Placed in an Unwanted High School: From Disappointment to Adjustment

Has your child been placed in an unwanted high school and is struggling with disappointment? Read about the emotions, steps to adjust and the family role.

On the day placement results are announced, the school name that appears on the screen brings shrieks of joy to some homes and a long silence to others. For a fourteen-year-old, that name is not just a school; it carries many meanings, such as being separated from friends or staying with them, feeling successful or a failure, making the family proud or letting them down. If your child has been placed in an unwanted high school, you are probably trying to carry their disappointment and your own feelings at the same time. In this article we look at why being placed in an unwanted school after the LGS (Turkey's national high-school entrance exam) can shake a young person so deeply, at the usual course of this upheaval, and at concrete steps that can make adjusting to the new school easier. The aim is not to gloss over the situation; it is to accompany the young person as they acknowledge the loss they have experienced and become able to look ahead.

Placed in an Unwanted High School: Why Does It Feel Like a Loss?

For adults it is easy to say, "At the end of the day it's just a high school; everything can change in the university exam." But in a teenager's world, school is the centre of identity and social life. The school they wanted has often been imagined for months, even years: its corridors, its students, the route to it on the school bus, perhaps the stories told by an older sister or cousin. When this dream suddenly disappears, the young person experiences a real loss.

This loss has several dimensions:

• The loss of an imagined future: A plan woven from details such as "I was going to join that club at that school, I was going to work with that teacher" becomes void.
• The loss of friendships: If close friends have been placed in the schools they wanted, the young person feels left behind. Plans made in the last year of middle school to "go to the same high school" fall apart.
• A shaken sense of self: Thoughts such as "I didn't study enough" or "I'm a failure" emerge. The result takes the place of the young person's belief about themselves.
• Status anxiety: Because schools in Turkey are talked about in terms of a hierarchy, the young person may carry the school they were placed in like a "label".

Like anyone experiencing a loss, the young person may swing between feelings such as denial, anger, bargaining and sadness during this process. "I'm not going to that school", "The exam was unfair", "Maybe I can transfer" and quiet crying are all part of this ordinary process.

Signs of Disappointment: What Is Normal and What Needs Attention

In the first weeks after results are announced, the following reactions are common in young people:

• Withdrawing to their room and refusing to talk about the result
• Avoiding seeing friends' social media posts or, conversely, watching them for hours
• Anger towards the family, especially towards the parent from whom they felt pressure during the exam period
• Sweeping judgements belittling the new school, such as "that place is awful"
• A drifting sleep routine and spending the rest of the summer aimlessly
• Stomach aches and tension that increase as the start of school approaches

Most of these reactions lose their intensity within a few weeks and give way to new experiences in the first months of school. However, more care is needed if the disappointment continues at the same intensity for months, if the young person refuses to go to school, or if their sadness turns into hopelessness. We discuss suggestions for the first days after an exam result separately in our article on a disappointing LGS result.

The Particular Weight of Being Placed in an Unwanted School in Turkey

In Turkey the LGS process is often lived as a joint family project. After months of preparation, mock exams, course fees and weekend study sessions, the result can be perceived as an evaluation of the family as much as of the young person. That is why, when the result falls short of expectations, parents also experience their own disappointment, and even shame.

During this period, questions from relatives and neighbours create a separate burden. At Bayram (religious festival) visits or family gatherings, the question "Which school did she get into?" can make the young person reopen the same wound every time. Comparisons with cousins and sentences like "Ours got into such-and-such a school too" deepen the young person's sense of worthlessness.

Another reality is the prejudice surrounding different types of school. Negative talk circulating in society about vocational high schools or schools far from home can lead the young person to close the doors on their new school before they have even started. Yet every school contains different students, different teachers and different opportunities; the young person can only see these once they have walked through the gate.

Let's say a young person aiming for a science high school is placed, by a margin of a few points, in an Anatolian high school (a general academic high school) far from home. Their close friend got into the school they were aiming for. All summer the young person avoids seeing that friend and won't even say the name of the new school. At the end of the first week in September they come home and say, "The biology teacher seems good, but…" and then immediately fall silent. The silence after that "but" may show both that the young person has begun to like some things and that accepting this feels like a betrayal of their old dream.

Your Child Was Placed in an Unwanted High School: How Can You Support Them?

Acknowledge the feeling first, then move to solutions

The most common mistake in the first days is trying to make the young person's sadness go away quickly. Sentences such as "Never mind, that school is good too" or "You'll make up for it at university" are well-meant, but they can give the young person the message "you have no reason to be upset." Saying instead "This has really upset you; you really wanted that school" lets the young person feel that their emotion has been seen. A young person whose feelings are accepted opens up much more easily to conversations about solutions.

Avoid blame

Sentences such as "I told you so, you wasted too much time on your phone" may seem like an analysis of what happened, but they deepen the young person's shame. What could have been done differently during the exam period can be discussed; but the time for that is once the first pain has passed and the young person can raise the subject themselves.

Review the options realistically together

After placement, additional preference rounds and transfer options vary according to the guidelines published each year and the type of school. Finding out the current rules from the school administration and the provincial or district directorate of national education puts real information in place of vague hopes or flat "impossibles". Researching this information together with the young person gives them a sense of control. However, when the transfer option is discussed, take care that it does not become a way of postponing adjustment to the new school: a year begun with the thought "I'm leaving anyway" is often lonely and disconnected.

