Why does making friends as an adult get harder? Read about the psychology of making new friends and keeping existing friendships, with practical steps.
During our school years, making friends happened almost by itself: you sat at the same desk, played ball together at break, rode the same school bus, and after a while found yourself with a best friend. In adulthood, between work, home, responsibilities and tiredness, building a new friendship often seems almost impossible. From their thirties onwards, many people notice that their circle of friends narrows, that meetings with old friends grow less frequent, and that even when they meet new people the relationship stays on the surface. In this article we look step by step at why friendship gets harder in adulthood, how a good friendship forms psychologically, and what you can do both to build new friendships and to keep the ones you have.
Why Is Friendship So Important?
Friendship often stays in the shadow of romantic relationships and family ties. Yet studies in psychology consistently show that strong social bonds are among the most important protective factors for mental health and overall wellbeing. Supportive friendships make it easier to cope with stress, increase resilience in difficult periods and protect against the feeling of loneliness.
Friendship also has a value of its own: unlike family, it is a chosen relationship. Unlike a romantic relationship, the burden of expectation and possessiveness is also often lighter. With a friend we can be ourselves and step a little away from our different roles. For this reason, the lack of friendship can create a deep sense of emptiness even in the fullest periods of life. We described how this emptiness feels in detail in our article on the feeling of loneliness.
Why Does Making Friends Get Harder in Adulthood?
The reason it gets harder to make friends in adulthood is often not a personal shortcoming but a change in the structure of life. In social psychology, it is known that certain conditions are important for close relationships to form.
1. Proximity and repeated encounters decrease
People bond more easily with those they run into often and without planning. According to the principle known in psychology as the "mere exposure effect", the more we see a person, the more inclined we are to develop warm feelings towards them. School and university provide these repeated encounters naturally. In adulthood, each meeting requires a plan, a calendar and often a budget.
2. Time and energy are limited
The limited time left between workload, long commutes, childcare and household responsibilities is mostly given to family and rest. Research shows that turning an ordinary acquaintance into a close friendship requires a significant amount of time spent together. In adulthood this time does not appear by itself; it has to be set aside deliberately. What is more, in periods when the cost of living is felt strongly, eating out, going to a café or taking part in events can strain the budget, so many people put off social meetings. Low-cost meetings such as inviting someone round for tea, a walk in the park or cooking together are practical ways of overcoming this obstacle.
3. Life stages drift apart
While one of your close friends marries and has children, another may move abroad and another may enter an intense period in their career. Being in different life stages reduces shared agendas and can thin out meetings.
4. Migration and moving cities
In recent years many people in Turkey have changed cities for work, education or living conditions. Families who moved from the earthquake zone to other provinces after the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, those who moved from big cities to quieter ones, and young people who emigrated abroad have all experienced the difficulty of building a social circle from scratch in a new place. Making friends in a new city also means rebuilding a sense of belonging. We discuss this in our article on moving to a new city.
5. Fear of rejection and the "liking gap"
Adults are more wary of rejection than children are. Thoughts such as "Would it be strange if I asked them for coffee?" and "Maybe they wouldn't want to be friends with me" prevent taking the first step. Social psychology studies also show that after a conversation with someone they have just met, people tend to underestimate how much the other person likes them. This finding is called the "liking gap". In other words, you are probably liked more than you think.
How Does a Friendship Deepen Psychologically?
What turns an acquaintance into a friendship, beyond time spent together, is mutual self-disclosure. According to the approach known in social psychology as social penetration theory, relationships progress gradually from superficial information towards more personal subjects. When one person shares something a little more personal about themselves and the other receives it with interest and responds with a similar disclosure, trust is built.
This process has three basic components:
- Sharing: Being able to open up about your feelings, your experiences, even your small difficulties.
- Responsiveness: Trying to understand what the other person shares, showing interest, not judging.
- Reciprocity: The relationship not being one-sided; both sides being able to give as well as receive.
Say you have a colleague at work whom you have been going to lunch with for a few months. Your conversations are always limited to work, the weather and traffic. One day you tell them that your mother was taken into hospital at the weekend and that it has worn you out. They listen with interest, ask a few days later how your mother is, and share that they went through something similar with their father. From that moment the tone of your relationship may change; you are no longer just "work friends" but two people who touch each other's lives. This example shows how a small but sincere disclosure, and a responsive reply to it, can transform an acquaintance.
Friendship often grows not through grand gestures but through small, repeated moments of attention.
How to Make New Friends: Step-by-Step Suggestions
1. Choose recurring settings
Taking part in regularly recurring settings rather than one-off events is one of the most effective ways of building friendship. A weekly running group, a language course, a choir, volunteering, a book club or a crafts workshop lets you meet the same people again and again. Courses at municipal cultural centres and public education centres can offer low-cost options.
