A job relocation by official posting can change a whole family's life overnight. Read how a compulsory move affects spouses and children, and ways to adjust.
A notification pops up on the phone during dinner: the posting results have been announced. Your spouse looks at the screen and their face changes colour. Roughly a thousand kilometres away, a district you have never seen. Your child had only this year made friends at school, you had finally found your rhythm at work, and only last month you hung the curtains in the house whose rent you had just paid. Within a few days the goodbyes begin, along with haggling with removal firms, school transfers and the search for a new home. A job relocation through an official posting (known in Turkey as "tayin") is a breaking point that happens again and again in the lives of many public sector families, from teachers and health workers to judges, prosecutors and security personnel. In this article we look at the psychological impact of a compulsory move on each member of the family, the feelings most often experienced, and ways of making it easier to adjust to a new place.
Why Is a Job Relocation So Unsettling?
Moving house is known as one of life's most stressful experiences. A move that comes with an official posting has some features that make it even harder:
- There is no choice, or very little: The decision is usually made outside the family. When people feel they cannot control a major change in their own lives, stress rises noticeably.
- The timeframe is short: As the start date approaches, there is very little time to find a home, pack, arrange a school transfer and say goodbye.
- The place is often unknown: The province or district you are going to may be somewhere you have never seen, known only from what you have read online.
- It can happen again: In some professions, postings come round every few years. This brings a "Not again?" weariness and a sense of never being able to put down roots anywhere.
- It changes everyone's life: Even if only one person is posted, the spouse's job, the children's schools and the family's social circle all change together.
In Turkey, for many public sector employees, their first posting is to a district far from their family and the city they grew up in. They live for years with the hope "One day I'll request a posting close to home." That is why the news of a posting sometimes brings joy and sometimes disappointment; very often, both at once.
That is why a posting is not just a change of workplace, but a process in which the whole family is restructured.
Common Feelings After a Job Relocation
Shock and denial
In the first moments, thoughts such as "There must be some mistake" or "If we appeal, it'll change" are common. This reaction is a short period the mind gives itself to absorb bad news.
Anger
It is understandable to feel angry at the rules, the system, the authorities who make the postings, or at fate itself: "Why does it always happen to us?" This anger is sometimes directed at the spouse: "Because of your job, we're leaving everything behind again."
Loss and grief
The home left behind, the neighbourhood, friends, the familiar supermarket, the child's teacher and the family doctor: each is a small loss. Together, these losses can set off a kind of grieving process. For families who have lived in the same place for many years especially, the period of farewells can be very hard.
Anxiety
Many uncertainties feed anxiety: what the new place will be like, whether the children will settle into school, whether the spouse will find work, how high the rents are. The greater the uncertainty, the more scenarios the mind produces.
Guilt
The person who has been posted may feel guilty for turning the family's life upside down. A spouse giving up their career or a child crying deepens this guilt.
Curiosity and hope
It is not all negative. For some families, a new city is a fresh start, a chance to get to know a different culture and to grow closer as a family. Making room for this curiosity and hope alongside the difficult feelings makes adjustment easier.
A posting changes your address; but what holds a family together is how you move to that new address together.
The Impact of a Posting on the Spouse
One of the people least talked about yet most affected by postings is the spouse of the person who has been posted. The spouse often:
- Has to leave their own job or look for work from scratch in the new city.
- Loses their social circle, their friends and their closeness to their own family.
- Takes on most of the practical burden of the move: packing, setting up the home, school and health registrations.
- Is known in the new place by an identity such as "the teacher's wife", "the district governor's wife" or "the doctor's husband"; their own identity can be pushed into the background.
Let's say your spouse had to leave the accountancy office where they had worked for years. They could not find similar work in the new district and began spending their days at home. After a while, you notice that they are quieter and more fragile when they talk to you. This is not just the loss of a job but a loss of identity and autonomy. Naming this loss, looking for new options together and supporting your spouse in rebuilding their own space are an important part of protecting your relationship.
Some families choose for the spouses to live in separate cities for a while. This arrangement brings its own difficulties: weekend journeys, the burden of parenting alone and communication squeezed into phone calls. Whichever option is chosen, it is important that the decision is made by both spouses together and reviewed at regular intervals.
How Does a Job Relocation Affect Children?
For children, a posting means a change of school, friends, bedroom and the whole world they know. The effect differs with age.
Pre-school children cannot fully understand why the family is moving, but they are affected by the house being packed up and by their parents' tension. Disrupted sleep, separation anxiety and regression in skills they had already gained (toilet training, for example) may be seen.
Primary school children feel the sadness of losing their friends and teachers. Being "the new one" at a new school, being alone in the classroom and speaking with a different regional accent can be hard for them.
For teenagers, moving can be much more challenging. At this age, the friendship group is an important part of identity. A teenager who is separated from their friends may be angry, resentful or withdrawn. Changing schools in the middle of preparing for the LGS or YKS (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams) also increases academic anxiety.
How should you tell children about the posting?
- Be early and honest: Once the posting is confirmed, explain where and why you are moving, in language suited to the child's age.