Start getting to know the school in small steps

Seeing the building together before school starts, trying out the route, and researching the school's clubs and social activities reduce uncertainty. A club, sports team or project group that matches the young person's interests can be the first handhold of belonging at the school.

Help them keep old friendships

Going to different schools does not mean a friendship will end. Weekend meet-ups, shared activities and giving them room to be happy about their friend's success are important. The young person can learn that they can envy a friend's success and still go on loving them.

As a parent, carry your own disappointment somewhere else

You may also have been upset, perhaps even quietly angry, that your child was placed in an unwanted high school. These feelings are entirely human. Yet a young person often carries their family's disappointment more heavily than their own. Sighs at the dinner table, or the tone of your voice as you tell a relative on the phone "well, what can we do, it wasn't meant to be," can feed the young person's feeling that "I let them down as well." Talking about your own feelings with your partner, a friend or, if necessary, a professional allows you to be calmer and more consistent in front of the young person. Saying "We were upset too, but our trust in you hasn't changed" is both honest and healing.

Make a small plan for the first weeks

In the first days at school the young person feels like a stranger. Setting small, concrete goals together makes this uncertainty manageable: in the first week, learning the name of at least one person in the class and going to the canteen with someone once at break; in the second week, having a short chat with a teacher outside lessons, and so on. Asking in the evening, "What surprised you at school today?" opens up more than the one-word answers to "How was school?"

Treat the first two months of school as a trial period

Rather than telling the young person "You have to like this school", it is more realistic to say "Let's observe the first two months together and talk about what you liked and what you found hard." This approach helps the young person suspend judgement and stay open to experience. You can find general steps for adjusting to a new school in our article on adjusting to high school.

When a door closes, there is no need to pretend the dream behind it never existed; first you are allowed to grieve for that dream, and then you look in through the new door.

Identity and Self-Esteem: I Am Not the Result

Adolescence is a period in which identity takes shape. A major experience of failure during this time can easily settle into the young person's story about themselves: "I'm someone who always loses at the last moment." That is why it is very important for the family and the adults around the young person to separate the result from the young person's character.

Make the young person's strengths outside the exam visible: their curiosity, their sense of humour, the way they help a friend, their practical skills or their effort in sport. The exam measures none of these qualities. Not reducing the young person's sense of themselves to a single score nurtures their courage to start again at the new school. You can find a broader framework on identity development in our article on identity in adolescence.

Talking to the young person about your own experience can also help; not as if giving a lesson, but as if sharing. Was there ever a school, job or city in your life that you ended up in against your wishes, that you didn't like at first but that later took you somewhere? Telling this not with the message "in the end everything turned out fine" but with the honesty of "I was very angry back then, and that anger lasted a while" takes the young person's feeling out of isolation. A young person learns that disappointment is something that can be lived through above all from the real story of someone who has lived it.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Disappointment is an expected feeling for a young person placed in a school they did not want. However, it may be helpful to talk to a professional in the following situations:

• If, even months after the start of school, the young person says they cannot adjust and are unhappy every day
• If refusing to go to school, or frequently staying at home with physical complaints, has begun
• If they have pulled away from their friends completely and no longer come out of their room
• If there are long-lasting changes in sleep, appetite and energy levels
• If they use expressions of hopelessness such as "Nothing has any meaning" or "I wish I'd never existed"

The last point is particularly important. If the young person talks about thoughts of harming themselves or ending their life, take it seriously; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services) without delay.

These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis. Within adolescent counselling, the aim is to understand, through the young person's own eyes, how they are experiencing this period of transition.

How Is Disappointment About School Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy, the first step is to make room for the young person to name the loss they have experienced. When the young person can express, without being judged, the anger, shame or envy of a friend that they have not been able to tell anyone about, these feelings stop being a burden and become understandable.

Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the meanings the young person attaches to the result are examined. Thoughts such as "Because of this school I won't get into university" or "Everyone looks at me with pity" are evaluated together with the evidence. Next, small steps the young person can try at the new school are planned: joining a club, getting to know one person in the class, asking a teacher a question. The results of these steps are reviewed together.

In some young people, this disappointment triggers pre-existing patterns with themes of "inadequacy" or "failure". Recognising these patterns helps the young person cope more flexibly with future disappointments as well. Sessions with parents, meanwhile, focus on how the family can offer support without projecting its own disappointment onto the young person.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it possible for my child, who was placed in an unwanted high school, to change schools?

Transfer and additional placement options vary according to the type of school and the regulations published each year. Up-to-date information needs to be obtained from the school administration and the directorate of national education. When deciding, take into account not only the school's name but also transport, the young person's social circle and the cost of adjusting to yet another new school.

What should we say when relatives ask which school they got into?

A short, calm answer is enough: "She was placed at such-and-such a school, and we're getting used to it." Avoid commenting or getting into comparisons in front of the young person. If the young person wishes, they can give their own answer; not putting them in the middle of these conversations means protecting their space.

What happens if they never like the new school?

Some young people never like their school very much, yet they build good friendships there, find teachers they like and make progress towards their goals. Liking the school is not the only measure of adjustment. What matters is that the young person can keep functioning at school and feels safe; if this cannot be achieved, it is helpful to assess the situation with a professional.

• #after the LGS
• #adjusting to high school
• #disappointment
• #changing schools

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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