren affect a grandmother's mental health?
Grandchild care undertaken willingly and within one's strength can increase a sense of meaning and connection. However, an excessive load, being unable to set boundaries and neglecting one's own needs can lead to tiredness, resentment and burnout.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
Eğitimler
