Is seeing a psychologist shameful? Read about the causes of mental health stigma among Turks abroad, its effect on families and ways to overcome shame.
"Are you mad? What business do you have with a psychologist?", "We don't have things like that in our family, you just put up with it and it passes", "Please, don't let anyone hear about this." If you have heard one of these sentences, or thought it yourself, you are not alone. Many Turks living abroad consider getting support when they are struggling, but the first question that comes to mind is often this: Is seeing a psychologist shameful? Abroad, this question can become even more complicated: fear of gossip within the Turkish community you live in combines with the difficulty of looking for help in an unfamiliar system. In this article we look at what mental health stigma is, why it can feel stronger abroad, and ways of looking after yourself despite the feeling of shame.
Is Seeing a Psychologist Shameful? What Is Stigma?
Stigma is when a person is negatively labelled, excluded or looked down on by society because of a particular characteristic or situation. In the field of mental health, stigma can show up as people who receive psychological support being seen as "weak", "unstable" or "troubled".
Stigma can be experienced in two ways:
- Social stigma: Negative attitudes towards mental health problems and therapy among the people around you. For example, the idea that "A person who sees a psychologist is a person who can't solve their own problems."
- Internalised stigma: The person takes these negative attitudes inside and comes to see themselves in this way. For example, the thought "I used to be strong, and if I need a psychologist now it must mean I've grown weak."
Internalised stigma can often be more powerful than social stigma, because the person judges themselves and puts off asking for help even if no one says anything.
To give a short answer: No, seeing a psychologist is not shameful. Just as you go to a doctor when your body falls ill, getting support from a professional when you are struggling emotionally is a way of looking after yourself. But knowing this sentence and genuinely feeling it are different things; this is why it matters to understand where stigma comes from.
Signs of Stigma Abroad
Stigma does not always show itself through words that are said openly. Sometimes it sits quietly in our behaviour and thoughts. You can watch for the following signs:
- Noticing that you are struggling but waiting for weeks, even months, saying "it will pass"
- Hiding from your family or friends that you are going to therapy
- Fearing that someone from the Turkish community will see you at a psychologist's office
- Expressing your emotional distress only as physical complaints ("My stomach hurts", "I feel dizzy")
- Belittling your own problems by saying "What's my trouble, others are worse off"
- Opposing your spouse or child getting support because "it would be shameful"
- Starting therapy and then giving it up after a few sessions because of shame
- Quickly changing the subject when psychological support comes up
One of the hardest aspects of stigma is that the price of putting off getting help is often paid silently. A person lives for years with sleeplessness, tension or unhappiness, explaining it away as "that's just my character" or "the fate of living abroad". Yet some of these difficulties can ease with the right support, and a person's quality of life can improve markedly. Noticing these signs in yourself should not make you feel guilty. They are very common reactions that we learn from the environment we grew up in.
Why Does the Question "Is Seeing a Psychologist Shameful?" Weigh More Heavily Abroad?
Small, close-knit communities. Some Turkish communities abroad, especially in small towns, have very close relationships. In an environment where everyone knows everyone and you keep running into each other at weddings, at the mosque, at associations or at the supermarket, the worry "What will they say if it gets out?" can be felt more intensely.
The pressure to be "strong" abroad. Many people who have migrated see staying on their feet, supporting their family and being successful despite difficult conditions as a matter of honour. The thought "I've faced so much hardship, am I going to give up now?" can make asking for help feel like defeat.
Responsibility towards family in Turkey. Fear of the criticism "If he's struggling abroad, why did he go?" can lead a person to hide their difficulties from their family in Turkey. They always say "Everything is fine" on the phone and cannot share the load they carry with anyone.
Generational differences. For first-generation migrants, psychological support can often be an unfamiliar concept viewed with suspicion. The second and third generations, influenced by the more open attitude of the country they live in, may look on therapy more positively. This difference can cause tension in the family: a young person wants to get support while the parents oppose it.
Gender expectations. Stereotypes such as "real men don't cry" and "a woman should be patient" can make it hard for both men and women to express their feelings and ask for support. For the particular difficulties men face, you can look at our article on migrant men and emotions.
Misinformation and fears. Fears such as "If I go to a psychologist, they'll give me medication", "I'll get a 'mad' report" and "They'll take my child away" can prevent people from seeking help. Most of these fears are based on misinformation. Even learning the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist can reduce some of the worry; our article on the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist can be a guide here.
The Effect on Family, Relationships and Children
Stigma affects not only the individual but the whole family. Problems that go unsupported can build up over time and spill into relationships within the family.
Between couples: Problems in a marriage may not be talked about because of the idea that they "should stay within the family". A suggestion of couples therapy may be rejected by some partners with "Are we going to expose our marriage to outsiders?" Yet accumulated resentments can grow into a greater distance over time.
For children: Difficulties children experience (exclusion at school, anxiety, attention problems, tantrums) may be brushed aside as "they'll grow out of it" or "just spoiled behaviour". Say the nine-year-old son of a family living in Germany does not want to go to school every morning because of a stomach ache. The school suggests referring the child to a specialist, but the father objects, saying "My son is not mad." Yet what the child is experiencing may be school-related anxiety, and early support can allow the problem to be addressed before it grows.
