Why does a teenager who wants to be popular compromise who they are? We explore the need for acceptance at school, its risks and how families can offer support.
A young person who, only a term ago, loved reading, drawing and spending time with their cousins starts the new term by changing their clothes, the way they talk and even the jokes they laugh at. To get into the school's "big" group, they ignore their old friends, check the number of likes on social media for hours, and are devastated for days when they are not invited to a party. A teenager who wants to be popular is both a familiar and a worrying picture for families. This wish is not a problem in itself; the need to belong is one of the basic parts of human nature, and it peaks in adolescence. But when the desire for acceptance leads a young person to give up their values, their safety and being themselves, the cost can become heavy. In this article we look at the psychology behind the wish to be popular, when it carries risks, and how the family can accompany the young person.
What Is a Teenager Who Wants to Be Popular Looking For?
In adolescence the centre of a young person's world shifts from the family towards the peer group. This shift is part of healthy development: young people learn to build an identity outside the family, develop relationships and find a place within a community. During this process the question "Do they accept me?" can directly determine the young person's mood.
Behind the wish to be popular there are usually the following needs:
- Belonging: Being part of a group eases the fear of being left alone.
- Feeling valued: Other people's attention feeds the young person's sense that "I matter".
- Feeling safe: Young people who are excluded or mocked at school may try to protect themselves by joining a popular group.
- Trying out identities: By trying themselves out in different roles, young people try to discover who they are.
A teenager who wants to be popular often cannot put these needs into words. Sentences like "Everyone wears that brand" or "I'm the only one not going" are actually a way of saying "I'm afraid of being left out." When a parent focuses only on the request itself, they may miss this fear.
All of these needs are legitimate. The problem begins when popularity is seen as the only way to meet them. For more on the young person's search for identity, you can read our article on identity in adolescence.
Two Kinds of Popularity: Being Liked and Being Visible
Studies in developmental psychology describe two different kinds of "popularity" among peers. The first is young people who are liked: their friends enjoy spending time with them, trust them, and are there for them when they ask for help. The second is young people who are visible and seen as having high status: everyone knows them, what they wear and what they do is talked about, but this does not always mean they are liked.
Visible young people may at times turn to behaviours such as excluding others, mocking them or taking risks in order to keep this position. Research shows that status-focused popularity can be associated with risky behaviour in some young people, while relationships based on being liked do more to protect mental health.
This distinction can be useful for families when talking with a young person. Asking a teenager who says "I want to be popular" a question like "What makes you feel good: lots of people knowing who you are, or a few people really trusting you?" can help them notice what they truly need.
How Does the Desire for Acceptance Show Up in Behaviour?
In a teenager who wants to be popular, the following changes may be seen:
- Rapid, noticeable changes in clothing, hair, make-up or the way they speak
- Strong insistence on branded products, the latest phone or expensive activities
- Suddenly dropping old friendships
- Excessive preoccupation with posts, likes and follower counts on social media
- Giving up hobbies or interests the group does not approve of
- Avoiding introducing their family to friends or being seen with them
- Joining in rule-breaking behaviour to be accepted by the group
Let's say a young person who has just started ninth grade sees the class's big group making fun of a student at break time. Even though they do not want to join in at all, they start laughing, because they are afraid that if they do not, they will be the next target. When they come home in the evening they are uneasy but cannot explain why. This picture shows how the need for acceptance can clash with a young person's own values. In a situation like this, rather than snapping "Why were you laughing, isn't that shameful?", talking about what they felt at that moment and why it was hard gives them the courage to act differently next time. For more detail on the pressure a group creates, our article on peer pressure may be helpful.
From Middle School to High School: When Does Popularity Pressure Increase?
The need for acceptance is not felt with the same intensity at every stage of adolescence. Certain transitions noticeably increase it.
Changes of school come first among these. A young person who starts a new high school after LGS (Turkey's national high-school entrance exam) has often been separated from their old friends and entered a setting where no one knows them. In the first weeks, which group they join feels as if it will decide the rest of the school year. That is why many young people try to present themselves differently at a new school.
Moving home and changing city has a similar effect. The family moving to another city for work, a forced move after an earthquake, or a move from a big city to a small district resets the young person's social map. A young person trying to work out the rules of a new environment may feel pushed to adapt quickly in order to be accepted.
Early adolescence, roughly between twelve and fourteen, is one of the periods when worry about popularity is at its most intense. At these ages, physical changes, comparison with peers and the wish to look "normal" come together. In late adolescence, most young people start to trust their own values and the close relationships they have chosen more.
During these transition periods, reading rapid changes in a young person's behaviour as an effort to adapt to a new environment helps the family stay calmer.
How Has Social Media Changed Popularity?
Popularity used to be lived out in the school corridor, at break time or in the neighbourhood. Today it sits in the young person's pocket and can be measured at every hour of the day. Numbers of likes, comments, followers and views have turned into instant, visible signs of acceptance.
This is challenging in several ways:
- Constant comparison: Young people compare their own ordinary day with other people's carefully selected moments.
