Bad Friends: When You're Worried About Your Teenager's Friends

Worried your teenager has fallen in with bad friends? Which friendships carry real risk, why bans backfire and how you can guide a young person without a rift.

It is the second month of Year 10. After school your son no longer hangs out with his old friends but with a new group you have never met. In the group there is a boy whose parents are always at work in the evenings, so his flat stands empty all day. New words are coming out of your son's mouth, his phone buzzes constantly, and the time he comes home stretches a little later every week. A familiar fear grows inside you: will this circle of bad friends drag him onto a completely different path? In this article we look at how you can tell genuinely worrying friendships apart from friendships that simply feel unfamiliar to you, why bans so often backfire, and how you can protect your relationship while guiding the young person.

Teenager Bad Friends: What Does "Bad Company" Actually Mean?

The phrase "bad friends" is used often among parents, but its meaning is usually vague. For one parent, a bad friend is a young person who dyes their hair, wears black or has low grades; for another, it is one who smokes, comes home late or goes places without their family knowing. This vagueness also makes it harder for parents to explain their concern to the young person.

A useful distinction is the difference between style and behaviour. Clothing, taste in music, way of speaking, the family's socio-economic situation or school performance do not on their own make a friend "bad". What justifies concern is the behaviour the friendship group draws your teenager into:

• A group that pressures your teenager to do things they do not want to do, and mocks or excludes them when they refuse
• Smoking, alcohol or drug use being an ordinary part of the group
• Behaviours such as skipping school, stealing or fighting turning into shared entertainment
• Plans that require your teenager to keep hiding things from their family
• People noticeably older being part of the group and providing the young person with gifts, money or transport

It also helps for parents to put their own worries through this filter. Sometimes what we describe as "bad company" is actually a young person who is different from the circle we grew up in: one whose parents are divorced, who has come from another city, or who stirs up the worry of "what will the neighbours say". Asking yourself, "Exactly which behaviour of this friend am I worried about?" is the first step in separating prejudice from real risk.

This picture shows the difference between "I don't like your friends" and "I'm worried that your friends are taking you to places where you could get hurt." The second sentence offers the young person something concrete to talk about.

Why Does a Teenager Gravitate Towards That Group?

Behind a young person turning towards a group their parents disapprove of, there is usually a need waiting to be met.

The need to belong. In adolescence, the peer group is the most important arena in which a young person tests their identity. A young person who has not been accepted in other groups may cling tightly to the first group that accepts them without question.

Being seen and feeling powerful. Being part of a group that defies the rules and appears fearless can give a sense of power to a young person who feels worthless or invisible.

The wish to get away from home. For a young person who experiences constant conflict, criticism or loneliness at home, a group the family completely disapproves of can be both a refuge and a form of rebellion.

The search for excitement. The adolescent brain is more sensitive to novelty and reward. Risky behaviour, especially in front of peers, is more tempting to a young person.

A changing school environment. The move to a new high school after the LGS (Turkey's national high-school entrance exam), moving house or changing school causes a young person to lose their old network of friends. The first group to reach out in the new setting inevitably becomes their new circle.

Understanding these needs matters, because an intervention focused only on removing the group does not touch the need itself, and the young person goes on meeting the same need with another group. We discussed in more detail why young people cannot say "no" to the group in our article on peer pressure.

Why Do Bans So Often Backfire?

A parent's first reflex is usually to ban: "You are never seeing that boy again." After this sentence, the following usually happens:

• The young person does not stop seeing the friend; they start hiding it.
• The banned friend becomes more attractive in the young person's eyes, rising to the position of "the one who understands me when my family doesn't".
• The parent loses their most important source of information about what is happening in the young person's life: the young person themselves.
• The young person feels that their family is judging not their friends but them: "They don't trust my choices."

Let's take an example. A mother tells her sixteen-year-old daughter, "You are never seeing that girl again." The next day, the daughter meets her friend after school and comes home saying, "I was at the library." A few weeks later, the mother no longer has any idea where her daughter is. Yet before the ban she at least knew who her daughter was with and where. The ban has not reduced the risk; it has only made it invisible.

Of course, in some situations a clear limit is needed, especially if the young person's safety is in direct danger. But such a limit is more effective when it is aimed at behaviour rather than at a person. Rather than "You can't see that boy", rules such as "You can't be out after nine in the evening" or "You can't go to homes we don't know" are both enforceable and not perceived as an attack on the young person's identity.

Banning a young person's friends does not move them away from those friends; it moves them away from telling you.

Ways of Getting to Know Your Teenager's Friends

Worry is often fed by the unknown. The better you get to know your teenager's friends, the easier it becomes to tell which of your concerns are real and which are prejudice.

Open your home. Allowing, even encouraging, their friends to come round is the most natural way to get to know them on your own ground. A tray of toasted sandwiches, a football match or a games night helps young people feel comfortable in your home. When the place young people meet is your home, you naturally see what they are doing as well.

Be the driver. Dropping their friends somewhere by car, or picking them up from the school bus stop or a course, is a unique opportunity to listen to them. Young people in the back seat quickly forget the driver is there, and the conversations among them tell you a great deal about the group.

Build links with other parents. Getting to know the families of your teenager's friends in the class parents' group or at school events creates a communication network about where the young people are. It is important to build this not as a surveillance network but as a shared safety net.

