Bullying Abroad: When Your Child Is Bullied at a Foreign School

What are the signs of bullying abroad in a child? What should parents do about peer bullying at a foreign school, and how can you work with the school?

One day your child came home from school quiet, did not touch their food and woke up the next morning with a stomach ache. When you asked, they said "nothing's wrong". A few weeks later, you found out that their name was being mocked in class, that they were left out of games at break time, or that they were laughed at because of their lunch. The experience of bullying abroad can carry additional difficulties on top of the known burdens of peer bullying: being "different", not knowing the language fully and the family's limited familiarity with the school system. In this article, we look at what children bullied by peers at a foreign school go through, the signs, the steps families can take and working with the school.

What Is Bullying Abroad? Forms of Peer Bullying Far from Home

Peer bullying is when a child is repeatedly and deliberately hurt by one or several of their peers. There are three important elements here: repetition, intent and an imbalance of power. Occasional arguments between friends do not count as bullying; but when a child is constantly targeted and cannot protect themselves, the situation is different.

Among the children of migrant families, bullying can take these forms:

• Verbal bullying: Being mocked for their name, accent, appearance, clothes or the food they bring from home
• Exclusion: Not being included in games, birthday parties or group work; being given the message "you're not one of us"
• Demeaning of identity: Belittling remarks about their country, religion, language or family
• Physical bullying: Being pushed, having belongings damaged, being threatened
• Cyberbullying: Being mocked in message groups, having photos shared without permission, being excluded

Bullying aimed at identity carries a particular weight, because it targets not only the child but also their family and origins. The child may fall into thoughts such as "Why am I like this?" and "I wish I weren't Turkish". This can affect identity development.

It would also be wrong to assume that bullying comes only from local children. Sometimes it comes from other migrant children, and sometimes from children in the same community. What matters is protecting the child, whoever the bullying comes from. For a general framework, you may also want to look at our article on peer bullying.

Signs That a Child Is Being Bullied by Peers

Children often do not tell anyone about bullying. They feel ashamed, do not want to upset their family, fear it will make things worse, or are afraid of being seen as a "snitch". Migrant children may also stay silent because they think their family is already struggling enough. That is why it is important to watch for the signs:

• Not wanting to go to school, frequent physical complaints in the mornings
• Marked tiredness, silence or outbursts of anger after school
• Belongings going missing or being damaged, or pocket money constantly "running out"
• Unexplained bruises or torn clothes
• Never mentioning friends, not being invited to birthday parties
• Sleep problems, nightmares, regression such as bedwetting
• A sudden drop in school performance
• Marked sadness after using their phone or computer
• A reaction against their own identity: refusing to speak Turkish, not wanting the food they take from home, wanting their name pronounced differently
• Negative talk about themselves: "Nobody likes me", "I'm weird"

Each of these signs can also have other causes. But if several appear together, it may be time to talk to your child at a calm moment.

Why Can Bullying Abroad Feel Harder?

Bullying is a heavy experience for every child. For migrant children, however, certain factors can add to the load.

The language barrier. A child who does not yet know the language of the school well has difficulty telling the teacher what has happened. They cannot find the words to defend themselves. Sometimes they may not even fully understand how hurtful the words said to them are, but they feel the tone and the laughter.

A narrow support network. In Turkey, they might have had a cousin, an aunt or a friend from the neighbourhood to run to for a hug. Far from home, a child's social circle outside school can be smaller.

The family's unfamiliarity with the school system. Parents may not know which door to knock on, what their rights are or what the school's bullying policy is. If there is a language barrier, meeting with the teacher becomes harder too.

The parents' own experiences. Parents who experienced exclusion in their own childhood or working life may feel very intense emotions when they hear about their child's experience of bullying. These feelings sometimes turn into anger and sometimes into helplessness.

A culture of "be strong". In some families, advice such as "Hit back whoever hits you" or "Forget it, ignore them" is given. This advice is well meant but often does not work; it can increase the child's sense of being left alone, or get them into trouble at school.

Quiet bullying going unnoticed. Forms such as exclusion, mocking looks or being removed from group chats are not easy to see from the outside. The teacher may not notice, because they have not seen an open fight in class. The child may also play down what they are going through, saying, "But nobody hits me." Yet quiet bullying can be just as wearing as physical bullying.

What a bullied child needs most is an adult who stands by them and tells them, "This is not your fault."

Effects on the Family and the Child's Development

A long-lasting experience of bullying can affect a child's sense of self, their sense of security and their relationship with school. Some children show anxiety, withdrawal and depressive symptoms. In others, behaviours such as difficulty controlling anger and harshness towards siblings at home can appear.

Bullying aimed at identity can also affect, in later years, the child's relationship with their own origins. Some children try to hide their origins and distance themselves from them; others feel completely excluded and retreat into their own community alone. Both extremes can make it harder for a child to build a healthy balance between two cultures.

The family is affected by this process too. The question "What should we do?" can create tension between parents: one may want to go to the school immediately, while the other argues that the child should sort it out alone. Some families think about changing schools, or even returning to Turkey. These decisions should not be made in haste but after the situation has been carefully assessed.

