How harmful is scaring children with the bogeyman, the police, or saying I'll leave you? The effects of using fear to get obedience and what to say instead.
Evening is falling at the park. When you say "Come on, we're going home", your four-year-old son stands at the top of the slide and won't come down. After the third call, that sentence comes out of your mouth almost by itself: "Fine, you stay. I'm going, I'm leaving you here." You turn your back and take a few steps. Your son comes down the slide in a panic, runs after you crying and clings to your hand. It worked. But somewhere inside you there is a discomfort. "If you don't go to sleep, the bogeyman will come", "If you're naughty, the policeman will take you away", "Look, the doctor will give you an injection", "I'll give you to the man at the door"... Scaring children with the bogeyman and similar threats are phrases passed down from generation to generation in Turkey, words almost everyone grew up hearing. In this article we look at why these phrases are so common, what they turn into in a child's inner world, and how you can get your child to listen without frightening them.
Why Is Scaring Children with the Bogeyman So Common?
There is a simple reason why using fear to get obedience is so common: it works immediately. Fear is one of the most powerful emotions for stopping a child on the spot. For a tired, rushed or helpless parent, this "shortcut" is very tempting.
Another reason is that these phrases seem "harmless" to us. Most of us grew up hearing these threats and remember them often being said in a joking or affectionate tone. Grandma smiles as she says "Look, the bogeyman's coming"; a parent who says "The police will come" knows the police won't really come. But a young child cannot make that distinction.
These threats also hand responsibility from the parent to someone else. Saying "The police will take you" instead of "I'm cross with you" frees the parent from the role of the "bad guy". It is not the parent setting the rule but a frightening figure outside. This is a particularly tempting route for parents who struggle to set limits.
Social pressure also feeds this habit. Telling a child who starts crying on a dolmuş (shared minibus) "The driver will put you off" seems like the quickest way to escape the looks from other passengers. A child jumping on the sofa while visiting is told "Look, Auntie's getting cross, she won't invite you again." A child making noise in the flat at night is whispered to: "The man downstairs is going to come and knock on the door." In these moments, the parent's real concern is often not the child's behaviour but the judgement of those around them. Scaring children with the bogeyman, or using a stranger as a threat, eases the parent's embarrassment in that moment; but the child pays the price.
Ways of Frightening: Are They All the Same?
Using fear to get obedience comes in different forms, and each has a slightly different effect on a child.
Imaginary creatures: The bogeyman, the umacı (a Turkish bogeyman figure), witches, the monster in the dark... These threats have a powerful effect especially on children between two and six, because at this age the line between imagination and reality is not yet clear. For a child, the bogeyman may really be a creature waiting under the bed.
Authority figures from the real world: "The police will take you", "The doctor will give you an injection", "I'll tell your teacher and she'll keep you behind in class". These threats turn people a child should be able to trust into frightening figures.
Strangers: "I'll give you to that man", "The man at the door will take you away". These threats can lead a child to perceive the outside world as dangerous.
Threats of abandonment: "I'll leave you and go", "I'll leave you here", "If you do that, I won't be your mum any more", "I'll give you to another family". Because these threats target a child's most basic need, the reassurance that their parent will not leave them, they can leave the deepest mark.
Frightening with the parent's health: "You'll make me ill", "At this rate I'll have a heart attack", "You'll be the death of me." These phrases load guilt more than they threaten. A child may start to hold themselves responsible for their parent's health; when the parent really does fall ill, they may believe it is their fault. In some children these phrases feed the fear of losing their mother or father and can lead to anxious behaviours such as checking a parent's breathing before going to sleep at night.
How Does Scaring Children with the Bogeyman Affect Them?
Night-time fears and sleep problems
A child put to sleep with "If you don't sleep, the bogeyman will come" may indeed fall asleep out of fear. But the same fear can turn into waking in the middle of the night, nightmares, wanting to come into the parent's bed, and fear of the dark. So the words said to solve a sleep problem make it even bigger. For broader information on the fears seen in childhood, take a look at our article on childhood fears.
Fearing the people they should turn to for help
A child who has been frightened with the police may avoid approaching the very person they should ask for help if they get lost in a crowded shopping centre. A child who has been frightened with the doctor may experience a medical examination as a punishment when they really are ill. This is a consequence that directly affects a child's safety. For suggestions for children who are afraid of doctors, you can read our article on fear of the doctor in children.
Separation anxiety
A child who grows up with threats of abandonment may come to believe their parent really could leave them. This belief can lead to intense crying when starting nursery or school, fear of losing sight of the parent, and panic reactions when the parent leaves the house. "I'll leave you and go" gets the child out of the park in the short term; but in the long term it can plant the seed of separation crises at the nursery gate in the mornings. Our article on separation anxiety in children can guide you on this.
Seeing the world as a dangerous place
A child who constantly hears phrases such as "They'll take you away" or "There are bad men outside" may come to perceive the outside world as a place full of threats. This perception can show up in behaviours such as shyness in new settings, being unable to talk to an unfamiliar adult, or not wanting to go to a friend's house. At times when real fears such as earthquakes, illness or loss are already on a child's mind, made-up threats are added on top of that burden and can raise the child's overall level of anxiety.
Erosion of trust
Over time, children notice that the threats never come true. The police don't come, the bogeyman never appears, and the parent never actually leaves. At this point, one of two things can happen: either the child goes on being afraid, or they learn that their parent's words are empty. In the second case, the parent struggles to convince the child even when giving a genuinely important warning.
