Why do migrant men struggle to talk about feelings? Read about the provider role, anger, loneliness, hidden depression signs and how to get support abroad.
Picture a man who leaves for work early in the morning, comes home tired in the evening, and thinks about the bills, the rent and the needs of the family in Turkey, but who, when asked "How are you?", always says "I'm fine, we're getting by." Perhaps this is you, perhaps your father, your partner or your brother. Migrant men often carry the burden of life abroad in silence. For men who grew up with sayings like "A real man doesn't complain" and "Crying is for women", and who are now fighting to stay afloat in a foreign country, talking about feelings is both hard and, very often, unfamiliar. In this article we look at the emotional world of migrant men, the signs of struggle that stay hidden, and concrete ways of looking after yourself.
Why Do Migrant Men Find It Hard to Express Their Feelings?
Finding it hard to express feelings is not unique to migrant men; in many cultures, men grow up being steered towards hiding their emotions. But life abroad brings additional layers that can deepen this difficulty.
In Turkish culture, masculinity is often associated with strength, resilience, being the head of the family and solving problems on your own. These values have positive sides: taking responsibility, standing by your family, not giving up in the face of hardship. But when these values become rigid, a man does not allow himself to show "weakness"; he keeps fear, sadness, longing and helplessness hidden inside.
Abroad, this need to hide can grow even stronger:
- The family relies on him and he "must not fall apart".
- Because of language and cultural differences, there are few people he can talk to about his troubles.
- Telling his family in Turkey that he is struggling can invite the question "Why did you go?"
- Appearing strong and competent at work sometimes feels like a way of keeping the job.
As a result, many men can carry the load they bear for years without sharing it with anyone. This silence is sometimes passed from first-generation fathers to second-generation sons. A son who watches his father work hard jobs for years without complaint may think, in his own difficult moments, "My dad never cried, so why should I?" Yet the father's silence has often come not from strength but from not finding a space and a language in which to express his feelings. Noticing this cycle can be the first step towards breaking it.
Signs of Struggle That Stay Hidden in Migrant Men
Emotional struggle in men does not always appear as sadness or crying. It very often takes on other guises. It is important to watch for the following signs:
- Anger and irritability: Overreacting to small things, frequently shouting at a partner or children.
- Burying yourself in work: Overtime, working weekends, finding excuses not to be at home.
- Turning to alcohol or other substances: Habits that start "just to relax a bit" increasing over time.
- Physical complaints: Constant headaches, stomach problems, back pain, a feeling of tightness in the chest.
- Withdrawal: Giving up seeing friends, going quiet in the family, sitting for hours in front of the phone or television.
- Risky behaviour: Driving fast, gambling, sudden and ill-considered spending.
- Sleep problems: Being unable to fall asleep, waking often at night, or waking very early in the morning and being unable to go back to sleep.
- A sense of worthlessness: Thoughts like "I'm no use to anyone" and "I'm a burden on my family".
- Being unable to enjoy things: No longer taking pleasure in things he used to like, such as a football match, fishing or chatting with friends.
These symptoms on their own do not mean a diagnosis. But if they have continued for a few weeks, they may mean that something like depression is showing itself in the way it often does in men. In men, depression is often recognised less through sadness than through anger, fatigue and withdrawal. For support options on depression and mood, you can look at the page on depression and mood.
Causes and Cultural Context: The Provider Role, Status and Loneliness
The weight of the provider role. For a significant number of migrant men, the main purpose of migrating is to give their family a better life. This responsibility is as heavy as it is meaningful. Losing a job, experiencing financial difficulty or not achieving the expected success can lead a man to feel "inadequate" and "a failure".
Loss of professional status. Men who held a respected position in Turkey as a teacher, engineer or tradesman, and who have had to work in a very different job abroad because their qualifications were not recognised, can experience a deep loss of identity and status. The question "Who am I here?" can turn into a silent process of grief.
A partner who adapts faster. In some families, the woman or the children may learn the language and culture of the new country faster. This can shift the balance of power in the family and make the man feel left out.
Experiences of discrimination. Exclusion and belittling at work, on the street or in government offices can often result in anger and withdrawal in men. Not finding a space to talk about these experiences can lead to the anger exploding within the family.
Few close friendships. Friendships between men are often built around shared activities: the coffeehouse, the match, work. When these settings diminish abroad, the friendships in which deep conversations can happen may diminish too.
Seeing asking for help as "shameful". The idea that "a real man doesn't go to a psychologist" is one of the strongest reasons for putting off getting support. We cover this subject in detail in the article on stigma abroad.
The Effect on Family, Relationships and Children
The feelings that build up inside a man often show themselves within the family.
The relationship with his partner: A man who does not share his feelings can seem distant and cold to his partner. While the woman thinks "Doesn't he love me?" and "Why doesn't he ever talk?", the man may feel "I'm working for my family, what more does she want?" This mutual misunderstanding can, over time, turn into a deep loneliness in the relationship. In such situations, couples sessions can help partners understand each other's worlds.