Passing down from generation to generation: Children growing up in a family where feelings are not talked about and difficulties are hidden may learn the same attitude. Parents taking their own mental health seriously can be a powerful example for children.
What You Can Do on Your Own: Steps to Overcome Shame
- Notice your own thoughts. Write down the first thoughts that come to mind about psychological support: "It shows I'm weak", "My family will be ashamed". Then ask each of them: "Is this thought true, or is it a belief I learned?"
- Use an analogy. When your arm is broken, you do not consider going to a doctor shameful. Emotional struggles are real experiences that may also need support. This analogy can be useful when explaining to yourself and to those around you.
- Share with someone you trust. You do not have to tell everyone. But sharing your thoughts with a close friend, sibling or partner can lighten your load.
- Get accurate information. Learning how therapy works, the principle of confidentiality and the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist can reduce some of the fears.
- Start with a small step. If starting therapy straight away feels hard, you can begin with small steps such as first reading a reliable article about mental health, having an introductory meeting or talking to your family doctor.
- Remember that confidentiality belongs to you. You decide who knows that you are going to therapy. Online therapy can offer the chance to meet from home for those who worry about privacy.
- Approach yourself with compassion. Instead of blaming yourself with "I've put it off for so long", appreciate yourself for considering taking a step now.
- Remember the positive examples around you. Perhaps someone you know has received support and benefited. These examples can remind you that therapy is not "shameful" but a human need.
If you want to tell your family
If you decide to share with your family that you have started therapy, doing so at a calm moment and in short, clear sentences can make things easier. For example: "I've been very tired lately and my sleep has been disrupted. I'm talking to a psychologist so that I can cope with it better. It's doing me good." This kind of explanation helps you convey it without dramatising the subject or becoming defensive.
Your family may react negatively at first: "What for?", "We struggled too, but we didn't go to a psychologist." These reactions often come not from a lack of love but from worry or a lack of information. Instead of getting into an argument, it may be more helpful to say "I understand you're worried, but this is a helpful step for me" and to reopen the subject over time. Some families begin to look on therapy more warmly as they see positive changes in the person. Remember, your family's approval can be valuable, but you do not need it in order to look after yourself.
Asking for help is not weakness; it is care shown towards yourself and the people you love.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
In the following situations, despite any feeling of shame, we recommend considering talking to a professional:
- Sadness, listlessness or hopelessness lasting longer than two weeks
- Marked changes in your sleep, appetite and energy
- Frequent panic attacks or constant anxiety
- Difficulty meeting your work, parenting or daily responsibilities
- Trying to relieve yourself with alcohol or other substances
- Long-lasting behaviour changes, school refusal or withdrawal in your child
- Constantly recurring conflicts with your spouse that cannot be resolved
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, do not let the feeling of shame stop you. Call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and psychiatric services are necessary.
Family doctors, school counsellors and mental health services in the country where you live are important resources. Support in your mother tongue is an option that can be used alongside them.
How Does Mother-Tongue Online Therapy Work?
For many people who worry about stigma while living abroad, online therapy in their mother tongue can be an option in terms of both privacy and being understood. Being able to meet from home without being seen by anyone can reduce the worry "Will someone see me?" Being able to talk without having to explain the weight of ideas such as "ayıp" (shameful), "elâlem ne der" (what will people say) and "aile içinde kalsın" (let it stay in the family) can also make it easier for some clients to open up. This may not apply to everyone, but it is an option worth knowing about.
Work in mother-tongue online therapy usually proceeds like this:
- First meeting and building trust: How therapy works, the principle of confidentiality and the legal limits of confidentiality are discussed openly. Your worries about stigma can also be a subject of this meeting.
- Work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Thoughts such as "Getting support is weakness" or "I'll shame my family" are examined, and the evidence for these thoughts and their effect on you are evaluated.
- Working with shame: You notice how shame shows up in the body and in behaviour, and with compassion-focused approaches a more understanding attitude towards yourself is developed.
- Working on the underlying problem: The issues that brought you to therapy, such as anxiety, depression, relationship problems or adjustment to migration, are addressed.
- Communication with family: If you wish, work can also be done on how you might share with your family that you have started therapy.
For online sessions, a quiet, private room, headphones and a secure internet connection are enough. A suitable time is set with the time difference in mind. Payment is made online; pricing is in TL and payment with an international card is possible. You need to check your insurance terms in the country where you live regarding reimbursement. For more information, you can look at our pages on online therapy and Turks living abroad.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is seeing a psychologist shameful, and what happens if my family finds out?
Seeing a psychologist is not shameful; getting support for emotional struggles is as natural as going to a doctor for a physical complaint. You decide whether or not to share with your family that you are going to therapy. If you want to share it, you can plan together in therapy how to do so.
Will I be given medication if I see a psychologist?
Psychologists do not prescribe medication; therapy is based on talking and building skills. If a medication assessment is needed, it is carried out by a psychiatrist, and the decision is always made together with you.
Will what I say in therapy be heard in the Turkish community?
What is shared in therapy is subject to the principle of confidentiality and is not shared with anyone without your permission. The legal limits of confidentiality (for example, a serious risk to life) are discussed openly in the first meeting.
My partner is against therapy; what can I do?
Rather than trying to convince your partner, it may be more effective to express your own needs first. You can start getting support individually, listen to your partner's concerns and, over time, consider couples sessions together.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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