Remember your own friendships. In your own adolescence, you may also have had a friend your family did not like. What did that friendship give you, how did your family react, and how did that reaction make you feel? Asking yourself these questions helps you meet what your teenager is going through with more understanding.

Ask with curiosity. Rather than interrogating questions such as "Who is that boy, what do his parents do?", questions such as "Who do you laugh with most?" or "What do you like most about this group?" increase the young person's willingness to tell you about their friends.

How Do You Talk to Your Teenager About Worries Over Bad Friends?

You do need to share your concern with the young person; but it is important that this is an invitation to think, not an accusation.

Talk about behaviour, not the person. Saying "I heard you skipped school last week, and I'm worried about where that could lead you" instead of "That boy is a layabout" lets the young person listen without becoming defensive.

Ask for the young person's own observations. Questions such as "How do you feel when you're with these friends?" or "Has there been a time when you felt you had to do something you didn't want to?" let the young person weigh up their own experience. Young people often realise that a group is not good for them, but telling a parent this is hard because it feels like saying "You were right."

Set up an exit plan. Agree on a code in advance so that the young person can leave a situation without losing face. For example, discuss that when they send you nothing but a full stop, you can call them and say, "You need to come home right now, your grandmother has arrived." That way the young person leaves not "because they were scared" in front of their friends, but "because their family called them". A plan like this lets the young person feel they can turn to you at a difficult moment.

Widen the alternatives. If the young person's only social circle is the group you are worried about, support them in building another one. A sports club, a music or drama course, scouting, volunteering or municipal youth centres can offer the young person a different place to belong. What matters here is that the young person chooses an area they are genuinely interested in; a course chosen by the parent can be perceived as just another obligation.

If you are curious how decisive the search for identity is in this period, our article on identity development in adolescence can help you understand the background.

Real Warning Signs

Some situations go beyond a debate about "choice of friends" and call for a quicker, more decisive stance:

• If your teenager has a close relationship with someone much older, especially if this person provides them with money, gifts, cigarettes or transport
• If you see new belongings, money or phones on your teenager that they cannot explain
• If there are signs of substance use: red eyes, marked mood changes, sudden disruption of sleep and appetite
• If the young person says they are afraid of a member of the group, have been threatened or have been put into debt
• If the group is involved in violence, theft or other illegal behaviour

It is also worth remembering that friendship circles now form not only at school and on the street but also online. People met on gaming servers, in messaging groups or on social media enter a young person's life through a door the parent never sees. So worries about bad friends should also cover the relationships on the young person's screen; but again, through open conversation, not secret monitoring.

In these situations the young person's safety comes first. It may be necessary to contact the school management and the guidance service and, if needed, to seek support from the police. If you suspect that an adult is exploiting a young person, talk about it calmly with the young person and report it to the authorities without delay.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Worrying about a young person's choice of friends is an ordinary part of parenting. However, consulting a professional may be useful in the following situations:

• If, along with the friendship circle, there has been a marked change in your teenager's behaviour, school performance and mood
• If the young person can only connect with this group and cannot form other social relationships
• If the friendship issue has become a constant and escalating source of conflict at home
• If substance use, skipping school or legal problems have begun
• If the young person says they want to leave the group but cannot, or that they are afraid

How Are Choice of Friends and Peer Influence Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy, choice of friends is approached not as something the young person is judged for, but as a way of understanding their needs and values. In the counselling for teenagers process, work may focus on the following areas:

Exploring needs: The young person talks about why they are drawn to this group and what feeling the group gives them. When needs such as belonging, feeling powerful and being accepted are named, other ways of meeting these needs also become visible.

Clarifying values: What matters to the young person, and which behaviours conflict with their own values, are discussed together. Rather than rules imposed from outside, the young person's own values become a stronger compass in choosing friends.

Skills for saying no: Using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques, the thoughts the young person has when under pressure from the group are examined, and sentences they can use in difficult situations are practised through role-play.

Working with the family: With the parents, how to voice concerns about the young person's friends, on which matters to set clear limits and how to protect the relationship with the young person are discussed.

Frequently Asked Questions

Will changing school cut a teenager off from their circle of friends?

Changing school can sometimes be a way of getting away from a genuinely risky environment. But if the needs that drew the young person to that group are not addressed, it is likely that they will find a similar group at the new school. It is healthier to make this decision together with the young person and with a professional's opinion.

Should I go to their friend's family and tell them what's going on?

This can cause serious embarrassment for the young person among their friends. If there is no concrete safety concern, it is better to talk to your teenager first. If there is a real risk, communicating with the other family in language based on shared concern rather than blame works better.

My daughter is hanging out with young people a few years older than her. Should I be worried?

An age gap, especially in adolescence, can shift the balance of power and lead a young person into settings that are not appropriate for their age. Try to get to know this group and talk about where and how they meet up; if a close relationship with an adult is involved, treat it as a serious warning sign.

My teenager says "Don't interfere with my friends". Are they right?

Choosing friends is an important part of a young person's autonomy, and there is some justice in this demand. But as a parent, your responsibility to voice concerns about their safety continues. It is possible to strike this balance by talking about behaviour rather than about the friends themselves.

• #teenage friendships
• #peer relationships
• #parenting
• #risky behaviour

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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