People who move abroad for marriage can face loneliness, dependence and an identity shake-up. Learn concrete steps that make settling into a new life easier.
A wedding, months of visa paperwork, suitcases, and then a new chapter opening in a completely different country. Moving abroad for marriage means beginning a marriage and a life in a new country at the same time. Sometimes it is a young woman who meets and marries someone born and raised in Germany while visiting Turkey; sometimes it is a man who joins his spouse in the Netherlands; and sometimes it is a person who joins their life with a partner of another nationality whom they met in the UK or Canada. Every story is different, but most share one feeling: happiness and loss are experienced at the same time. In this article we look at the psychological weight of moving abroad for marriage, the difficulties that commonly arise, and the concrete steps you can take to get through this period in a healthier way.
What Is Moving Abroad for Marriage, and Why Is It a Unique Experience?
Moving abroad for marriage means changing the country you live in mainly in order to live with your spouse. Someone who goes abroad for work or study usually has a goal set in advance, their own circle and their own timetable. A person who moves for marriage builds their new life largely inside their spouse's life: the spouse's family, the spouse's friends, the spouse's city, the spouse's home.
This creates a distinctive experience in several ways:
- Two major transitions overlap. The first year of marriage already calls for adjustment. Add a new language, a new system and a new culture, and the load multiplies.
- The person you chose is also your only anchor. For the newcomer, the spouse is a partner, a guide, an interpreter and, often, the first and only friend.
- The decision often carries a one-sided cost. The newcomer leaves behind their job, family, friends and familiar streets. The other spouse stays in their own territory.
- Identity is redefined. Someone who was a teacher, nurse or engineer in Turkey may, for a while, be defined in the new country as "the new spouse."
These differences are a reminder that the difficulties you experience are not "ingratitude" or "failure to adapt" but understandable responses to a major change.
Common Feelings and Signs When Moving Abroad for Marriage
People who arrive in a new country through marriage may feel excitement and hope in the first months. Over time, more difficult feelings can follow. The signs below may suggest that the adjustment process is wearing you down:
- Being alone at home all day while your spouse is at work, with the hours refusing to pass
- Crying for a long time or feeling a tightness in your chest after phone calls with your family in Turkey
- Feeling helpless at the supermarket, at the doctor or at a government office because you do not speak the language
- Thinking that you depend on your spouse for everything, and feeling ashamed of it
- Feeling like a guest, or even a stranger, around your spouse's family
- Losing interest in things you used to enjoy
- Disrupted sleep and changes in appetite
- Starting to argue with your spouse often over small matters
- The thought "Did I make a mistake?" coming to mind again and again
Experiencing some of these signs does not, on its own, mean you have a mental health disorder. But if they continue for a long time or clearly affect your daily life, it is important to take them seriously. Our article on loneliness abroad may also guide you with similar feelings.
Why Can Moving Abroad for Marriage Be So Hard? The Cultural Context
Some of the difficulties faced by people who move for marriage are practical; others are emotional and cultural.
Dependence and the balance of power
For a while, the newcomer may depend on their spouse for language, residence permits, banking, transport and social circle. This dependence can create an imbalance of power in the relationship without anyone noticing. For someone who used to earn their own money and make their own decisions, this can shake their confidence. Sometimes, with the best of intentions, the spouse takes everything on and ends up delaying the newcomer from standing on their own feet.
Mother-in-law, father-in-law and the extended family
In Turkish families, extended family ties are close and intense. In first- and second-generation families living abroad, this closeness is sometimes even stronger, because the family is seen as a refuge to be protected in a foreign land. The bride or groom who arrives through marriage joins this tight structure later. The family's rules, expectations, the phrase "this is how we do things" and customs around hospitality can feel heavy to a newcomer. And because their own family is far away, there may be no balancing support in this situation.
Different expectations
A spouse from Turkey may notice that a spouse born abroad does not live Turkish culture in the same way they do. Or the reverse: the spouse raised abroad may find the expectations of the spouse from Turkey traditional. Even two people who speak the same language can hold different maps when it comes to gender roles, housework, managing money and relationships with family. In mixed-culture marriages the difference is even more pronounced; our article on intercultural marriage offers detailed information on this.
The thought "I shouldn't complain"
Many people think, "I chose this life, so I have no right to complain." They do not want to tell their family they are unhappy, because they fear their family will be upset or that someone will say "We told you so." This silence can lead to feelings building up inside. Notions of "ayıp" (what is seen as improper) and shame can make asking for help even harder.
The Effects of Moving Abroad for Marriage on the Relationship and on Children
The weight of migration does not rest on the newcomer alone; it reflects on the couple's relationship too. The newcomer may expect more time, attention and understanding from their spouse. The other spouse may feel squeezed between work, family and the responsibilities of a new marriage. One says "You don't understand me," the other says "I'm doing everything I can," and both can be right while still missing each other.
Imagine a woman who has come from Turkey to Austria through marriage. When her husband gets home in the evening, she wants to tell him everything she has stored up all day. He is tired and wants a little quiet. She experiences this as indifference, while he feels he is being constantly criticised. In fact both needs are legitimate; the problem is that these needs have not been talked about.
