Teenager Stealing Money From Home: Understanding Before Anger

Is your teenager stealing money or things from home? Possible reasons, how to confront it, a plan to make amends and warning signs such as gambling or debt.

For the third time this month, you open your wallet and the sums do not add up again. Last night there were four hundred lira in it; now there are two hundred. At first you suspect yourself: perhaps I spent more at the supermarket, perhaps I am misremembering. Then you recall that your partner said something similar. And the thought you never wanted to have appears. Could your teenager be stealing money from home? This suspicion stirs up anger, disappointment and a deep sense of mistrust in parents all at once. In this article we look at the reasons that may lie behind the behaviour, what kind of conversation can be had, what can be put in place of punishment, and the warning signs that need attention.

Teenager Stealing Money From Home: What Is This Behaviour Saying?

The word "theft" is heavy, and it is deeply shaking for a parent to use it about their own child. So the first thing to say is this: a teenager who takes money or belongings from home without permission is usually not a young person heading towards crime, but a young person trying to meet a need in an inappropriate way. This does not mean playing the behaviour down; but it determines how you will approach it.

Moral reasoning continues to develop during adolescence. A young person may see the money in the family as "shared", may soften their own behaviour with "They would have given it to me anyway", or may act impulsively, thinking they will not be caught. None of this makes the behaviour right, but understanding how it looks in the young person's own mind sets the tone of the conversation.

In many homes in Turkey, money sits in a place everyone knows: in the kitchen drawer, in a box in the bedroom or in the inside pocket of Dad's jacket. A young person is told "Take it from the drawer" for the grocery shopping, and loose change collects in a jar. This openness is a sign of the trust family members have in one another; but at the same time it can blur the line, for the young person, between "money taken for a need" and "money taken without permission". A young person who as a child got used to taking bread money from their mother's handbag may at first not quite call what they are doing "stealing". So the conversation may need to make the line clear for the first time: which money is for shared use, which is personal, and how do you ask for permission?

At the same time, how often and under what conditions the behaviour is repeated also matters. A situation that happened once and that the young person themselves regrets does not carry the same meaning as a picture that has been going on for months, in which the amounts keep growing and similar behaviour is also seen outside the home.

Why Do Teenagers Take Money From Home?

The reason behind the behaviour also shows where the solution should begin. Common backgrounds include:

• An unmet need: The school canteen, transport, going out with friends or a birthday present. If their pocket money does not cover their real expenses and they are reluctant to say so, they may try to make up the shortfall quietly.
• Keeping up with the peer group: A young person whose friends wear designer clothes, sit in cafés and spend money on games may try to find money so as not to fall behind.
• In-game spending: Skins, characters, season passes and virtual currencies are an area in which young people start with small amounts and make ever-increasing purchases. We have covered this topic separately in our article on in-game spending.
• Betting and games of chance: Despite the legal age limit, some young people start betting online or through friends. The effort to win back money they have lost can quickly turn taking money from home into a repeating cycle.
• Pressure or threats: Sometimes the young person is being bullied at school, forced to hand over money or has been put into debt to someone. The money they take from home may be a price they are paying to protect themselves.
• Emotional reasons: Anger, a feeling of being neglected or a need for attention. Some young people use this behaviour to express something they cannot say to their family.
• Substance use: Although less common, needing money to obtain cigarettes, alcohol or other substances can also be a reason.

A punishment handed out without knowing which of these reasons applies will at most stop the behaviour for a while, but it leaves the need in place.

First Reaction: Don't Set a Trap, Plan the Conversation

When you are suspicious, the first job is to calm down. A confrontation carried out in anger leads the young person to become defensive and, most likely, to deny it.

Avoid setting traps. Marking banknotes, installing a camera or setting up scenarios to "catch" the young person may bring out the truth, but they do lasting damage to the relationship. When a young person finds out that their family has been secretly watching them, trust is shaken in both directions.

Don't ask "Did you take it?" This question offers the young person an opportunity to lie; and when they deny it, you have either accepted the lie or accused them of lying. Instead, calmly say what you know: "For the past few weeks money has been going missing from the wallet. I think it's you who's been taking it, and I want to talk with you about it."

Make the purpose of the conversation clear. The aim is not to make the young person admit guilt, but to understand why they felt they needed to do something like this and to find a solution together. Saying this openly can lower their defences: "I'm not talking to you to shout at you, but to understand what's going on."

Make space for the young person to explain. The question "Why did you need this money?" offers an opportunity to give an explanation, even amid the shame. When the young person says something, listen without judging straight away; the real reason often emerges not in the first sentence but later in the conversation.

The aim is not to stick the label "thief" on a young person, but to raise a young person who can take on the consequences of what they did and voice their needs honestly.

If Your Teenager Is Stealing Money From Home: Making Amends Instead of Punishment

When you find this out, the first thing that comes to mind may be a heavy punishment: taking the phone away, cutting off pocket money entirely, banning them from going out for months. Punishments like these may soothe a parent's anger, but they do not teach the young person to take responsibility for the consequences of what they did.

