Has your teenager run away from home or threatened to leave? What to do in the first hours, the message behind running away and how to rebuild trust afterwards.
It is nearly eleven o'clock. The phone is switched off, the messages are unread, and the mother of their closest friend says, "They're not with us." You check the bedroom: the school bag is where it always is, but the charger, a few clothes and the money from the piggy bank are gone. One of the hardest nights a parent can live through is the night they come face to face with the fact that their teenager ran away from home. In this article we will first look at what needs to be done in those first hours, then at what running away is usually trying to say, how the first conversation can go once the young person comes home, and how to approach a teenager who threatens, "I'm leaving this house."
My Teenager Ran Away From Home: What Should You Do in the First Hours?
Panic makes it harder to think. That is why a short, concrete sequence you can keep in mind during the first hours is so useful.
- Do not wait. You do not have to let a certain amount of time pass before reporting that a child under 18 is missing. If you cannot reach your teenager and do not know where they are, call 112 (emergency services) and report the situation. Informing the police is not "getting them into trouble"; it is protecting them.
- Gather the information in one place. The time they were last seen, what they were wearing, belongings they may have with them, a recent photo, their phone number and the social media accounts they use. Writing these on a sheet of paper saves time for both you and the authorities.
- Contact the people around them in a calm voice. Friends, cousins, a favourite aunt or uncle, the form teacher. Rather than the tone of "They've run off, wait till I find them", saying "We can't reach them and we're very worried; would you let us know if you hear anything?" makes it easier for the young person to come back to you.
- Keep your message short and gentle. Even if their phone is off, they will read it later. Instead of "Where are you, get home right now!", a message such as "We're really worried about you. We're not angry, we just want to know you're safe. Wherever you are, call and we'll come and get you." keeps the road home open.
- Make sure someone stays at home. If everyone goes out searching, the young person may arrive at the door and find no one there.
If you know that the young person has previously talked about thoughts of harming themselves, or if they left a note such as "Don't look for me", be sure to pass this information on to the authorities.
What Is Running Away Trying to Say?
Most young people do not run away from home to set off on an adventure, but to get away from something. Running away is often a message that could not be put into words, turned into behaviour. Understanding this message does not mean excusing the running away; but the way to prevent it from happening again goes through it.
The most common backgrounds are these:
- Intense, long-running conflict: In periods when every conversation at home turns into an argument and the young person feels constantly blamed and cornered, running away can be a search for "somewhere to breathe".
- Fear of a consequence: A school report, a letter about absences, a broken phone, a lie that has come to light. The young person magnifies what will happen at home so much in their mind that disappearing seems less frightening.
- Not feeling safe at home: Violence, constant humiliation, or a parent who uses alcohol or drugs are among the most serious reasons a young person leaves home. In this case running away is not a behaviour problem but an attempt to protect themselves.
- The influence of a relationship or an adult: Going to a boyfriend or girlfriend, meeting someone they got to know online. Situations in which someone noticeably older says, "Come to me, I understand you" carry particular risk.
- Distress that has built up inside: Long-standing unhappiness, a sense of worthlessness or anxiety sometimes shows itself as a wish to get away from everything.
Let's say a fifteen-year-old does not come home on the day they get a low score in a mock exam and stays at a friend's instead. Behind this behaviour, which looks like "irresponsibility" from the outside, there may be a feeling of being unable to bear seeing the disappointment on their father's face one more time. Running away is the worst solution they have found for coping with that feeling, but at that moment it looks like the only one.
Sometimes the direction of the escape also offers a clue about the message itself. A young person who goes to their grandmother, to an uncle's house or to their grandfather in the village is in fact moving away not from home but from a particular tension at home, and has chosen an adult with whom they feel safe. With a young person who goes to someone you have never met, or to another city, the risks are greater and you also need to consider how weak the bond with home has become. Where the young person went, who they were moving away from and who they were moving towards are questions that need careful attention in the conversations that follow.
My Teenager Ran Away and Came Back: How Should the First Conversation Go?
The moment the young person comes home sets the tone for the weeks that follow. The aim of this moment is not to call them to account but to make it safe for them to have come back.
Show your relief first. It is entirely natural to feel anger; you have spent hours in fear. But if the first sentence they hear at the door is "Thank goodness you're home, we were so frightened" rather than "Where on earth were you?", the young person learns that home is a place they can return to. At their next difficult moment, that knowledge could be vital.
Put physical needs first. Have they eaten, are they cold, have they slept? A hot meal, a shower and sleep are the wisest things that can happen that night. A conversation in the middle of the night with a tired, ashamed young person usually ends in an argument.
Leave the real conversation until the next day. Saying "Let's talk tomorrow with clear heads; I want to understand what happened" gives both your feelings and theirs time to settle a little.
Listen first when you talk. The question "Why did you go?" usually pushes people onto the defensive. Asking instead "What was going on before you left, what were you feeling?" creates space for the young person to tell their story. Without arguing straight away with what they say, reflect it back, for example: "So that day you felt really trapped."
Put your own share on the table too. A sentence such as "I've been shouting a lot lately too; I hadn't thought about how that was affecting you" does not weaken a parent's authority; on the contrary, it makes it easier for the young person to see their own share.
The most important message you can give a young person who has run away is this: whatever you do, you can come back to this home; but together we need to find a safer way.
How Do You Approach a Teenager Who Says "I'm Leaving This House"?
Not every teenager runs away from home, but many shout "I'm leaving this house!" in the middle of an argument. When you hear this sentence, there are two mistakes to avoid: not taking it seriously, and challenging it.
