Writing a Letter to Someone Who Died: Putting the Unsaid Into Words in Grief

How can writing a letter to someone who died help in grief, and how do you write one? Step-by-step tips, what research says, cautions and when to seek support.

A woman who lost her father to a sudden heart attack one morning keeps coming back to the same sentence even months later: "On our last phone call I was in a hurry; I said I'd call him back." At the hospital, at the funeral, at the house where condolences were received, everyone said something; but what she wanted to say remained unsaid. Many people who have experienced a loss know this feeling: a thank you, an apology, a reproach, or simply "I miss you" hangs in the air because there is no longer anyone there to hear it. Writing a letter to someone who died is one way of making room in grief for these unspoken words. In this article we look at what this method can offer, how such a letter can be written, what research says, and in which situations it may not be enough on its own.

What Can Writing a Letter to Someone Who Died Offer?

Grief is a response not only to a person's absence but to the interruption of the relationship with that person. The relationship has not ended; it is just that the other person can no longer reply. A letter is a way of continuing this relationship, even if one-sidedly, and of carrying on talking to them.

There are several things writing a letter can offer a person:

• Saying what could not be said: Not having been able to say goodbye, the last conversation ending in an argument, the things left unspoken during an illness.
• Organising emotions: When thoughts that keep going round in your head are put on paper, they fall into order and may become a little easier to understand.
• Honouring the bond: Writing about shared memories, what you learned from the person who died, and their place in your life.
• Allowing complicated feelings: Alongside love, feelings that people often believe "shouldn't be said", such as anger, hurt or relief, can also find a place in writing.

This method does not aim to make you forget the loss or to take the pain away. The aim is to make living with the pain a little more possible and to give the person a tool for their own grieving process. If you are curious about the usual course of grief and the signs of prolonged grief, our article on the grief process covers this subject in detail.

The Unsaid in Grief: Why Do Things Stay Inside Us?

There are many reasons why unspoken things build up after a loss. Some relate to the nature of the loss. With sudden deaths, there is no chance to say goodbye. With long illnesses, people often try to appear strong and put off what they really want to say so as not to upset the person who is ill.

Some reasons are social and cultural. In Turkey, grief is mostly experienced in a crowded setting: condolence visits, kitchens where helva (a traditional sweet made for mourners) is being stirred, prayers being recited, relatives coming and going. On the one hand this crowd provides great support; on the other, it may leave the person little room to listen to their own inner voice. Well-meaning remarks such as "Don't cry, it will hurt their soul", "It is God's will, don't rebel against it" or "You have to be strong; you'll be the one looking after your mother" can also lead some feelings to be suppressed.

The practical burdens that follow a loss also cause the unsaid to pile up. Funeral arrangements, inheritance and property paperwork, caring for other family members: months go by. In some losses, as in the 6 February 2023 earthquakes or during the pandemic, being unable to attend the funeral or to see one's loved one for the last time also leaves the goodbye unfinished.

Words left unsaid do not disappear; they often wait in a corner and resurface at the most unexpected moment, in a song, in a scent, on the morning of a religious holiday.

The Psychology of Writing: What Does Research Say?

The psychological effects of putting difficult experiences into writing have long been studied. Through experiments begun in the 1980s by the psychologist James Pennebaker, a field of research known as "expressive writing" developed. In these studies, participants are asked to write for short periods over several days about their deepest thoughts and feelings regarding an experience that is difficult for them.

A comprehensive meta-analysis bringing together studies in this field examined 146 randomised studies and found that expressive writing has a small but significant average effect. This result says two things at once: writing may be beneficial for some people; but its effect is limited and is not the same for everyone. Writing does not replace therapy or, where needed, a medical assessment.

There are different explanations of why writing might help. One is that writing gives scattered emotions and thoughts an order, a beginning and an end. A memory that keeps going round in your head becomes a story once it is on paper, and a story is something you can reflect on. Another is that writing offers a safe space for things that cannot be said to anyone else. These explanations are interesting; but how far each of them holds true is still debated among researchers.

Writing a letter to someone who died can be thought of as a more personal and relational form of expressive writing. Here, the writing is directed not at an undefined reader but at a specific person. In many approaches to grief counselling, letters like these are used as a supportive tool. For more information on the effects of writing on mental health, you can read our article on writing therapy.

Writing a Letter to Someone Who Died: Step-by-Step Suggestions

There is no rule or correct format for writing a letter to someone who died. The suggestions below are only a starting point; you can choose what suits you.

1. Choose the time and place. Set aside a moment when no one will interrupt you and when you will feel comfortable if you cry. It may be better to choose a time when you are relatively calm, rather than the middle of the night when you are sleepless and tired.
2. Begin with how you addressed them. "Dear Dad", "My dearest Grandma", "My brother". Address them the way you did when they were alive.
3. Start with whatever comes to mind. Even saying "It feels strange to write to you" is a beginning. Don't try to write perfect sentences; this is not a literature assignment.
4. Write what you could not say. What you want to thank them for, what you want to apologise for, what you are angry about, news you would like to tell them.
5. Make room for memories. A place you went together, something they taught you, a moment when you laughed until you cried.
6. Describe the present. You can write about how your life has changed without them, what is difficult, and what keeps you going.
7. Think about an ending. "I miss you", "I will always remember you", "That's all for now". The ending does not have to be a goodbye; it can also be a pause.

