Why is changing schools so hard for a teenager? Settling into a new school after a move or job transfer, what families can do and the signs to watch for.
The father's transfer letter arrives in April. For the rest of the family this means a new city, a new home and perhaps more affordable rents. For their fourteen-year-old daughter, though, it means something entirely different: the friends she has sat with in the same class for four years, her place in the volleyball team, the canteen man calling her by her name, the jokes on the school bus... All of it will be left behind within a few months. In adults' eyes, changing schools often looks like a matter of logistics: registration, transfer papers, books, the school bus. For the young person, however, it is a major loss and a new beginning in which their social world has to be rebuilt. In this article I look at the effects of a change of school on a teenager, what the family can do before and after the move, and when the adjustment process may call for professional support.
Why Is Changing Schools So Hard for a Teenager?
For a teenager, school is not just a place where lessons happen. It is a social world where friendships are formed, where identity is shaped in the mirror of peers, and where the feeling of belonging to a group is lived. During adolescence, the importance of peer relationships peaks; a young person defines who they are largely through how their friends see them.
A change of school turns this world upside down in an instant. The young person leaves behind the place, the reputation and the role they built up over the years. At their old school they were the one who "plays the guitar well", "the team captain" or "the one who listens to everyone's problems"; at the new school, no one knows them. For some young people this can be a chance to turn over a new leaf, but for most it means a feeling of invisibility and loneliness in the first months.
Young children generally adapt to a new environment more quickly; they can join a game at the first break and make friends. Among teenagers, however, friendship groups are often structures formed over years, with their own jokes, shared memories and closed messaging groups. It takes time for a newcomer to get into these groups.
A change of school also comes with an academic load. Different teachers, different marking habits, sometimes different books and a different order of topics, a transfer that coincides with exam season... For a young person preparing for the LGS or YKS (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams), this transition can be an additional source of stress.
Common Reasons for Changing Schools in Turkey
In Turkey, many young people have to change schools at least once during their teenage years. Some of the most common reasons are:
- Transfers and postings: Children of parents who are teachers, police officers, soldiers, judges, prosecutors or healthcare workers may change cities every few years. Compulsory service or mandatory rotation is part of life for these families.
- Financial reasons: Rent rises, job loss or a new job opportunity can force families to move to another district or city.
- Changes in family structure: Divorce, remarriage, moving in with an elderly relative
- Disasters: After the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, many young people had to start school in other cities suddenly and without preparation.
- Academic reasons: Being placed in a new high school according to the LGS result, or a transfer because of school performance or dissatisfaction
- Bullying or problems in the school environment: Some families decide to change schools because of bullying or adjustment difficulties the young person is experiencing.
The reason for the change of school also determines how the young person will experience it. A young person who changes schools of their own accord, for example because they got into a high school they wanted, and a young person who unwillingly moves to another city because of their father's transfer do not go through the same process.
What May Be Seen While Settling into a New School?
Settling into a new school does not progress in a straight line. The excitement of the first days may, a few weeks later, give way to loneliness and longing for the old school. During the adjustment process, the following may be seen in young people:
- Reluctance to go to school in the mornings, physical complaints such as stomach aches and headaches
- Constant messaging with old friends, showing no interest in the new environment
- Being alone at break and lunchtime, eating alone or not eating at all
- Anger towards the family: "You've ruined my life", "You never asked me"
- Withdrawal, retreating to their room, drifting away from activities they enjoy
- A temporary drop in grades
- Trying too hard to fit in: Behaving in ways that do not suit them for the sake of being accepted by the new group, turning to risky friendships
A large part of these reactions is a natural part of the transition. Many young people struggle in the first few months, then gradually find their place.
Accent, clothes, habits: the visible face of being different
Young people who change cities often experience small differences turning into big problems. A young person who moves from east to west, from a small district town to a big city or the other way round may be mocked for their accent. Their style of dress, the words they use, the music they like or the team they support can mark them out as an "outsider" in the first days. While a young person who has come from Istanbul to an Anatolian city may complain, "Everything is so slow here", a young person who has come from a district town to a metropolis may feel lost in the crowd. Knowing that these differences will become natural over time gives the young person strength.
Class groups and invisible boundaries
Today, a large part of a class's social life takes place on screens. The class messaging group, shared game servers, social media accounts that follow each other... Even if a newcomer exchanges polite greetings with everyone at school, they may be left out of these conversations that go on into the evening. Not getting the jokes told in class the next day and hearing remarks like "We talked about it in the group last night" deepen the feeling of exclusion. As a parent, noticing this helps you understand the concrete experience behind the young person's complaint that "Nobody talks to me." Asking the school counsellor for help in getting them added to the class group can be a small but effective step.
Before the Move: Preparing Together with the Young Person
When and how the change of school will happen is usually decided by the adults, not the young person. However, the young person having a say in the process makes adjustment noticeably easier.
Break the news early and honestly. Tell the young person as soon as the move is confirmed. News left to the last minute means the young person cannot find time to say goodbye and prepare.