A reply such as "There's the door, off you go then" can, amid the anger of the moment, feel to the young person like permission. On the other hand, panicking at every threat and agreeing to every demand leads the young person to turn this sentence into a bargaining tool.
A more helpful stance is to name the feeling beneath the sentence: "Right now you feel so angry and overwhelmed that you can't stand being here." Then, once you have both calmed down, you can open a separate conversation: "The other day you said you wanted to leave. How often does that thought come to you? What's hardest for you at home?"
In this conversation it can also help to agree on a "time-out plan". For example, when an argument escalates, instead of slamming the door and walking out, the young person can say "I'm going out for a bit, I'll be back in an hour", with the place they will go decided in advance, such as the park in front of the building or their grandmother who lives nearby. Stepping away within clear limits, with the return defined from the start, is far safer than an uncontrolled escape.
Rebuilding Trust in the Weeks That Follow
In a home where someone has run away, trust has been shaken in both directions. You fear they may leave again; they think that, because of what they did, they will now always be watched with suspicion. A few principles can guide you through this period:
- Let there be consequences, but not revenge. It is natural for running away to have a consequence. But that consequence should relate to the young person's safety, such as letting you know where they are when they go out, for a period of time. Taking their phone away for months or shaming them in front of everyone lays the ground for another escape.
- Be careful when telling family and friends. Relatives opening with "We heard you ran away" multiplies the young person's shame. Decide together who needs to know what, and how much.
- Review the sources of tension at home. In the weeks before they ran away, which subjects caused the most arguments? Schoolwork, the phone, friends, chores? Choosing one or two of these and renegotiating them shows the young person that their voice is being heard. Our article on parent–teenager conflict contains detailed suggestions on how to carry out these negotiations.
- Widen the young person's list of "safe adults". An adult they can call when there is something they cannot tell you straight away, such as a favourite aunt or the school counsellor, can be an alternative to running away.
- Remember the siblings. If there is a younger sibling at home, they saw the commotion of that night too. The question "Where did my brother go, is he coming back?" often goes unasked but is carried inside. A short, calm explanation suited to their age ("Your brother was very upset; he's home now and we're all trying to sort it out together") reduces the younger child's anxiety. Also avoid constantly holding up the young person who ran away as an example in front of their siblings ("Don't you dare turn out like your brother").
- Take a look at online relationships. If someone you do not know played a part in the escape, it is important to discuss this with the young person without blaming them. The article on talking to strangers online can offer guidance on this.
When, a few weeks later, the young person gets into an ordinary argument again, do not panic. Just because a teenager ran away from home once does not mean every objection is a sign of another escape. Still being able to argue with your teenager as before actually shows that the relationship is continuing; what matters is how the arguments end this time.
There is one more thing. Many parents wrestle with their own guilt during this process. The question "Where did I go wrong?" is understandable, but it traps you in the past. A more helpful question is: "What can I do differently from now on?"
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Even a single, brief episode of running away is reason enough to talk to a professional as a family. In particular, do not delay seeking support in the following situations:
- If running away happens again, or the young person frequently threatens to leave
- If there is marked low mood, hopelessness or outbursts of anger
- If alcohol, drug use or contact with someone much older was involved while they were away
- If the young person says they do not feel safe at home, or describes violence or abuse
- If there are signs of self-harm, or they say things like "If I died, no one would notice"
In any situation that could put the young person's life at risk, call 112 (emergency services) without delay. Where there is violence or neglect at home, ALO 183 (Turkey's social support hotline) is another resource you can turn to.
How Is Running Away Addressed in Therapy?
In therapy, running away is addressed both in terms of the young person's inner world and in terms of the family system. In the counselling for teenagers process, work usually focuses on the following areas:
Understanding the story of the escape: The therapist goes through the days before the young person ran away, step by step, together with them. Which event, which thought, which feeling triggered the decision? In the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy approach, this helps to understand the function of the behaviour: what did running away stop, and what did it protect them from?
Alternative ways of coping: The young person learns and tries out other things they can do when intense feelings rise: calling a safe person, going to an agreed time-out place, putting their feelings into writing.
Problem-solving skills: In place of the thought "They can't see my school report, I have to get out", concrete scenarios are practised, such as how they might break difficult news to the family.
Family sessions: With the parents, the way communication works at home, how rules are set and how people react in moments of crisis are discussed. In joint sessions held at the right time, the things the young person has been unable to say can be voiced in a safe setting.
Assessing risks: If there is a situation that threatens the young person's safety, such as violence at home or a suspicion of abuse by an adult, the therapist guides the family on the necessary protective steps and, where needed, refers them to the relevant institutions.
Frequently Asked Questions
Will reporting it to the police go on my teenager's record and cause problems later?
Reporting a missing child does not mean the young person has committed a crime; the aim is to find and protect them. Delaying the report out of this worry only lengthens the time the young person spends at risk.
If they ran away and stayed at a friend's house, is it normal that the family didn't tell us?
That family may have taken the young person in to protect them, or without knowing the situation. Talking without blaming and agreeing that next time they will let you know straight away turns the places a young person might run to into a safe network.
They say "I'll be leaving anyway when I turn eighteen". What should I do?
This sentence is often an expression of the need for independence mixed with anger. Rather than arguing, you can turn this need into small responsibilities today by saying, "Being independent really matters to you; let's talk about what you could already manage yourself."
Since coming back they don't want to talk at all. Should I push?
Not wanting to talk straight away may come from shame or fear. Tell them the door is open and give them a few days of space; but if the silence goes on or their mood worsens, getting support from a professional can be a good bridge.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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