Why is watching a disaster from afar so draining? How to cope with helplessness, guilt and secondary trauma while following earthquakes in Turkey from abroad.
A notification on your phone, a short message from a friend, or an image in the news you open in the morning... This is how you find out, abroad, that there has been an earthquake, flood or major fire in Turkey. Afterwards you cannot leave the screen for hours, sometimes for days. You try to reach your family and refresh the news again and again. While the people around you carry on with their lives, you feel as if you are in another time and another place. Watching a disaster from afar can shake you deeply on the inside even if you are physically safe. After the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, many Turkish people living abroad came to know this experience first-hand. In this article we look at the psychological effects of watching a disaster from a distance, feelings of helplessness and guilt, the signs of secondary trauma, and how you can look after yourself.
Watching a Disaster from Afar: What Happens When You Live Abroad?
Not being in the disaster zone does not mean not being affected by the disaster. For someone living abroad, a disaster in Turkey means that their family, relatives, friends and the places where they grew up are in danger. What is more, this danger is experienced from thousands of kilometres away, and most often through a screen.
The experience of a disaster from afar has some distinctive features:
- Uncertainty: Hours when you cannot reach your loved ones, waiting for news, phone lines being cut
- Helplessness: Wanting to help but not being able to be there physically
- Heavy visual exposure: Distressing images repeated endlessly on social media and in the news
- A parallel life: Going to work, taking the children to school and attending meetings on one side, while your mind is entirely in Turkey on the other
- Not being understood: The people around you not fully grasping the weight of what you are going through
- Grief: Deep sorrow that comes with the loss of a loved one or the destruction of familiar places
People who go through this often think, "I wasn't there, do I have the right to be upset?" Yet pain experienced from a distance is also real and deserves to be seen.
Secondary Trauma and the Signs of Disaster from Afar
Secondary trauma refers to the psychological reactions that arise not from directly experiencing a traumatic event but from being intensely exposed to it or witnessing what loved ones have been through. Watching disaster footage for hours, listening to harrowing accounts from relatives or receiving news of losses can lead to such reactions.
The following signs are common in people watching a disaster from afar:
- Images or sounds coming to mind involuntarily
- Nightmares, difficulty falling asleep, waking often in the night
- A need to keep checking the news, or, on the contrary, avoiding the news completely
- Flinching when the phone rings or a notification arrives
- Irritability, crying easily, emotional numbness
- Difficulty concentrating, a drop in performance at work or in lessons
- Physical complaints: tightness in the chest, nausea, headaches, fatigue
- Fear that a disaster will happen where you are too, a feeling that the ground is swaying
- Pessimism about the future, a sense of meaninglessness
- Feeling guilty about everyday pleasures: while eating, laughing, enjoying something
Most of these signs are ordinary reactions to a heavy event, and in most people they ease over time. However, if they do not lessen after weeks, or even increase, you need to be more careful.
Helplessness and Guilt: Why Do They Feel So Heavy?
The guilt of being far away. Many people living abroad experience intense guilt at the time of a disaster, thinking, "I am comfortable here while they are there." This feeling can even lead you to question your decision to emigrate: "I wish I had never left, I wish I were with them."
Loss of control. When people you love are in danger, you want to be able to do something. Being far away cannot meet that need. The resulting helplessness can push a person either into excessive activity (phoning constantly, organising donations non-stop, working without sleeping) or into freezing.
The endless stream of the screen. Social media and the news present disaster footage without a break. The mind may perceive each new image as a new threat. Following events in order to get information can turn over time into a cycle that feeds anxiety.
Grief that goes unrecognised. Someone living abroad may find no room at work or school to mourn after the disaster. While those around them forget the subject after a day or two, they may still be in deep sorrow. This "unseen grief" increases loneliness. For the difficulties of grieving from a distance, you can look at my article on grieving from afar.
Arguments that arise. In times of disaster, intense arguments and anger can arise on social media and within communities. These arguments can wear down a mind that is already tired. Stepping away from these environments to protect your own feelings is a legitimate choice.
Anniversaries and new tremors. Even months after a disaster, anniversaries, news of a new earthquake, or even a small tremor felt in the city where you live or the sound of construction can bring the feelings back. This does not mean that recovery is going backwards. It is the way the mind remembers an important experience. Being aware of these dates in advance can make it easier to prepare for those days with self-care, for example by planning a ritual of remembrance, talking with loved ones or lightening your workload that day.
Being far away does not leave you outside this pain; but it does give you the chance to support your loved ones for longer by looking after yourself.
Effects on the Family, Relationships and Children
Watching a disaster from afar affects not only the individual but the whole family abroad.
Between partners. If one partner's family is in the disaster zone, that partner may be affected much more intensely. The other partner may want to support them but not know how to help. In mixed marriages, the partner with no connection to Turkey may find it hard to fully grasp the depth of the pain, which can lead to loneliness and resentment. What matters here is to respect each other's different ways of grieving without judging each other's reactions.
In children. Children notice their parents' anxiety straight away. The images they see on television or on a phone can frighten them. They may fear an earthquake where they live too, have sleep problems or not want to be separated from their parents. It is important to give children short, honest explanations suited to their age, to limit their exposure to the footage, and to offer concrete reassurance such as "We are safe here, and we will talk to your grandmother too."
