Dating a Soldier: Keeping Your Relationship Strong During Military Service

Dating a soldier means months of longing, worry and uncertainty. Read realistic ways to protect both your relationship and yourself during military service.

The sound of the drums from the send-off night is still in your ears. You hugged one last time at the coach station, waved until the bus turned the corner, and then went home and waited for a call without letting go of your phone. Dating a soldier is an experience that many young people and fiancés in Turkey go through at some point in their lives; it is rarely talked about from the outside, but it is very intense from the inside. Over months when phone calls are limited, news arrives late and even the location of the unit can be uncertain, longing, worry and waiting become intertwined. In this article we look at the emotional burden that the period of military service places on couples, practical ways to keep the relationship going, and how you can protect your own life during this time.

Why Is Dating a Soldier Not an Ordinary Long-Distance Relationship?

Many couples have to live in different cities. But the period of military service differs from an ordinary long-distance relationship in a few important ways.

Communication is not in your hands. In a normal long-distance relationship you decide together when to call. During military service, phone times, leave, and changes of duty are outside your partner's control and yours. Going days without news is normal.

The worry is more concrete. Questions such as which unit your partner will be posted to, whether the duty station is safe, and whether an incident you heard about on the news has anything to do with them make the worry feel much heavier than ordinary longing.

The length is fixed, but time feels long. The discharge date is known; but especially in the first weeks it seems impossibly far away. Crossing days off the calendar is sometimes comforting and sometimes a reminder of how slowly time is passing.

Change happens on both sides. The person doing military service lives in an unfamiliar order, within a new hierarchy and routine. You, meanwhile, carry on with your life in their absence; perhaps you start a new job or make new friends. When you meet again months later, you have both changed a little.

These differences show that the difficulty you are going through is not exaggerated. The often-heard remark "It's only a few months" belittles the feelings of the person living through this experience.

Feelings Common During Military Service

The swearing-in ceremony and the excitement of the first leave

The swearing-in ceremony in the first weeks of military service, or the first leave, is for most couples the first stop on a long wait. It is natural to load these reunions with great meaning; but the fact that they are short, take place among a crowd of family, or are not as warm as hoped can also bring disappointment. Seeing these moments not as scenes that have to be perfect but as breathing spaces within the wait makes the moment of parting more bearable too.

Longing and emptiness

The first weeks are usually the hardest. The cafés you went to together, the evening phone calls that had become a habit and the weekend plans suddenly disappear. Having no one to tell the things you want to share with them during the day can bring a lump to your throat at unexpected moments.

Worry and catastrophic scenarios

Feeling your heart tighten when you hear about an incident on the news, or imagining the worst when your partner's phone has been off for a few days, are very understandable reactions. This worry can be more intense for the loved ones of soldiers posted to regions that carry security risks. The mind often fills uncertainty with the darkest possibilities.

Jealousy and insecurity

Being apart can feed insecurity on both sides. The person doing military service may be bothered by their partner's social life and the new people they meet. The one left behind may question why their partner prioritises their family rather than them during leave. Because phone calls are restricted, a small misunderstanding can turn into tension that goes unresolved for days. If you are wondering how these feelings connect with a general sense of insecurity in the relationship, you can take a look at our article on relationship anxiety.

Guilt

Some people feel guilty about enjoying themselves, going out with friends or even laughing while their partner lives in difficult conditions. The thought "They're standing guard out there and I'm having fun here?" can lead a person to put their own life on hold.

Pressure from those around you

Questions such as "What happens when he's back from the army?", "When are you going to get engaged?" or "Is it worth waiting this long?" come often, especially from family and relatives. Sometimes, conversely, the partner's family watches closely how you behave during this period. The weight of these looks can make the wait even more tiring.

Dating a Soldier: Ways to Keep Communication Strong

Communication during military service is limited; but this limitation can also become an opportunity to improve the quality of communication.

Make short calls count

When call time is short, it is easy to spend those few minutes on complaints, arguments or the details of daily routine. It helps to have two or three things in mind beforehand: a moment that made you laugh during the day, a piece of news they are curious about, a thank-you you want to say. In short calls, warmth matters more than length.

Remember the power of letters

Sending letters and parcels is still possible in many units. A handwritten letter is often a more lasting support for the person doing military service than a phone call; it can be read again and again and tucked into a pocket on hard nights. Sharing not only your longing but also the small details of daily life in your letters helps them remain part of your life.

Don't try to fit arguments into a phone call

An argument that starts in a call lasting a few minutes is usually left unfinished and leaves both of you uneasy for days. Saving serious topics for leave or for times when longer conversations are possible protects the relationship from unnecessary tension. Saying "I want to talk about this face to face; for now, I love you and I'm here" is not ignoring the problem, but giving it the right time.

Create a shared ritual

Doing the same thing at the same time creates a sense of connection despite the distance. Small rituals such as listening to the same song before going to bed every evening, watching the same series on a particular day of the week and talking about it on the next call, or both reading the same book and mentioning it in your letters nurture the feeling "We're apart, but we're living the same life." These rituals don't need to be elaborate; their continuity matters more than their size.

Talk about expectations

Openly discussing topics such as how often they will be able to call, how they will divide their time during leave and what you need during this period, before military service starts or on the first leave, prevents hurt feelings that might arise later.