Make room for their feelings. Listen to the young person's anger, sadness and objections. Instead of quick consolations such as "But it's a lovely city; look how nice it will be", saying, "I know it's hard to leave your friends" comforts them more.
Open up areas where they can choose. The decision to move may not change, but asking for the young person's opinion on matters such as the layout of their room in the new home, the choice of school, or the club or sport they will join strengthens their sense of control.
Get to know the new school in advance. If possible, visit the school together before the move, look at the school's website and social media accounts, and meet the school counsellor. An unknown environment is far more frightening than a familiar one.
Explore the new city together. Before the move, or in the first weeks, find places in the new city together that might interest the young person: a library, a café, a sports centre, a seafront path. Finding a corner of the city of their own speeds up the feeling of belonging there.
Allow them to say goodbye. A farewell get-together at the old school, photos taken with friends and short notes written to teachers help the young person close this chapter properly.
After the Move: Supporting Adjustment to the New School
The aim of the first term at a new school is not to become friends with everyone, but to find one or two faces you can safely say hello to.
Keep expectations realistic. Do not give the young person the message that they should make new friends in the first week. Friendship takes time; getting close to just one or two people over a term is a good start.
Find points of connection outside school. Sports clubs, music courses, youth centres and volunteering make it easier to form friendships through shared interests. Joining a club or team at the new school is generally easier than getting into the established groups within the class.
Keep old friendships going. Video calls with old friends and visits during the holidays maintain the young person's bond with their past. These bonds do not hinder adjustment to the new environment; on the contrary, they offer a secure anchor. If time spent only with old friends is leading to no interest at all in the new environment, the balance needs to be talked through together.
Work with the school. You can ask the school counsellor to assign a classmate who will show the young person around the school in the first weeks. Teachers knowing that the young person is new allows them to give them more space in lessons.
Ease the academic transition. The order of topics may be different; getting support from a teacher or a friend for topics they have missed prevents the young person from feeling behind.
Look after your own adjustment too. Moving to a new city is hard for parents as well. Your loneliness, tiredness or dissatisfaction directly affects the young person's adjustment. Try to build a support network for yourself in the new city too. For the effects of changing cities on adults, you can take a look at the article on moving to a new city.
Families Who Move Often: Children of Soldiers, Police Officers and Teachers
Some young people have to change schools three or four times during their teenage years. Young people growing up in families who move often can, over time, become skilled at adjusting to new environments; but this can also come at a cost. Some avoid forming deep friendships, thinking "We'll be leaving again anyway", and feel they belong nowhere.
In these families, the things that give the young person continuity are especially important: a hobby or sport kept up in every city, family rituals, one or two friends they have been in touch with for years. Talking about how complicated their answer to the question "Where are you from?" is also helps them own their story.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Struggling during the adjustment process is to be expected. However, it is advisable to see a specialist in these situations:
- Refusal to go to school has lasted for several weeks, or absences are increasing
- The young person has not been able to form any friendships even after two or three months, and has been left completely alone
- They are being bullied at the new school
- Marked unhappiness, hopelessness, or changes in sleep and appetite are seen
- Turning to risky circles of friends, substance use or extreme defiance of rules has begun
- The young person talks about harming themselves or not wanting to live; in this case, call 112 (emergency services) urgently
If bullying is an issue at the new school, the article on peer bullying contains practical suggestions for families.
How Are Changing Schools and the Adjustment Process Addressed in Therapy?
In therapy, the young person finds a space where they can talk about their feelings, losses and fears around the change of school. This space is especially important for young people who struggle to express anger towards their family, or who hide their feelings so as not to upset them.
Within the framework of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), thoughts such as "I'll never have friends here" or "Everyone's making fun of me" are examined. With young people who have social anxiety, skills such as starting a conversation, joining a group and coping with the fear of rejection are worked on step by step. Sessions with parents help the family manage the transition more consciously. For more information about work with young people, you can look at the adolescent counselling page.
Frequently Asked Questions
When is the right time to change schools?
If possible, the start of the school year is preferable, because at that point the young person will not be the only newcomer and classes are reshaped. However, in situations such as transfers and moves, the timing is not always in the family's hands. For a young person starting mid-year, working more closely with the school and providing extra support in the first weeks is important.
How long does it take to settle into a new school?
This varies with the young person's personality, the reason for the change of school and the new environment. Many young people get used to their routine and friendships within a few months; for some, it may take a whole school year. If the young person's general wellbeing is improving over time, the process is going in a healthy direction.
My teenager wants to go back to their old school; what should I do?
This wish is often an expression of the loneliness and longing felt in the new environment. Rather than rejecting it straight away, it helps to talk about what in particular the young person misses and what feels hard at the new school. If a genuine return is not possible, you can find ways together of keeping old bonds and taking small steps in the new environment.
Is changing schools the answer for a teenager who is being bullied?
In some cases, changing schools may be a necessary step for the young person's safety and wellbeing. However, before doing so, it is important to try what the current school can do to stop the bullying and to help the young person process what they have been through. Otherwise, the young person may carry the shame and anxiety they experienced into the new school.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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