How is online couples therapy in Turkish carried out? Concrete steps and process information for couples abroad on communication, conflict and distance.
Keeping a relationship going abroad can require two people to hold on to each other tightly. Family is far away, old friends are in other cities or other countries, and often the couple's only real support is each other. While this closeness can be a source of strength, in hard times it can also put too much weight on the relationship. For couples who want to talk about their problems with a specialist who speaks Turkish and understands the cultural context, online couples therapy in Turkish is an option. In this article we look at the difficulties couples living abroad often face, how couples therapy works, and steps you can take today to strengthen your relationship.
What Is Online Couples Therapy in Turkish?
Couples therapy is a process, guided by a specialist, in which two people work through the problems in their relationship together. The focus here is not on one person being "the problem", but on the interaction between the two: how they talk, how they argue, how they perceive each other's needs and how they resolve conflicts.
In online couples therapy, sessions are held by video. Couples usually sit in the same room in front of the same screen. If one partner is in another city or country because of work, it is also possible to connect from two different places.
A couples therapy conducted in Turkish has some aspects that can make things easier for some couples:
- Feelings, hurts and family expressions can be described in their most natural form.
- You may not need to explain at length subjects such as the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship, religious holiday visits, "what will people say" (elâlem) anxiety or financial support for family.
- If one partner does not know the language of the country they live in well, it becomes easier for both partners to speak on an equal footing.
This does not mean it has to replace couples therapists in the country where you live. For some couples, a local therapist may be more suitable. What matters is finding a setting in which both partners feel comfortable and understood. For the general principles of couples therapy, you can look at the couples therapy page.
Signs That Your Relationship Needs Support
There is disagreement in every relationship. What matters is how disagreements are experienced and how often they recur. The following signs may show that your relationship could use support:
- Arguing over and over about the same subjects without ever reaching a conclusion
- Arguments quickly turning into shouting, blame or contempt
- A cycle in which one partner constantly criticises while the other constantly goes quiet or leaves the room
- Growing cold towards each other, a feeling of living like two strangers in the same house
- A marked decline in physical and emotional closeness
- An event that shakes trust, such as infidelity or the discovery of a major secret
- Deep differences of opinion on raising children, managing money or relations with family
- Being unable to agree on whether to return to Turkey or stay abroad
The presence of these signs does not mean that the relationship is over. Many couples can build a new balance by getting support in difficult periods.
Factors That Strain Couple Relationships Abroad
The unequal burden of the decision to migrate
Often the decision to migrate does not mean the same thing to both partners. One goes for a work or education opportunity and the other follows. The following partner may have partly left their career, social circle and independence behind. Over time, this sacrifice can turn into an unspoken resentment or a sense of debt expressed in the sentence "I'm here for you." The article migration and the couple relationship gives detailed information on this.
Being the only support
When a couple has a problem in Turkey, they can turn to a mother, a sibling or a friend. Abroad, this support network is often missing or very far away. Partners may expect each other to be partner, best friend and family all at once. This expectation can put heavy pressure on the relationship.
Different speeds of adjustment
One partner may learn the language faster and build a new circle, while the other adapts more slowly. This difference can create a feeling of "You've come to belong here, and I haven't" or jealousy.
Cultural and generational differences
A partner who comes from Turkey and a partner who was born and raised abroad may seem to share the same culture, yet have different expectations about gender roles, relations with family and private life. In mixed-culture marriages these differences can be even more marked.
Economic pressures and uncertainty
In a new country, rent, living costs, job searching or uncertainty about a residence permit can create constant stress for a couple. Arguments about money are often not only about money; they are also about feelings of security, fairness and control. Questions such as which partner earns how much, who decides on spending and how much support to give to families in Turkey can grow by accumulating when they are not talked about.
Families far away
The expectations of families in Turkey, whose family to visit at religious holidays, financial support for family, or the care of ageing parents are frequent reasons for arguments between couples. We have covered these subjects in more detail in the article on marriage problems abroad.
The Effect of Couple Problems on Children and the Family
Children feel the tension between their parents even when it is not put into words. Frequent, loud arguments, long cold silences, or one parent trying to pull the child to their side can leave the child feeling unsafe. The child may hold themselves responsible for their parents' problems.
In families living abroad, children can sometimes take on the role of "interpreter" between their parents. A child who knows the local language better helps their parent with official matters or at school meetings, and also witnesses the tensions in the family. This can lead the child to carry a responsibility beyond their age. It is important that parents take care not to use the child as a mediator or confidant in their disagreements, so that the child can remain a child. The extended family can also be affected by this process; when grandparents begin taking sides from a distance, the conflict can deepen further.
Imagine a couple living in Sweden who argue often because of the father's long working hours and the mother's loneliness. Their ten-year-old daughter goes to her room and puts on headphones when the arguments start, and becomes quieter and quieter at school. After a while the couple notice this change and decide to work on their own communication. This fictional example shows that improvement in a couple relationship can also help the child to relax.