If your relationship with the person you lost was complicated, for example if it was a sibling you had not spoken to for years or a parent who hurt you deeply, writing a letter may be even more challenging. In that case, remember that you do not have to write only nice things. A sentence such as "I loved you, but I am still angry about what you did to me" can carry two feelings at once. Grief is a response to the whole relationship, not only its good sides. In complicated losses like these, talking to someone you trust or to a professional about where your writing is taking you can make the load easier to carry.

Some people write the letter in one sitting; others add to it at intervals over weeks or months. Some write a new letter on every anniversary of the death or on the morning of a religious holiday. All of these are valid. Writing by hand on paper and typing a note on your phone are both possible; some people find handwriting more personal, while others express themselves more easily on a keyboard.

After the Letter: Reading It, Keeping It or Letting It Go

What you do with the letter once it is written is also up to you. Some options, which vary from person to person, are:

• Keeping it: In a box, in a notebook, or next to something that belonged to the person who died.
• Reading it aloud: On your own, to someone close to you, or when visiting the grave. For some people, reading aloud gives a sense of having really "told them".
• Having someone else read it: Sharing it with someone you trust can make you feel less alone.
• Letting it go: Some people choose to tear the letter up after a while, or to burn it safely. This can also be a kind of symbolic release.

Some families, on the other hand, choose to write a shared letter. For example, in a family that has lost a grandfather, each grandchild might add a paragraph and the younger children might draw a picture. This is a reminder that grief is not only an individual experience but also a shared one, and it can make it easier to talk about the loss within the family.

Whichever option you choose, give yourself some time after writing the letter. Rather than going straight back to work or the daily rush, taking a short walk, having a cup of tea or talking to someone you trust may help. The experience of writing can sometimes open up unexpectedly intense emotions.

Let us say a mother who lost her daughter in a traffic accident writes a letter every month on the date of her daughter's birthday. Her first letters are almost entirely filled with anger and "why" questions. In the letters a year later, alongside the anger, memories begin to appear: songs her daughter loved, news from her daughter's friends. The pain does not go away; but the changing tone of the letters shows the mother, too, where she stands in her grief.

Does Writing a Letter to Someone Who Died Help Everyone? Points to Bear in Mind

Writing a letter can help many people; but it is not suitable for everyone, nor at every time. It is worth bearing the following in mind:

• Don't force it. If you don't feel ready to write, waiting is fine. Writing immediately after the loss, when the shock is intense, may be too much for some people.
• Take a break if it makes you feel worse. If you feel much worse for days after every attempt to write, it is more appropriate to talk to a professional rather than continuing this method alone.
• Be careful with traumatic losses. In losses that happened suddenly, violently or in shocking circumstances, rewriting the details of the event on your own can intensify the images that come to mind.
• Watch out for a cycle of guilt. If the letter is overflowing with "If only I had..." sentences and these thoughts are growing, it may be helpful to seek support with the feeling of guilt.
• A letter is not a substitute for therapy. Writing is a supportive tool; it does not replace a professional assessment when grief is prolonged or seriously affects daily life.

When Should You Seek Professional Support? How Is Grief Addressed in Therapy?

Grief has no set duration and no single right way. However, in the following situations it may be helpful to speak to a mental health professional:

• Intense longing and pain that seriously interfere with daily life, even though a long time has passed since the loss
• Thoughts about the person who died taking up almost the whole day
• Marked difficulty accepting the loss, a sense that life is meaningless
• Long-lasting sleeplessness, loss of appetite, being unable to return to work or school
• Intense guilt or anger
• A wish to die in order to be reunited with the person who died, or thoughts that carrying on living is pointless

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call 112 (emergency services) without delay or go to the nearest emergency department.

Grief work in therapy aims to help a person make sense of their loss, recognise their complicated feelings and continue their bond with the person who died in a new way. In this process, letter writing can be used as an in-between task, to the extent the person is ready and if they choose; it can be read in a session and talked about together. Where grief is intertwined with depression, support in the area of depression and mood can help a person address both their loss and their mood together. Another similar method, the empty chair technique, is also one of the approaches used to express what could not be said.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it strange or silly to write a letter to someone who has died?

No. Many people who have experienced a loss carry on talking inwardly to the loved one who died. A letter turns this conversation into something concrete. It is natural to feel strange; this feeling often fades after the first few sentences.

When should I write the letter?

There is no set time for this. Some people write within weeks of the loss, others years later. Meaningful dates such as anniversaries of the death, religious holidays or the birthday of the person who died can be suitable moments for some people to begin writing.

Can children also write a letter to a loved one who has died?

Yes, in a way suited to their age. Young children can draw a picture instead of writing, or tell an adult what to write for them. It is important not to force the child, not to steer what they write, and to respect that the letter belongs to them.

I cried more after writing the letter. Is that normal?

Yes, this is a common reaction. Writing can bring suppressed feelings to the surface. Crying is often a natural part of grief; but if you feel much worse for a long time after writing, or cannot keep up with your daily tasks, you might consider seeking support.

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• #grief process
• #expressive writing
• #after a loss

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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