Having a child abroad means preparing for parenthood far from family and without a support network. The psychological weight of the decision and how to prepare.
"How am I going to do this without my mother by my side?" Many couples living abroad face this question when they begin to think about having children. In Turkey, the arrival of a baby is often an event for the whole extended family: a grandmother staying with the new mother, neighbours bringing meals, aunts taking the baby out for walks, other relatives sharing their experience. Abroad, a couple has to build a life far from most of this support network, perhaps in a health system whose language they don't fully know, and on their own. Having a child abroad is an exciting decision, but it can also bring anxiety, uncertainty and questions about identity. In this article, we look at the psychological dimensions of this decision, the feelings couples often experience, and ways to move into parenthood better prepared when your support network is limited.
Having a Child Abroad: What the Decision Means Away from Home
The decision to have a child is one of the biggest in a couple's life, wherever they live. Abroad, some additional questions come with it:
- Support: Who will help in the months after the birth? Will the parents be able to come, and how long can they stay?
- Timing: Are the residence permit, job security, career stage and financial situation right?
- Place: Will we stay here, or will we go back to Turkey one day? Where will our child grow up?
- Identity: Which language will our child speak, and where will they feel they are from?
- Values: How will the parenting approach of the country we live in and the expectations of the Turkish family be reconciled?
These questions can be factors that delay or complicate the decision. Some couples put the decision off for years, saying, "Let's settle in a bit more." Others, under pressure from family in Turkey, set out on this path before feeling ready.
Note: Matters such as parental leave, health insurance, citizenship and residence vary from country to country. It is important to get reliable information on these from official bodies and specialists in the country where you live. This article focuses on the psychological side of the decision.
Common Feelings and Worries
The following feelings are common in people thinking about having a child abroad, or who have just become parents there:
- The worry "We can't manage on our own": The thought that sleepless nights, illnesses and the daily burden of care will rest on just two people's shoulders.
- Uncertainty: Uncertainty about where the future will be spent making the decision to have a child even heavier.
- Guilt: The thought of keeping the parents away from their grandchildren, and depriving the child of their grandparents.
- Outside pressure: Questions from the family in Turkey such as "When are you going to have a baby?" or, conversely, worries such as "How will you manage on your own over there?"
- Unfamiliarity with the health system: The worry of communicating about birth, baby care and the paediatrician in a different system and in a different language.
- Identity worries: "What if my child doesn't speak Turkish?", "Will they drift away from me and from my culture?"
- Different levels of readiness between partners: One feeling ready while the other hesitates.
None of these feelings on its own is a sign of a problem; they are natural parts of a big decision. However, when anxiety becomes intense, it can either paralyse the decision completely or lead the couple to grow apart.
From a cognitive-behavioural perspective, some of the worries about having a child abroad are fed by "what if" thoughts: "What if they fall ill and no one can help?", "What if we have to go back one day?" These questions are important and useful for planning; but when they turn into an endless loop, they can make deciding impossible. The aim here is not to remove uncertainty altogether but to prepare enough to be able to live alongside it.
Why Can It Be Harder? Cultural Context
The tradition of the extended family. In Turkish culture, a new birth is a shared experience for the family. The postpartum period (lohusalık) is traditionally seen as a special time when the mother should rest and be supported. The absence of this support can create not only a practical but also an emotional gap for new mothers abroad.
Two different approaches to parenting. While health professionals, nurseries and parent circles in the country of residence recommend one approach to parenting, the family in Turkey may suggest different methods. From how to put the baby to sleep to when to start solid food, the couple can find themselves caught between two voices on many subjects.
Working life and career. Abroad, many people have put great effort into building their career. Having a child can bring, particularly for mothers, the worry of a career pause or reduced financial independence.
A change in ties with the Turkish community. Some parents feel a need, after having a child, to build more ties with the Turkish community; they want their children to learn Turkish and the culture. Others, on the contrary, grow closer to the parent circles of the country they live in.
Being a parent abroad means learning not only to care for a child but also to build that child a bridge between two cultures. In building this bridge, parents need support too.
The Effect on the Couple and the Family
The couple relationship. With the arrival of a baby, the couple's relationship goes through a major transformation. When the support network is limited, this transformation can be lived more intensely: sleeplessness, the sharing of housework and less time for each other can increase tension. Sentences such as "You don't help at all" and "I'm tired too" can become more frequent. In this period, partners being able to support each other matters for the wellbeing not only of the baby but of the family as a whole.
The family in Turkey. Parents coming for a few weeks or months after the birth can be a great help. But these visits also require roles in the home, parenting decisions and privacy to be renegotiated. While receiving help, coping with criticism such as "That's not how you look after a baby" can be tiring.
The new mother's mental health. The postnatal period is an emotionally sensitive time for many women. A limited support network, together with loneliness and a language barrier, can raise the risk of struggling in this period. New fathers can also experience anxiety and tiredness in this process; their needs should not be overlooked either.