Of course, not every disagreement harms a child. When children see their parents manage to disagree respectfully and then make up, they also learn healthy conflict-resolution skills.
Steps You Can Take Today to Strengthen Your Relationship
1. Set aside weekly "us" time
Between work, children and housework during the day, there may be no time left for each other. At least once a week, with phones off, set aside time just for the two of you. This could be an evening walk, cooking together or simply an hour of conversation.
2. Use "I" language
Saying "I get very tired in the evenings and I need help" instead of "You never help" reduces the other person's tendency to become defensive. Focus on stating your need rather than blaming.
3. Show that you are listening
While your partner is speaking, try to understand them rather than preparing an answer. After listening, asking "So you feel ... , have I understood correctly?" lets your partner feel understood.
4. Take a break in arguments
If an argument is about to get out of control, you can say, "I'm very tense right now, let's take a twenty-minute break and then talk." What matters is saying clearly that the break is for calming down, not for escape, and that you will come back to the subject.
5. Express your appreciation
Couples who have lived together for a long time may stop noticing the small things the other does. Thanking your partner for something they did during the day, or telling them that you appreciate them, strengthens positive feelings in the relationship.
6. Protect each of your own spaces
Abroad, partners can become very dependent on each other. Each of you having your own friends, hobbies and social activities lets the relationship breathe. Supporting your partner's own space is not moving away from them; it is strengthening the relationship.
7. Set boundaries with families together
First talk, the two of you, about expectations around families in Turkey or in the same city. Be clear about which matters you will decide on together. It generally creates less conflict when each partner communicates the boundaries with their own family themselves.
8. Talk through your migration story together again
Talking together about why you came abroad, what you hoped for that day and where you are today can give your relationship a new perspective. Take turns telling what each of you lost and gained on this journey. The other partner listens without interrupting. This conversation can allow sacrifices that have gone unspoken for years to be seen and appreciated. It also helps you remember your shared dreams for the future.
A good relationship is not one in which there are no arguments; it is one in which, after arguing, you can turn back towards each other.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
You may consider seeing a couples therapist in the following situations:
- If the same problems have recurred unresolved for months
- If communication has almost completely broken down or has turned into constant conflict
- If an event that shakes trust has occurred
- If you are at the stage of an important decision, for example returning to Turkey, having a child or separating
- If you have noticed that your children are affected by the tension in your relationship
If there is physical violence, threats or intense control in the relationship, safety is the priority. In these situations couples therapy may not be appropriate; safety needs to be secured first. If there is a danger to life, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the United Kingdom, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local support services are necessary.
How Does Online Couples Therapy in Turkish Work in Your Mother Tongue?
Different approaches can be used in couples therapy. In a cognitive behavioural-based approach, the following steps are generally followed:
- Assessment: In the first sessions, the story of your relationship, your migration process, when the problems began and each partner's expectations are discussed. If necessary, short individual sessions can also be held with each partner.
- Noticing cycles: Patterns repeated in arguments, for example the cycle of "one pursues, the other withdraws", are examined together.
- Reviewing thoughts and expectations: Thoughts such as "If they loved me they would understand this" and rigid expectations of the relationship are addressed.
- Communication skills: Listening, expressing needs and conflict-resolution skills are rehearsed in the session.
- Homework: Small exercises are suggested for you to practise together between sessions.
- Maintenance plan: Towards the end of the process, the signs that you are beginning to struggle again in the relationship, and what you will do in that case, are decided together.
In online couples sessions, a seating arrangement in which both partners can fit comfortably on camera, a good microphone and a quiet environment where children cannot hear are important. Session times are set taking into account the time difference and both partners' work schedules. Payment is made online; pricing is in TL and payment by international card is possible. For insurance reimbursement, you need to check the insurance conditions in the country where you live. For more information, you can look at the Turks living abroad page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can online couples therapy be done in Turkish? What if one partner doesn't speak Turkish?
Online couples therapy can be conducted in Turkish. If one partner does not speak Turkish, choosing a shared language in which both partners are comfortable, or seeing a local couples therapist, may be more appropriate. This is assessed together in the first session.
What can I do if my partner doesn't want to come to therapy?
A partner being reluctant is common. In this case, starting with individual sessions can be useful for understanding your own part in the relationship and your needs. Sometimes one partner changing also affects the overall balance of the relationship.
Does couples therapy prevent separation?
The aim of couples therapy is not to keep the relationship going at all costs, but to help both people make a healthy decision. Some couples strengthen their relationship, while others make the decision to separate in a more respectful way.
If my partner and I are in different cities, can we attend therapy together?
Yes, in online sessions partners can connect from different places. However, being in the same setting when possible can allow communication to flow more naturally.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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