What does the child of parents who fight go through as a teenager? How constant arguments at home affect them, and steps parents can take to ease the load.
It is eleven o'clock at night. The raised voices from the kitchen have started again. The fifteen-year-old puts on headphones and turns the music up as far as it goes, but can still hear the words coming through the door. At breakfast tomorrow everyone will act as if nothing happened; Mum will try to hide her puffy eyes, Dad will switch on the news. When the child of parents who fight reaches adolescence, they no longer experience this scene only with fear, as a small child would; they try to understand it, interpret it, take sides and sometimes even fix it. Parents often think "He's grown up, he'll understand" or "She's in her room, she can't hear." Yet teenagers usually perceive the tension at home in far more detail than adults imagine. In this article we look at the effects of parental arguments on a teenager, the difference between healthy disagreements and harmful ones, and what parents can do to ease this burden.
Is Every Argument Harmful?
First, a misunderstanding needs correcting: it is neither possible nor necessary for parents never to argue. It is natural for two adults to have different opinions, needs and expectations. When young people see disagreements being discussed respectfully and ending in a compromise, they actually learn something valuable: people can be angry with each other and think differently, yet the relationship can still continue.
What harms a young person is less the argument itself than its form, its frequency and whether it gets resolved. The following features increase the likelihood that parental conflict will leave more negative effects on a teenager:
- Being frequent and intense: Arguments that happen almost every day and turn into shouting
- Demeaning and threatening language: Insults, belittling, threats such as "I'm going to leave you"
- Physical violence or damaging belongings
- Remaining unresolved: Days of not speaking after a row, a silent coldness
- The young person being caught in the middle: Being pushed to choose a side or becoming the subject of the argument
- Tension that people try to hide but that is still felt: No open fighting, yet a constant icy atmosphere at home
For a general framework on how conflicts between parents can be managed, have a look at our article on family conflict.
What Does the Child of Parents Who Fight Go Through in Adolescence?
Adolescence is a period in which young people are already emotionally sensitive and are shaping their identity and their beliefs about relationships. Constant tension at home can affect this process in several ways.
Emotional effects
Anxiety, tension, irritability, sadness and hopelessness are common in young people who constantly witness arguments. Some teenagers are always "on alert" at home; they try to sense from footsteps, the way a door closes or a look that a row is coming. This constant state of alertness can lead over time to tiredness and attention problems.
Changes in behaviour
Some young people look for ways to stay away from home: staying out late, sleeping at friends' houses, never leaving their room. Others let their anger out; they get into fights at school, oppose rules, clash with their siblings. Some, on the contrary, try to be the "perfect child", suppressing their own needs entirely so as not to cause trouble at home.
School and exams
Arguments that go on until midnight disrupt sleep and make it hard to concentrate in lessons the next day. For a young person preparing for the LGS or YKS (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams), the lack of a calm place to study at home can harm both academic performance and exam anxiety.
Beliefs about relationships
Teenagers build their model of how close relationships work largely from what they see at home. A young person who watches a couple constantly fighting may develop beliefs such as "This is what love is", "Relationships always hurt" or "You can't trust anyone". These beliefs may later be reflected in their own friendships and romantic relationships.
Caught in the Middle: When a Young Person Is Pushed to Take Sides
One of the heaviest effects of parental conflict on a teenager is being caught in the middle. Unlike young children, teenagers can understand what the arguments are about and form opinions about who is "right". Parents, too, sometimes try to pull the young person onto their side without realising it.
This can look like:
- One parent complaining to the young person about the other: "Your father came home late again, you see that, don't you?"
- Using the young person as a go-between or messenger: "Tell your mother this month's rent is down to her."
- Expecting approval or support from the young person: "You agree with me too, don't you?"
- Seeing the young person's closeness to one parent as disloyalty
Let us say a sixteen-year-old girl listens every evening to what her mother says about her father, comforts her, and over time starts to feel anger towards her father. At the same time she feels guilty because she loves him. This inner conflict makes it harder for the young person to recognise her own feelings and pushes her into an adult role unsuited to her age. Our article I'm caught between my parents, which looks at this in detail, may offer guidance to those living with this sense of being trapped.
For a young person, having to choose between their parents is like giving up half of themselves; keeping your child out of your arguments is one of the most important protections you can give them.
Why Do Young People Feel Responsible?
Many young people who witness parental conflict hold themselves responsible for these rows in some way. There may be several reasons for this. If some of the arguments really do start over matters to do with the young person, such as grades, spending or rules, they easily conclude "They're fighting because of me." Others take it upon themselves to reconcile their parents and calm the house: they try to lighten the atmosphere with jokes, protect their siblings, calm one of the parents down.
Then there are periods when economic pressure fuels the arguments. When issues such as rent increases, debts or job loss raise the tension at home, a young person may try to reduce their parents' burden by cutting their own spending or never even mentioning a course or trip they would like. The thought "If I ask for anything, there'll be another row" leads young people to make their own needs invisible.
This "mediator" or "protector" role may look like maturity from the outside, but it is a heavy burden for a young person. The energy they would devote to their own adolescent concerns, friendships and future is spent on keeping the family in balance. The child of parents who fight also finds it hard to make their parents notice this burden, because being an easy-going, trouble-free teenager feels like the only safe place for them at home. Parents saying "Our arguments are not your responsibility; you can focus on your own life" is an important sentence that gives them permission to let go of this invisible task.
