Why does teaching your child Turkish abroad get harder, and how can it get easier? Everyday routines that strengthen the bond, with practical tips for parents.
Many parents living abroad feel a pang of sadness when, one day, they notice their child answering them in a language that is foreign to them. Teaching your child Turkish is one of the most talked-about and least planned subjects in parenting away from home. For some it is an effort to keep a culture alive, for some a way to stay connected to family in Turkey, and for others it is simply the wish to "talk to my child in my own language, from the heart". In this article we look at the place of Turkish in the emotional bond with your child, why it sometimes becomes harder, and the concrete steps you can take in daily life.
Why Is Teaching Your Child Turkish So Meaningful?
A language is not only a means of communication. The lullabies a parent heard in childhood, words of affection, jokes, idioms and warm forms of address like "kuzum" (my lamb) and "canım" (my dear) often flow naturally in the mother tongue. Many parents notice that when they are angry, happy or comforting their child, they slip into Turkish on their own. This is because the deepest expression of feelings is usually linked to the language we learnt first.
For this reason, speaking Turkish with your child can mean being able to express yourself more wholly and sincerely as a parent. For the child, Turkish offers:
- The ability to talk with older relatives and extended family,
- The ability to understand the family's stories, values and history,
- Not feeling like a stranger on visits to Turkey,
- The chance to recognise and own a part of their identity.
None of this means that the child has to move away from the language or culture of the country they live in. Turkish is like a second window added to the child's world.
Signs That Speaking Turkish Is Getting Harder
In most families Turkish retreats not suddenly but gradually. The following signs can show that this process has begun:
- The child answers questions in Turkish in the language of the country they live in.
- Siblings speak only the school language among themselves.
- The parent, without realising it, is switching to the school language more and more often.
- Phone calls with relatives in Turkey are getting shorter, and the child says "I don't understand what they're saying".
- The child is embarrassed when Turkish is spoken, or says "Nobody talks like that here".
These signs are not an indicator of failure. When school, friends, television and the surroundings are constantly supporting one language, it is quite natural for the language spoken at home to fall into the background. What matters is noticing this and taking small, deliberate steps.
Why Is It Getting Harder? The Cultural Context of Language Away From Home
Tiredness and Time Pressure
Amid long hours, shift work, paperwork and the daily rush, a parent's energy runs low. Whichever language is quickest for understanding each other with the child is the one that gets used. This is nobody's fault; it is a natural consequence of living conditions.
The Parent's Own Language Experience
Some second- or third-generation parents learnt Turkish themselves at home, with a limited vocabulary. The thought "My Turkish isn't good enough, I'll teach it wrongly" can make these parents hesitant. Yet a warm conversation in Turkish with your child is worth far more than flawless grammar.
Belonging and Worry About Fitting In
Some families prefer to speak the language of the country they live in at home too, so that their child does not struggle at school. Sometimes behind this decision there is worry about the child being seen as "different" or being excluded. This worry is understandable; but a child having a strong mother-tongue foundation does not prevent them from learning the second language.
Different Languages in the Family
In mixed marriages, or in families where one partner knows little Turkish, speaking Turkish can make the other partner feel left out. In this case, it is important to make the language plan together with your partner, in a way that both sides feel included.
Visits to Turkey and the Ups and Downs After Returning
Many parents observe that when a child spends a few weeks in Turkey over the summer holiday, their Turkish quickly revives, and then soon after returning it recedes again. This ebb and flow shows how much a language is fed by its surroundings. Rather than dropping Turkish altogether after the visit, continuing the habits picked up on holiday, even in a small way, such as weekly video chats with cousins or playing at home the games learnt on holiday, can help keep what has been gained.
Expectations From Society and Older Relatives
Parents living away from home sometimes feel pressure from two directions: on one side the expectation that "the child should speak the language of this place well", on the other the question from relatives in Turkey, "Why doesn't this child know Turkish?" Being caught between these expectations can turn teaching your child Turkish from an enjoyable shared activity into an exam. Setting goals that suit your own family's values and circumstances is the first step in easing this pressure.
Language, Connection and Belonging: The Effect on Family Relationships
Speaking the same language as your child can make emotional closeness easier. Say a father comes home tired from work and asks his daughter how her day was. The girl tells him the details quickly in the school language; the father finds that language good enough for work but inadequate for emotional conversations. Over time the father withdraws from conversations, and the girl begins to think her father "doesn't understand her". The issue here is not only language but the narrowing of the ways the two of them can reach each other.
Whatever language you speak with your child, what matters most is that they go on wanting to talk to you.
Turkish can create a shared "inner language" in the family: jokes, words of affection and special rituals that only family members know. This inner language can become a safe space for the child to take refuge in on days when they are struggling in the outside world. On the other hand, using Turkish as a means of obligation and control can lead the child to associate the language with parental pressure.
In adolescence, language often becomes part of identity debates. Some young people move away from Turkish while others take a renewed interest in their roots. This ebb and flow is natural. We touch on this in more detail in our article on adolescence away from home.
Steps You Can Take in Daily Life to Teach Your Child Turkish
The suggestions below are not a "lesson plan" but small habits you can fit naturally into family life.
1. Bring Turkish Into Warm Moments
A bedtime story, breakfast in the morning, a weekend walk or car journeys are ideal moments for Turkish. Because these moments are already well suited to connection, the language also becomes linked with positive feelings.