2. Keep the first step small
Instead of saying "Shall we be friends?", make a small, concrete invitation: "Shall we have a tea after class?", "I'm going to the market on Saturday, would you like to come?" Small invitations reduce both your anxiety and the pressure on the other person.
3. Set yourself a "follow-up rule"
Do not leave meeting someone you have just met and felt good with to chance. Make it a rule to send a short message within a week of meeting: "Our last chat was really enjoyable, let's do it again sometime." Many potential friendships end before they begin because both sides wait for the other to take the first step.
4. Ask questions with curiosity
In conversations, do not stop at "What do you do?" Open-ended questions such as "What's exciting you most these days?" and "What's your favourite place in this city?" make room for the other person to share more. Listen carefully to the answers and remember them at the next meeting: "Last time you said you had an exam, how did it go?" This small remembering is one of the strongest signs that you care.
5. Share a part of yourself too
Friendship deepens not only through listening but through being seen. Try sharing more personal subjects gradually: a small difficulty you had one week, a memory you love another day. You do not have to tell everything at once; going step by step protects trust.
6. Work gently with social anxiety
If the idea of meeting new people creates intense anxiety in you, start with small steps. For example, in the first week aim only to attend an event, and in the second week to have a short chat with one person. Remember that anxiety grows when you avoid and shrinks when you face. If the anxiety is very intense, our article on social phobia can guide you.
7. Draw a "friendship map"
Write your own name in the middle of a sheet of paper. Draw three rings around it: in the innermost ring, write the people you feel closest to; in the middle one, those you see occasionally and might want to get closer to; and in the outermost, your acquaintances. Then choose one or two people from the middle ring and plan a small contact with them this month. This exercise shows that you often do not need to start from scratch, and that you can revive ties that are already in your life but have been neglected.
What Can You Do to Keep Existing Friendships Going?
Keeping friendships that have lasted for years alive takes effort, just as new friendships do.
- Create rituals: Regular meetings such as breakfast on the first Saturday of the month or a phone call every month reduce the burden of planning.
- Do not underestimate small contacts: A short message such as "I thought of you when I heard this song" makes the bond feel alive.
- Be flexible about different life stages: Visiting a friend who has become a new parent at their home instead of meeting out can keep the relationship going.
- Talk about hurts: Not voicing a hurt often leads to a silent drifting apart. Speaking without blame, in "I" language, can repair the relationship.
- Do not see distance as an end: Regular video calls with friends in other cities or countries, watching a series together or reading the same book can keep the bond alive.
Not every friendship has to last for ever
Some friendships belong to a certain period of life and may fade naturally. Rather than seeing this as a failure, acknowledging what they gave you at that time makes it easier to make room for new relationships. Moving away from a relationship that constantly belittles you, violates your boundaries or only takes is also a way of protecting yourself.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Struggling to make friends is a very common experience and is not on its own a sign of a problem. However, talking to a specialist can be useful in the following situations:
- If you have felt deeply lonely for a long time,
- If you experience intense anxiety, shame or fear of being judged in social settings and avoid people because of it,
- If you notice that your friendships keep ending in a similar way (for example with resentment, conflict or your withdrawal),
- If you find it very hard to trust people and pull back as you get closer,
- If the feeling of loneliness is accompanied by hopelessness, lack of motivation and not being able to enjoy things.
These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; but they show that getting support can make the process easier.
How Are Difficulties with Friendship and Social Relationships Addressed in Therapy?
In individual therapy, first of all the person's experiences in social relationships, and the thoughts and feelings that accompany these experiences, are explored. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps in noticing and questioning automatic thoughts such as "People get bored of me" and "They won't like me". Avoidance behaviours are reduced gradually; the person gains new experiences by taking small social steps.
In the schema therapy approach, schemas such as social isolation or defectiveness are addressed. As the origins of deep beliefs such as "I don't belong to any group" or "If they see the real me, they'll pull away" are understood, the person can be more open and relaxed in relationships. The therapeutic relationship itself also contributes to this process by offering an experience of a safe relationship.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it possible to make new friends after your thirties?
Yes, it is possible. It just does not happen by itself as it did in school years; it takes deliberate effort, regular settings and patience. Recurring activities based on shared interests are one of the most productive ways of building friendship in adulthood.
I'm always the one who calls and the other person never does. What should I do?
You can talk about this by expressing your feelings without blaming: "I care about you a lot, but I feel as though I'm usually the one who takes the first step." The other person may not be aware of it. If nothing changes, you can reassess how much energy you want to give this relationship.
Do friendships made online count as real friendships?
Friendships formed in online settings can also be meaningful and supportive. Communities that form around shared interests in particular let people feel understood. Where possible, supporting these relationships from time to time with face-to-face meetings or video calls strengthens the bond.
I'm an introvert. Is it a problem not to have many friends?
No. What matters is not the number of your friends but whether your relationships do you good. A few close and reliable friendships can be more nourishing than many superficial relationships.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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