The days spent on military service are not time stolen from your relationship; they are a period in which you learn that you can trust each other even from afar.

Waiting Without Putting Your Own Life on Hold

Dating a soldier can often feel like turning your life into a waiting room. Yet one of the keys to getting through this period healthily is being able to carry on with your own life.

Keep your routine. University, work, exercise, meeting friends... These routines make time pass more quickly and meaningfully. Building your life only around the hours when the phone might ring makes longing and worry grow.

Set yourself small goals. A list of books you want to finish during the service, a skill you are starting to learn, an amount of money you want to save... These goals turn the wait from a passive process into a period of growth for you too.

Keep your support network alive. Friends who have been through a similar process, family members who understand you or a warm relationship with your partner's family can be an important source of support during this period. Some people say they became much closer to their partner's mother during this time and that sharing the same worry did both of them good.

Limit the news. If your anxiety is high, following the news all day and reading every social media post about military service feeds catastrophic scenarios. Getting a brief update from reliable sources once or twice a day is enough.

Don't feel guilty about having fun. Your partner wants you to stay strong, not to be unhappy. A good evening with your friends does not reduce your commitment to them.

Let's say a young woman in her final year at university starts watching the news for hours every evening while her partner is doing military service in Hakkâri. Her sleep is broken, she can't concentrate in lectures and she can't study for her finals. On a friend's suggestion, she limits watching the news to ten minutes before dinner, leaves her phone in another room at night and makes it a habit to write her partner a letter every Sunday. Her worry doesn't disappear completely, but it no longer sits at the centre of her life.

After Discharge: Coming Back Together

Many couples imagine the end of military service as a finish line: discharge will come and everything will carry on where it left off. Yet the return also requires its own process of adjustment.

The person who has done military service may find it hard to get used to civilian life after months of an intense routine. Sleep patterns, impatience, discomfort in crowds or worries about the future may continue for a while. You, too, may have to give up some of the new routines and independence you built in their absence.

Money is also a frequent topic during this process. Income may have stopped during the service, and work or study plans may have been postponed. When the rush to find a job on return combines with the pressure of the high cost of living, the time and patience the couple can give each other may shrink. It is important to see this pressure not as a problem with the relationship but as a period to manage together.

During this time, it is important to give each other time and not to fill the first weeks with big decisions and expectations. Plans such as "Straight after the army, engagement and wedding right away" can add extra pressure at a time when both of you need to get to know each other again. The suggestions in our article on long-distance relationships, about couples reconnecting after living different lives for a long time, can also be helpful for this period.

In soldiers who witnessed a difficult event or went through a harrowing experience while on duty, nightmares, sudden startle reactions, outbursts of anger or withdrawal may be seen after their return. If these symptoms continue for weeks, seeing a mental health professional is important both for their wellbeing and for your relationship.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

• If your worry noticeably affects your sleep, appetite and daily tasks,
• If you experience intense physical symptoms such as palpitations, shortness of breath or sudden attacks of fear,
• If catastrophic scenarios take over your mind completely on every day you go without news,
• If jealousy and insecurity cause constant conflict in your relationship,
• If, after the return from military service, you notice long-lasting changes in your partner or yourself,
• If, under the weight of the wait, hopelessness, worthlessness or thoughts of giving up on life are forming. In that case, do not stay alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).

How Is Anxiety During Military Service Addressed in Therapy?

The intense anxiety experienced during military service can be addressed with the methods used in work in the area of anxiety and panic. Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), automatic thoughts such as "If the phone wasn't answered, something must have happened to him" or "Because he's far away, he'll forget me" are examined. The likelihood of these thoughts is assessed realistically, and alternative explanations are generated together.

Tolerating uncertainty is one of the core issues worked on during this process. As the person experiences that they can carry on with daily life without knowing everything, the anxiety loses its power. Behaviours that bring short-term relief but feed anxiety in the long term, such as following the news or constantly checking the phone, are noticed and replaced with more helpful habits.

In some people, separation anxiety goes back much further than military service, to experiences of loss or abandonment in childhood. In that case, schemas such as "abandonment" or "mistrust" can be addressed from a schema therapy perspective. For couples who experience difficulties adjusting in their relationship after the return from military service, joint sessions can make it easier to grow close again.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I do if I don't hear from my partner for days while he is in the army?

Interrupted communication is normal during military service; restrictions on phones, training exercises or changes of duty can cause it. When your worry rises, ask yourself, "What is the most likely explanation for this?" If your concern continues, staying in touch with his family is the most reliable way to get information.

Can military service end our relationship?

Some relationships are strained during this period, while others become even stronger. What usually makes the difference is not the length of time itself, but whether the couple can maintain their trust in each other during this process and talk openly about their expectations.

Should I tell my partner in the army about my problems?

Hiding everything can mean leaving him outside your life. But describing in detail problems he cannot solve also increases his worry. Sharing important developments while showing that you are also getting help from your own support network helps you strike a balance.

My partner seems to have changed since his discharge; is that normal?

Months spent in a very different way of life can bring about temporary changes in a person. It is important to be patient in the first weeks and give each other time to adjust. If the changes continue for a long time or put serious strain on the relationship, you can think about seeking support together.

• #military service
• #long distance
• #longing
• #engagement

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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