What Can Parents Do for a Child Caught Between Parents Who Fight?
Having problems in a marriage does not mean that parents are harming their children. What matters is keeping these problems as separate from the young person as possible and offering them a safe framework.
Take care not to argue in front of your teenager
Try to discuss serious matters when the young person is not at home or is asleep, outside the home if possible or behind closed doors, without raising your voices. Bear in mind that this is not easy in flats with thin walls; raised voices can often be heard from every room. Our article on arguing in front of children, which looks more broadly at the effects of arguing in front of young people, offers practical suggestions on this.
If an argument happened in front of your teenager, repair it
It may not always be possible to prevent. After an argument your teenager has witnessed, it is important to offer a short explanation at a suitable moment: "Last night your dad and I raised our voices; that may have upset you. We don't agree on some things, but we're trying to sort them out. This is not your fault." Young people are far less negatively affected by arguments when they also see the repair.
Don't make your teenager a go-between or confidant
Share your complaints, anger or disappointment about your partner with an adult, a friend or a professional, not with your teenager. It is vital for the young person's mental health that they keep their relationship with both parents.
Maintain a united front on parenting
Even if there are problems between you and your partner, try to keep a shared stance on rules, boundaries and decisions concerning your teenager. One parent undoing a rule set by the other in front of the young person both deepens the conflict and leaves them caught in the middle.
Make room for your teenager's feelings
The question "How is what's happening at home affecting you?" can open the door for the young person to share what they have been holding inside. It is important to listen to the answer without becoming defensive. When they voice their anger or disappointment, saying "That's hard to hear, but you're right, it affects you too" rather than silencing them strengthens trust.
Consider getting support for your own relationship
If the arguments have become constant and cannot be resolved, getting support as a couple can be protective for both you and your teenager. This step does not mean your relationship is "over"; on the contrary, it is an opportunity to change the way you communicate.
If Separation or Divorce Is on the Table
In some families, ongoing conflict moves towards a decision to separate or divorce. This decision belongs to the parents and it is not an easy one. However, the thought "We're staying together for the children" may not always work out in the young person's favour if there is constant, intense conflict at home. Young people can often adjust more easily to a separation handled calmly and respectfully than to a relationship full of constant fighting.
Arguments may also continue during a separation; matters such as custody, the house, money and where religious holidays will be spent can create new tensions. During this period the young person's opinion can be asked, but the burden of the decision should not be left to them. Whatever decision is made, it is important that the young person does not blame themselves, can keep up their relationship with both parents and is told about the process with age-appropriate honesty.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Professional support should be considered for both the young person and the family in the following situations:
- The young person shows long-lasting anxiety, sadness, angry outbursts or withdrawal
- Their sleep and appetite patterns are markedly disrupted
- There is a marked drop in school performance, frequent absence or skipping school
- The young person constantly tries to stay away from home or turns to risky behaviour
- Arguments between the parents involve physical violence, threats or damage to belongings
- The young person talks about thoughts of self-harm or says life is meaningless
If there is physical violence at home, if you or your children are in danger, or if the young person expresses a risk of harming themselves, call 112 (emergency services) without delay.
How Does Therapy Support Teenagers Affected by Parental Conflict?
For young people affected by tension at home, therapy offers a neutral space where they can talk without having to take anyone's side. In counselling for teenagers, the focus may be on the following:
Expressing feelings: The young person names complex feelings such as anger, fear, embarrassment, conflicted loyalty and guilt in a safe setting.
Reviewing their sense of responsibility: From a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy perspective, thoughts such as "They're fighting because of me" or "It's my job to make them make up" are examined, and the invisible burden on the young person is lightened.
Coping skills: Ways of calming themselves during tense moments at home, withdrawing to a safe space and regulating their emotions are worked on.
A schema-focused perspective: Growing up in a conflict-filled environment for a long time can contribute to the development of early schemas such as "mistrust" or "emotional deprivation". Recognising these patterns early can have a protective effect on the young person's future relationships.
Working with parents: With parents, reducing the impact of arguments on the young person, making repairs and keeping a shared parenting stance are discussed.
Frequently Asked Questions
My teenager acts as if they can't hear our rows; are they really unaffected?
Young people often don't show that they are affected; wearing headphones, shutting themselves in their room or seeming indifferent can be a form of self-protection. It is important to pay attention to small changes in their behaviour and to make room for talking.
What should we do when the young person is the cause of our arguments?
Discuss disagreements about matters concerning your teenager first with your partner, in private, not in front of them. Talking with your teenager together after you have reached a shared decision prevents them from feeling like the cause of the row.
My teenager takes sides; what should I do?
A young person may sometimes feel closer to one parent. But it is important not to encourage them to take sides, not to speak negatively about the other parent and to support their relationship with both parents.
Do parents' arguments affect a young person's future relationships?
They can, but this is not an inevitable outcome. Seeing examples of repair at home, having safe relationships in which they can talk about their feelings and getting support when needed can markedly reduce this effect.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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