Does your teenager want to drop out of school? The reasons behind these words, why your first reaction matters, how to talk it through and options to explore.
It comes on a Sunday evening while the next day's school bag is being packed, or in the car on the way back from a parents' meeting: "I'm going to quit school." Some young people shout it; others say it with an unexpected calm. For the mother or father, time stops for a moment. The first thing that comes to mind is the fear that the young person's future is slipping out of their hands. If your teenager wants to drop out of school and you don't know what to say, you are not alone. In this article we look at why a high-school-age young person might say these words, why the first reaction is so decisive, and how to turn the conversation into a search for solutions rather than a fight.
Teenager Wants to Drop Out of School: What Might These Words Mean?
The sentence "I'm going to quit school" does not always mean a real plan to leave school. Often it is the quickest way of expressing a feeling, a sense of exhaustion or a problem that cannot be put into words. Looking at the context in which the young person says it is the first clue to understanding what they mean.
Broadly speaking, the sentence appears in three different forms:
- As an outburst of anger: It is said after a bad exam, an argument with a teacher or a falling-out with friends. It usually subsides within a few days, but if the feeling underneath is not talked about, it comes back.
- As a call for help: There is something at school the young person cannot bear: bullying, intense anxiety or an academic load they cannot cope with. Wanting to leave school looks like the only way out of the situation.
- As a considered plan: The young person has been turning the idea over in their mind for some time. They have a concrete alternative, such as working, learning a trade, progressing in sport or music, or moving to open high school (distance-learning secondary education).
Whatever form it takes, the sentence deserves to be taken seriously. Taking it seriously does not mean accepting it immediately or rejecting it immediately; it means being genuinely curious about what the young person is going through.
Why Do Young People Want to Leave School?
Behind the wish to leave school there is usually not a single cause but several difficulties that build on one another.
Academic struggle
Some students who did well at middle school suddenly feel left behind in high school as the workload increases. An unrecognised learning difficulty or attention problem may also go unnoticed for years and become apparent in high school when the load grows. The feeling that "Whatever I do, it doesn't work" can lead a young person to give up on school altogether.
Loss of meaning
"What's the point of learning all this?" is a question often asked in adolescence. A young person who cannot connect what is learnt at school with their own dreams begins to see school as a waste of time. Our article on study motivation, which looks in detail at why the desire to study declines, can offer guidance here.
Relationships at school
Peer bullying, exclusion from a group of friends, an ongoing conflict with a teacher or never feeling that they belong anywhere at school can turn school into an unbearable place.
Anxiety and mood problems
A fear of speaking in class, exam anxiety, morning nausea and restlessness that increases as school gets closer are often seen behind the wish to leave school. This can sometimes develop into the picture known as school refusal. A depressed mood can also make everything about school seem pointless and heavy.
Economic pressures and the wish to work
When the cost of living is biting, some young people think they are a burden on their family, or see friends earning money by working. The thought "What's the point of studying? I'll earn now" can exert a strong pull, especially in families facing financial difficulty.
Absences and falling behind
After an illness, a family crisis or a long period of disengagement, a young person who is approaching the absence limit or facing the risk of repeating a year may think about giving up entirely, saying "I'm going to fail anyway, why bother?"
Why Does Your First Reaction Matter So Much?
The first reaction to "I'm going to quit school" largely determines whether the young person will ever talk to you about it again. Some reactions given out of anxiety, however well-intentioned, end the conversation before it has even begun:
- "Don't you ever say that again!"
- "If you don't study, you'll end up on the street."
- "Look at your cousin, studying medicine. Is this what you're going to become?"
- "Don't let your father hear this, he'll kill you."
These sentences send the young person two messages: their feelings don't matter, and they cannot talk about their problems in this house. The young person then either goes quiet and pursues the plan on their own, or begins defending the decision in harsher language.
Instead, the most useful thing you can do in the first moment is to buy time. Saying "This is a really important subject, and I want to talk about it without rushing. Can you tell me what's been happening?" creates room both for calming your own anxiety and for the young person to start talking.
A young person saying they want to leave school is not an ending but a beginning. It may be the moment when something left unspoken for years finally finds words.
How Should You Handle the Conversation if Your Teenager Wants to Drop Out of School?
You don't have to make a decision straight away just because your teenager wants to drop out of school. The real task is to understand together what the young person is going through beneath this wish.
Choose a calm moment
Don't raise the subject just after they've come home from school, in the middle of an argument or during a visit to relatives. A calm moment after a weekend breakfast, on a walk or in the car may be more suitable.
Listen first, then ask
Let the young person tell their story. Listen without interrupting or correcting. Then you can ask curious questions: "What's hardest for you at school?", "How long have you been thinking about this?", "If you left school, how do you imagine your days would go?"
Acknowledge the feeling, put the decision on hold
Saying "I didn't know school was weighing on you this much; it upsets me to hear it" acknowledges the young person's feeling. It does not mean you are approving their leaving school. Keeping the difference between acknowledging a feeling and making a decision keeps the conversation open.
