Did I Uproot My Child? Immigrant Parent Guilt

Why does parent guilt intensify abroad? Read about the fear of uprooting your child and how to turn this guilt into healthy, balanced responsibility.

Your child comes home from school and tells you something in the language of the country you live in. They cannot find a Turkish word, and foreign words slip in. On the phone with their grandmother, they give short answers; they are a stranger to the religious-festival memories she tells, the neighbourhood games, the summer holidays spent with cousins. One evening they turn to you and ask: "Why don't we live in Turkey?" or "What am I, really?" Something aches inside you: "Did I uproot them? Am I raising them far from their grandmother, grandfather, cousins and language?" Parent guilt is a heavy feeling that many mothers and fathers raising children abroad carry silently. In this article we look at what immigrant parent guilt is, the thoughts and behaviours through which it shows itself, its effect on the child and the family, and concrete ways to turn this feeling into healthy responsibility.

What Is Immigrant Parent Guilt?

Parent guilt is the intense and recurring feeling of guilt that mothers and fathers have when they think they are not doing well enough for their child, have harmed them or have withheld something from them. Many parents, whatever their country, experience this feeling from time to time.

In immigrant parents, though, guilt takes a special form. The decision to migrate is usually the parents' decision; the child has either had very little say in it or none at all. For this reason, a parent may question the decision to migrate with every difficulty the child goes through: a struggle at school, language confusion, loneliness, an experience of discrimination or weakening ties with family in Turkey can trigger the thought "I put them through this."

Beneath this feeling usually lie the following worries:

• Fear that the child will lose Turkish and Turkish culture
• Concern that their bond with their grandparents and extended family will weaken
• Fear that the child will experience an identity confusion "between two cultures"
• Carrying responsibility for the adjustment difficulties migration has caused the child
• The feeling that, because of their own exhaustion, they cannot give the child enough time

Guilt, to a certain extent and when guided in the right direction, is a useful feeling: it draws attention to your values and priorities. But when it becomes intense and constant, it both wears the parent out and makes the relationship with the child harder.

What Are the Signs of Parent Guilt?

Emotional signs

• Blaming yourself inwardly at every difficulty your child has
• Sadness and a pang of conscience after video calls with family in Turkey
• Intense sadness or anger when the child does not speak Turkish or shows no interest in Turkish culture
• The question "Am I a bad mother/father?" coming to mind often

Thinking-related signs

• The thought "Everything would be better if we were in Turkey"
• Catastrophic scenarios about the child's future
• Constant comparison with other families, especially with the children of relatives in Turkey
• The thought "I uprooted them" going round and round in the mind

Behavioural signs

• Buying the child excessive gifts, meeting their every wish, struggling to set boundaries
• Putting excessive pressure on Turkish and Turkish culture
• Or, conversely, closing the subject completely so as not to feel the guilt
• Completely postponing your own needs and rest

Physical signs

• Sleep problems
• Constant tension and fatigue
• Stress-related complaints such as headaches and stomach aches

These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis. But if guilt is noticeably affecting your daily life and your relationship with your child, it can be useful to work on it.

Causes of Immigrant Parent Guilt and the Cultural Context

Extended family culture. In Turkish culture, raising a child is often a process that includes not only the mother and father but also grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and neighbours. Abroad, the absence of this support network both increases the parent's practical burden and feeds the feeling that "My child is missing out on this love."

The words of elders. Remarks from family members in Turkey such as "You're raising our grandchild far away from us," "The child has forgotten Turkish," or "Children there grow up without morals" can deepen guilt, even when they come from good intentions or from longing.

The parent's own migration experience. The parent is also trying to adjust to the new country, learn the language, find work and cope with their own loneliness. Within their own difficulties, they may feel that they cannot support their child enough.

Loss and grief. Migration involves many losses for the parent too: distance from their own parents, old friendships, familiar streets. This grief is often not fully experienced and may be projected onto the child in the form of guilt: "I lost, and they are losing too."

Idealisation. Parents may idealise their own childhoods, neighbourhood life in Turkey, crowded family tables. Yet childhood in today's Turkey has changed too. What the child is "missing" in reality often gets mixed up with the parent's own nostalgia.

The pressure to be the perfect parent. Social media and parenting content can create an image of a parent who never makes mistakes and keeps up with everything. Abroad, this pressure can turn into the expectation "I must raise a child who is bilingual, successful and attached to their culture all at once."

Let's say a father living in Brussels learns that his son was mocked by a classmate about his name. That evening he cannot sleep; the thought "I put him through this, if we weren't here this wouldn't have happened" keeps going through his mind. The next day he says sharply to his son, "If anything like that happens again, tell me right away"; the child, seeing his father's sad and tense face, decides not to tell next time. The father's guilt, contrary to his intention, makes it harder for the child to ask him for support. Yet when the same father says calmly, "Thank you for telling me this, let's think together about what we can do," the child can experience both trust and a sense of a solution.

The Effect of Parent Guilt on the Child and Family

In the relationship with the child. A parent in intense guilt may struggle to set boundaries. With the thought "I've already put them through enough," rules can loosen. This can weaken the structure and sense of security the child needs. Some parents, conversely, may behave excessively rigidly about Turkish and cultural values to make up for the guilt; this can lead the child to develop resistance to their Turkish identity.

In the child's emotional world. Children easily sense their parents' feelings. A parent who is constantly sad and blames themselves can lead a child to think "I'm a burden" or "I mustn't upset my mum/dad." The child may avoid sharing their own difficulties.