Suppose a couple living in the Netherlands is expecting their first baby. The expectant mother's own mother plans to come for two months after the birth. The first weeks pass with help, but after the grandmother goes home the house suddenly goes quiet. The father returns to work, and the mother is left alone with the baby all day. She finds it hard to join Dutch-speaking parent groups and feels increasingly lonely. This fictional example shows that support needs to be planned not only for the moment of birth but for the months that follow. For more on parents' loneliness abroad, you can look at the article on parents' loneliness abroad.
Preparing to Have a Child Abroad: What You Can Do on Your Own
1. Talk about the decision together and openly. Share honestly, both of you, your expectations, fears and level of readiness. Before asking "When?", talk about "Why and how?"
2. Draw your support map. For the first year after the birth, write down who you can get support from, when and with what: family visits, friends, neighbours, local midwife and baby care services, parent groups.
3. Research local resources in advance. Getting to know the antenatal and postnatal services, parenting classes and child health system of the country you live in before the birth reduces uncertainty anxiety. If language is a difficulty, ask whether interpreter support is available.
4. Reach out to Turkish parent networks. Turkish parent groups in your city, mother-and-baby meet-ups or Turkish-language playgroups can offer both practical information and emotional support.
5. Plan family visits. Talk beforehand about when the parents will come, how long they will stay and what roles they will take on in the home. Clarifying expectations reduces tension during the visit.
6. Think about sharing the household in advance. Make a plan before the birth for night wakings, housework and baby care. Accept that the plan will be flexible, but do not leave the sharing undiscussed.
7. Protect your time as a couple. Plan time that belongs only to the two of you, however short. A walk, a quiet dinner or a ten-minute chat after putting the baby to bed nourishes your relationship.
8. Decide on an approach to language and culture. Think together about which language you will speak with your child at home and how you will pass on Turkish culture. Rather than strict rules, it is important to find an approach that suits you.
9. Be compassionate towards yourself. Being a parent abroad carries different difficulties from being a parent in Turkey. You don't have to do everything perfectly. Asking for help is not a shortcoming but part of healthy parenting. Asking a neighbour to keep an eye on the baby for an hour, or telling a friend "I'm exhausted today", are small but valuable ways of sharing the load.
For more information on the birth process itself abroad, you can read the article on giving birth abroad.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Struggling in the process of having a child abroad does not mean you will not be a good parent. It is important to consider professional support in the following situations:
- If the decision to have a child is causing intense anxiety, constant arguments or the couple drifting apart
- If low mood, intense anxiety, bouts of crying or emotional detachment from the baby continue for weeks during pregnancy or after the birth
- If there are marked changes in sleep and appetite, or intense feelings of guilt or worthlessness
- If feelings of loneliness markedly affect your daily functioning
- If conflicts between partners are increasing and seem unresolvable
- If thoughts of harming yourself or the baby come to mind
In a crisis, or if there is a risk of harm, call the emergency number of the country you are in immediately: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary. During pregnancy and after the birth, the midwife, obstetrician and family doctor in the country you live in are also important points of contact; psychological difficulties in this period should be shared with them too.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Native Language Work?
Concepts such as lohusalık (the postpartum period), kırk çıkarma (the traditional 40-day postpartum milestone), a grandmother's support, "what will people say?" (elâlem) and "it would be shameful" (ayıp) hold an important place in the inner world of many people preparing for parenthood abroad. Being understood in your own language without having to explain these concepts can help you express your worries and dilemmas more comfortably. You can find more detail on this on the Turks abroad page.
In a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)-based approach, the following areas can be addressed:
- Managing anxiety in the decision process: Tolerating uncertainty and realistically assessing thoughts such as "We can't start unless everything is ready."
- Values-based decision making: The couple making their decision in line with their own values and priorities.
- Postnatal adjustment: Coping skills for adjusting to new roles, sleeplessness and a changed daily life.
- Boundaries with family: Striking a balance between help and privacy with the family in Turkey.
- Couple communication: Talking about the sharing of responsibility and feelings without blame.
Online sessions can make it easier for parents busy with baby care to get support without leaving the house. A quiet and private room, headphones and a secure connection are enough. With the time difference in mind, a session time that fits the baby's sleep schedule can be set. Payment can be made online; for insurance reimbursement, you need to check the insurance conditions in the country you live in. For details, you can look at the online therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is having a child far from family really that hard?
The difficulties are real; a limited support network can be tiring, especially in the first months. However, many couples manage this process successfully by planning in advance, using local resources and building their own support network. Being aware of the difficulties is the first step in preparing.
My family is pressuring us to have a child. What can we do?
The family's wish often comes from love and from missing grandchildren; but the decision belongs to the couple. You can tell your family kindly but clearly that you will decide in your own time. If the pressure creates tension between the two of you, it helps to agree on a shared stance with your partner first.
How does having a child abroad affect the child's identity?
Children growing up abroad often develop an identity nourished by more than one culture. This brings richness as well as challenges. Speaking Turkish at home, sharing family stories and keeping ties with Turkey alive can help the child get to know their roots.
I feel very lonely after the birth. Is this normal?
Feeling lonely in the postnatal period is common, especially among parents living far from family. Local parent groups, Turkish mother-and-baby meet-ups and regular video calls can ease this feeling. If loneliness continues for weeks together with low mood, hopelessness or a feeling of detachment from the baby, seeking professional support is recommended.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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