Student Having Problems with a Teacher: Whose Side Should Parents Take?

If your child has problems with a teacher, you can both listen to them and work with the school. Steps you can take without simply picking a side.

When a teenager has problems with a teacher, it often first shows up at the front door. Your daughter comes home from school and flings her bag down in the hallway: "The chemistry teacher hates me. Today she called me up to the board, and when I couldn't solve it she said in front of the whole class, 'You'll never amount to anything.'" Her eyes are full and her voice is shaking. On one hand you can see your child's hurt; on the other, you can't stop the question crossing your mind: "Was she playing on her phone in class again?" In the evening, when you see another parent in the class parents' group complaining about the same teacher, you feel even more confused. Being the parent of a young person in this situation means being left with two difficult questions: Should I believe my child or the teacher? And at what point should I step in? In this article, while looking for answers to these questions, we explore how to build a bridge instead of taking sides.

Student Having Problems with a Teacher: Which Side Is the Family On?

Many people in Turkey who went to school a few generations ago remember the saying "The flesh is yours, the bones are mine", which parents once said to teachers when handing over their child. The teacher was an unquestionable authority; when a child came home complaining about school, the first question would be "What did you do?" Today, the other end of the pendulum is also often seen: parents who turn every complaint from their child directly into an accusation against the teacher and march angrily to the school gate.

Neither extreme helps the young person. A family that takes the teacher's side in every situation ignores the real injustices the young person experiences and gives them the message "Nobody will believe you." A family that takes their child's side in every situation, on the other hand, stops the young person seeing their own part and gives them no chance to develop the skill of managing difficult relationships.

What really needs to happen is not choosing a side but trying to understand the truth. Standing by the young person does not mean agreeing with them in every case; it means listening to them, taking them seriously and being beside them as the problem is resolved.

Why Do Problems with a Teacher Happen?

In most tensions between a teacher and a student there is no single side that is right or wrong. The problem is usually a cycle in which the behaviour of both sides feeds the other.

On the Young Person's Side

• Testing authority: Adolescence is a period in which the relationship with rules and authority is renegotiated. Some young people live out this questioning in the classroom by challenging the teacher.
• Difficulties regulating emotions: A young person who struggles to control their anger and reacts sharply to criticism straight away can quickly escalate a small disagreement with a teacher. Our article on teenage anger may give you some ideas on this.
• Attention and learning difficulties: A student who struggles to focus in class, is constantly on the move or cannot keep up with the lesson may be seen by the teacher as "uninterested" or "naughty".
• Anxiety: A young person who is very afraid of being called to the board or asked a question may hide that anxiety behind behaviour that looks like indifference or cheekiness.
• Problems at home or with friends: Tension spilling over from another area may be directed at the authority figure in the classroom.

On the Teacher's Side

• Crowded classes and tiredness: In classes of more than thirty-five, it is hard to give each student individual attention. A tired teacher may react more harshly to a student who causes trouble.
• Labelling: Once a student has been seen as "a problem", their later behaviour may also be interpreted through that frame.
• Tone: Some teachers criticise in a way that targets personality or is sarcastic. A remark that seems trivial to an adult can be a source of deep shame for a teenager.

In the Relationship Itself

Sometimes there is no obvious mistake; two people's styles simply don't match. A quick, jokey teacher and a serious, shy student, or the other way round, can constantly misunderstand each other. Over time this turns into mutual prejudice.

This distinction matters especially for a young person who had no problems in a subject last year but is experiencing constant tension in it this year. What has changed may not be the subject itself but the relationship with the teacher. Understanding the new teacher's expectations, rules and communication style, giving the young person time to adjust and not turning the tension of the first few weeks into a lasting judgement often allows the problem to soften on its own.

How Should You Listen to What the Young Person Tells You?

When the young person comes home from school with a complaint, your first reaction sets the direction of the conversations that follow.

• Meet the feeling first. Saying "Hearing something like that in front of everyone must have been really hurtful" helps the young person keep talking. Jumping straight to a defence or a solution can close the conversation down.
• Ask about the details with curiosity. Questions such as "What exactly happened? What was going on before that? Who else was in the class?" help you see the event more clearly. Ask these questions not in the tone of an interrogation but making it clear you are asking in order to understand.
• Once, or all the time? A one-off tension and a pattern that has been going on for weeks require different approaches.
• Notice your own feelings. Hearing that your child has been humiliated can stir up strong anger in you. Waiting a few hours or a day rather than going straight to the school in that anger allows you to have a more effective meeting.
• Don't belittle the teacher in front of the young person. Sentences such as "She doesn't know anything anyway" weaken the young person's connection with the subject and with school. You can criticise the teacher's behaviour, but not their character.

Teenagers' accounts may sometimes be exaggerated; "She's always shouting at me" may actually be based on two or three incidents. This does not mean the young person is lying. Strong emotions make events look bigger and more constant than they are. Rather than trying to correct the exaggeration, clarifying the picture with concrete questions such as "Can you remember how many times it happened this week?" helps both you and the young person look at the event more realistically.

Standing by a young person does not mean agreeing with everything they say; it means not leaving them alone.

How Should You Approach the School When There Are Problems with a Teacher?

If the problem keeps recurring or is clearly harming the young person, you need to get in touch with the school. How this meeting is handled has a big effect on its outcome.