In the couple's relationship. Depending on which partner wanted the migration more, guilt can turn into blame between spouses: "We came because of you." This makes it harder to develop a shared stance in parenting.

In the relationship with family in Turkey. Guilt can make every conversation with family in Turkey tense. The parent may become defensive against the elders' comments, or may accept them entirely and blame themselves even more.

The sturdiest root you can give your child is not a geography; it is the love you feel for them, the secure bond you build with them and the values you share.

What You Can Do to Cope with Parent Guilt

1. Separate guilt from responsibility

Ask yourself: "In this situation, what is truly my responsibility, and what is not?" You cannot go back and change your decision to migrate; but how you build a relationship with your child today is in your hands. Guilt looks to the past, responsibility looks to the present.

2. Remember the reasons for your decision to migrate

Write down why you moved: better education, job opportunities, safety, family reunification, personal reasons... Remembering these reasons can help you see that your decision was a considered one, made with love.

3. See what your child has gained too

While focusing on your child's losses, do not overlook their gains: more than one language, knowing different cultures, flexibility, adaptability, a broad outlook on the world. These too are valuable parts of their life.

4. Pass on roots with love, not pressure

Offer Turkish and Turkish culture not as an obligation but as an enjoyable shared activity: Turkish fairy tales, folk songs, cooking together, celebrating religious festivals, regular and pleasant video calls with family in Turkey. You can find practical suggestions on this in our article on bilingual children.

5. Actively nurture the bond with elders

Do not leave your child's relationship with their grandmother and grandfather to holidays alone. You can build rituals such as short weekly calls, reading books together, telling fairy tales and sending drawings. You can gently ask the elders to show love and curiosity towards the child rather than criticism.

6. Make room for your child's feelings

When your child says "Why don't we live in Turkey?" or "I feel different here," listen without becoming defensive. A sentence such as "It's completely understandable that you feel this, can you tell me more?" shows the child that their feelings are accepted.

7. Do not give up setting boundaries

Guilt should not lead you to loosen boundaries. Children feel safer with consistent rules and loving boundaries. This is true for every child, whether they have migrated or not.

8. Show yourself compassion too

There is no perfect parent; "good enough" parenting is sufficient for a child's healthy development. Give yourself permission to accept your tiredness, your limits and your mistakes. Resting, getting social support and meeting your own needs enable you to take better care of your child.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Getting support from a specialist may be helpful in the following situations:

• If the feeling of guilt is on your mind almost every day and wearing you out
• If you struggle to set boundaries or build closeness in your relationship with your child
• If you constantly argue with your partner because of the decision to migrate
• If you are experiencing low mood, anxiety or sleep problems
• If you observe signs in your child such as difficulty adjusting, withdrawal, school refusal, angry outbursts or intense anxiety

If you have concerns about your child, it may be worth considering age-appropriate support for them as well. Child and play therapy can help young children express their feelings through play. School counsellors and child mental health services in the country where you live are also important resources.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, or if there is an urgent situation concerning your child's safety, immediately call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.

For options for support in your mother tongue, you can look at the page on psychological support for Turks abroad.

How Is Parent Guilt Addressed in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?

When working with immigrant parent guilt, an approach based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is often used.

Examining guilt-related thoughts. Thoughts such as "I uprooted my child" or "Everything would be better if we were in Turkey" are evaluated together with their evidence and alternatives. How much of these thoughts is the truth and how much reflects anxiety is discussed.

The responsibility pie. The causes of a difficulty the child is going through are divided into slices like a pie chart: the school environment, the stage of age, the child's temperament, environmental factors, parental attitudes... This exercise makes it easier to see that taking on all of the guilt alone is not realistic.

Parenting skills. Concrete skills are worked on in setting boundaries, feeling-focused conversation and spending quality time with the child.

Working with schemas. In some parents, early patterns such as "self-sacrifice" or "high standards" can feed guilt. Noticing these patterns helps develop a more flexible parenting approach.

Evaluating the cultural context together. Extended family expectations, the words of elders and the cultural meanings of the concept of a "good mother/father" can be discussed without needing to be explained in a foreign language.

Sessions can be planned as online therapy, taking into account the time difference and children's sleeping hours. A quiet room where children cannot hear, headphones and a secure connection are recommended during the session. Payment is made online; TL pricing and payment by international card are possible. For insurance reimbursement, we recommend checking the insurance conditions in the country where you live.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does raising a child abroad harm the child?

Growing up abroad does not in itself harm a child. Many children gain rich experiences by growing up with more than one culture. What is decisive in a child's well-being is the secure bond with the parent, the family's support and the acceptance of the child's feelings.

My child does not want to speak Turkish. Is it my fault?

This is seen in many bilingual families and is often related to the child's developmental stage, school environment or circle of friends. Supporting Turkish through enjoyable activities rather than pressure is generally more effective. Instead of blaming yourself, trying new ways is more useful.

How can I cope with the blaming words of grandparents?

It can help to remember that these words often come from longing. You can express your feelings calmly and set a boundary: "We miss you very much too, but these words upset me a lot. Let's set up a routine where you can talk to your grandchild more." It also helps to suggest concrete ways for the elders to bond with the child.

Is it necessary to go to therapy for parent guilt?

Not every feeling of guilt requires therapy. But if guilt has become constant and is noticeably affecting your parenting decisions and mood, therapy can help you make sense of this feeling and develop a more balanced parenting approach.

• #parent guilt
• #immigrant family
• #raising children abroad
• #Turks abroad

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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