- The visibility of exclusion: They find out instantly, through shared photos, that they were not invited to a get-together.
- Permanence: A momentary mistake or an embarrassing image can circulate for a long time through screenshots.
- No break: The social stage does not close even when school ends; the young person feels "on stage" at home too.
Sharing risky content, revealing personal information or interacting with strangers in order to look popular are behaviours to watch for during this period. Our article on teenagers and social media offers families detailed suggestions on this.
How Can the Family Support a Teenager Who Wants to Be Popular?
Fighting the young person's wish to be popular head-on often backfires. Sentences like "These kids aren't your friends" or "You can't go out in those clothes" can place the young person on the group's side against their family. More helpful approaches are the following.
Listen without belittling
Saying "Popularity, what nonsense, it's pointless" invalidates the feeling the young person is going through. For them, not being invited to a birthday party is genuinely painful. Saying "That really upset you" keeps the door to conversation open.
Be curious, don't interrogate
Ask with curiosity about the young person's friendship group, what counts as "cool" at school, and who is seen as important and why. An interested rather than interrogating attitude encourages them to tell you more. During these conversations you may also hear which behaviours make them uncomfortable.
Think about values together
Questions like "What matters most to you in a friendship?" or "What wouldn't you do to be part of a group?" help the young person notice their own limits. It is more lasting for them to put these limits into words themselves than for you to dictate them.
Open up spaces outside school
A sports club, a music group, volunteering, scouting or a workshop gives the young person a chance to feel valued somewhere outside the social hierarchy at school. A young person who feels worthless at school may find a different identity in a team or a choir.
Hold the line on material requests
Branded clothes, an expensive phone or costly activities with friends can strain the family budget, especially at times when the rising cost of living is keenly felt. Understanding the young person's wish does not mean buying everything they want. Talking openly about the budget, suggesting they save part of it from their own pocket money, and making room for their disappointment when the answer is "no" is a healthy balance.
Review your own attitude
It is important to ask whether you as a parent are also contributing to this pressure, through comparisons such as "The neighbour's daughter is so sociable, why aren't you?" or through efforts to prove to the outside world how well liked your child is.
For a young person, real strength lies not in being known by everyone, but in being accepted as themselves by a few people.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The wish to be accepted is ordinary in adolescence. However, in the following situations it can be helpful to get support from a professional:
- If the young person takes part in risky behaviour such as alcohol, smoking, substance use or dangerous challenges in order to be accepted
- If they have become part of a group that bullies someone else, or are being bullied themselves
- If they withdraw for long periods when excluded, do not want to go to school, or experience changes in sleep and appetite
- If they are dieting excessively or exercising intensely to change their body
- If reactions on social media markedly and persistently determine their mood
- If they express thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness or "Nobody wants me"
If a young person talks about harming themselves or ending their life, take it seriously; if there is immediate risk, call 112 (emergency services) without delay.
How Is a Teenager Who Wants to Be Popular Supported in Therapy?
In adolescent counselling, the aim is not to eliminate the young person's wish to be popular, but to find ways in which they can meet their need for acceptance without harming themselves.
In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, thoughts such as "If I'm not popular, nobody will like me" or "If I'm excluded once, it's all over" are identified, and how realistic they are is weighed up together. The young person is encouraged to discover other sources that nourish their worth rather than treating the number of likes as the measure of their value. Skills such as social skills, being able to say "no" and making decisions under group pressure are also practised.
From a schema-focused perspective, in some young people the desire for acceptance may be rooted in early patterns known as "approval-seeking" or "social isolation". These patterns grow stronger as the young person becomes used to judging themselves through other people's eyes. In therapy, an effort is made to understand where these patterns come from and how they work today.
In sessions with parents, the work focuses on understanding the young person's world, holding limits around material requests, and small steps that nurture the young person's self-esteem within the family. A parent's own experiences of exclusion or acceptance in their teenage years can, without their realising it, shape how they react to their child today. For example, a mother who suffered greatly because she could never make friends at school may say an unconditional yes to every social invitation her daughter gets; on the other hand, a father who always kept away from crowded groups may see his son's social life as a needless distraction. Noticing these connections helps parents accompany the young person from a more balanced place.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal for my child to want to be popular?
Yes, being accepted by peers is an important need in adolescence. If this wish leads the young person to give up their own values, their safety or their old relationships entirely, it calls for closer attention.
I don't approve of their friendship group. Should I ban it?
Banning friendships usually leads the young person to lean further towards that group and to hide things from you. If there is no concrete risk, sharing your concerns calmly, talking about the group's behaviour and opening up alternative social spaces for the young person is more effective. If there is a situation that threatens their safety, a clear limit needs to be set.
Should I worry about a young person who isn't popular and has few friends?
A young person with few friends is generally doing well as long as they have a few close and trustworthy relationships. What really needs attention is whether they are suffering from loneliness and whether they are experiencing exclusion or bullying.
Does closing their social media account help?
Closing the account all at once can make the young person feel cut off from their peers and punished. Creating rules together about time spent, privacy settings and the content they share is usually a more sustainable path.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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