Why does teenage clothing style trouble families so much? What hair and clothes mean in adolescence, how to talk without rows and which signs deserve attention.
The morning of a religious holiday. Everyone is ready to go to Grandma's, and your son comes out of his room: black trousers ripped at the knees, a hoodie two sizes too big, and hair dyed blue, the decision that has kept you on edge for weeks. The first thing that crosses your mind is who will say what at the family table. What crosses your son's mind is probably "Here we go, they're going to interfere again today." Teenage clothing style is one of the most frequently argued-about yet least understood topics at home. For the parent the issue is very often appropriateness, other people and safety; for the young person, clothing is the first and most visible answer they give to the question "Who am I?" In this article we look at what young people are searching for through hair, clothes and appearance, which objections damage the relationship, and which changes in appearance call for a closer look.
Why Does Teenage Clothing Style Matter So Much?
Adolescence is a period in which the search for identity is experienced intensely. The young person stops being someone who wears the clothes the family chose for them as a child, someone defined by the family, and begins to define themselves. The easiest area in which to try out this definition is appearance. Going around for a while in nothing but sportswear, refusing to take off a band's T-shirt for days, dressing entirely in black one term and in bright colours the next: each of these can be part of the young person exploring which identity fits by "trying different identities on".
Appearance is also a tool of belonging. Teenagers want both to be different and to belong to a group. Wanting the trainers their classmates wear or following a particular haircut has to do with the young person's need to be accepted in their peer group. So although the sentence "Everyone dresses like this" may sound like an excuse to the parent, for the young person it expresses a real concern.
Finally, clothing is also a reflection of the relationship a teenager has with their body. A young person trying to make peace with a rapidly changing body sometimes wants to show it and sometimes to hide it. Baggy clothes, hoods and hair covering the face are sometimes nothing more than fashion; at other times they show that the young person wants to protect themselves a little from the world.
For the broader framework of identity development, the article on identity in adolescence can be a useful starting point.
Why Does Teenage Clothing Style Lead to Conflict in Families?
Parents' objections are usually fed by three sources.
The "What will people say?" worry: In Turkey, appearance can be seen not only as a personal choice but as part of the family's social image. The gaze of the neighbour, the relative and the teacher matters to the parent. Holiday visits, weddings, engagement parties and funerals are the times when this worry is felt most intensely.
Safety concerns: The parent worries that a particular look may lead to the young person being excluded, bullied or attracting unwanted attention. This concern very often comes from genuine love, but it mostly reaches the young person as a prohibition.
The feeling of losing control: For years you decided what your child wore. That decision gradually shifting towards them can be a concrete moment in which the parent has to accept that their child is growing up. Sometimes the objection "That hair is not happening" actually carries the feeling "I'm not ready for my child to move away from me."
None of these three concerns is unfounded. But the language that reaches the young person is very often sentences like "What on earth do you look like?", "You're not going out like that, are you?" and "Don't embarrass us." From these sentences the young person hears not the worry but that they are not liked and are a source of shame. A teenager who is constantly criticised about their appearance may experience it as criticism of their personality.
When Teenage Clothing Style Changes, What Might Lie Behind It?
Most changes in a young person's style are an ordinary part of development. Even so, it is worth remembering that appearance says something. Looking with a curious eye gives you far more information than looking with a judgemental one.
- A new group or interest: A music genre, a sport, a gaming community or a group of friends can change a young person's appearance quickly. This shows that the young person is trying to belong somewhere new.
- A role model: An artist or content creator they follow can influence a young person's appearance. Being curious about who they want to look like gives a clue about who they want to be.
- A need to set themselves apart: A young person who is especially compared with their siblings, or who is expected to be "like their big brother", may try to break away from that expectation through their appearance.
- Mood: Sometimes appearance reflects a change in the young person's inner world. Suddenly not looking after themselves at all, neglecting personal hygiene or, conversely, spending hours anxiously working on their appearance can be signs that deserve attention.
Let's say your fourteen-year-old daughter suddenly started wearing nothing but baggy tracksuits and hoodies after the summer holiday. Your first reaction might be to say "Girls don't dress like that." Yet if you approach with curiosity, you may find one of two very different stories. Perhaps she has joined a group of friends in her class who have adopted this style, and she feels she belongs somewhere for the first time. Or perhaps she heard a comment about her rapidly changing body and feels the need to hide it. The same clothes can express two different needs; you can only find out which one applies by listening to her.
How Should You Approach Your Teenager's Style? Advice for Parents
Be curious first
"Why did you want this hair?" provokes defensiveness when asked in an accusing tone, but opens a door when asked with genuine curiosity. Questions like "What do you like most about this style?" and "Where did you see it?" make room for the young person to explain themselves. Even if the answer seems unimportant to you, remember that it matters to them.
Separate the permanent from the temporary
Hair grows, dye fades, clothes change. Most decisions about appearance can be reversed, and trying them out, making mistakes and dropping them is also part of a young person's learning. In all likelihood the blue hair will turn into a funny memory in a photograph a few months from now. Saving your energy for decisions that cannot be reversed or that affect health protects the relationship.