Imagine a nine-year-old girl whose classmates mocked her at school because she showed a photograph of her mother, who wears a headscarf. When she got home, she said nothing to her mother; but the following week she began to refuse to let her mother accompany her to the school bus. At first her mother interpreted this as "she's growing up, she's getting embarrassed". Some time later, she found torn pictures in her daughter's school bag and understood. In this example, the child was left alone while trying to protect both herself and her family. In such situations, it is important to give the child both messages together: "You can be proud of your mother" and "What happened to you was wrong, and the school needs to know about it."

Siblings can be affected by this process too. While a great deal of attention goes to the bullied child, the other siblings may feel pushed into the background, or, if they are at the same school, may fear becoming targets themselves. When the family talks with each child separately, it helps no one feel invisible during this time.

If Your Child Is Being Bullied: Steps You Can Take

1. Stay calm and listen. When your child begins to tell you, listen without interrupting or judging. Instead of "Why didn't you tell me earlier?", say "Thank you so much for telling me." Try not to let your anger out in front of your child; if the child is frightened of your reaction, they may not tell you next time.

2. Put the blame in the right place. Sentences such as "If you'd just fit in a bit more" or "Maybe you did something too" leave the child feeling alone. Be clear: "Nobody has the right to treat you like this."

3. Note down the details. When, where, by whom, what was done? In the case of cyberbullying, take screenshots. These notes let you give concrete information when you meet the school.

4. Contact the school. Request a meeting with the class teacher, the guidance service or the school management. Most schools have a bullying policy; do not hesitate to ask about it. If there is a language barrier, ask for interpreter support or get help from a relative who knows the school's language well. In the meeting, a collaborative rather than accusatory tone usually gets better results: "We want to find a solution together."

When preparing for the meeting, it helps to write the following questions in advance:

• Does the school have a written bullying policy?
• How is supervision provided at break times and on school transport?
• Which adult can my child turn to at a difficult moment?
• What are the next steps, and when will we speak again?

5. Follow up. A single meeting is often not enough. Ask which steps the school has taken, and meet again after a few weeks.

6. Support the child's strengths. When a child feels successful and valued in areas such as sport, music, art and club activities, their self-confidence is strengthened. Building different circles of friends outside school is also a protective factor.

7. Help them be proud of their identity. Turkish books, family stories, holidays and cultural events can help the child see their origins not as a source of shame but as a richness. Do this without forcing it, according to the child's own interests.

8. Make the home a safe harbour. When school is a hard place, a warm and predictable home supports the child's resilience. Small rituals such as family dinners, playing together and chatting are valuable in this respect.

9. Talk about online safety. Go through blocking, reporting and privacy settings together with your child. Instead of banning, give the message "Come to me if anything happens."

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Professional support can be helpful if the effects of bullying continue despite cooperation with the school, or if any of the following applies:

• Your child has refused to go to school for weeks, or experiences intense anxiety on the way to school
• Marked changes in sleep, appetite and mood continue
• Withdrawal, constant crying or outbursts of anger have increased
• They say things about themselves such as "I'm worthless" or "I wish I'd never been born"
• You have noticed that they are harming themselves

If there is self-harm or suicidal thinking, take it seriously and contact local emergency services without wasting time: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in such situations, local emergency services and local child and adolescent psychiatry services are essential.

The school's guidance service, the school psychologist and the paediatrician are also important resources in this process. Support in your mother tongue can be used alongside them.

How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?

A child who has been bullied usually talks about what has happened most comfortably in their mother tongue, or in whichever language they feel comfortable. For parents, speaking in their mother tongue can make it easier to express their own anger, anxiety and guilt without having to explain the cultural context. You can find other information prepared for families living abroad on our page for Turks living abroad.

Work based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can focus on the following areas:

• Recognising and expressing feelings: The child naming their feelings of fear, shame and anger
• Working with negative thoughts: Thoughts such as "It's happening because of me" and "Everyone hates me" being replaced by more balanced ones
• Skill development: Skills in expressing oneself, asking for help, finding a safe adult and setting boundaries; these can be practised through role play
• Identity and self-worth: The child being able to see their origins and differences not as a deficiency but as a part of who they are
• Parent sessions: Strategies for communicating with the school, supportive communication at home and parents regulating their own emotions

Play-based methods are used with young children, and more talk-based methods with teenagers. In online sessions, a quiet room where the child can be comfortable, and headphones, are important. Payment can be made online; you will need to check the conditions in your country of residence for insurance reimbursement. You can find information about work with teenagers on the adolescent counselling page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I tell my child to "hit back"?

Hitting back physically usually does not solve the problem, and it can leave the child facing disciplinary problems. Instead, teaching them to express themselves in a firm voice, to walk away from the situation and to tell an adult they trust is a more protective approach.

Will changing schools solve the bullying?

Sometimes a change of school can be necessary and helpful. However, cooperation with the current school should be tried first, and the child's view should be taken. It is worth remembering that there will be an adjustment process at the new school too, and the child may continue to need emotional support.

What should I do if the child who is bullying is also a migrant?

Bullying should be treated with the same seriousness whoever it comes from. The healthiest way is again to report the situation through the school, calmly and concretely. Confronting the other family directly often increases tension.

My child tells me nothing. How can I get them to talk?

Instead of questioning them directly, it can be easier to start a conversation while walking together, on a car journey or while playing. Indirect questions such as "Is anyone in your class left out?" can also open the door. Most importantly, let them feel that you will stay calm when they tell you.

• #bullying abroad
• #peer bullying
• #migrant child
• #school
• #parenting

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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