Gather concrete information
Meeting the school's guidance service, the form teacher and subject teachers is an important part of understanding the young person's situation at school. Grades, attendance, peer relationships and teachers' observations complement what the young person tells you. Holding these meetings with the young person's knowledge, rather than behind their back, protects trust.
Bring the plan into contact with reality
If the young person wants to leave school and work, rather than leaving it as a dream it can be helpful to make it concrete together. Research together what job they could do, for how many hours and for what pay; which jobs are possible at their age; and what this path would give them and cost them in the long term. This approach invites the young person to think without belittling them.
Let's say a young person in Year 10 says they want to work in their uncle's workshop in the car-repair district. Rather than saying "No", a parent who says "Go to the workshop with your uncle one Saturday, stay there all day, and tell me in the evening how it went" allows the young person to test their dream through experience. Some young people return to school more willingly after this experience; others notice that they really are suited to a hands-on field, and the family can then use that knowledge to look together for a more suitable educational path. Because both outcomes rest on the young person's own experience, they last far longer than advice given from outside.
Agree on a common stance with your partner
One parent saying "Do whatever you like" while the other says "I'll never allow it" confuses the young person and leads to a power struggle within the family. Try to talk among yourselves, not in front of the young person, and agree on a shared approach.
Putting the Options on the Table Together
In Turkey, high-school education is part of compulsory schooling, and a young person "leaving school" can often mean not dropping out of education entirely but moving to a different form of education. It is therefore important not to squeeze the conversation into a dilemma of "school or nothing". Some options that can be considered together with the school administration and guidance service are:
- Staying at the same school and solving the problem: Talking through a problem with a teacher, getting extra academic support, or taking steps against bullying together with the school.
- Changing school: Where the young person does not feel they belong at their current school, or relationships have broken down beyond repair.
- Changing type of school: Moving from an academically focused high school to a vocational high school that suits the young person's interests.
- Vocational training programmes: Programmes that make it possible to learn a trade by working in a business while continuing with school.
- Open high school: One of the options for young people who find it very hard to keep attending school but want to complete their education with a diploma. However, it should also be discussed that this route requires more self-discipline and carries the risk of the young person becoming cut off from their social environment.
Evaluating with the young person what each of these options would mean for them and what difficulties it might bring makes them a partner in their own decisions. However sensible a decision imposed from outside may look, a plan the young person does not own will not last.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
If the wish to leave school appears together with the following, getting support from a specialist is important:
- You observe that the young person is in a state of marked unhappiness, hopelessness or lack of motivation
- Thinking about going to school brings on stomach aches, headaches, palpitations or crying spells
- There has been peer bullying, abuse or a traumatic event at school
- There are signs such as substance use, a risky circle of friends or running away from home
- You can see that the young person has made the decision completely impulsively and has not considered any alternative
- Every time the subject comes up at home there are big rows, and communication has become completely blocked
If the young person has thoughts of harming themselves or talks about death, take this seriously, and in an emergency call 112 (emergency services) without delay.
How Is the Wish to Leave School Addressed in Therapy?
The first aim in therapy is to understand the feelings and experiences through which the young person has arrived at this decision. The therapist represents neither the school nor the family; they offer a safe space in which the young person can think about their own life. In the adolescent counselling process, the following routes are often taken:
Comprehensive assessment: The young person's academic history, school experiences, peer relationships, family dynamics and mood are considered together. If necessary, further assessment for learning difficulties or attention problems is recommended.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques: The evidence for thoughts such as "I can't succeed anyway" or "Nobody at school likes me" is reviewed together. The young person's cycle of anxiety and avoidance is identified, and small, achievable steps are planned to support a return to school or to reshape their relationship with school.
Work on values and goals: The young person thinks about what matters to them, where they would like to see themselves in five years and the different paths towards that goal. This work helps the decision to be a choice rather than an escape.
Family sessions: With parents, the work focuses on managing their own anxiety, supporting the young person's involvement in decisions and cooperating with the school.
Cooperation with the school: With the consent of the family and the young person, working in coordination with the school's guidance service can help the young person receive more support at school.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it right to suggest open high school to a teenager who wants to leave school?
Open high school can be a suitable option for some young people, but it may not be right to suggest it as the first solution. A switch made before understanding why the young person wants to leave school may simply postpone the problem. This option should also be considered together in terms of self-discipline and social relationships.
Their father says "Let them work for a bit and see". Is that a good idea?
Getting to know working life can be a valuable experience for a young person, but using that experience as a punishment or a way of teaching a lesson can damage the relationship. A summer job or a short-term experience can be a more constructive way for the young person to see their own reality.
Should I involve the school guidance service?
Yes, the school guidance service is an important resource for understanding the young person's situation at school. However, doing this with the young person's knowledge is important so that they do not feel judged or talked about behind their back.
What if they leave school and regret it later?
In education, doors often do not close as finally as people think; it is possible to return to education by different routes. Even so, going back can be more demanding in terms of time and effort. That is why making the decision without rushing, by considering the young person's feelings and options together, reduces the regret that may come later.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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