The relationship with children: Children learn by watching how their father expresses his feelings. A father who expresses his anger by shouting and his sadness by going silent may unknowingly pass the same pattern on to his children. On the other hand, a father being able to say "I'm very tired today, I'm feeling a bit down" is a powerful example showing children that feelings can be talked about.
Say a father who has worked in Belgium for ten years sits in front of the television every evening when he gets home from work and talks to no one. His fourteen-year-old son, thinking his father is keeping his distance from him, shuts himself in his room too. The father, in fact, is in deep anger and helplessness over an injustice he suffered at work. This silence causes the two of them to misunderstand each other. Even the father going for a short walk with his son and saying "I'm going through some hard days at work" could reduce the distance between them.
What You Can Do on Your Own: Steps to Connect with Your Feelings
- Name your feelings. During the day, ask yourself "What am I feeling right now?" Try to use more specific words than just "good" or "bad": tired, hurt, longing, worried, ashamed.
- Listen to your body. Physical signals such as tightness in the chest, tension in the jaw or a knot in the stomach are often harbingers of suppressed feelings. When you notice these signals, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself "What might this feeling be about?"
- Talk side by side. Some men open up more easily while doing something together than while sitting face to face: a walk, a car journey, gardening, fishing. Turn these moments into opportunities for conversation.
- Choose a "safe person". This could be your partner, your brother, an old friend or a relative you trust. Tell them, from time to time, how you really are.
- Look beneath the anger. When you feel angry, ask yourself "What is underneath this anger?" Very often, underneath anger lie tiredness, fear, disappointment or a feeling of worthlessness.
- Be careful with alcohol. If you use alcohol to relax, note down for a while how often and how much you drink. If you notice an increase, take it seriously.
- Get your body moving. Regular exercise, football, swimming or walking can help balance stress hormones and improve mood.
- Redefine "being strong". Real strength is not carrying everything alone; it is being able to ask for help when needed and being emotionally close to your family as well.
A man who talks about his feelings is not weak; he is a person who gives his family the chance to really know him.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
You might consider getting support from a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If angry outbursts have become more frequent and have begun to affect your relationship with your family
- If your alcohol or substance use has increased
- If you have experienced listlessness, fatigue and an inability to enjoy things for more than two weeks
- If sleep problems are disrupting your daily functioning
- If losing a job, losing status or financial difficulties have shaken you deeply
- If thoughts like "I'm a burden on my family" or "It would be better if I weren't here" cross your mind
The last point is especially important. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, do not wait; call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. You can also go to the nearest emergency department. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and psychiatric services are necessary.
You do not have to wait for everything to fall apart before seeking support. A step taken early can allow problems to be addressed before they grow. Your family doctor in the country where you live and local mental health services are also important resources. Support in your mother tongue is an option that can be used alongside them.
How Does Mother-Tongue Online Therapy Work?
For many men, the first step is the hardest. Online therapy in your mother tongue can be an option that makes this step easier, in terms of both language and privacy. Being able to meet from home or from your car without being seen by anyone, and being able to talk without having to explain the cultural weight of sayings like "A real man doesn't complain", can make it easier for some men to open up. This does not apply to everyone, but it is an option worth knowing about.
Therapy work with men often proceeds in a concrete, goal-oriented way:
- Assessment and goal-setting: The difficulties you are facing, your work and family situation and your migration story are discussed. Concrete goals are set, for example "to control my anger", "to sort out my sleep" or "to argue less with my partner".
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques: Thoughts such as "If I ask for help I'll look weak" and "I have to meet my family's every need" are examined and more balanced alternatives are developed.
- Anger management: The triggers of anger, the early warning signs in the body and "time-out" techniques that can be applied in the moment of anger are worked on.
- Emotional awareness: The skills of recognising, naming and expressing feelings are built step by step.
- Behavioural activation: Activities that bring pleasure and meaning are brought back into life.
- Relationship-focused work: When needed, communication within the family is strengthened through sessions held together with your partner.
For online sessions, a quiet, private place, headphones and a secure internet connection are enough. A suitable time is set with the time difference and working hours in mind. Payment is made online; pricing is in TL and payment with an international card is possible. You need to check your insurance terms in the country where you live regarding reimbursement. For more information, you can look at the pages on online therapy and Turks living abroad.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does therapy really work for migrant men?
Therapy can help men recognise their feelings, manage anger and stress and strengthen their relationships. Results vary from person to person, but many men can benefit from work that proceeds with concrete goals.
I have no idea how to talk about my feelings. What will I talk about in therapy?
This is a very common worry and it is not a barrier to starting therapy. The therapist guides you with questions; at the beginning, it is enough to talk about concrete things such as work, sleep or daily stress. The ability to express feelings develops over time.
My partner wants me to go to therapy but I don't see the need. What should I do?
Calmly listening to why your partner thinks this can be a good start. Perhaps they are observing changes you have not noticed. Having an introductory meeting can be a pressure-free way of judging whether therapy suits you.
I can't control my anger. Is it an illness?
Anger on its own is not an illness; it is a human emotion. However, frequent and intense angry outbursts can be a sign of an underlying condition such as stress, fatigue or depression. If this is affecting your family relationships, it can be helpful to talk to a professional.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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