A more effective route is a plan built on making amends:

• A repayment plan: The money taken is paid back in small instalments from the young person's pocket money or through extra responsibilities at home. Make the plan together with the young person; be clear how many weeks it will take and how much will be paid each week.
• Apology and responsibility: The young person should see who their actions affected. Talking about how it made their little brother feel when money was taken from his piggy bank is far more instructive than punishment.
• Temporary safety measures: For a while, keeping money and bank cards out of easy reach is not a humiliation but a measure that keeps the young person from finding themselves in the same situation again. Tell them this openly: "Until our trust has settled again, I'll keep my wallet in my own room."
• Earning back trust: The young person should know that trust comes back not all at once but over time, through consistent behaviour. You can discuss together which steps will rebuild it.

During this process, avoid repeatedly telling relatives, neighbours or siblings about what the young person did. An aunt saying "I hear you've been helping yourself to the money" during a bayram (religious holiday) visit can turn the young person's shame into anger and reduce their wish to change.

Rethinking Pocket Money and Conversations About Money

In many families, taking money from home emerges in an environment where money is never talked about, or only talked about through arguments. This is an opportunity to talk about money afresh.

Look together at whether the young person's pocket money covers their real needs. In periods when the cost of living is constantly felt, an amount that was enough a year ago may no longer stretch to a toasted sandwich and a drink at the school canteen. If the young person found it hard to say so, you need to find a way to talk about pocket money openly. Our article on pocket money for teenagers offers detailed suggestions on this.

It is also important for parents to review their own attitude in conversations about money. If the only sentence about money at home is "We don't have any money" or "You don't know the value of this", the young person may choose to solve their needs quietly instead of voicing them. Sharing the family budget in a way suited to the young person's age gives them both a realistic framework and a say.

It can also help to talk about ways the young person could earn money. A short summer job, helping out in a relative's shop or money earned in return for extra responsibilities at home teaches the young person both the value of money and the feeling of achieving something through their own effort.

Warning Signs That Need Attention

If your teenager is stealing money from home and it is not limited to a single incident, you need to look at the picture behind the behaviour from a wider angle. Small changes that seem insignificant one by one can form a meaningful picture when they come together. The following signs may indicate that taking money from home is part of a more serious problem:

• The amounts taken growing and the behaviour becoming more frequent
• New belongings, clothes or electronic devices on the young person that they cannot explain
• Betting sites, online gambling apps or high-value gaming purchases on their phone
• Conversations hinting that they owe friends money, unease, constantly hiding their phone
• Similar behaviour outside the home, for example at school or in shops
• Marked changes in mood, withdrawal, disrupted sleep and appetite

Betting and games of chance in particular are an area that can quickly turn into a cycle of debt and secrecy among young people. Our article on gambling addiction in young people describes the signs and what you can do as a family in detail.

If you find out that the young person is being forced to hand over money or is being threatened, this is not a matter of discipline but a matter of safety. You need to contact the school and, if necessary, the authorities.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

A situation that happened once and was resolved with an open conversation can usually be handled within the family. However, consulting a professional may be useful in the following situations:

• If the behaviour is repeated despite the conversation and the plan to make amends
• If taking money from home is accompanied by other behaviours such as lying or skipping school
• If betting, in-game spending or substance use is involved
• If there is marked low mood, anger or withdrawal
• If trust within the family has been seriously shaken and conversations keep ending in arguments

How Is Taking Money From Home Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy, this behaviour is approached not as a crime for which the young person is judged, but as a pattern that needs to be understood and changed. In the counselling for teenagers process, work may focus on the following areas:

Understanding the function of the behaviour: In the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy approach, what happened before the behaviour, what the young person was thinking at that moment and what the behaviour gave them are examined step by step. Is taking money meeting a need, suppressing a feeling, or rescuing them from pressure?

Impulse control: Some young people make split-second decisions they regret afterwards. With these young people, work focuses on noticing the moments when the urge rises and on alternative things they can do at those moments.

Addressing shame: Young people often feel intense shame after this behaviour. Unlike regret that supports change, shame can lead the young person to see themselves as "a bad person". In therapy, the young person begins to see that changing their behaviour is possible and that their behaviour does not define who they are.

Working with the family: With the parents, work focuses on conversations about money at home, the pocket-money arrangement, the process of making amends and rebuilding trust. In joint sessions held at the right time, things the young person and the family have been unable to say to each other can be voiced in a safe setting.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I go to the police, or threaten them with the police to scare them?

In a situation that has happened within the home and has been noticed for the first time, threatening them with the police may frighten the young person, but it does not resolve the reason for the behaviour, and it seriously damages the relationship. However, where the young person is involved in a criminal network, is being threatened or is harming others, it may be necessary to contact the authorities.

They also took money from their younger brother's piggy bank. What should I tell him?

Do not ignore the younger child's loss; tell him that his money will be paid back and that this will be done according to a plan. The teenager apologising directly to their brother and making the repayment themselves helps to repair trust between the siblings.

I know for certain, but they deny it. What should I do?

Denial often comes from shame and fear. Rather than trying to extract a confession, calmly say what you know and repeat that the purpose of the conversation is to understand, not to punish. If necessary, postponing the conversation can give the young person a chance to think on their own and come to you later.

I think they are selling things to get money. Is this a more serious situation?

Selling belongings from the home may indicate that the young person needs larger sums. In this case it is important to assess risks such as betting, debt or substance use, and you should not delay seeking support from a professional.

• #teenage behaviour problems
• #teenagers and money
• #trust
• #parenting

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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