Pet Loss: A Belittled but Very Real Grief

Why does pet loss hurt so much? On grief reactions, guilt, children and the question of a new pet for anyone who has lost a cat or a dog they loved.

The dog who waited behind the door for you every evening for fourteen years is no longer there. When you put the key in the lock, you still expect to hear that familiar sound of claws. The food bowl is still in the kitchen; you cannot bring yourself to put the lead away. When you tell someone at work, you get the reply, "I'm sorry, but it was only a dog; you'll get another one," and you fall silent. Pet loss is a grief that many people experience intensely but that is often belittled by those around them. Yet your cat, dog, bird or rabbit has been part of your daily life, your routines and your emotional world for years. In this article I will look at why pet loss can hurt so much, the common grief reactions, the guilt created by the decision to euthanise, how this loss can be talked about with children and how you can cope with your grief.

Why Does Pet Loss Hurt So Much?

The bond we form with pets is different from human relationships but at least as real. They do not judge us, and they greet us with the same joy even after a bad day. For many people this unconditional acceptance forms one of the safest relationships in their lives.

Several features make this bond strong:

• Being at the centre of daily routines: Giving them their food in the morning, going for the evening walk, cleaning the litter tray... Pets shape the structure of the day. Their absence is felt at every hour of the day.
• A caregiving relationship: A pet depends on the person who looks after them. This caring relationship can create a closeness similar to the feeling of parenthood.
• Physical closeness: A cat sleeping on your lap, a dog lying at your feet; touch and physical contact are an important part of this bond.
• Accompanying life's turning points: A pet often witnesses house moves, separations, children growing up and years spent alone. Losing them can feel like losing part of your connection with that period too.

For people who live alone, parents whose children have left home, older people and those going through a hard time, a pet can be their closest companion. For this reason, their loss can suddenly deepen a person's loneliness.

The weight of a loss is measured not by the species of the one who was lost but by the depth of the bond formed with them.

Grief Reactions After Pet Loss

People who lose a pet may experience reactions very similar to those of people who lose a loved one:

• Deep sadness, longing and bouts of crying,
• The house feeling empty and silent, not wanting to go home,
• Thinking you hear them, or catching sight of them out of the corner of your eye,
• Continuing, out of habit, to fill the food bowl or to be careful not to leave the door open,
• Changes in sleep and appetite, lethargy,
• Difficulty concentrating,
• Guilt: "I should have noticed sooner", "I should have taken her to the vet earlier",
• Anger: at the vet, at the person who harmed the animal, at yourself.

The intensity of these reactions varies according to how long you spent with the animal, the nature of the bond and the way the loss happened. Unexpected losses such as a sudden accident, going missing or poisoning can cause a different kind of shock from losses after a long illness.

Animals that go missing and are never found

Some pets do not die; they go missing. A cat that slips out of the door or a dog that gets free of its lead may never be found again. This uncertainty makes grief especially hard: the person hopes on the one hand and tries to accept the loss on the other. Going back and forth between thoughts such as "Maybe he's hungry somewhere" or "Maybe someone has taken her in" is very exhausting. Experts call this "ambiguous loss" and emphasise that grief for losses without a known ending can last longer.

Disenfranchised Grief: "It Was Only an Animal"

This loss is one of the best-known examples of what experts call "disenfranchised grief". Those around often do not accept it as a real grief. Remarks such as "You'll get another one", "Is it really worth being this upset?" or "People are dying and you're crying over a cat" lead the grieving person to hide their pain.

In Turkey, attitudes towards pets can vary from generation to generation and from region to region. While in big cities there are many people living in flats who see their cat or dog as a member of the family, some elders in the extended family may find it hard to understand this bond. Not being able to ask for time off work, and the absence of rituals such as condolence visits or remembrance, lead a person to live their grief alone and in silence.

This loneliness can feel even heavier than the grief itself. Yet it is important to know that your pain is legitimate. Being sad that the life you shared with a living creature for years has come to an end is entirely human. If you are wondering how grief generally progresses and which reactions are usual, you can also take a look at the article on the grief process.

Neighbourhood cats and street dogs are also as close as pets for some people. The death of a street cat you fed every morning and gave a name to is also a real loss and deserves grief. In the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, many families lost their animals along with their homes, or became separated from them. In collective losses like these, grief for an animal may go unspoken in the shadow of human losses; but it is carried all the same.

The Decision to Euthanise and Guilt

One of the most difficult aspects of these kinds of loss is that the decision about the timing of death is sometimes left to the owner. Making the decision to euthanise on the vet's recommendation, in the face of a serious, untreatable illness or intense pain, is one of the hardest decisions in many people's lives.

Common thoughts after this decision include:

• "Did I decide too early? Maybe she could have lived a little longer."
• "Was I too late? Did I make him suffer needlessly?"
• "I ended her life."
• "I should have been with him at the end" or "I couldn't bear to be with him."

This sense of guilt is extremely common. However, it is important to remember that this decision is usually an expression of love and responsibility. The decision you made so as not to prolong your animal's suffering is part of your devotion to them. If the sense of guilt stays intense for a long time, talking about it with someone you trust or with a professional can help.