1. Talk to the teacher first. Going straight to the head teacher puts the teacher on the defensive. Speaking face to face with the teacher during parent meeting hours or by appointment is usually the most productive first step.
2. Start with an observation, not an accusation. Saying "My daughter hasn't wanted to go to chemistry lately; I think something has been happening in class and I'd like to hear what you've noticed" instead of "You're being unfair to my daughter" makes it easier for the teacher to open up to cooperation.
3. Really listen to the teacher's point of view. The teacher may tell you things about the young person's behaviour in class that you did not know. This information helps you complete the picture.
4. Agree on a shared goal. The purpose of the meeting is not to prove who is right but to help the young person do better in the lesson. Agreeing on a concrete step, for example "Let's talk again in two weeks", keeps the process alive.
5. Involve the guidance service. The school guidance counsellor is a neutral person who can talk to both the student and the teacher. Especially when communication has broken down, the counsellor's mediation is very valuable.
6. Go to the next level if necessary. If meetings with the teacher and the guidance service have not worked, talking to the school management is the next step.

When going to the meeting, it is a good idea to decide together whether the young person will also attend. Some young people want their voice to be heard; others are very reluctant to speak in front of the teacher. A middle- or high-school student taking part in at least part of the meeting means they become a side that takes responsibility in solving the problem, rather than a passive onlooker.

After the meeting, it is also important to tell the young person, in appropriate language, what was discussed. The feeling that things are being arranged behind their back can damage the young person's trust in both you and the school.

Serious Situations: Humiliation, Violence and Discrimination

Not every problem with a teacher is a matter of communication. Some situations call not for waiting to see but for clear and swift intervention:

• Physical violence or physical punishment
• The young person being systematically humiliated, given nicknames or made a laughing stock in class
• The young person being discriminated against because of their family, origin, faith, appearance or a disability
• Pressure being applied through grades or threats

If you suspect a situation like this, it is important to write down what the young person tells you with dates and details, identify any witnesses and apply to the school management in writing. In situations that cannot be resolved at school level, it is possible to apply to the district or provincial directorate of national education. During this process, telling the young person clearly that what they have been through is being taken seriously and that it is not their fault helps ease the shame they feel.

Teaching the Young Person to Manage Difficult Relationships

There will be teachers in the young person's life they don't get on with, and later managers, colleagues and neighbours they don't get on with. That is why a problem with a teacher is also an important learning opportunity.

You can talk with the young person about the following skills:

• Expressing themselves respectfully: Rather than objecting in the middle of the class, going up to the teacher after the lesson and saying, "I didn't quite understand your warning today; could we talk?"
• Putting time between reaction and response: Taking a deep breath and not answering back immediately at the moment they feel treated unfairly stops the situation escalating.
• Focusing on what they can control: They cannot change the teacher's style, but handing in their homework on time and coming to class prepared is in their hands.
• Separating the person from the subject: Not getting on with a teacher does not have to mean failing in that subject. The outlook "I'm studying this subject for myself" frees the young person's grade from being held hostage by the relationship.

Let's say your son tells you that his literature teacher keeps calling him "the boy who's always late", and that this has become a joke in class. When you talk it over together, you realise that the morning school bus really is often late. The step to take here may be both explaining the bus situation to the teacher and practising with your son how he could raise the nickname with the teacher in a calm way.

Conflicts at school can sometimes lead to disciplinary proceedings too; in that case, our article on disciplinary action at school can guide you.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Not getting on with a teacher is an ordinary part of school life. However, talking to a professional can be helpful in the following situations:

• The young person doesn't want to go to school and has complaints such as stomach aches or nausea in the mornings
• The problem is not limited to one teacher; there is conflict with almost every adult authority figure
• The young person clearly struggles to control their anger and frequently gets into fights at school
• Withdrawal, sleeplessness, intense shame or anxiety are seen after an incident of humiliation or violence
• An attention or learning difficulty is suspected

These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they show that the young person may need extra support during this process.

How Are Conflicts with Authority Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy, the young person finds a space where they can talk about the problem with their teacher without being judged. This space allows them both to put into words the injustices they have experienced and to see their own part more easily.

In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, the thoughts that kick in during moments of conflict are examined, such as "She hates me", "She wants to humiliate me in front of everyone" or "Whatever I do, she won't like it." Once the effect of these thoughts on feelings and behaviour is noticed, the young person can develop more flexible interpretations. Anger management, self-expression and problem-solving skills are worked on.

In some young people, conflicts with authority are also linked to patterns shaped by earlier experiences. Noticing patterns such as oversensitivity to criticism or an expectation of being treated unfairly helps the young person respond in healthier ways not only with that teacher but in future relationships too. Sessions with parents offer an opportunity to review together how they communicate with the school and their approach at home. For work with adolescents, you can take a look at the adolescent counselling page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Would moving my child to a different class be a solution?

If there is a serious, recurring problem, moving to a different class can sometimes genuinely bring relief. But this decision should not be the first step; it should be an option turned to after other ways of communicating have been tried. Otherwise the young person may learn that the only solution when faced with a difficult relationship is to leave the setting.

What should I do if the teacher treats my child worse after I talk to them?

This is why many parents are reluctant to go to a meeting. Holding the meeting in a calm, cooperative tone reduces this risk. Even so, if you notice things getting worse in what the young person tells you afterwards, you need to inform the guidance service and the school management.

My teen wants to sort out the problem with their teacher by themselves. Should I stay out of it?

This wish is a positive sign of the young person's developing autonomy. If there is no serious safety or abuse issue, giving them this opportunity and helping them prepare is valuable. Reviewing the outcome together and making sure they know you can step in if needed may be enough.

• #teacher-student relationship
• #school
• #parent-teacher meeting
• #teens and school

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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