When a child is born, new balances form. Giving birth far from one's own family can deepen the sense of loneliness after the birth. If one parent does not know the local language well, this can create worry about taking part in the child's school life. Even so, children can draw strength from seeing that their parents are able to carry two cultures together. What matters is that parents also take care of their own adjustment.
What You Can Do on Your Own to Ease Moving Abroad for Marriage
Adjustment is a process and it takes time. The steps below can make that process a little more manageable.
1. Build your own space
Building your own life matters as much as being part of your spouse's. Plan an activity that belongs only to you for at least a few hours a week: a language course, a gym, a craft workshop, volunteering or a library group. These small steps can help you feel your own identity again.
2. See language as a tool of independence
Learning the local language is not just a necessity; it is the way to handle your own affairs and express yourself. Do not wait to speak perfectly. Note down small achievements, such as putting a few sentences together at the supermarket or booking an appointment yourself. Making mistakes is a natural part of learning.
3. Hold "adjustment check-ins" with your spouse
Once a week, at a calm time, sit down with your spouse and talk through these questions: What was hard this week? What helped? What do we need from each other next week? See this conversation as a shared project rather than a source of blame. Try to start sentences with "I feel... and I need..." rather than "You never...".
4. Set boundaries with the extended family together
Talk to your spouse first about expectations regarding their family. Make clear how often you want to see them and which matters the two of you will decide on yourselves. Having your spouse communicate the boundaries to their own family usually creates less conflict.
5. Keep your ties with Turkey
Stay in regular contact with your family and friends, but not only to talk about problems. Share small, good moments from your day as well. These ties help you feel like someone with roots.
6. Review your thoughts
When thoughts like "I can't do anything here" or "I've lost everything" arrive, ask yourself: What is the evidence for this thought? What is the evidence against it? What has changed since last month? This simple question is one of the core techniques of cognitive behavioural therapy, and it can help you notice that the picture your thoughts show you is not always the whole picture.
7. Look after your body
Regular sleep, getting out into daylight, walking and a balanced diet directly affect your mood. In northern countries especially, long, dark winters can strain your mood. Make spending time outdoors during the day part of your routine.
Joining a new family in a new country does not have to mean erasing your old life. Adjustment is learning to carry two lives side by side.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It may help to consider contacting a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If unhappiness, lack of motivation or anxiety has lasted for more than two weeks
- If there are clear changes in your sleep, appetite and energy
- If arguments with your spouse have become frequent and seem impossible to resolve
- If you constantly feel worthless, needy or trapped
- If you feel that your spouse or their family is controlling you, or restricting your social life, money or communication
- If you are experiencing panic-attack-like symptoms
If there is physical, emotional or financial abuse in the relationship, it is important to know that you are not alone. If your safety is at risk or you have thoughts of harming yourself, call the emergency number of the country you are in: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are essential.
How Do We Work in Online Therapy in Your Native Language?
Many people who move abroad for marriage find it hard to describe what they are going through in a language they have only recently learned. When talking about tension with a mother-in-law, the worry of "what will people say" or expectations after the wedding, having to explain the cultural background at length can be exhausting. Therapy in your native language can reduce that burden of explanation and make it easier to focus directly on your own experience. It does not have to replace the mental health services in the country where you live; it is an option that can also be used alongside them.
Work based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) usually follows these steps:
- Mapping the situation: Together we identify what was lost and gained in the course of migration, and which areas are hardest right now.
- Noticing thought patterns: We examine automatic thoughts such as "I have no value here" and their effect on your feelings.
- Planning behavioural steps: We set small, measurable goals aimed at building your own social circle, learning the language or looking for work.
- Communication skills: We work on expressing your needs to your spouse and extended family more clearly and with less conflict.
- Couple sessions if needed: Joint sessions with your spouse can be planned to talk through the balance in the relationship. You can take a look at our couples therapy page for this.
Sessions are held by video. A suitable time is set with the time difference in mind; a quiet room, headphones and a secure internet connection are enough. Payment is made online; pricing is in TL and payment by international card is possible. For insurance reimbursement, you will need to check the insurance terms in the country where you live. For details, see the page for Turks living abroad.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does the adjustment process take for someone who has moved abroad for marriage?
There is no length of time that applies to everyone. Many factors affect the process, including language, work, social circle and the dynamics of the relationship. Many people find that the first year is especially hard and that a new balance settles in over time.
Do we need to go to therapy together as a couple?
It is not compulsory. Individual sessions can be a good starting point for understanding your own feelings. If problems in the relationship are at the forefront, joint sessions can also be considered separately.
Should I hide my unhappiness so as not to upset my family?
You do not have to tell them everything, but hiding it completely can leave you isolated. A more balanced way may be to share your feelings with someone you trust, and to decide how much to share with your family according to your own boundaries.
Can I also find a therapist in the country where I live?
Yes, mental health services in your country of residence are also an important resource. Depending on your language ability and your needs, you can use local services, online therapy in your native language, or both together.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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