- Make room for their feelings: Saying "Leaving your friends makes you sad, and I understand that" instead of "Don't be sad, it'll be lovely there too" acknowledges the child's feelings.
- Involve them in the process: Looking at photographs of the new city together and letting them choose something for their room increases their sense of control.
- Emphasise what is not changing: Knowing that the same bedtime story will be read in the new home, that the habit of watching a film together on Friday evenings will continue, or that their favourite toys are coming with them reminds the child that not everything is changing and gives them a sense of security.
- Allow time for goodbyes: A farewell get-together with friends, a letter to their teacher or taking photographs of the old neighbourhood make the parting more meaningful.
- Keep connections going: Make it possible for them to video-call their old friends and see them during the holidays.
Ways of Making It Easier to Adjust to a New Place
Gather information before the move
Finding out in advance about schools, health services, neighbourhoods and social facilities in the place you are going reduces uncertainty. If possible, making a short visit before the move or getting in touch with colleagues at the same institution makes the new place feel more familiar.
Set up routines quickly in the first weeks
Restarting family routines such as mealtimes, sleep schedules and weekend habits as early as possible in the new home creates a sense of security, especially for children. Setting up the child's room before all the boxes are unpacked is a good start.
Take steps to connect with your new surroundings
School parents' meetings, the neighbourhood mosque, sports clubs, adult education courses and social events at the workplace are natural ways of meeting new people. Getting to know other families who have arrived through postings is also very valuable; people who share the same experience understand each other more easily.
Accept the losses and limit comparisons
The thought "Everything was better in our old city" is natural in the first months. But constantly comparing makes it harder to see the good things in the new place. Sharing, as a family, one small thing you like about the new place each week balances your outlook.
Share the load between spouses
It is important that the practical and emotional burden of the move does not fall on one person alone. The person who has been posted not withdrawing completely from home and childcare tasks while adjusting to the new job reduces the spouse's sense of being left alone.
Look after the posted person's own adjustment too
The person who has been posted is starting work at a new institution, with a new team and a new manager, while at the same time dealing with the family's feelings. Learning the rules of a new workplace, earning trust and living with the tension of being "the new one" are tiring in their own right. This person often tries not to let their own struggles show at home; but suppressed tiredness can eventually show itself as irritability or withdrawal. It is important that the person who has been posted also finds a space to talk about their own adjustment.
Give yourselves time to adjust
Feeling at home in a new place takes time. For many families the first six months are the hardest; by the end of the first year, a new routine usually begins to settle. Knowing this timeframe is a reminder that the struggles of the first months are not permanent.
For more on the general psychological effects of changing cities, you can take a look at our article on moving to a new city. We discuss the sources of stress inherent in public sector work in our article on stress among public sector employees.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Sadness, tiredness and restlessness are normal in the first months after a posting. In the following situations, however, it can be helpful to talk to a professional:
- If, months later, you or your spouse still have marked low mood, hopelessness and lack of motivation
- If arguments between spouses have become more frequent and accusations of "It's because of this posting" have worn down the relationship
- If your child does not want to go to school, cries constantly, or their sleep or appetite has noticeably deteriorated
- If your teenager has withdrawn completely or their outbursts of anger have increased
- If, because of frequent postings, you notice that you cannot belong anywhere and feel constantly exhausted
How Are Postings and Compulsory Relocation Addressed in Therapy?
In therapy, the first thing discussed is what the move means for each family member and what losses it involves. Room is made for the anger and helplessness created by a change that cannot be controlled.
With a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts such as "We'll never be happy here" or "I've ruined my family's life" are noticed and evaluated from a more balanced perspective. Work focuses on tolerating uncertainty, building new social connections and restructuring family routines. Sharing the load and communication between spouses can also be included in the process.
For anxiety and behavioural changes caused by the move in young children, play-based work can be effective; in child and play therapy, the child has the opportunity to express the change they are going through in play, their own language.
Frequently Asked Questions
Will changing schools often because of postings harm my child?
Frequent changes of school are challenging for children, but they do not on their own mean lasting harm. Parents' calm and supportive attitude, explaining the change honestly and in advance, and preserving old connections help a great deal in enabling the child to cope with this experience.
I had to give up my job because of my spouse's posting, and I feel worthless. What can I do?
This feeling is connected not only to the loss of a job but also to the loss of identity and independence. It is important to research options related to your profession in the new place, consider alternatives such as remote work or courses, and talk openly with your spouse about this loss. If the feeling intensifies, talking to a professional can help.
My teenager won't accept the move and isn't speaking to us. What should I do?
A teenager's anger and resentment are a reaction to the friendships they have lost and a decision they could not control. Acknowledging their feelings without pressuring them, making it possible for them to keep in touch with old friends and helping them find activities that suit their interests in the new place gradually reopen communication.
How can I stay calm while waiting for the outcome of an appeal against a posting?
Waiting in uncertainty can be even more tiring than definite bad news. During this period, making a short plan for each possible outcome, limiting how often you check the news and social media groups, and keeping your daily routine stop anxiety from taking over your whole life.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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