A few clear rules, a wide area of freedom
Negotiating over everything is exhausting. Set a small number of rules with clear reasons: following the school dress code, dressing appropriately for the weather, and finding a shared middle ground on certain days that really matter to the family (for example a funeral or the civil wedding of a close relative). Leave the area outside these to the young person. Having few rules makes it easier for the existing ones to be taken seriously.
Find a middle ground together for family occasions
Rather than having a crisis just before a holiday visit, talk a few days in advance. Saying "What would you like to wear at Grandma's? I have this concern too; shall we find a middle ground together?" can prevent a last-minute argument. Standing by your teenager when a relative comments sends them a very powerful message: "Even if your appearance bothers me, I will protect you." It is enough to back this up with a short explanation to the relative: "They're trying out their own style; it's fine with us."
Trust your teenager with a budget
Arguments about clothes often turn into arguments about money. Setting an age-appropriate clothing budget in advance and leaving the spending to the young person both teaches responsibility and prevents every shopping trip from turning into a row. At times when the cost of living is keenly felt, talking openly about this budget also helps the young person understand the family's circumstances. For teenagers who insist on particular brands, you can find detailed advice in the article on teenagers who want designer clothes.
Don't turn clothing into a reward or a punishment
Sentences such as "If your grades improve I'll buy you those trainers" or "With that attitude you can forget about that hair" turn appearance into a bargaining chip. In that case the young person learns that their way of expressing themselves depends on the family's approval, and appearance becomes part of the power struggle in the relationship. Discussing rules about schoolwork, responsibility and behaviour in their own right, and keeping teenage clothing style separate from them, helps both the rules and the relationship stay clearer.
Avoid commenting on their body
Comments directed at the body, such as "Those trousers make you look fat" or "You can't wear that T-shirt when you're this thin", can damage a young person's body image even when made with good intentions. If you are going to talk about clothes, talk about the setting and what is appropriate, not about the body.
Don't use different standards for siblings
In many homes a son's ripped jeans may be tolerated while his sister's short skirt becomes a major argument; or, conversely, a boy who grows his hair long is told "Is this how a man goes about?" while every choice the girl makes is allowed. Young people notice these inconsistencies very quickly and experience them as unfair. The reason behind your rules should not be gender or birth order, but safety, setting and age. If, when explaining a rule, you can say "I would have said the same thing to your brother or sister", you are on the right track.
Remember your own adolescence
In your own adolescence there was probably also a hairstyle, a pair of trousers or a band that your family disliked. Remembering how you felt then can help you understand what your teenager is going through now. Sharing this memory with them can even ease the tension between you.
A young person's appearance is a draft of who they are trying to become. Being curious about the draft rather than criticising it leads to the real picture being drawn together.
When Is a Closer Look Needed?
Teenage clothing style is usually nothing more than a style. However, in some cases a change in appearance may be the outward reflection of something the young person is struggling with:
- Insisting on long sleeves even on the hottest summer days, clearly avoiding showing their arms or legs
- Baggy clothes that hide the body completely, together with marked changes in eating patterns and weight
- Neglecting personal care and hygiene for weeks, struggling to get out of bed, no longer enjoying things they used to love
- Worry about appearance getting in the way of daily life: spending hours in front of the mirror, not wanting to go to school or go out because of how they look
- Telling you that they are being mocked, excluded or bullied at school because of their appearance
An insistence on long sleeves can sometimes show that the young person is trying to hide marks on their body caused by self-harm. If you have such a suspicion, talk calmly rather than angrily and seek support from a specialist. If you think the young person is in danger to their life, call 112 (emergency services) without delay.
How Are Appearance and Identity Issues Addressed in Therapy?
Conflict around a young person's appearance does not, on its own, usually require therapy. However, if this conflict is seriously wearing down the relationship, or if a struggle can be sensed behind the appearance, adolescent counselling can be helpful.
In sessions with the young person, what appearance means to them, how they define themselves, how they feel among their peers and their relationship with their body are discussed. From a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy perspective, thoughts such as "If I don't look like this, nobody will like me" or "Everyone is looking at me and making fun of me" can be examined, and work is done to develop a more balanced perspective. If there are difficulties with body image or situations such as self-harm, these are addressed as a priority.
In sessions with parents, the developmental tasks of adolescence, the source of the parents' worries and healthier ways of conveying these worries to the young person are discussed. Striking a balance between the parent's own values and the young person's need for autonomy is one of the main goals of therapy. Where needed, in sessions attended by the young person and parents together, shared rules are set jointly.
Frequently Asked Questions
My daughter wants to dye her hair; should I let her?
Hair dye is a reversible decision and very often a harmless way for a young person to try themselves out. Provided that suitable products are used for health reasons, school rules are taken into account and the cost is discussed, leaving this decision largely to the young person can strengthen the relationship.
My son wears nothing but black every day; is this a symptom of depression?
Wearing black is not, on its own, a symptom of depression; very often it is a style or a wish to be part of a group. However, if it is accompanied by signs such as low mood, changes in sleep and appetite or withdrawing from friends, it is helpful to see a specialist.
My teenager doesn't want to follow the school dress code; what should I do?
School rules are not an area the family can change on its own, and the young person is expected to follow them. If they think the rules are unnecessary, you can suggest they raise their objection appropriately through the student representative or the school management. Leaving the time outside school to their own choice reduces the tension.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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