Not going on holiday can leave you feeling left behind while everyone online seems to be at the beach. Learn how comparison works and how to weaken its hold.
It is mid-August. Half the office is empty and your inbox is full of automatic replies saying "I am on leave between these dates." When you check your phone at lunchtime, one friend is on a boat trip in Kaş, a former colleague has posted a hot-air balloon photo from Cappadocia, and your cousin's family is gathered round the barbecue at their summer house. Meanwhile, under the hum of the air conditioning, you are working out how many days are left until the end of the month. Suddenly it feels as though the whole country is on holiday and you alone have been left behind in the city. Not going on holiday is often experienced not just as missing out on rest, but as being shut out of society's summer rhythm. In this article we look at how this sense of "being left behind" forms, how social media and the people around us magnify it, and how you can win back the peace that comparison takes from you.
Why Does Not Going on Holiday Hurt So Much?
The absence of a holiday weighs most heavily not all year round, but especially at times when "everyone is going away". There are several reasons for this.
The first is that the summer months have a social rhythm. Schools breaking up, the religious holidays, working life slowing down in August... This rhythm creates the perception that "This is when people go somewhere." Being outside that perception is like standing in a queue and watching everyone walk past you.
The second is that a holiday is seen not just as a way of resting but as a sign of "a normal life". For many people, being able to go to the seaside once a year is proof that things are going well and that their efforts are being rewarded. When that sign disappears, a person begins to question their whole life: "Where did I go wrong?"
The third is that comparison is no longer limited to our immediate circle. In the past you knew that a neighbour had gone to their summer house; today you can follow hundreds of people's holidays day by day, hour by hour.
The fourth is the fear of missing out. Known in English simply as FOMO, this feeling is the unease that comes with the thought that other people are having good experiences you are not part of. It intensifies during holiday periods, because what you miss is not only a trip but the friendships formed on that trip, the photos taken and the stories that will be told afterwards. A person feels that they are not only missing today but will also be left out of future conversations.
Social Media and Comparison: Why Does Everyone Seem to Be on Holiday?
When you look at social media during the summer months, the picture you see is a highly selected slice of reality.
What you see is what gets posted
People who go on holiday post photos; those who cannot rarely post "At home again today." So your screen shows a world full of people on holiday. Yet during the same period a great many people are at work, at home or, like you, doing their end-of-month sums. Those who stay silent are the invisible majority.
What you see is the brightest moment
A holiday photo does not show the hours of travel fatigue, the children's tantrums at the hotel, or the tension that will come when the credit card statement arrives. You compare the whole of your own ordinary day with the carefully chosen best moment of someone else's. This comparison is unfair from the start.
The algorithm feeds comparison
Once you look at a holiday post for a long time, similar content may start appearing in front of you more often. In this way the feeling of comparison turns into a self-reinforcing cycle. We look at this cycle in more detail in our article on comparison on social media.
The seas you see on the screen are real; but the millions of ordinary summer days you cannot see on the screen are every bit as real.
When a Holiday Becomes a Status Symbol
In recent years, holidays have gone from being simply a way of resting to a lifestyle and a status symbol. Where you went, which hotel you stayed in, whether you went abroad: these have become silent yardsticks by which people place one another.
This is felt particularly in the following settings:
- At work: The question "Where did you go this summer?", asked when everyone returns to the office in September, is an innocent conversation starter; but for someone who could not go anywhere, it can feel like a test.
- In friendship groups: In a group making joint holiday plans, saying "I can't come" means missing out not only on that holiday but also on the group's memories, jokes and photos.
- Among young people: For university students and recent graduates, summer is a time when friends head to Bodrum, to festivals and on trips abroad. A young person who works all summer so as not to be a burden on their family may feel cut off from the lives of their peers.
- In the extended family: When the family gathers during the holidays or at the end of summer, having nothing to say at a table where holiday memories are being shared can push a person into silence.
In these settings some people begin to hide the truth: they hint at a holiday they never took, sidestep questions or stay away from social occasions. Although this hiding offers protection in the short term, in the long run it deepens loneliness and shame.
The second wave of comparison often arrives when summer ends. In September everyone returns to work and school with tanned faces and stories to tell. The person who could not go away, meanwhile, may be met at the end of summer with the feeling that "Another year has gone by and once again nothing has changed." The sadness felt at this time is not only about the holiday but also about the sense that time is slipping away and life is on hold. Noticing this connection makes it easier to look at the real source of the feeling.
The Traces Left in the Mind by Feeling Left Behind
Comparison that begins with not going on holiday can gradually turn into a broader feeling of "I've fallen behind in life". Some signs of this feeling include:
- Feeling sudden tension in your body, or a knot in your stomach, when you see other people's holiday posts
- Noticing that you cannot be happy for people you love, and feeling guilty about it
- Frequently falling into the thought "Everyone manages somehow; I'm the only one who can't"
- Avoiding social invitations in the summer months and staying away from situations where holidays will be discussed
- Dismissing even the things you enjoyed in your own summer: "Call this a holiday?"
- Being unable to put your phone down; both looking and getting upset, and being unable to stop looking
A concept known in psychology as "relative deprivation" helps make sense of this experience: people often judge what they have not by an absolute standard but by comparison with those around them. That is why the same summer can be a manageable one when no comparison is made, yet turn into an experience of lack when you are constantly looking at others. We discuss the wider psychological effects of financial hardship in our article on the cost of living and mental health.