Talking to Children About Pet Loss

For many children, the death of a pet is the first experience of loss in their lives. The way this experience is lived through can also affect how the child copes with losses in the future.

When talking with children, the following can help:

• Be open and honest: Expressions such as "Fluffy has gone far away" or "He's sleeping" confuse a child; they may make them afraid of sleep or lead them to wait for the animal to come back. A simple explanation suited to their age, such as "Fluffy was very ill; her body doesn't work any more and she has died", is healthier.
• Make room for their feelings: It is usual for a child to cry, get angry or go back to playing after a while. Children experience grief in waves.
• Include them in saying goodbye: Drawing a picture, writing a letter to the animal or holding a small remembrance for them helps the child express their feelings.
• Don't get a new one straight away: Getting a new animal immediately after the loss can give the child the message that what was lost can easily be replaced. It is healthier to give grief time first.
• Don't hide your own feelings: Seeing that you are sad too teaches the child that being sad is natural.

You can read in more detail about how children understand loss and death in the article on grief in children.

What Can You Do to Cope With Pet Loss?

Grief has no timetable; however, it is possible to make this process a little more bearable.

Accept that your pain is legitimate

Even if others do not understand, the loss you have experienced is real. Instead of telling yourself "I shouldn't be this upset", saying "I loved him very much and now I miss him very much" allows grief to follow its natural course.

Create a farewell ritual

Planting a sapling in memory of your animal, keeping a favourite toy, putting together a photo album or holding a small remembrance with close friends makes the farewell concrete.

Reorganise changed routines

When routines such as morning and evening walks and feeding times suddenly become empty, the day can feel scattered. Filling these times with another meaningful activity, for example a short walk, meeting a friend or a hobby, can help.

Talk to people who understand

Friends who have pets, or people who have experienced a similar loss, may understand your grief better. Talking to them reduces the feeling of loneliness.

Don't rush decisions about belongings

The food bowl, the bed, the lead... Putting these things away straight away or keeping them for a long time is entirely your decision. Some people find it meaningful to donate the belongings to an animal shelter.

Wait until you are ready for a new animal

There is no right time to adopt a new pet. Some people want to welcome a new companion into their home quite soon; for others it takes years, and some never want to. What matters is that the new animal comes not to fill the place of the one who was lost, but to be loved in its own right.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

This grief usually eases with time. However, it can be helpful to speak to a professional in the following situations:

• If, even after months, intense sadness markedly affects your daily life,
• If guilt about the decision to euthanise or the circumstances of the loss constantly preoccupies you,
• If the loss of your animal has revived earlier losses or your loneliness,
• If there is a long-lasting disruption in your sleep, appetite and energy levels,
• If an inability to enjoy life, hopelessness and feelings of worthlessness seem to have gone beyond grief.

Grief and depression can sometimes overlap; I have discussed the differences between them in the article on the difference between grief and depression. These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; an assessment needs to be made by a professional. If the disruption in mood is marked, whether medication support is needed is determined by the assessment of a psychiatrist. If you are having thoughts of ending your life or harming yourself, please do not carry them alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).

How Is Pet Loss Approached in Therapy?

In therapy, this loss is approached with the same seriousness and respect as other losses. The first step is often to accept that the grief is legitimate. The belittling remarks the person has heard from those around them, the need to hide their pain and the loneliness this creates are discussed together.

In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, guilt-laden thoughts such as "I killed him" or "If I had been a better owner, she would have lived" are examined. When the circumstances in which the decision was made, the information available at the time and the person's real intention are considered together, guilt can give way to a more realistic and compassionate view. Ways of coping with changed routines, the emptiness in the house and loneliness can also be part of the work.

Sometimes the loss of an animal also brings a person's unresolved past losses back to the surface. In that case, therapy can offer an opportunity to address not only the most recent loss but a wider story of loss. You can find out about work with adults on the individual therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to be as upset about my cat as about losing a person?

Yes, this is a very common experience. The intensity of grief depends not on the species of the creature that was lost but on the bond you formed with them. Feeling deep sadness for an animal you shared years of your life with is a natural reflection of your love.

How long does grief after pet loss last?

There is no fixed timescale. While some people return to their daily lives within a few weeks, for others the longing can last for months. It is also usual for feelings to rise again at times such as the animal's birthday, the day they came home or the date they died.

Since our cat died, my child has started asking about our own deaths. What should I do?

Pet loss can lead children to realise that death applies to everyone. It is important to answer their questions calmly and honestly, but without frightening them: "Most people live for a very long time, and I hope to be with you for many years." If the fears last a long time or affect their sleep, it can be helpful to speak to a child specialist.

Is adopting a new animal a betrayal of the old one?

No. Loving a new animal does not mean forgetting the one you lost; your heart can make room for both. What matters is that you take this step only when you feel ready and are willing to get to know the new animal for its own personality.

• #grief
• #pets
• #cat
• #dog
• #loss

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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