Migration Grief in Children: Leaving Friends, School and Home Behind

Migration grief in children is the grief of leaving friends, school and home behind. Recognise the signs and learn how to support your child abroad.

When moving day arrives, adults think about the new job, the new home and the new school. A child, though, often thinks about just one thing: "Will I never see my best friend again?" For parents, migration is an opportunity, a decision and a plan; for a child, it is often a major loss that happens without anyone asking them. Migration grief in children is the natural grieving process for the friends, teachers, street, room, toys and grandparents left behind. In this article we look at how grief appears in children who migrate, which signs to watch for, and how you, as a parent, can accompany your child in the new country.

What Is Migration Grief in Children?

Grief is not only a process that follows the death of a loved one. People grieve the loss of everything they value. For a child who migrates, the list of losses is often longer than adults imagine:

• Friends: The children they played with every day and shared their secrets with.
• Elders in the family: Grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles and cousins they saw several times a week.
• Places: Their own room, the school playground, the park in the neighbourhood, the corner shop.
• Language: The language in which they express themselves most easily, and the relationships built through it.
• Role and status: A child who was liked in class, known for being good at football or recognised as "the hardest-working student" is known by no one at the new school.
• Familiarity and predictability: The security that comes from knowing what is where and what everyone expects.

The distinctive feature of migration grief is that what has been lost still exists. The friend is alive, the grandmother is at the other end of the phone, the old house is still standing. For this reason, adults can easily overlook this grief or belittle it by saying, "You can video call anyway." Yet for a child, the loss of everyday contact is a real loss.

Children's grief works differently from adults'. Children usually express their pain not in words but through behaviour, play and physical complaints. Grief comes in waves: a child playing happily one moment may cry a few minutes later. This does not mean "they're not really that sad"; it is simply how children carry grief.

What Are the Signs of Grief in Children Who Migrate?

Signs vary depending on the child's age, temperament, how the migration took place and the family environment. The following signs are commonly seen:

Preschool years (approximately ages 3-6)

• Difficulty separating from parents, clinginess
• Regression in areas such as toilet training, speech or sleep
• Night fears, nightmares
• Themes of moving, getting lost or separation repeating in play
• Sudden outbursts of anger

Primary school years (approximately ages 6-11)

• Frequently repeated sentences such as "I want my old school" or "I don't like it here"
• Physical complaints with no medical explanation, such as stomach aches and headaches, especially on school mornings
• Not wanting to go to school
• Going quiet and withdrawing, or the opposite, restlessness and aggression
• Difficulty concentrating on lessons

Adolescence

• Intense anger towards parents: "You ruined my life"
• Shutting themselves in their room, spending hours on social media with old friends
• A dismissive or rejecting attitude towards the new environment
• Changes in sleep and appetite, loss of motivation
• Questioning identity: "Who am I, where do I belong?"

Let's say a nine-year-old child has moved to Germany. In the first weeks everything seems fine; they like their new room and play in the park. From the third week on, though, they wake up with a stomach ache every morning, cry at the school gate and spend long periods looking at photographs of their old class in the evenings. This picture is often interpreted as "spoiled behaviour" or "not settling in." Yet the child may be telling their loss through their body. It is also common for a child to begin struggling after the "honeymoon" of the first weeks; when the excitement of novelty fades, the loss becomes more visible.

Many of these signs are expected adjustment reactions in the first months and do not on their own mean a disorder. What matters is how severe the signs are, how long they last and how much they affect the child's general functioning.

Factors That Affect Migration Grief in Children

Not every child experiences migration in the same way. Some factors can make the process easier, while others can make it harder:

• Preparation: If the migration has been talked about in advance and age-appropriate explanations have been given to the child, adjustment is usually easier. Sudden moves without explanation can increase the feeling of loss. Our article on explaining migration to a child can be a guide on this.
• Opportunity to say goodbye: Having been able to say goodbye to friends, teachers and elders in the family helps grief progress in a healthy way.
• Language: Not knowing the language at the new school makes both learning and making friends harder for the child. The child may suddenly find themselves as "the child who can't speak."
• The parent's state of mind: If a parent is going through intense stress, homesickness or anxiety themselves, the child feels it. Children often hide their own pain so as not to upset their parents.
• The reason for migration: A migration involving economic hardship, an earthquake, problems within the family or uncertainty can place additional burdens on the child.
• Siblings: Siblings can support one another, but if one adjusts quickly while the other struggles, it can lead to comparisons.
• Reception in the new environment: A warm teacher or even a single close friend can make a big difference to a child's adjustment. Experiences of exclusion or bullying, on the other hand, can deepen the grief.

The Family's Role: Where Do Parents Struggle?

Parents who migrate usually carry many burdens at once: a new job, bureaucracy, language, the household routine and their own homesickness. Within this intensity, noticing the child's grief and making room for it can become difficult. Some common traps are as follows:

• Expecting quick adjustment: Saying "It's been a month, still?" can give the child the message that their feelings are wrong.
• Suppressing negative feelings: Sentences like "It's lovely here, look what nice parks there are" are well-meant, but they can get in the way of the child's feeling of "I miss it."
• Over-compensating out of guilt: Fulfilling every wish of the child can blur boundaries. Parental guilt is very common in this period.
• Cutting off the old life completely: Limiting ties to Turkey with the thought "let them forget and get used to it" does not resolve grief; it mostly just makes it invisible.
• Or the opposite, constantly returning to the old life: Spending hours every day in contact with old friends can make it harder to invest in the new environment.