Envy and shame
The feelings that cause most discomfort in this process are envy and shame. Envy says, "I want this too"; shame says, "Because I can't do this, I'm worth less." Noticing envy can help you understand what you want. Shame, on the other hand, is usually an unfair verdict; because whether or not you can go on holiday has far more to do with income and circumstances than with a person's worth.
When Not Going on Holiday Comes Up: Answering Questions, and Answering Yourself
Thinking in advance about what you will say when asked "Where did you go this summer?" markedly reduces the tension of that moment. You do not have to explain or defend yourself. Short, calm answers are enough:
- "We stayed in the city this year and had a bit of a rest. How was your summer?"
- "We didn't go away this summer; we're making plans for next year."
- "I slept a lot at home and took some time for myself; it wasn't bad at all."
Turning the question back to the other person shifts the focus of the conversation, and most people want to talk about their own holiday anyway. Remember, too, that many people around you may be in a similar situation. Your honest, relaxed answer may give courage to someone else who dreads hearing the same question.
The answer you give yourself matters just as much. When you notice the sentence "Everyone went away and I'm the only one who couldn't", try replacing it with a more realistic one: "Everyone I saw went away; a great many people I didn't see are, like me, in the city this summer." This small correction balances the misleading picture that comparison builds in the mind.
Ways to Weaken the Hold of Comparison
Adjust your social media use to the season
During the summer months you can try looking at social media less, switching off app notifications, or temporarily muting accounts that keep pushing you into comparison. This is not about removing anyone from your life; it is about protecting your own state of mind. Filling the time freed up by switching off the screen with a concrete activity reduces the urge to go back to the phone.
Define the meaning of your own summer
Other people's summers may be defined by the sea, hotels and travel. Yours can be defined by something else: finishing a book you have long put off, starting a certificate course, walking by the sea or in the park in the evenings, seeing your mother more often. Giving your own summer a meaning stops it being an "incomplete copy" of other people's summers.
Enjoy the emptied city
In August the city calms down. There is less traffic, parks and beaches are emptier on weekdays, and it is easier to find a seat at your favourite café. Staying behind at a time when everyone else has gone can also be an opportunity to see another side of the city. Walking along an empty seafront on a weekday evening, or wandering round an uncrowded museum, offers a calm that is rarely found the rest of the year.
Don't burden yourself with having to feel glad
If you cannot feel genuinely glad when you see a friend's holiday photo, do not judge yourself for it. It is possible to feel happy for them and wistful for yourself at the same time. Accepting the feeling settles it faster than trying to suppress it.
Support your child through comparison
When schools reopen, many teachers ask for a piece of writing or a presentation on "How I spent my summer holiday". Among classmates who went to summer houses, abroad or to holiday villages, a child who spent the summer at home and around the neighbourhood may not know what to write. In this situation it helps to look back over the summer together with your child: the bike trick they learnt in the park, a day spent in the garden with their grandfather, the first book they finished on their own. Giving the child the message "Your summer is worth telling too" softens the relationship with comparison they are forming at an early age. How you look at your own summer also sets an example for them.
Set a realistic next step
The feeling of being left behind is often fed by a sense of helplessness. Setting a small but real goal, such as gradually saving up for an affordable weekend break next spring, reduces that helplessness. We discuss in detail how you can rest at home and in your city in years when you cannot go away in our article on when you can't go on holiday.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Comparing yourself with others and feeling wistful from time to time during the summer months is entirely human. However, you might consider speaking to a professional if:
- Comparing yourself with others is no longer limited to the summer but has spread to many areas of your life
- You cannot control the time you spend on social media and feel worse every time
- Shame has led you to withdraw from your friends and from social occasions
- You have been experiencing a sense of worthlessness, low mood or hopelessness for weeks
In therapy, the thoughts that feed the comparison cycle are identified and questioned through a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach. Core beliefs such as "If I'm behind other people, I'm worthless" are examined, and steps are planned to help the person live according to their own values and standards. Concrete, achievable goals are also set for managing social media use. Individual therapy offers a space in which to step out of the shadow of comparison and refocus on your own life.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I feel so bad when I see holiday posts?
Because you are comparing your own ordinary day with other people's carefully chosen best moments. And because you cannot see those who are not posting, an illusion forms that everyone is on holiday. This feeling does not show that something is lacking in you; it shows the nature of comparison.
Should I hide from my colleagues that I didn't go on holiday?
You do not have to explain it to anyone, but lying to hide it can be more tiring in the long run. Giving a short, relaxed answer, such as "I stayed in the city this year", usually closes the subject naturally.
My group of friends goes on holiday together every year and I can't join them. What should I do?
Telling your friends openly about your situation is usually healthier than quietly drifting away. Perhaps a lower-budget plan can be made with some of the group, or a get-together can be arranged to spend time with them when they get back. Friendships are built on much more than a single holiday.
Do I need to give up social media completely?
Not everyone does. Limiting the time you spend on it, muting accounts that consistently affect you negatively, and taking deliberate breaks, especially in the summer months, is usually enough. If you feel you cannot control your use, you might consider getting support with it.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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