The need to belong can be shaken abroad: feeling neither here nor there, loneliness and rootlessness. Learn how to rebuild a sense of belonging step by step.
You have lived in the same city for years. You go to work, do your shopping, say hello to your neighbour. Yet when you get home in the evening there is a voice inside saying, "I don't really belong here." And when you go to Turkey on holiday, this time you feel a little like a guest there too. Belonging is one of the most basic psychological needs of human beings, and for many Turks living abroad it can be shaken quietly but deeply. In this article we look at what the need to belong is, how it is damaged abroad, the signs by which it shows itself, and the concrete steps you can take to rebuild this feeling.
What Is Belonging and Why Does It Matter So Much?
Belonging is feeling that you are attached to a group, a place or a relationship, that you are accepted there and that you carry value. In psychology, the need to belong is regarded as an inseparable part of human nature, coming right after basic needs such as eating, sleeping and being safe. Humans are a species that survived for thousands of years inside communities; being excluded from the group has meant real danger throughout history. That is why our minds still perceive "not belonging" as a serious alarm.
Belonging does not consist of a single layer. It is usually lived on several levels:
- Close relationships: A partner, children, parents, siblings and close friends.
- Community: The neighbourhood, workplace, an association, a mosque, a sports club or a hobby group.
- Place: A city or hometown whose streets, smells and sounds feel familiar.
- Culture and language: A world in which jokes, idioms, dining tables and religious holidays carry shared meanings.
- Identity: The inner answer you give to the question "Who am I and where do I belong?"
For someone who grows up in Turkey, most of these layers form on their own. No one tells you what to do on a religious holiday; you know. When you emigrate, several of these layers shift at the same time. This is where a good part of the emptiness felt abroad comes from.
How is the sense of belonging shaken abroad?
Migration is not only moving from one country to another; it is a large share of familiar ties loosening all at once. In the new country, language, rules, social codes and daily rhythms are different. Meanwhile, life in Turkey carries on flowing while you are away: your friends marry, the neighbourhood changes, the news agenda moves in another direction.
There is a sentence many people say in this process: "Neither here nor there." Being seen as a "foreigner" in the country you live in and as an "Almancı" (a term for Turks living in Germany, used loosely for those abroad) or "someone from abroad" or "gurbetçi" (an emigrant) in Turkey can make you feel suspended between two places. This can be especially marked in the following groups:
- First-generation migrants: Those who lived for years with the thought "one day we'll go back" and never fully put down roots in the new country.
- Second and third generation: Those who were born and raised in the country they live in but still sometimes meet the question "where are you from?" We cover this subject separately in our article on second-generation Turks.
- Newcomers: White-collar workers and students who have moved recently for career or education and have not yet built a social network.
- Those who followed a partner: People who have left behind their own job, friends and role and are looking for a place for themselves in the new country.
Imagine you are an engineer who has lived in the Netherlands for ten years. You get on well with your colleagues but no one outside work invites you to dinner. In the messaging group of your friends in Turkey, you no longer understand half of the jokes. Nothing is "bad"; but you are not fully "inside" anywhere either. Loss of belonging is often lived quietly like this.
What Are the Signs of a Lack of Belonging?
A lack of belonging does not always show itself openly. Sometimes it appears as tiredness, sometimes as restlessness, sometimes as a sadness you cannot quite name. The signs below can be clues that this need is not being met:
Emotional signs
- Feeling lonely even in a crowd
- A constant sense of "temporariness": "This is not my home"
- Intense longing for Turkey, followed by disappointment
- The feeling that no one fully understands you
- Feeling worthless or "surplus to requirements"
Behavioural signs
- Avoiding social invitations or never expecting to be invited
- Avoiding making long-term plans in the country you live in (not buying a home, not accumulating belongings, putting off learning the language)
- Spending most of your free time on Turkish TV series, the news and social media
- Limiting yourself either to an entirely Turkish circle or to a circle with no Turks at all
Physical signs
- Disrupted sleep
- Constant tiredness, lack of motivation
- Tension-related headaches and stomach complaints
We want to remind you that these signs on their own do not amount to a diagnosis. But if they continue for a long time and affect your work, relationships and capacity to enjoy things, it is worth looking more closely at loneliness abroad or depressive symptoms.
Causes of Loss of Belonging and the Cultural Context
In Turkish culture, belonging is mostly built around "us". Family, relatives, being from the same hometown, neighbourliness and hospitality are strong structures that define who an individual is. That is why questions like "Who are your people?" and "Where is your hometown?" matter. In many Western countries, social relationships can be more individual, more planned and have clearer boundaries. Dropping in on a neighbour without warning, long phone calls and going from door to door on religious holidays are not customary in many places.
This difference does not mean that one culture is "good" and the other "bad". But the gap between the form of belonging you are used to and the form the new environment offers can be experienced as loneliness and disconnection. There are other factors that damage belonging too:
- Language barrier: Not being able to express your feelings and humour fully in a second language can make you feel "incomplete".
- Experiences of discrimination: Open or covert exclusion can feed the thought "I'm not wanted here". The psychological effects of discrimination are real and deserve to be taken seriously.
- Uncertainty: A residence permit, a work contract, or the question "Will we stay, or will we go back?" left unanswered makes it hard to put down roots.
- Frequent moves: Changing cities or countries causes the ties you build to be broken again and again.
- Losses: The loss or illness of a relative in Turkey can reignite the pain of being far away and the question of belonging.