The measure here is building a bridge between two worlds. Respecting the child's attachment to the past while gently accompanying them as they get to know the new.

The grief of elders who remain in Turkey

Migration grief does not run in one direction. Grandmothers and grandfathers who remain in Turkey also grieve after their grandchildren's departure. It is very understandable for them to cry on video calls, to say things like "Don't forget us," or to ask the child often, "When are you coming?" However, these sentences can create feelings of guilt and responsibility in the child. It can help to talk to the elders in advance and ask them to show curiosity about the child's new life during calls, asking about school, friends and newly learned words. That way, the calls become a warm connection between two worlds rather than a moment of longing.

Visits to Turkey and the period after returning

Summer holiday visits to Turkey are often lovely, but the first few weeks after returning can be a period when migration grief revives in the child. After spending intense time with old friends, cousins and elders in the family, the child separates again. In this period, restlessness, crying, reluctance to go back to school or questions such as "Why don't we live there?" may increase. These reactions are not a regression but a sign of how strong the bonds are. Planning the first days after returning calmly, putting together a small album of photos from the holiday and arranging early meetings with friends in the new environment can ease the transition.

How Can You Support Your Child Through Migration Grief?

The suggestions below are concrete steps you can use while accompanying your child in the first months and years after migration:

1. Name the feeling. "You miss Ayşe a lot, don't you? It's completely natural to miss her." Naming the feeling lets the child sense that their emotion is understood and accepted.
2. Share your own feelings in moderation. Saying "I miss our grandmother too" shows the child that longing is normal. But take care not to burden the child with your adult anxieties and helplessness.
3. Complete the goodbye. If you were not able to say goodbye before moving, it can be done afterwards too: writing a letter to an old friend, sending a drawing to a teacher, preparing an album from photographs of the old house.
4. Give the connections a structure. Plan video calls with old friends and elders in the family on regular, set days. Regular contact can be more reassuring than constant, unlimited contact.
5. Prepare a "memory box." Photographs of the old school, notes from friends, a beloved toy. This box becomes a place where the child can safely keep everything they miss.
6. Keep routines. Familiar routines such as bedtime, dinner and reading give the child security in a period when everything is changing.
7. Build small bridges in the new environment. Inviting a classmate to the park, signing them up to a sports club they are interested in, going to the library. Even a single friendship makes a big difference.
8. Work with the school. Tell the teacher that the child is new, what they miss and what they enjoy. Find out about the language support and induction programmes the school offers.
9. Make room for play. Young children work through what they have experienced by playing. Do not stop games about moving, aeroplanes and getting lost; accompany them calmly.
10. Keep Turkish alive. The mother tongue carries the child's bond with their roots and with the elders in the family. Speaking Turkish at home is no obstacle to learning the new language.

You do not have to take away your child's longing; accompanying their longing is often enough.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

The sadness, anger and restlessness felt in the first months after migration usually fade over time. However, speaking with a child mental health specialist may be helpful in the following situations:

• If the signs last longer than a few months or keep increasing
• If the child refuses to go to school for a long time
• If there are marked and ongoing regressions in sleeping, eating or toilet habits
• If attempts at making friends have stopped altogether and the child is becoming increasingly isolated
• If they are experiencing bullying or exclusion at school
• If you notice intense hopelessness, self-harm or death-related talk in your teenage child

If there is a risk of self-harm or an emergency, call the emergency number of the country you are in (112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia). Online sessions are not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, you need to turn to local child psychiatry services. The school counsellor and child mental health services in the country where you live are also valuable resources.

How Is Migration Grief in Children Addressed in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?

In work with young children, parent counselling usually holds a central place. Together with the parent, the child's signs, developmental level and family routine are assessed, and concrete steps that can be applied at home are planned. In some cases online sessions can also be held with the child; in these sessions, play and drawing activities suited to the child's age can be used. The child and play therapy approach is based on using play as a language when the child cannot put their feelings into words.

With school-age children and teenagers, work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may include:

• Skills for recognising and naming feelings
• Noticing and testing thoughts such as "No one will like me here"
• Planning small social steps and rewarding them
• Relaxation and breathing exercises for physical anxiety symptoms
• Making sense of the grieving process and holding the old and the new together

Sessions in Turkish allow the child to express themselves comfortably in their mother tongue, and allow parents to speak without having to explain their cultural context. For more information, you can look at our page for Turks abroad.

Frequently Asked Questions

My child seems very well since the move. Could they be not grieving?

Some children really do adjust quickly. But some children hide their feelings so as not to upset their parents, and grief can appear months later. Keep making room for your child to talk about their longing.

Does contact with old friends make adjustment harder?

On the contrary, keeping the connections usually gives security. Balance is important: regular, planned contact is helpful, whereas constantly taking refuge with old friends to escape the new environment may need attention.

How long does migration grief last?

There is no set period. In many children, intense reactions begin to ease in the first months, but longing can revive at religious festivals, on birthdays or after returning from holidays. These fluctuations are normal.

Should I tell my child "We will go back to Turkey"?

It is important not to make an unrealistic promise. If there is no definite plan to return, it is healthier to give the child explanations they can rely on and that you can keep, about visits, calls and keeping the connections going.

• #migrant children
• #grief in children
• #children abroad
• #adjustment process

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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