Suppressing feelings
A child silenced by fear learns to suppress not their behaviour but their feeling. When a child is silenced without the reason for their crying, anger or restlessness being understood, these feelings do not disappear; they can come back in other ways, such as stomach aches, nail-biting or outbursts of anger.
A child silenced by fear does not calm down; they only lower their voice. What soothes a feeling is not fear but safety.
Getting Your Child to Listen Without Frightening Them: What Can You Say?
Giving up the habit of frightening starts with knowing in advance what you will say. Below are some examples that can replace commonly used threats.
Instead of "If you don't sleep, the bogeyman will come": "It's bedtime. Your body needs to rest. I'll sit with you for a little while, then I'll go to my own room." A steady routine before sleep (bath, pyjamas, book, cuddle) helps a child drift off to sleep without fear.
Instead of "The police will come and take you": "I can't let you do that, because it's dangerous." Saying clearly that you are the one setting the rule both makes the limit clearer and protects the police as a helping figure in your child's eyes.
Instead of "The doctor will give you an injection": "You need to take this medicine; it will help you get better. It might taste a bit bitter, and afterwards you can have a sip of water if you like."
Instead of "I'll leave you and go": "We're leaving the park in five minutes." When the time is up: "Time's up, we're going now." If your child still doesn't want to come, calmly pick them up and leave together. This takes more effort than a threat, but it teaches your child that their parent will never leave them, and at the same time that the rule still stands.
When they cry on a dolmuş or while visiting: Take your child onto your lap, say quietly "You're really fed up, I know. We'll be getting off soon", and draw their attention to something visible from the window. If needed, step out of the setting for a few minutes. The looks of those around you are temporary; your child's trust in you lasts.
Instead of "I'll give you to that man": "I'm really cross right now. I need a minute to calm down." Naming your own feeling shows your child that feelings can be talked about too.
What these examples have in common is that the limit is set by the parent, with a real reason. When frightening figures are taken out of the picture, the parent puts in a little more effort at first; but over time the child learns that their parent's word draws its strength not from fear but from reliability.
If You Have Frightened Them Before: Is Repair Possible?
Yes. Children are very open to their parents correcting what they have said. You can do this in a few steps:
- Correct the frightening figure. At a calm moment you can tell your child: "I sometimes told you the police would come. That wasn't true. Police don't take children away; they help people. If you get lost or you're scared, you can go to a police officer."
- Take back the threat of abandonment. "At the park I said I'd leave you and go. I would never do that. Whatever happens, I will never leave you anywhere." You may need to repeat this reassurance several times.
- Shrink the bogeyman through play. With young children, drawing the bogeyman together, giving it a funny hat, or laughing as you say "The bogeyman doesn't really exist, I made it up" can reduce the power of the fear.
- Talk to other older members of the family. If a grandmother or a childminder uses these threats, talk to them kindly but clearly. Giving a concrete example such as "Our child is waking up at night scared of the bogeyman; could we try something else together?" is more effective than general criticism.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
When the habit of frightening is dropped and the child is given reassurance, fears usually decrease within a few weeks. However, it may be helpful to consult a specialist in the following situations:
- If your child's fears last for weeks, keep growing and affect their daily life
- If sleep problems, nightmares or waking at night have been going on for a long time
- If your child finds it extremely hard to separate from their parent, or refuses to go to nursery or school
- If they show intense panic reactions to the police, doctors or strangers
- If the fear is accompanied by physical complaints such as stomach aches or headaches
- If, as a parent, you struggle to manage your child without frightening them and constantly feel helpless
These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they may point to a period in which your child and your family need support.
How Are a Child's Fears Addressed in Therapy?
When working with a child's fears, the first step is a detailed assessment of when the fears began, in which situations they appear and how the family responds to them. In parent sessions, the language used at home and sleep and separation routines are reviewed.
In work with young children, play is the most important tool. In child-centred play therapy, a child can act out the figures they fear with toys, face them within play, and gradually take control of the fear. A police figure rescuing a child in play, or a monster being tamed, can be a sign of an important change in the child's inner world. You can find details of this approach on our child and play therapy page.
With older children, a cognitive behavioural approach can be used. The child learns to notice frightening thoughts, to question how realistic they are, and to face feared situations in small, manageable steps. Parents also receive support during this process on how to reassure their child and how to set limits without frightening them.
Frequently Asked Questions
I say it as a joke and my child laughs. Is it still harmful?
Some children can understand that phrases like these are jokes, especially at older ages. But young children cannot always tell jokes from reality, and their laughter is sometimes a way of hiding tension. Watching for signs such as your child waking at night, being afraid of the dark or struggling with separations is a good indicator.
Do the wolves and witches in fairy tales frighten children too?
Fairy tales let children meet fears from a safe distance, because in a fairy tale evil is usually defeated and the story ends safely. Listening to a story on an adult's lap also gives a sense of security. The problem is when frightening figures are used as a real threat to control a child's behaviour.
My child now hides when they see the police. How can I reduce this fear?
First acknowledge that this fear was created by the things you said, and correct them. Then you can read books that show the helping side of the police, and wave together at police officers you see in the street. If the fear lasts a long time, it is helpful to get support from a specialist.
My partner frightens our child by saying "I'll tell your dad". Is that the same thing?
This is also a form of using fear to get obedience, and it turns one of the parents into a figure to be feared in the child's eyes. Dad coming home may become something awaited with anxiety rather than joy. Each parent setting their own limit themselves, in the moment, protects both the relationship and the consistency of limits.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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