There is also this cognitive trap: the mind often remembers the past as warmer than it was. Idealising life in Turkey, constantly comparing your present life with that ideal, and both being found "lacking" can make the search for belonging even harder.
Effects of the Problem of Belonging on Family, Relationships and Children
A sense of belonging affects not only the individual but also the family. If one partner has found a place in the new country while the other still feels like a stranger, an invisible distance can open between them. The sentence "You're happy here, I'm not" is sometimes an expression not of a conflict but of two different experiences of belonging.
Children are in a very different position. They often live the language and culture of the country they live in at school, and Turkish culture at home. This dual structure can be a richness; but when parents give the messages "You're Turkish, don't be like them" and "Fit in here" at the same time, the child may think they have to make a choice. Children's sense of belonging is significantly affected by how their parents have made peace with their own sense of belonging. A calm and flexible parent finds it easier to give the child the message "You can belong to both places".
Relationships with the extended family also join this picture. The comment of relatives in Turkey, "You're one of them now" ("Artık oralı oldun"), or the strangeness felt on every visit, can make a person question whether they belong to their roots too.
What Can You Do to Strengthen Your Sense of Belonging?
Belonging is not built in an instant; it is woven over time with small, repeated and conscious steps. The suggestions below can be a guide in this process:
- Question the thought "either here or there". Belonging is not a limited resource. You can be attached both to Turkey and to the city you live in. Ask yourself "What am I attached to here?" and add small things to the list too: a park you love, a bakery you've got used to, a neighbour you say hello to.
- Join a regular community. Belonging is strengthened through repeated contact. A weekly sports group, volunteering, a choir, a language course or an association's activities let you see the same faces regularly.
- Build a balanced relationship with the Turkish community. The Turkish community can be a strong source of support. But limiting yourself to this circle alone, or keeping away from it completely, reduces belonging to a single dimension. Try both together.
- Create rituals. A religious-holiday breakfast, a family dinner on Friday evening, a new tradition at New Year... Rituals are powerful tools that turn the place where you are into "home".
- Make small long-term investments. Growing a plant, arranging your home to your own taste, enrolling in a course. The thought "I'll be leaving anyway" can put your present life on hold.
- See language as a tool of identity. Improving the language of the country you live in does not mean giving up Turkish. Two languages are two doors.
- Write your own story. Giving written answers to questions such as "Why am I here, and what do I want to build here?" can help you see migration as a journey rather than a rupture.
- Keep your link with Turkey alive but do not idealise it. Regular video calls, Turkish books and music are good for you. But take care not to turn the past into a picture made up only of beautiful memories.
Belonging comes not from being born somewhere but from forming small bonds with it every day.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The search for belonging is a natural part of migration, and most people establish their own balance over time. However, speaking to a mental health professional can be helpful in the following situations:
- If feelings of loneliness and rootlessness have lasted for months and are not easing
- If there are marked changes in your sleep, appetite, energy and capacity to enjoy things
- If you are withdrawing more and more from social settings
- If you are in constant conflict with your partner or children about belonging
- If experiences of discrimination leave you anxious, angry or helpless
- If thoughts of hopelessness, worthlessness or that life is meaningless are becoming pronounced
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please do not wait: call the emergency number of the country you are in (112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia). Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency departments and local psychiatric services are necessary. Mental health services in the country you live in are also an important resource and can be used alongside support in your mother tongue.
How Is Belonging Addressed in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?
When talking about a deep and culturally rooted subject like belonging, not having to explain concepts such as "misafirlik" (hospitality), "gurbet" (life far from home), "sıla" (the longing for home) and "elâlem ne der" (what will people say) can make it easier to express yourself more comfortably. Therapy in your mother tongue offers the chance to speak in the language in which feelings and memories were first learned. You can find this approach in more detail on the page we have prepared for Turks living abroad.
A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)-based piece of work usually follows these steps:
- Noticing thoughts: Automatic thoughts such as "I don't belong anywhere" and "I'll never be accepted here" are identified and how realistic they are is evaluated together.
- Clarifying values: The relationships, roles and sources of meaning that matter to you are set out.
- Behavioural steps: Small and achievable social goals are set; the avoidance cycle is gradually broken.
- Early schemas: Schemas such as "social isolation" or "defectiveness" can be triggered by migration. The roots of these schemas and their present-day effects are explored.
- Grief and acceptance: Recognising and honouring the longing for what has been left behind as a loss.
Sessions can be held through online therapy, at a time suited to the time difference, in the privacy of your own home.
Frequently Asked Questions
I've lived abroad for years. Is it normal that I still don't feel I belong?
Yes, it is quite a common experience. Belonging has less to do with how long you have lived somewhere than with the quality of the bonds formed. It is possible to work on this feeling even after many years.
Can I belong to both Turkey and the country I live in?
You can. Many people develop a multiple sense of belonging over time. Being attached to two places at once is not a contradiction but one of the natural outcomes of the migration experience.
Does a lack of belonging lead to depression?
Long-lasting loneliness and rootlessness can play a part in the emergence of depressive symptoms. But not every problem of belonging means depression; it is helpful to speak to a specialist for an assessment.
How can I support my child's sense of belonging?
Help them feel that they can carry both cultures. While keeping Turkish and family traditions alive, also support their friendships and interests in the country where they live. Being at peace with your own sense of belonging is also a strong model for your child.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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