2. Tell Your Own Stories
Tell short stories about your childhood, your hometown and your grandparents. A memory that begins "When I was your age in the village..." gives the child both vocabulary and family history.
3. Play Games
- Word hunt: Point to an object at home, and whoever finds the Turkish word gets a point.
- Turkish hour: Set a play time of twenty minutes a day in which only Turkish is spoken as a family.
- Tongue-twister contest: Learn short tongue-twisters together and see who can say them fastest.
- Kitchen chat: While cooking, describe the ingredients, tastes and smells in Turkish.
4. Don't Force the Language of the Reply, Value Understanding
When the child answers in the school language, don't cut the conversation off. You carry on in Turkish; rephrase the child's sentence in Turkish: "Ah, so you had an argument with your friend at break today." In this way the child both feels understood and hears the Turkish equivalent.
5. Build a Regular Connection With Older Relatives
Plan short weekly video calls with relatives in Turkey. Rather than forcing the child into long conversations, choose short, enjoyable activities such as showing grandmother a picture or singing a song they have just learnt. You can also gently ask the older relatives not to correct the child and to be patient and encouraging.
6. Enrich the Home Environment With Turkish Resources
Age-appropriate Turkish picture books, audiobooks, children's songs and time-limited Turkish cartoons make the language part of daily life. While keeping an eye on screen time, watching and talking about the content together, if you can, makes the language more lasting.
7. Be Kind to Yourself
On some days you won't have the energy to speak Turkish. This does not mean your effort is wasted. A language is a long journey; breaks along the way do not end it. Instead of criticising yourself with "I'm not doing enough", focus on one small thing you can do today.
8. Make a Shared Plan With Your Partner
Decide together which language will be spoken when and by whom. A partner who does not know Turkish can also join in by learning a few words or singing along with Turkish songs. This gives the child the message "This language is valued in our family".
9. Notice Small Progress
Notice and sincerely appreciate a new sentence your child makes in Turkish, a word they say to their grandmother of their own accord or their joining in with a song. A short piece of feedback such as "You told that so well" is a far more effective source of motivation than grading in the process of teaching your child Turkish.
For the more general aspects of raising bilingual children abroad, take a look at our article on bilingual children.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Speaking Turkish with your child is, in most families, at times a challenging but manageable process. Getting support from a specialist can be helpful in the following situations:
- If the language issue is constantly leading to arguments, crying or angry outbursts at home,
- If the child clearly struggles to express themselves in either language,
- If the child is excluded or feels ashamed at school because of their origins or language,
- If, as a parent, you are experiencing intense guilt, a sense of inadequacy or deep sadness about living away from home,
- If disagreements between partners about language and culture are wearing the relationship down.
For questions about speech and language development, it is important to ask for an assessment from your paediatrician or from speech and language therapists in the country where you live. If there is an emergency threatening safety, in the family or involving the child, call the emergency number of the country you are in (112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia). Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in cases of severe risk, local emergency services and local mental health services are needed.
How Do We Work in Mother-Tongue Online Therapy?
In mother-tongue sessions with parents, the subject usually goes beyond the wish that "my child should know Turkish". Behind this wish there is often homesickness, a sense of responsibility towards the family, a fear of losing roots or the parent's own childhood experiences. A therapy setting where Turkish is spoken can make it easier to talk about these layers without having to explain the cultural context at length. These sessions can be used alongside, not instead of, the school, paediatrician or local counselling services in the country where you live.
Work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) may include the following steps:
- Mapping the family's language: Together we look at who speaks which language at home and when, and at which moments Turkish recedes.
- Noticing thoughts: We address thoughts such as "If my child doesn't speak Turkish, I'll let my family down" and their effect on feelings.
- Setting realistic goals: Instead of perfect Turkish, small, measurable goals are set, such as "a Turkish story three evenings a week".
- Communication skills: We work on ways of keeping up Turkish conversation without correcting or forcing the child.
- Planning as a couple: If needed, together with partners, a family language plan is built in which both sides feel included.
For online sessions, a quiet and private room, headphones and a secure connection are enough; suitable time slots can be planned taking time differences into account. Payments are made online and payment with an international card is possible. We recommend that you check the conditions in the country where you live for insurance reimbursement. You can find out how sessions from abroad work on our online therapy page, and other articles for families abroad on our page for Turks living abroad.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the best age to teach a child Turkish?
A language is acquired most easily at an early age, within daily life. But it is possible to start at any age. With older children, books, music or visits to Turkey that suit their interests can increase motivation.
My Turkish isn't very good either. Should I still speak it?
Yes, in most cases your speaking is valuable. What matters to the child is hearing the language within a warm bond with you. Improving your own Turkish with books, songs or Turkish-speaking friends can also make the process enjoyable.
My child is embarrassed when Turkish is spoken. What should I do?
Behind embarrassment there is usually a worry about looking different. Don't force them to speak Turkish in crowded settings; keep the language enjoyable at home and in safe settings. Talking to your child about this feeling without judging it, and showing that both cultures are valuable, helps.
Does speaking Turkish negatively affect the child's school language?
A strong mother-tongue foundation does not prevent most children from learning the second language. School, the circle of friends and daily life already support the school language intensively. Even so, if you notice marked difficulty in the school language, it is recommended that you work together with teachers.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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