In contact with family in Turkey. Relatives affected by the disaster may expect practical and emotional support from you. Sometimes you may also hear remarks that belittle your sorrow: "You're over there, what would you know?" These words can hurt; most often they are an expression of the shock and anger being felt.
Imagine a young woman living abroad whose home town has been hit by a major earthquake. For the first two days she could not hear from her family; then she learned that everyone was alive, but that they had lost her aunt. For weeks she watched the news until midnight and found it hard to go to work in the mornings. Her colleagues offered condolences on the first day, and after that the subject was never raised. She felt both far from her family and invisible in her surroundings. This picture resembles the experience of many people who live through a disaster from afar.
What You Can Do to Look After Yourself During a Disaster from Afar
1. Limit your news consumption. Getting information is important, but constantly watching footage can increase the risk of secondary trauma. Choose one or two reliable sources and check the news a few times a day at set times. Try in particular to stay away from screens for the hour before bed. Choosing written reports over videos and photographs can also reduce the load.
2. Focus on what you can do. The feeling of helplessness can ease through small but concrete actions. Steps such as donating through reliable organisations, supporting relief organisations abroad and asking your loved ones what they need can restore a sense of control in part. Take care, however, not to take on so much that you exhaust yourself.
3. Allow your feelings. Sadness, fear, anger, guilt, crying... all of these are understandable reactions to a heavy event. Notice the thought "I have no right to be upset" and try to let it go.
4. Talk. Getting together with friends, family or your community who have been through the same experience reduces loneliness. Taking part in remembrance events together and grieving together can be healing.
5. Tell the people around you what you need. Sharing what you are going through at work or at school can make it easier to receive understanding and flexibility. Saying "My family is in the disaster zone and I am finding it hard to concentrate this week" is a legitimate way of asking for help.
6. Look after your body. Sleep, nutrition and movement are the first things neglected under stress. Short walks, regular meals and attention to sleep times help the nervous system find its balance.
7. Use calming techniques. Slow breathing (breathing in for four seconds and out for six) and grounding exercises (naming the things you can see, hear and touch around you) can help in moments of intense anxiety. For the general burden of following events back home from a distance, you can look at my article on following the news from afar.
8. Question guilty thoughts. When the thought "If I had been there, it would have made a difference" comes, ask yourself: Would it really? Does my being here change how I can support them now? Show yourself the compassion you would show a friend in the same situation.
9. Keep the small routines of everyday life. Routines provide an anchor in difficult times. Doing something that gives you pleasure is not disrespect to the pain; it is a way of protecting your resilience.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Intense reactions in the first weeks after a disaster are normal. However, it is important to seek professional support in the following situations:
- If symptoms have continued for more than a month and are not lessening
- If your sleep, work, school or family responsibilities are noticeably affected
- If images and thoughts constantly occupy your mind
- If you are experiencing intense guilt, hopelessness or emotional numbness
- If, after the loss of a loved one, grief is so heavy that it stops your daily life for a long time
- If you are trying to cope with alcohol or other substances
- If you see prolonged fear, sleep problems or changes in behaviour in your child
- If you have thoughts of harming yourself
In a crisis, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary. Your family doctor and mental health services in the country where you live are also important resources in this process.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
When describing the pain of a disaster in Turkey, not having to explain the places, the people and the meaning of the cultural grief can make things considerably easier. Working in your mother tongue can help you convey both your words and their emotional context just as they are. For more information, you can look at the page for Turks living abroad.
In work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the following areas can be addressed:
- Stabilisation and safety: Reducing intense anxiety through skills such as breathing, grounding and a regular sleep pattern
- Psychoeducation: Understanding secondary trauma and grief-from-afar reactions, and addressing the question "What are these reactions telling me?"
- Working with thoughts: Realistically evaluating thoughts such as "I should have been there", "I have no right to be upset" and "A disaster could happen at any moment"
- Managing media exposure: Turning news-following into something deliberate and limited
- Grief work: Processing feelings about losses and creating rituals of farewell and remembrance from a distance
- Values-based action: Planning how the person can offer support in line with their values, without exhausting themselves
For online sessions, a quiet room, headphones and a secure connection are enough. A time suited to the time difference can be arranged, and payment can be made online. You will need to check the conditions in the country where you live regarding insurance reimbursement. You can find information about how the sessions work on the online therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
I wasn't in the disaster zone. Could I still have experienced trauma?
Yes, you could. Heavy visual exposure, your loved ones being in danger and losses can lead to serious psychological reactions even if you were not in the event itself. These reactions on their own do not amount to a diagnosis, but they deserve to be taken seriously.
Is stopping watching the news insensitive?
No. Limiting your news consumption is a way of protecting your own mental health. Getting information from a reliable source at set times keeps you both informed and balanced. When you look after yourself well, you can support your loved ones for longer.
Do I need to go to Turkey and help?
This is a personal decision and depends on your circumstances, your means and your health. Help is not given only by going to the region; it is possible to make meaningful contributions from a distance too. In deciding, take care not to exhaust yourself and to keep your expectations realistic.
How should I talk to my child about the disaster?
Explain in short, honest language suited to their age, keeping frightening details and images away from them. Listen to their questions and give concrete reassurance such as "We are safe, and we are in contact with our relatives." If their fears continue for a long time, you can seek support from a professional.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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